Friday, March 15, 2013

Justin Bieber Wants To Sleep With Lindsay Lohan

I have been giving this a lot of thought. I know, I know. You are asking yourself how I ever get anything accomplished if I spend all day thinking about Justin Bieber and Lindsay Lohan. I find that if I skip showers I have lots more time in my day and not as many friends who want to say hey. Yesterday, I'm sure you read that Justin went off on the world for suggesting he needs rehab. Yes, just like every episode of Intervention, Justin Bieber thinks he does not need rehab. If he thought he did not rehab would he have admitted it? Of course not, just like he won't admit that he secretly wants to have sex with Lindsay Lohan. Justin Bieber is a long time fan of Lindsay. Freaky Friday was the only movie his mom would let him watch until last week so he is obviously skewed in what he thinks is the ideal woman. In his manifesto yesterday, Justin made a joke about he is no Lindsay Lohan and that Justin actually has money. It was funny, so of course Justin took it out. I think his mom also told him that it was not the way to attract a good girl like Lindsay. I would become a Belieber if Lindsay and Justin started dating. I would buy a pair of diaper pants and tie them around my ankles so only my tight whiteys were showing.

47 comments:

ethorne said...

I'd be crying too if he wanted me.

Lucas said...

I'm all for this, because they deserve each other. He is trying to make himself look more grown-up and nothing says "I will do whatever I want, consequences be damned!" like fucking LiLo.

Turkish Taffy said...

I'm thinking a threesome with Taylor Swift and then the world implodes!!

Lucas said...

@Turkish Taffy - Bwahahahaha!

Amber said...

That pairing would be HYSTERICAL. I hope they get married. What do you think they'd pick for a china pattern? Vertical lines or horizontal?

ethorne said...

@Amber-flat mirrored plates & a nice set of silver straws.

FSP said...

Yes please!

Free LiLo!

libby said...

Is there any way we can direct them on their inevitable first-date DUI, to crash into a bridge piling that's set for demo anyway? Like a public service on their way to crackie heaven?


Too much?

Meanie Reese said...

Purple Drank for all!!

libby said...

Oh, god Reese--The Lilo/Bieber wedding festivities...

Featuring?

A fountain of 'Purple Drank', fo sho....

What else? I haven't been to too many 'real' weddings. Maybe throw benzos instead of rice?

Those little ribbon-rose stealth-crackpipes at every chair as a party favor? (The ones they sell at the gas station for a buck?--Those.)

What else? If we CDaN whores can't plan a good wedding for these kids, then we should just turn in our badges NOW and go home.

Amber said...

@libby - EXCUSE ME. I am a BURRITO whore, TYVM.

@ethorne - Mirrored plates, of course!

Meanie Reese said...

Oh god, this is gonna be a day where I need to wear a diaper, isn't it? Ribbon rose stealth crackpipes! LMAO

ethorne said...

@Libby-We'll get Biebs' friend to drive, the one that wrecks every week.

hunter said...

I need to know more about this Bieber manifesto. Links anyone?

Meanie Reese said...

Naw, let the bride drive!

MISCH said...

Great they can swap STD's

SueRH said...

Bieber-free month!!!

ethorne said...

Dina's gonna love this, you know she requires a dowry right? Vodka, xanax & spray tan are acceptable forms of payment.

libby said...

Reese----Have you seen them at the convenience stores? Ours won't sell cigarette rolling papers, but they gladly sell a 'ribbon rose' that just happens to come in a little glass pipe.

My local store clerk had to TELL me why so many scruffy dudes were coming in and buying tiny flowers. I am THICK sometimes.

Meanie Reese said...

Swapping STDs instead of the traditional rings...sure to be a popular new trend!

libby said...

ethorne--Also leggings.

If she were smart, she'd also ask for a chicken coop and a few goats, 'cause that bitch needs a JOB and FOOD.

Meanie Reese said...

Yes, Libby, I have seen them. SMDH that those are sold but not rolling papers.

kelly said...

Y'all are on fire today, laughing through my coffee.

"As long as you love me, we could be starving, we could be broke . . . "

yeah, could happen.

ethorne said...

@Libby, when I used to work at a drugstore, we had to keep the tire gauges behind the counter & we always found empty boxes of chore-boy bc people stole that shit. I was like Wtf? My co-worker had to fill me in.

Barton Fink said...

The tire gauges make the best crack pipes because they don't break like the glass pipes, which invariably chip away piece by piece until you're smoking through a two-centimeter long tube of glass and burning your fingers and lips.

libby said...

WOW! Thanks for the info, guys.

I've heard a crack pipe called a 'glass dick'.

I think of that whenever I meet a glass MJ pipe.

Robert said...

Just what she needs. Anyway, I can't help wondering if the little punk can even get it up. On second thought, if that is an issue for him, Lindsay just might be able to help him out. She should have plenty of experience in that area.

Agent**It said...

Chore boy, wow that brought me back in time to an "experimental" phase of life.

Mikey said...

@ Ethorne, a dowry that is hilarious! You know Dina is contacting Bieber's management saying in order to not sue they will accept payment in Xanax, vodka and spray tan.

Alicia said...

Haha ( in my Nelson voice )

Mango said...

Holy crap. I learn so much from CDaN! Crack pipe from those little glass vases? I didn't know that either. I just thought those scruffy guys were all like, romantical n stuff. When ethorne posted about tire gauges I googled and found a message board about how to smoke crack without a glass pipe . Crack heads helping other crack heads out!

Gayeld said...

@libby. Burrito bar for dinner?

DewieTheBear said...

I think Linds would twist that twerp like a pretzel.

scratchy kitty said...

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

lazyday603 said...

If Freaky Friday is his favorite movie shouldn't he be crushing on Jamie Lee Curtis? Her character was more age appropriate for Bieber.

(I'm a little miffed at Jamie Lee after the rant she went on against nudity in film last week. She said it was all due to the bullying tactics of male directors. She needs to rent a few Jane Campion movies. That and her signature scene in Trading Places moved her from Scream Queen to Major Movie Star)

nudibelle said...

CDAN..always so educational!

these two coming together would be a dream come true for every gossip lover in the world...

imagine a lohan beiber baby
white oprah a grandma

lord jesus

scratchy kitty said...

This is the greatest CDAN thread ever! :-D Yes! Lets all plan the wedding of the year!

califblondy said...

They could be the modern day Liz and Dick. Linds would love the comparison while the Biebs wonders why he's being called a dick.

Best wishes you two crazy kids

Chicky said...

What about colors? Spray-tan Cheeto orange for sure...ooh - and Justin's royal purple! I can see the table arrangements now!!!

Colleen said...

"You are asking yourself how I ever get anything accomplished if I spend all day thinking about Justin Bieber and Lindsay Lohan. I find that if I skip showers I have lots more time in my day and not as many friends who want to say hey."

Enty's got a little bit of humor today. There's been a few tongue-in-cheek comments in the posts today...

parissucksliterally said...

Hey, he can afford her- didn't you see his 2012 tax returns?

Sherry said...

Well you guys have certainly edumacated me about those gas station roses. Who knew?

Ethorne what's with the chore boy? The scrubbies?

Bieber would never make it through a full night of Linds...she's too hard core for him!

libby said...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chore%20boy

Second definition is very good about how to make a crack pipe, why the Chore-Boy.

Too hick to make it click, again--sorry!!

mistang said...

I never knew about all these things used for drugs. I am naive obviously. I had to look it up. I came across this.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-secret-criminal-uses-stuff-they-sell-in-gas-stations/

Popnursing said...

Linds has an ugly cry face.

ethorne said...

@Sherry-I guess chore boy is a good screen for the tire gauge so you don't eat your rock. When I started working there & saw people were stealing scrubbies, I was baffled. "Damn, people need to clean that bad?" Lol

Ari said...

The more she's mentioned the more money in the bank for that useless crap