Never Miss Your Wife's Birthday

I think you can pretty much tell a marriage is over when a spouse disappears for the other spouse's birthday. Last night in Jon & Kate was Kate's birthday. The episode was filmed back in March and back then all of America thought everything was wonderful between the pair. Other than Jon's hairplugs that is. Anyway, if we had not known about the fact they were cheating on each other, it might have all seemed innocent. Jon's explanation for being gone was this. "I went out to Utah for, like, five days," he says. "I just wanted to get back out there and ride with my friends. It just happened to fall on Kate's birthday."

Uh huh. Tonight when you get home or see your spouse or significant other why don't you tell them that instead of being at home for their birthday and being with your 8 kids that you decided that you want to fly across the country and spend time with your friends. I'm guessing that conversation will be a real joy.

Even if we hadn't known the couple was in trouble I think anyone with a brain would have thought something was wrong. You just don't do that. People miss birthdays all the time but it is not usually by choice. Oh, and they don't spend five days with their friends when one of the friends is someone with whom they are sleeping. Yep. Deanna Hummel was on the trip with Jon. Oh, did you hear that somehow when Deanna's brother got kicked out he managed to hang on to her bed. I think he is selling her bed and sheets on eBay. Talk about Ick. Nast!

Kate Gosselin Learns Why You Should Wait

Kate Gosselin has learned a very important lesson which has been passed down through the generations by politicians and cheating spouses. Don't admit anything before you know what the other side has. I'm sure at some point Kate learned of the US Weekly article that came out today and imagined it said all kinds of things about she was having sex with her bodyguard. Why does she need a bodyguard anyway? Whatever. It turns out the US Weekly story implied some things, but it was nothing outrageous or earth shattering. They basically said she is friendly with the bodyguard and he doesn't always wear his wedding ring. Oh, and that Jon sleeps over the garage. Oh, and that he has been seeing that Deanna Hummel woman for a long time and going out of town with her. Oh. One of the time he went out of town with Deanna and her girlfriend to Utah, Kate was also out of town. So, no one was home with the kids except professionals and maybe a TLC crew. Nice.

But, Kate didn't know it was going to be so tame and probably thought she was being smart when she gave an interview and cover story to People trying to answer many of the allegations she thought were coming but which didn't. So, instead of a one day news cycle that would have gone away, she is on the cover of People quoted as saying the couple might split up and that things have been bad for months. She also has known about Deanna for several months. Those comments she made to Jon when he got caught were probably about him being more careful like she is with the bodyguard.

"You can't imagine yourself in a certain position when all this first happens, but you can do it over some months. It's a lot like when I was first pregnant with the babies, and it was pure shock and denial. But over time I imagined six cribs in my house, and six car seats. When your mind is ready to go there, you can accept any number of scenarios."

Yeah, I would say this show is history. Maybe they will turn it into some type of Brady Bunch show. That would be tough though because of Deanna's sex tape. Also, do viewers want to watch them divorced? I think TLC will pull the plug on this show if they split up and find some other family to follow.

This Just Keeps Getting Better

So, I end up having to stay in court all morning and rush back to see what is happening in gossip land, and wouldn't you know the Jon & Kate story is one that just keeps on giving. It is kind of like dating Paris Hilton. Of course that kind of giving is a lifetime thing, and this one will probably run its course in a few months.

So, Deanna Hummel who has portrayed herself as Miss Innocent 3rd grade teacher over the past week and has never done anything unseemly has a sex tape. No, it isn't with Jon, although that would be a definitely Very Special Jon & Kate. No, it turns out that Deanna had been with some other guy and they said, what the hell, lets make a sex tape. Then Deanna probably said, "I need to get famous so it will be worth something." Next thing you know she and Jon are getting it on and her ex-boyfriend sets up a website to sell the sex tape.

From the site:

When I read the news about her alleged affair with Jon Gosselin from the show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I have to say I wasn't surprised.

The Deanna I knew wasn't above cheating, even with married men, hence our eventual breakup. During our time together we made a secret amateur sex tape. It wasn't a hidden cam or anything, she was totally aware of the fact that I was taping. This has never been available to the public before. And it still isn't...yet! But I am shopping this tape and am currently in negotiations with sites like porn.com about selling it.

If anyone is interested in making me an offer, please email me at sextape@deannahummel.com

So, they probably already have several offers. If she hasn't lost her teaching job yet, she will in the next few weeks. This just keeps getting better and better. If you want to see the screen caps from the tape, you can click here. It is semi-NSFW. I can't tell if the guy kept his socks on, which seems to be standard for sex tapes. She does have her shirt on.

Could Jon & Kate Ever Divorce?

US Weekly has a cover story out this week that says Jon Gosselin has been cheating on Kate with 3rd grade teacher Deanna Hummel. She was the woman in the car. Her obviously self educated brother and roommate gave an interview to US and said the pair has been together for three months.

I love how this guy just throws his sister under the bus. I'm not sure what sibling would do that to another if they really cared about the other person. Plus, they live together so it isn't like they are going to run into each other. His explanation for throwing her under the bus is, "She's a nice girl, not a homewrecker. He is a bad liar. This isn't healthy for her. But she is refusing to help herself, so here I am trying to help her myself. I hope this clears the air."

It clears the air that you are a self serving fame seeker, so thanks for that.

He also says the couple has a lot of sex and he is forced to listen to them because his room is next to hers and they have thin walls and it doesn't help that he also has little eye holes drilled in the wall so he can check to make sure she is ok.

"A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who's, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast."

For the record I believe he is 32 and she is 23, but I could see how math is not his strong suit. Either is the idea I guess of actually leaving the apartment while his sister is having sex if it makes him so uncomfortable. If it is as, how does he say it, "Ick. Nast." If something were Ick or Nast to me, I doubt I would stick around and listen to it. I would probably go to the library and learn how to add numbers together.

If Jon is indeed doing the "Nast" with the 3rd grade teacher, can he and Kate ever divorce? I don't think so. I think they have to suck it up and pretend they love each other because if they divorce, a show called "Kate Makes Nine" just doesn't have quite the ring to it. I guess it could be "Whoever Has Visitation This Week Whether It Be Jon Or Kate Makes 9 While They Are Waiting In The McDonald's Parking Lot To Exchange The Kids."

Jon Gosselin's Other Woman Makes No Sense

So, last week I posted about how Jon Gosselin was photographed with another woman who was driving his car and whom he called, "Babe." Well, the other woman has a name and it is Deanna Hummel. She is 23 years old and told People Magazine that everything was completely innocent. "We're just friends. It's absurd that anyone would think otherwise."

Well, I don't think it is absurd that people would think otherwise. I don't think we should assume otherwise, but I think it is perfectly plausible that if the photographer had not been there that something more innocent than driving his car may have occurred.

About that car thing?

"He just got this new car and I wanted to drive it. I'm into cars. We all have guy and girl friends. Because of who he is, it gets portrayed the wrong way, and it's unfair to him and his family."

Uh huh. She also says Jon never called her babe and that no one calls her babe.

OK. Well let us assume her story is entirely true. She has no reason to lie or anything. Oh, well sure, money. Oh, and if she thinks Jon would leave Kate for her. Anyway, Jon released a statement after this happened last week saying he had "shown poor judgment."

Why was it poor judgment? If the two of you are just friends than it really shouldn't matter if you were riding in a car together or that you gave a really weird reason for that car ride. Just because your married with children (Have you ever noticed the title sequence in Married With Children has a scene from Vacation?) doesn't mean you have to stop riding in cars with other people. That is why I think there is more to this than either person is saying.

Think about it. If everything were completely innocent would you tell the world I used poor judgment? What is your significant other going to say when you say something like that? Was he referring to going out? Why can't he go out? They have nannies.