Dear Grammy Pickers,
Hi, me again. I know it's been awhile but you'll happy to know that I've finally recovered from that devastating blow that was the 1990 Grammy's. I've decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that your omission of the ultimate boy band Nelson and their hit "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection," really was a simple oversight, as you explained. Though I'd be lying if I said I don't feel you are to blame for the band's demise and current popularity on the Royal Caribbean cruise ship circuit. I could continue but my therapist tells me it's better not to dwell on the past.
I woke up this morning with the intent to keep looking forward, continuing to take it a day at a time in hopes of preserving our already fragile relationship. Unfortunately, those dreams were broken faster than a paparazzi camera by Kanye with your announcement of the nominees in this year's Best New Artist Category. Adele? Good choice. Duffy? Love her. But I can only hope it's the fault of one too many egg nogs at the holiday party that somehow allowed the Jonas Brothers onto that list.
The Jonas Brothers. What, is the average age of the group of you that decides on this category age twelve? (Let's hope not or the amount of egg nog you are consuming is a bigger problem than I thought) You explain the qualifications for deciding on the category as this, "For a new artist who releases, during the Eligibility Year, the first recording which establishes the public identity of that artist." Ignoring the fact that this year's release was the THIRD album the JuJu Bes released (the first coming out in 2006, a whopping TWO YEARS before they were nominated as "new" artists), may I ask what it was that convinced you this album was "The One" for the Jingle Bells? Was it the earth shattering lyrics from their digital download hit, "Burnin Up": "I'm slippin into the lava/ And I'ma tryin to keep from goin under/ Baby you turn the temperature hotter/ Cuz I'm burnin up, burnin up for you baby?" Yeah, because nothing rhymes with "lava" like "I'ma!" Or perhaps their brilliant incorporation of modern day technology into the timeless tales of heartache like on "S.O.S": "So this is where the story ends/a conversation on IM." Wow. Just….wow. You're right. Songwriters like Paul McCartney and Eric Clapton could learn a thing or two about staying relevant in today's marketplace from these kids!
I don't think anyone, minus the thirteen year old girl who lives next door to me and probably won't lose her virginity til she's 35, bless her heart, would hold these boys in the same esteem as past category winners such as Bobby Darin, Carly Simon, The Carpenters, and…oh I don't know…THE BEATLES. Come on guys. It was a good one. I'll admit. You had me. Ha Ha. But April Fool's Day isn't for another few months and the only people who could consider this nomination an early Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa gift are going to be forgotten right about……..now. It's not too late to fill that hole in my heart that you left when giving Nelson the shaft. And hey, I hear Royal Caribbean is hiring…..
Still loving Matthew and Gunnar,