Friday, July 18, 2008

Ted C. Blind Item

It’s amazing I don’t write these more often, the clinging-onto-celeb-life-with-all-the-surgeried-muscle- they-can-muster brand o’ Blind Vices. Could it be they hit too close to home for this fortysomething columnist who wonders if he should start embarking on all the plastic-puss opportunities available in this ├╝ber-vain town? Nah, not today, at least. But do take Sheila Muff-Driver, an attractive enough gal who plans on selling her fading sexuality until she drops and who hasn't shied away from all that docs can do for her, trust. ‘Course, not that long ago, Sheila-love was the hoochie-coochie toast of T-town, and I don’t mean just for being a superscrumptious babe, but for her great beauty and arguable talent, too. The Academy Awards even gave her notable recognition at one time, but alas, that was back when SMD had a modicum of professionalism to offer her colleagues, as opposed to the perk-filled, ridiculously absurd existence Sheila's life has now become.

She goes through assistants faster than Botox needles. She fires reps of all sorts (managers, agents, etc.) who were just trying to do her a charitable favor in the first place—as Ms. Muff-Driver did, at one time, have such promise. And she still could, mind you, if she’d just stop injecting her body with every fountain-of-youth concoction out there and let what’s left of her face just be. So, you know, she could move it, utilize it and such, as actors are wont to do. But instead, all Sheila gets today are offers to do benefits and interviews about her once-golden career. And it was one occasion for the latter—in a documentary being put together by an established director who could ostensibly help reenergize Ms. M.-D.’s career—in which Sheila was set to be prominently featured.

Although, true to deranged spoiled form, when the producer rang up to finalize the schedule, Sheila barked back: “You know, I don’t get out of bed for less than $40,000 a day.”

Sheila’s still under the covers, by the by, her latest opportunity at anything close to a comeback having been quashed, yet again, by herself.

Maybe next time this happens, just go and shoot the bitch in her bed? Just a thought. Would be fitting on so many levels.

90 comments:

kimberly said...

Sharon Stone?

Kat said...

Sharon seems a good guess, but my first thought was of Marisa Tomei. Has she ever been linked to a man?

Kristen S. said...

Sharon Stone came to mind first for me, too.

Reverend Perez Tilton said...

Sharon Stone was my first thought, too. And her character on The Practice was named "Sheila Carlyle."

ms snarky said...

Marisa Tomei's career is actually okay, she was just in 'Before the Devil Knows You're Dead' and got good reviews.

I immediately thought Sharon Stone, too. It's unanimous!

Kraymond19 said...

No Faye Dunaway?

Kraymond19 said...

I guess she's too old.

*girl said...

One of Sharon Stone's assistants sued years ago for back wages and it's been known for years that she can't keep anyone on staff. SS for sure.

VD said...

Sharon has on movie in post production, one movie in production, one movie in rumored pre-production and one movie completed and to be released. Sadly she still has a career.

melcon80 said...

what are the "and it ain'ts"?

Chatty said...

Oooo, good guess! I'll buy Sharon Stone.

Ice Angel said...

What about Melanie Griffith?

Did she win or get nominated for an Oscar for Working Girl?

Tea Lady said...

The ain'ts are: Blythe Danner, Whitney Houston and Diahann Carroll.

voice of reason said...

The AIA are:

Blythe Danner, Whitney Houston, and Diahann Carroll (?)

The Blythe Danner one makes me think Goldie Hawn (they have the Hollywood daughter legacy thing in common). Looks like she won an Oscar for Cactus Flower, and got another nom for Private Benjamin. Don't know what to make of the other AIAs...

brainypirate said...

The other AIAs are much older than I expected -- I wonder if we're speaking of someone from the 80s?

Tea Lady said...

Priscilla Presley maybe?

voice of reason said...

Also, I didn't notice this the first time I read it, but it says "muff DRIVER," not "muff DIVER." Don't know what a muff driver is, but I don't think he's calling her a lesbian.

ms snarky said...

gosh I hope Goldie wouldn't say something so obnoxious.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Gotta be Sharon Stone.

ms snarky said...

totally off topic, I apologize. can someone tell me how to include my icon in my profile? you can email me off-post if you like mlle.snarky@gmail.com

Amy said...

I don't know why but I thought of Catherine Zeta Jones... and I just skimmed it so take it easy on me! ;-)

farygica said...

Jane Fonda?

life is but a dream said...

i immediately thought of sharon stone too. i would re-read it, but i don't want my head to explode. these really are ridiculous!

littleoleme said...

Meg Ryan?

gillian said...

Crumbs-no idea. January 08 'Reveals' is a looong way away...

i am a princess, yes i am said...

i really don't understand a word of this but i just keep thinking Nicole Kidman.

Marnie said...

Muff driver == Sharon Stone's entire career has been fueled by her leg-crossing flash in Basic Instinct.

Although I think her biggest career sin at this point is probably blaming China for an Act of God that killed scores of only children and left hundreds of bereaved parents. Don't piss off an emerging economic superpower with a hair-trigger while doing international endorsements, psycho-bitch.

plot said...

Sharon Stone still has a lot of projects going on. All the controversy that she stirs up seems to help her career.

Martin Scorsese just did the documentary about the Rolling Stones. Is there an actress who might have had a part in that? Who hung out with the stones?

Also, Scorsese has a documentary about George Harrison in pre-production. Any famous actresses, with talent, ever attached to him?

plot said...

Oh! One more thing, Scorsese did that Bob Dylan doc a couple years back - another possibility.

sandman said...

ok, you sold me, the "muff driver" clue screaming stone trumps the "hoochie-coochie" charo clue.
So stone wins over charo in a landslide.

VD said...
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VD said...

Thinking outside the box....and I mean waaaaay oputside the box...

Supposing WH and DC are meant to be a hint the actress is African American. So we're looking for an African American actress with oscar recognition(which could just be a nomination), with a connection to Blythe Danner and is a muff driver which we have no idea what that means...

Alfre Woodard.

Was in a documentary with Blythe Danner. Has been nominated for an oscar. Was a voice in a television production of puss in boots. Does her face move???


I just mortified myslef with something I said that may have offend some folks, which wasn't meant in an offensive way. If anyone read it and was offended, I do apologise.

Kristen S. said...

Wasn't the scene in Basic Instinct (#1) in a car? Hence, Muff DRIVER?

sassafrass said...

Vivica Fox?

ms snarky said...

Alfre Woodard? seriously?

ms snarky said...

I'd be down with Vivica Fox, though.

VD said...

Like I said outside the box....

Rachel said...

littleoleme, I also thought Meg Ryan...looks like we're the only ones, though.

JRD said...
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JRD said...

I keep thinking Nicole Kidman too. She's botoxed, I think was Oscar-nominated, and from Australia (a sheila?). But she's got that epic "Australia" coming out and can still get work. She's on the edge though, her last few movies have bombed and she's only becoming more waxen.

Ice Angel said...

While I really cannot stand Sharon Stone and never have, do you guys all really think she looks as though she's had a lot of plastic surgery? If she did have any, it was GREAT surgery and it does seem like she is working quite a bit, so she is actually working.

Melanie Griffith is where I lay my money.

VD said...

While I believe MG is a good pick...I'd rather not think of anything lying with her animate or inanimate...she looks like she needs a bath in penicillen.

I think MR is a good guess too. Has anyone noticed that MR seems to be morphing into MG with all the botox and colagen minus the badly needed pencillen bath.

Barry said...

Melanie Griffiths for me.

Lucky1der said...

As perfect of a guess SS is I feel like with all the referencing to plastic surgery we need someone who is frozen, and if you see pics of SS without makeup etc, she still looks relatively normal, sooo I'm going with Melanie Griffith or Meg Ryan, who both look like they've spent their fare share of time with mr. scalpel.

Harriet Hellfire said...

Ice Angel, that's what I was thinking - I first thought of Sharon Stone too, but even if she HAS had plastic surgery, she doesn't look like she's had that much. Her face looks pretty normal.

My guess is Melanie Griffith. She used to be really pretty, and a sex symbol for sure, but her face now is...odd. She got an Oscar nom for "Working Girl".

Orange said...

Cher?

sara said...

I thought Meg Ryan - nominated for Oscar (was Sharon Stone?). Obvious face issues. No obvious work projects. The documentary could have been something for the When Harry Met Sally anniversary recently? Just don't get the "shoot the B in her bed." Feels like a reference to a role.

cinephan said...

For some reason as I was reading this Kim Basinger popped into my head.

Allison said...

Believe it or not - Sharon Stone was nominated for Best Actress for Casino in 1996. I love imdb.com!
So - I will go with the Sharon Stone guess.

Merlin D. Bear said...

I'll interject and say Faye Dunaway.
Only because of past glories, faded beauty, reputation and for me the clincher - the CSI episode where she guested and was - "shot in bed".
But somehow I think that's just a little too easy for a Casablanca blind.

adrian said...

‘Course, not that long ago, Sheila-love was the hoochie-coochie toast of T-town, and I don’t mean just for being a superscrumptious babe

Faye Dunaway is too old for this.

mazemerizing said...

I don't think it's Meg Ryan. Her face is actually kind of relaxing a bit and looks okay. I just saw the trailer for "The Women," and I think she has something else coming out. Plus she just adopted that baby. I think she's got plenty of money and wouldn't have to work if she didn't want to. Sure sounds like Sharon Stone, but I agree her face looks amazing and not plastic surgery-looking at all. But I don't have anybody else to suggest.

Lynne said...

I'm going with Faye Dunaway, too. She won an oscar for Network, and she is well known as a major pain in the ass. My favorite story about her is that she would pee into a garbage can during the filming of Chinatown. Ew.

She was quite beautiful in her prime, and she now has a clown face (sorry to all clowns who may be reading this). Way too much (really bad) plastic surgery.

CC said...

At first glance I loved the Meg Ryan guess, but she was never known for being "a superscrumptious babe;" cute as a button (before all the work), yes, but certainly not a sex symbol.

I also never heard any rumors about her being a super-bitch that would go through assistants like water.

Lastly, according to IMDB, she has a handful of projects over the last few years, one of which is in production now...

i don't have another guess, though...?

Mooshki said...

I'm on the Meg Ryan train.

Tea Lady said...

I thought of Meg Ryan too but she has several things going on according to IMDB so I don't think it's her. Maybe we're going in the wrong direction. ENT mentions all she gets now is offers for benefits. That sounds like a singer to me so we probably need a singer who's also done acting and used to be a hottie. Sigh. I'm stumped.

Tea Lady said...

Don't know why I'm obsessing on this one. The only thing I know for sure is that it isn't Miyoshi Umeki.

ms snarky said...

but "hoochie coochie toast of H-town" sounds so much more like a pam anderson type. so who's sexy and hoochie coochie and getting older?

ms snarky said...

how about Courtney Love or some such?

Tea Lady said...

OK, this is a weird long shot. What about Julie Andrews? She was born the same year as Diahanne Carroll, Whitney Houston was a producer on the Princess Diaries, and like Blythe Danner, Julie Andrews has two kids.

Of course I wouldn't describe her as a scrumptious babe with fading sex appeal... This just proves you can find conspiracy theories everywhere.

Back to the drawing board...

Judi said...

Isn't Cher playing Vegas? It reads "not that long ago" but everything else reads like she's older, and the And It Ain'ts are older, too. "Benefits and interviews about her once golden career..." Sharon S. came to mind (7,000 victims of the quake were children, thus close to the same number of families with zero kids now) because she fits a lot of the clues but she's still getting a lot of work.
I'm thinking either Faye Dunaway or Diana Ross.
OOOH, what about Raquel Welch?!!

kathryn said...

Sharon Stone for sure, she is a total horror to her staff, she does nothing but show up to benefits and C-List parties, and she has been pulled and starved to look like she's still 25. ridiculous.

Tea Lady said...

Don't know if this helps but Ted C. said this:

"Look Before You Reap
Age, not to mention rage, ain't such a wonderful thing for former Hollywood golden vamp Sheila Muff-Driver, onetime femme fatale and perhaps a half-decent actress, too. Prob being, Ms. Muff-Driver's so stupidly avaricious now, she's demanding herself right into oblivion."

Golden vamp, femme fatale... can't be Ann-Margret, she's still working.

nancer said...

gotta be sharon stone. it all fits. all she does is benefits. she's a total diva and has become a joke.

Lori said...

If we're going to go by syllables, Melanie Griffith is the only one that fits.

Judi said...

Someone offered Ann-Margret? Hmmm, no. She was was still really young when she hit and was the 'Kitten With a Whip,' not hoochie-coochie.
All the clues about the diva behavior fit Stone but again, she's working and hasn't had pl surgery. Close-ups of her face when she's skinny show wrinkles and the beginning of sagging. She's gained a bit of weight (per Cannes photos) and looks better but we can see her age on her face. Plus, when did she ever have a "golden career"? She has worked and made $$ but her overall career is nothing great. Still, I think we'd all like this to be her. ;-D

BlahFrickinBlah said...

Sharon Stone for the win. I first thought Marisa Tomei (or however you spell it) because there was a thing on Howard Stern about her being a serious diva bitch to some person and her assistant had to apologize for her cause she's got such an ego. After reading the 2nd BI about Shelia Muff, it sounds completely like Sharon Stone.

BinkyM said...

Folks, you have got to stop with the Sharon Stone nonsense. Go look at a photo of her. She's not a plastic surgery horror story who'll frighten small children (and you). Jessica Lange is. http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/004908.html

At least do a quick Google image search before you post. It won't kill you.

RagDoll said...

Jessica Lange is pretty durn freaky looking....

ms snarky said...

but Jessica was never hoochie coochie. for that matter, neither was Sharon Stone. just pantyless.

so someone who was sexy but had some good parts.

who, damn it, who????

damn you Ted C.!!!!

Katja said...

about her once golden career
on golden pond
barbarella (sex symbol) =Jane Fonda

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I'm on the Melanie Griffith train for this one. Woot woot!

ms snarky said...

how about that chick with the kind of long, red, wavy hair who was in some pretty good films, was considered pretty sexy, and seems to have disappeared. I'll get the name. off to IMDB.

ms snarky said...

Lolita Davidovich. She played the dancer Blaze Star in a 1989 movie and did a bunch of other movies. And her face looks way frozen in a couple of photos I saw.

ms snarky said...

and don't forget at the end of the post, Ted says that someone should shoot her in her bed, it would be fitting on so many levels. What formerly hot chick was either shot, or killed in her bed in a film?

I have to give this up now.

Pandora said...

Sharon Stone shot parts of Cold Creek Manor very near to where I live.

So it is a Friday night about 9:00and she and her entourage came into the restaurant Hubby and I were frequenting for date night. Not only does she not look 'normal' close-up without stage make-up - she looked very haggard.

And she was very, very rude and dismissive towards the staff.

I hope it is her!

(Part of Bourne Identity was filmed, here, too - now why couldn't Matty-boy come out for a nice nosh instead?)

Willow said...

"former Hollywood golden vamp Sheila Muff-Driver, onetime femme fatale and perhaps a half-decent actress"

I am agreeing with the Faye Dunaway thinking. Using kinda wacky logic .. she did play Joan Crawford who was an actual golden age screen goddess vamp in the 20's. Faye could also be considered a vamp for her eyebrows from Chinatown - as were all the rage back in the day [you have to be really old to remember that one!!], and back in the late 60s to mid 70s .. that woman could bed any man she wanted. So .. could be her!?!

BinkyM said...

Faye Dunaway is an EXCELLENT guess in that she's one of the all-time plastic surgery horror victims, but she doesn't quite fit the "arguable talent" part (there's no arguing with Dunaway's 25 nominations and 17 wins), nor can we call Dunaway "an attractive enough" (she's truly terrifying to look at). I can't see how Dunaway "plans on selling her fading sexuality until she drops" unless she starts hawking a product on QVC; I can find nothing anywhere mentioning her doing anything.

Finally, the "not that long ago, Sheila-love was the hoochie-coochie toast of T-town" would seem to point to somewhere a bit younger.

And now I'm going to shoot down Melanie Griffith: "all Sheila gets today are offers to do benefits and interviews about her once-golden career." Is anyone really interviewing her about her "once-golden career"? I think all anyone ever asks her is about her husband's latest cologne. I don't think anyone gives a crap about Milk Money. And she wasn't ever hot, not in that Theresa Russell kind of way.

Meg Ryan hasn't ruined her face with plastic surgery yet (just her lips).

Has anyone seen a photo of Debra Winger recently?

acetomato777 said...

Some clue ideas . . .

Sheila - Australian (not Kidman, she is still golden and doesn't need a comeback)

Muff Driver really does point to Sharon Stone as her flashing her, umm, "muff" in Basic Instinct put her on the map. She had ocsar notice for her role in Casino - which is the last time I heard of her actually acting.

If you head over to awful plastic surgery (dot com) in October 2006 archives you'll see SS has had cheek implants and body work done. Still, I don't think she looks freakish.

On the other hand, in Basic Instinct Sharon Stone's character killed men in bed. And she needs a career revival - Basic Instinct II anyone?

M-D is shortened at the end - so random, maybe someone who played a doctor?

Basinger is still gorgeous and has done some good work, so she doesn't have a desperate need to revive a career (Oscar win for LA Confidential). Also, I've heard that despite her bitter divorce she is nice as pie to everyone but Alec.

Melanie Griffith was a hot tamale in her day - Working Girl was huge, and she did some other solid movies. But I agree - who would be hunting her for an interview about her career. It wasn't phenomenal.

Vivica Fox was a great guess, but I don't know if she had that big a career or was considered some great beauty. Tragic boob job, though. DENTED.

What about Demi Moore?

BinkyM said...

The photo of Sharon Stone on awfulplasticsurgery.com (the one with the red hair) was for a movie role. She isn't a plastic surgery victim (I gather no one besides me saw Basic Instinct 2.) Take a look: http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/4620543a5620.html

I grudgingly admt she looks great, otherwise she certainly wouldn't be appearing in ads for fine jewelry and cosmetics.

Viveca Fox has had no Oscar love, nor has Demi Moore.

ea73 said...

I think Goldie Hawn is still in the running. She won an Oscar, was nominated for another, then...crash and burn! And who was more hootchie than her (at the height of her popularity?) Plus, have you seen her face lately? Yikes! Oh yeah, and she still cavorts around in a thong, trying to be sexy. Double yikes!!

BinkyM said...

Goldie Hawn seems like a good guess; she's done nothing for years, and she looks like hell! Does she have a reputation as a witch?

Ernestine said...

*sigh.* Please speak fucking English, Ted. OH. MY. GOD. It shouldn't take FIVE readings to get what the fuck he's talking about, but whatever. I'm addicted to his linguistic inanity, I guess.

Melanie Griffith is a godawful actress. Has she seriously ever been shown any love by the Academy?

Well, Goldie certainly dresses like Cruella DeVille, so I can see her being a total bitch -- though she's not as fur-happy as Sharon. I have so little respect for people who wear that shit anyway (and if you have beef with this particular comment -- whatever. I'm not ever, ever, ever apologizing for loathing the fur industry and speaking out against its atrocities) -- especially when they attempt to project this freespirited, permahippie personality onto the world. Shove it, Goldie. You haven't been good since Private Benjamin.

I'm on the Goldie bandwagon. Plus, I read another good point somewhere from another commenter (wish I could give you a shout-out, but I can't remember if I saw it on CDAN or Eonline -- sorry!): Blythe Danner was one of the And It Aint's. Goldie and Blythe BOTH have successful, blonde daughters who've followed in their famous footsteps. Though Kate is NOT in the same league as Gwyneth at ALL, if you ask me.

And I don't think it's Faye. I mean, she's very INTERESTING-looking (and she kicked ASS in Chinatown), but when has she ever really been *sexy*?

Ernestine said...

Sorry, but I'm just catching up on comments and, um, NNNNOOOOOO, TEA LADY, NOOOO! NOT JULIE ANDREWS!ANYONE but Julie Andrews!! The woman is a GODDESS!

Mary Poppins would NEVER be mean to ANYONE. Please don't poke tiny, malevolent, little holes in my childhood memories!

And she still looks pretty damned good, in my opinion! :-)

acetomato777 said...

I think Julie Andrews is safe - Christopher Plummer said working with her on Sound of Music was like getting gently beaned over the head with a Valentine every day.

She's a sweetheart and known to be very professional and kind.

Ted did indicate he's talking about a reknowned beauty - and the not getting out of bed for less than $_____ per day is an echo of Linda Evangelista.

I thought Goldie already gave up on plastic surgery: http://gossipshack.com/2008/04/02/goldie-hawn-without-makeup-and-plastic-surgery/
Don't know if she's supposed to be insanely difficult, but it doesn't sound like her.

I give her a lifetime pass for making "Death Becomes Her".

"notable recognition" from the Academy Awards means nominated but didn't win?

Ernestine said...

"Christopher Plummer said working with her on Sound of Music was like getting gently beaned over the head with a Valentine every day."

*phew!* I had a restless night's sleep, but I'm cool! It's a jolly holiday again. All is right in my world.

I still say Goldie. And Ted's used Sharon -- obviously -- a LOT during the past couple of years, and he's got his own little special name for her that I totally can't remember. Hey, it's still early in VA. Kinda like how Lindsay is Morgan Mayhem and Nicole Richie is Pixie Mixie and The Skank Who Shall Not be Named is Slurpa Pop-Off.

Okay. I'm the queen of digressions, and I apologize, but does anyone else remember the blind about the "terribly classy yet doable" actress banging some dude on a yacht to get a part? I still can't figure that one out. I'm thinking that it's got Johansson ALLLLL over it.

shakey said...

I thought that one was Sharon Stone. I watched The Soup last night and they showed a clip of Kathleen Turner swearing on tv. I wondered if this could apply to her but now that I've read the whole thing, no way. I could picture her bitching about not getting out of bed for less than $40G. And she did have a once-stellar career. I bet she's generated a few BIs back in the day.

shakey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ea73 said...

Ok, I'm still sticking with my original guess of Goldie Hawn, but wanted to come up with two backups. Now, believe it or not, I'm going to throw Jennifer Tilly into the mix. Yes, she actually was nominated for an academy award - supporting actress in Bullets over Broadway in 1994 - she's extremely hootchie cootchie, and, um, looks a little plastic and botoxed to me. I also want to back up the Kathleen Turner guess, though I read that she suffers from extremely debilitating Rheumitoid Arthritis, so I'm not sur if it's plastic surgery or just side effects of steroid treatments...?

CC said...

ernestine, have you ever seen the movie Bonnie and Clyde with Faye and Warren Beatty? My lord, talk about SEXY..I'm talking about Faye, not Warren, by the way, in case that wasn't clear. Still not sure if it was her, but there was a time when she was SMOKIN hot...