Friday, September 04, 2009

Ted C. Blind Items

Get ready for a gay, anonymous-sex hookup gone wrong—hunky movie-star style! Now, our latest Blind Vice entrant, Topher Hairy-Tuchus, has made an appearance before in the Awful Truth, but only as a supporting player—this totally handsome stud was never christened with his own moniker. Until now, anyway! And since Toph's made it into our sexyass annals, seems like he's dutifully checking off every other last step required for getting (and staying) on the Vice A-list. Lauded movies, check. Hot bod, check. Famous female companions, check. Totally closeted homo, check and then some!

'K, so a doable dude who secretly prefers the company of men is as common in H'wood as a paparazzi fender bender outside the Ivy. But it's where and how THT seeks his men that's quite noteworthy and somewhat unusual, considering how unglamorous it truly is...

Topher could nab any leading lady he wants (and he has), but when it comes to his men moods, THT goes to Craigslist. Maybe you shouldn't go looking for lovers the same place you get cheapo couches and scalped concert tickets, but no one told Toph that. And hey, his Internet dabbling worked, since somebody replied to his ad looking for a good, quickie time. No names needed, just body parts, and meaty ones at that.

Hook, line and sink 'im: Once Topher had lured his catch to the house, he went far out of his way to keep this nooky expedition under wraps—he even set up a sheet with a hole in it where all the action would take place, keeping identities secret on either side. A "glory hole" one would call it, of course, except this particular hole was cut out of fine linen (what a waste!) as opposed to etched into a dingy bathroom stall wall. Guess that makes it so much more romantic, no?

THT was ready for some clandestine action, but when Topher's gentleman showed up, the lured dude didn't want to keep it nearly as anonymous as Hairy-T. The guy refused to partake unless he could see THT's face—to check for sores (and let's be honest, to make sure he would be doing a hot guy). THT refused to budge on this bang request, but the guy swung the sheet back anyway to find one of the most wanted celebs staring back at him!

'Course, they both went through with the unsheeted deed, even after the unveiling of Topher's famous face. What horny man in the world wouldn't? What I want to know is why the ef doesn't THT use nondisclosure forms instead of stupid 300-count sheets? What a moron!

And It Ain't:
Daniel Radcliffe, Robert Pattinson, Chris Pine

48 comments:

The Northman said...

Gerard Butler. Yeah, I said it!

bruzualjanelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
margarita said...

Bradley Cooper.

MontanaMarriott said...

Due to the age of the ain'ts and that HOOK, LINE and SINK'im I wanna say Titanic's Leo Di Caprio??

Christopher said...

Zachary Quinto.

All of the blinds were from sci-fi/fantasy movies. Just a shot in the dark.

whole_lotto _luv said...

I'm going with that hairy-ass-cracked Adrian Grenier.

The Northman said...

Is Leo really 'hunky'? Love him, but I don't think so.

LOL @ the '300' count linen sheet being ruined!

Lisa (original) said...

Hugh Jackman.

Drcocks said...

Wonder if the "300" count sheet is a clue to the movie "300"? If so could be Gerard Butler or who ever was in that movie.

shazzzba said...

THE THREE NOT'S ARE IN THEIR 20'S SO I TEND TO THINK THIS GUY IS ALSO....THAT 300 BIT IS CONFUSING....WHY TED ? WHY ?

RocketQueen said...

Almost impossible, this one. Probably a younger guy - 300 thrown in to confuse us - interesting use of Topher (Grace).

Mooshki said...

I don't think Zachary Qinto is closeted, is he? I mean, I know he's not exactly "out," but is he trying to hide anything? I think of him like Neil Patrick Harris used to be - an open secret. I'm on the Gerard Butler train. (Well, not that train. Aw, you know what I mean...)

shazzzba said...

P.S. DOESN'T BUTLER ALREADY HAVE A 'NAME'...FUZZY SOMETHING...TED SAID THIS GUY DIDN'T HAVE A 'NAME' IN THE PAST...
TED MAKES ME CRAZY...

whole_lotto _luv said...

RocketQueen, and oddly enough, Ashton's first name is Christopher, per imdb.Chris-Topher.

But I think that's a red herring, like the 300-count.

Mama Theresa said...

OR....300 is the Gerard Butler movie from 2006. just sayin'

JudyPatooty said...

Aww. Leave my Gerard alone! :)

Ted C. has already said Gerard hasn't made it into a Blind Vice yet (in a Bitch Back in July), and this guy supposedly was a "supporting player" in a previous B.V. Ted said Gerard was "too dull" to be in a Blind Vice.

Plus, all of the "And It Ain't"s are all young guys in their 20s.

All that said, I don't have a clue who THT might be!

pomme said...

an young 20's actor in a franchise movie... shia leboeuf?

The Northman said...

@ Pomme, you might have something there...the mention of the fender-bender could be a reference to his notorious accident and his name leboeuf, goes with the 'meaty' description ted gives. But I so want this to be Gerard!

Pookie said...

clooney.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

"Totally handsome stud"
"could nab any leading lady he wants (and he has)
"one of the most wanted celebs"

Sorry... that AIN'T Shia LeBoeuf.

Alice D Millionaire said...

Leo is 35 so I don't think he fits with the age bracket. Topher is 31. Gerard is 40 so if we are going with the age thing it is not him.

The 300 works for Gerard but seems a little obvious?

I don't know who this one is :(

C said...

Zach Efron

Alice D Millionaire said...

I could totally see Efron being that stupid.

K said...

La Quinto

The Northman said...

@Alice D Millionaire , ikr, the very idea that he thought that doing it with just a sheet to protect his identity made me snicker as I was reading the BI. I would have been more understanding if he was wearing a harlequin mask.

Also, the fact is the man came to your house, so he now knows where you LIVE, how is that keeping it anonymous?? Idiot.

There are a things that make me think it's not Zac; have his movies really been lauded? Also is he really a hunky movie star? Ted says that he could land any leading lady he wants (and he has) and we know that can't be Zac. He's been dating Vanessa since he was like 12 and she is NO leading lady.

DNfromMN said...

Zac Efron ain't hairy. I don't know what photos you guys have been looking at. (And he would've just been able to say he was Brent Corrigan. I'm sure Zac knows who that is.)

Zach Quinto hasn't been known to hook up with women.

Cooper fits with the history of women, but doesn't fit with the clues. He also has a movie being released this weekend (All About Steve) and Ted tends to time things.

Gerard also has "Gamer" coming out this weekend. But he's gotten chubby since 300, not sure if he's considered to be a "hot body" anymore.

The Northman said...

@DNfromMN, true Zac isn't hairy. Is it sad, that I as a woman know and appreciate the confusing (to me) hotness that is Brent Corrigan? One of his more recent pics has been making the rounds on Twitter. *hangs head in shame*

Now, when I think hairy, my mind goes to Adrian Grenier from Entourage, but I can't get past the douchiness enough to even consider his remotely hot.

IMO, Gerard is no longer hot. There I said it.

Does Ted C. ever reveal his BIs?

linoge1 said...

Gerard Butler is not 40,yet...give him 2 months.

I would not be surprised if this is him.
Yes Grenier is hairy but I really don't see any hotness in him.

Quinto is not that famous is he???

I go with Gerard...why??
Let's just say he is my Affleck.

Tania said...

Just throwing it out there - Eli Roth?
The blind doesn't actually say what 'Topher' does in movies, does it? Leading ladies could also fall to a famous-ish director. I've seen several blogs talking about how hot he is since Inglourious Basterds opened. He's dark and good-looking, & could well be hairy.

Course, I have no idea of his dating history, so feel free to shoot the suggestion down... ;-)

RocketQueen said...

Bonus Blind Vice clue from Ted on Twitter:
Bonus Vice clue: Topher Hairy-Tuchus is devilishly handsome as his toothy grin

The Northman said...

@Tania, I wikid Eli and he is a successful director of those horror movies like Cabin Fever and Hostel, but unfortunately the wiki god had no info on his personal life. In his wiki pic he looks so much like Zachary Quinto.

captivagrl said...

orlando bloom?

The Northman said...

@RocketQueen: I know he's the joke answer to all the BIs, but how about Ben Affleck? Wasn't there a big deal years ago when he got his teeth fixed and everyone was commenting on it?

*Hangs head in shame and goes to Follow Ted C. on Twitter*

linoge1 said...

toothy grin??Is there something like a toothless grin too?

sunnyside1213 said...

Ted already said Fruzzy wasn't Butler. I think it is someone younger. Bradley Cooper doesn't seem that stupid. I have no idea who this could be.

The Northman said...

@linoge1 LOL at toothless grin.

I had something more to say but your avie is distracting me greatly.

Ahem.

@Tani mentioned Eli Roth above and when I checked wiki it seemed like he kinda fit the clues but I don't know about his past relationships. However when I went to Ted's homepage, the title of this blind vice is 'Gory-Hole'. I think that could definitely be a clue, right? Eli Roth is a director famous for his gore-porno (gorno) movies.

Tammy said...

It's definitely Adrian.

Tania said...

@Northman,
yes, 'Gory-hole' is quite a clue!
I can't see why he's used that title, unless it's a hint. Nothing in the blind is in the least violent or gory. But Roth's films are definitely gore-porn, and Basterds is pretty gory, too. His character beats people to death with a bat.

ms snarky said...

toothy grin? except for never having been the subject of a blind before, we could be back to Jakey. But he's obviously out - no pun intended! : )

So who else has a toothy grin?

ms snarky said...

Ryan Philippe - young, hot, great body, good movie rep, famous female companions. Although he doesn't fit with the Nots.

pusssykatt said...

Eli Roth was my son's college roommate at NYU film school...he's not gay.

Mooshki said...

pusssykatt, is he as much of an immature asshole in real life as he appears to be?

Dorinda said...

Got to be Tom Cruise.

Dorinda said...

Could be Bruce Willis

Katja said...

Pusskatt. Unless you are washing his sheets or have a camera on someone 24/7 how do you know that.


I shared a house with a guy who shared ba bathroom with me & my roommate.

He openly 'drooled' over her boobs (later reduced). But we heard and saw way to much to belive hid 'intrest'.

When people want to hide info they tell half truths.

As my gay cousin said to me a million times.. don't you remember ('the actors in HS' being called 'drama fags')?

And I have to admit that at the DC/VA metro public schools I went to that was the verbage.

Barton Fink said...

Katja, it makes me sad to think of women reducing their breast size in order to hide themselves from the drooling attention of gay guys. Seriously, on behalf of all gay men, I say, keep your breasts, ladies, they might come in handy someday.

Tania said...

@pusssykatt,
ok, fair enough.

Whoever it is, the sheet thing is kinky! ;-) He could have worn a mask, or insisted on having the lights out. So I guess he liked the idea of the sheet more - however impractical it turned out to be!

Tania said...

@pusssykatt,
ok, fair enough.

Whoever it is, the sheet thing is kinky! ;-) He could have worn a mask, or insisted on having the lights out. So I guess he liked the idea of the sheet more - however impractical it turned out to be!