Ted Casablanca

So, earlier this week, Ted Casablanca signed off from E! after 20 years there. That is a really long time to be writing a gossip column. Many of you have asked if I know anything. I will get to that in a minute. I think Ted deserves a lot of credit for the blind item. He made it popular. He made every column his own with that crazy language of his that only a Variety subscriber can truly appreciate. Over the past three weeks he has not really been there and after that long away, the move was not unexpected. Is he sick? Getting a new job? Fired for doing something wrong? Maybe he bad mouthed a Kardashian instead of kissing their rings. The rumor is that Ted was suspended while the bosses decided what to do. It didn't turn out well, and I don't think ted did anything on purpose. He could have caused a lot of damage to a lot of people. I think the bosses at E! should remember that and have given him a second chance. I think they chose what he did as an excuse to get rid of him and his salary and find someone they like more.

Ted C Blind Item

Oh, the luxurious lifestyles of those rich and famous franchise stars!

They basically run Hollywood these days, what with their movies making gajillions of dollars at the box office and all that. But it's when they step out of that limelight that their perfect little facades fade away and their naughty little secrets come to light.

Like, say, Sammy Sniffles and a late night secret that's yet to be exposed...

Until now.

Sammy recently appeared in a mucho-hyped big screen flick, Three Cheers for the Underdog. One of those million dollar popcorn flicks that comes with action figures, legions of devoted fans and instant A-list credit.

And Sam does not disappoint when it comes to living the franchise lifestyle.

For one, S2 is into that whole fakey romance thing (complete with lovey-dovey paparazzi pics, natch), and, while that's one secret Sam would not want revealed, there's a nastier Vice that's starting to draw even more attention:

Cocaine! And loads of it!

Yep, like so many stars of yesteryear (or even yesterday), as soon as Sammy made it big in Tinseltown, the drugs started flowing. Now, Sam—discreetly, of course—will spend the whole night snorting lines of blow.

So when does the party end? Well, it doesn't, really.

Sammy does enough coke to stay awake through the wee hours of the morning, then heads directly from the party to whatever sort of work Sniffles has that day.

So far though, Sam hasn't slipped. But we're assuming it's only a matter of time.

AND IT AIN'T: Kristen Stewart, Josh Hutcherson, Chris Hemsworth

Ted C Blind Item

Have we mentioned that Chiquita is, well, bananas?

If her using her man-trapping nether regions to sleep her way to the top (or at least to primetime) or that outrageous diva 'tude (seriously, who does this broad think she is?) wasn't enough to convince you, well, maybe you're just as kooky as Chicky is!

Which means you'll love her latest party trick:

Not only does Chiquita make it a habit to hook up with at least one costar per party, natch, but she's taken to a stripping routine of sorts.

At a recent A-list fête attended by our brassy babe and her coworkers, partygoers were left shocked when Chiquita cut a line for the bathroom and disappeared inside.

Well, the cutting wasn't actually what had jaws dropping—Chiquita is way too famous to wait in lines, of course—it was what she revealed when she left the powder room.

Which was her lingerie.

Yep, Chiquita hit the bathroom, stripped off some clothing and returned to the party in her hot pants like it was totally normal. And that's how she entertained for the rest of the evening: in her pseudo-birthday suit.

On second thought, guess I'm not too surprised. She's always been more likely to bare her body than her soul.

AND IT AIN'T: Blake Lively, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Emily VanCamp

Ted C Blind Item

If sometimes trampy, always crafty Veronica Bee-Stings can find love, then we all can, right?!

That's what Awful Truth's broken hearted club is hoping, at least. Because we recently caught wind that our dear VBS—who never met a husband she couldn't steal or a lie she wouldn't tell—isn't just hooking up with her current beefcake B-Lister.

Nope, Ronnie has been bitten by the love bug. And how!

"She's telling everyone she knows that she's in love," a close pal of Veronica's dishes about the surgically enhanced starlet and her boy toy of the moment, who (if you believe Ms. Bee-Stings) might be "the one."

How trés romantic, no?! Sounds like someone's ready to get wifed up!

Actually, on second thought, that's not saying much, as Veronica has always been known to fall hard and fast for the many men in her life. At least that's what she wants you to believe...she values the paparazzi pictures of her and her famous beaus far more than any TLC they give her.

That is, until now.

"She's changed her ways. Really!" her friend promises. "She's not interested in setting up tabloid pictures or flaunting him on the red carpet. She actually likes spending time with him. It helps that he's crazy about her too."

All her ways except one.

We have a feeling she isn't exactly revealing her nasty secrets to this dude either, ya know, in case her rather risqué past makes him want to cut and run.

So instead she'll keep those sexy skeletons buried in the back of her closet, behind all those Hervé mini-dresses and designer pumps.

AND IT AIN'T: Katy Perry, Charlize Theron, Lea Michele

Ted C Blind Item

Oh, what a tangled website we weave, when at first we practice to deceive. That's what one of those crusty writer guys said, right?

OK, maybe not exactly, but conniving, breasty Harriet Talons sure had that in mind when she backstabbed so many people on her current hit show, her own network's New York website is currently weighing whether or not to write a scathing exposé on Harriet's behind-the-scenes shenanigans—they're that damn impressive.

Back in Hollywood, but equally as stealth—and to far more sexy results—would be an Oscar-nominated star's party behavior. Want to hear what Freddie Friction picked up along with his cocktail?

A date!

And it's weird on so many levels: Just like Harriet, who tells the world constantly (mostly in women's magazines) how down-to-earth and shy and humble she is, Jeremy's been busy spinning a similar ersatz media presence. For instance, he often talks about how "straight" he is. Like, a lot.

Isn't it fascinating how very unlike Crescent Cumquat and Topher Hairy-Tuchus—who often depend on extravagant online shenanigans to hook up with guys they fancy—Freddie is. He just asked a guy home at a recent N.Y. party! Right in front of everybody!

And even though the party dude who Freddie asked back to his place was completely shocked, he did manage to say yes, in case you were wondering.

Yeah, maybe it was kinda stupid for Freddie (who we hear is a tad on the old-fashioned side) to let this all go down in the open, but hey, makes more sense than Craigslist, huh? Less of a trail…

I think Freddie's gonna be a crafty one, just like Harriet. In fact, I'm sure of it!

AND IT AIN'T: Felicity Huffman and Chord Overstreet, Joan Rivers and Zac Efron, Betty White and Robert Pattinson

Ted C Blind Item

Traylor McMuff is the kind of celeb dude who enjoys many of the trappings of Hollywood life. But the guy will probably never go home with an Oscar, that's just a cold hard fact.

Instead, Traylor gets to take back to his bicoastal abodes many other things, mainly lots of money, tons of friends who love his outgoing personality, and, um, just about every woman who he comes in contact with, both married and not.

What's his secret?

Traylor hangs out almost exclusively with gay men!

See, Traylor knows that despite his killer abs and face, both L.A. and New York are chock-full of gorgeous young men who are dying to show almost any woman a good time. And even though Traylor's bod is drop-dead tight (still) and his face is chiseled as they come, he is not, how shall we say, getting any younger.

He therefore loves nothing more than going out—sometimes several times in one week—with his friends to gay bars. Because Traylor knows full well that often where gay men go, also go their straight best girlfriends.

And these gals are usually so taken aback to find out Traylor isn't secretly gay (as many folks think) they're willing to do just about anything the McMuff asks.

Which just happens to always include taking them back to his pad and—how shall I put this?—having nooky that's not exactly great for everybody.

Just Traylor.

What a naughty boy in more ways than one!

AND IT AIN'T: Matthew McConaughey, Mark Wahlberg, Kanye West

Ted C Blind Item

Caesar Anchovy-Arse has always been known for being a fairly talented man. But what the world doesn't know about him really does remain his best (unknown) achievement: Preventing the world from learning just how poorly he's treated his partner, Strippa Rip-Ya.

But Caesar's latest shenanigans really do trump all his past debauched behavior, and that's saying something:

Because fooling around or getting high is nothing compared to actually hurting your woman and then claiming you were helping her along in her career path...which is exactly what Caesar's latest line is all about.

"He's claiming he made her," says a pal to the put-upon couple, regarding Strippa's professional success (which, admittedly, has been quite mixed). "Can you believe that?" asks the friend, rhetorically.

The famous couple's pal is shocked mostly because Caesar's form of supporting his wife in the past has usually consisted of verbally abusing her. Or worse. He's been an unacceptable husband, in every sense of the word.

But now, Mr. Anchovy-Arse is claiming otherwise, just so he can be assured of spending Strippa's paychecks—for now, and forever.

Jeez, is it Hollywood that creates these men, or have they always been around?

AND IT AIN'T: Peter Facinelli, David Beckham, Ashton Kutcher

Ted C Blind Item

Where art thou, heartthrob Nelly Fang?

Hooking up with the most stunning partner in his fairly impressive past, that's what!

The fact that Nelly's currently smitten with golden celeb Queen Djibouti is such great news because…

As we all know, Nelly hasn't always made the wisest (or safest) romance choices in the past.

And besides, Nelly has such an impressive everything—face, career, personality, etc.—isn't it about time he settle down with somebody who's as beautifully put together, not to mentioned gifted, as he is? Totally!

Queen, who's not quite as romantically experimental as Nelly, is still probably a pretty perfect fit for her new man, as she's all about the work (just like Fang) and is totally easygoing in her private life. Which is probably why she used to date a guy just like Nelly, who also likes to do his own thing.

In other words, Fang and Queen's exes are probably each other's types! Or certainly were at one time.

But that's then. Now is all about Nelly and Queen slowly cementing their hotness for each other, which appears to be the real thing.

Kind of a shocker for Mr. Fang, who's not unused to the fake-partner P.R. thing.

We actually dig this new Nelly.

True love's always hot, right?

It Ain't: Tim Tebow and Taylor Swift, Taylor Kinney and Lady Gaga, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively