Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Greatest Complaint Letter Ever

On a recent flight from Mumbai to London, a man had the opportunity to fly Virgin. Apparently as you can tell from the flight, he was irritated about every aspect of the flight. Richard Branson has confirmed that he did call the man and speak with him and thanked him for the comments. I hope maybe he gave the guy a free ticket just for the originality and comedy in the letter. If you don't laugh at least a little when you read this, then you need to close your office door and concentrate. Long, but brilliant.

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:
I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn’t custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation:
It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:
I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:
Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly

XXXX

60 comments:

121007 said...

i literally cried laughing at this. Best Complaint Letter, ever.

Dave said...

Hahaha, that's the most awesome letter ever. Just reading it made me think I was watching a a British comedy, the way he kept repeating the point. THE POINT.

ElsieFire said...

"..something out of a nature documentary."

OMFG. That was just brills.

Kudos, dude. Word of advice though, don't come to Canada and expect food on planes AT ALL. Unless you pack your own.

Pookie said...

"A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING" !!!

omglmaoomgwtfbbq!

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

Competely and utterly hilarious.

captivagrl said...

I love the CSI cookie!

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

The way he keeps repeating the name Richard is killing me. I can just picture someone saying that out loud. I would be rolling in the aisles if I saw someone talk to someone like that in person.

bramblewitch said...

Hilarious. Love it!

Mrs.M5 said...

that is the best thing i have ever read! the guy obviously had a great sense of humor =)

Mooshki said...

HAHAHAHA!

"I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point."

Better Off Dead shout-out!!!

amster said...

This was my laugh of the day.

Mexi said...

Bloody Incredible Richard, incredible!

AnonMom said...

That was the BEST laugh I've had in a long time. LOL ... "a crime against bloody cooking!" .... lmao!!!!!

Harriet Hellfire said...

Oh, man, that was awesome! I have had some pretty gruesome airplane food in my day (Balkan Airlines, anyone?), but could never collect my thoughts enough to send a letter. I hope this guy gets at least a free trip somewhere.

Carrie said...

Bahahaha. That was an awesome letter. Kudos to the guy who wrote it. I cracked up reading it.

This guy could be my new favorite thing ever, next to Stains the dog (you Dlisters know what I mean)

Me.. said...

That was bloody BRILLIANT!!!

not on my dollar said...

The food, not so good, the letter, very funny.

Thanks for sharing it.

whole_lotto _luv said...

I love that this guy took photos of everything. I wonder what the people in the seats around him were thinking? For some reason, I can picture this guy, growing ever more exasperated, mumbling under his breath, getting out the camera yet again. "Look at this Richard. Just look at it." I can barely breathe from laughing.

Sylvia said...

funny hehehe

Katy said...
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Katy said...
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AnnMarie said...

What a great, funny way to get his complaint noticed! I hope he gets a free trip, too.

stiffkittens said...

Am i the only one that thinks this was/could be Enty's complaint letter? lol...

Lisa said...

Effin hilarious! He should get his own byline on this blog. Poor Stains, I saw that episode of It's Me or the Dog when it originally aired and I 'bout fell on the floor laughing while at the same time felt incredibly sorry for the dog. Just give Stains a muffin already! He's just a poor counter surfer.

Sonia said...

"Look at this Richard. Just look at it"

I think about peed my pants when I read the first line and saw the picture....lol lol lol....

jagerlilly said...

Absolutely the best letter - EVER! I hope he got a free flight as well.

lutefisk said...

Obviously he has never tried the prepackaged kosher meals.

Atticus said...

It look good to me better than dry organicrap food me gets in bowl.

Cathy S. said...

The only thing that makes this even funnier is imagining it being read in John Cleese's voice.

selenakyle said...

Fuck me, this is hilarious and all, but we got killer pit bulls on the fricking loose and child molesters getting sprung from prison early and kids missing everywhere and human trafficking and old people freezing to death cuz they can't pay their electric bill...

And this rich guy is all bent outta shape about shitty airplane food and movies.

Like I said--it's funny, but get a fricking life, dude, and SUCK IT UP!

a said...

this was so funny i felt nauseous. ignore the commenter before me, no one should have to deal with food that disgusting! complain complain complain!!

Girly said...

LOL!

hilarious!

(i imagined it with Ricky Gervais' voice ...teee heee)

DNfromMN said...

Very amusing.

The only thing that would make it better is if he took those pictures with his phone. :)

ElsieFire said...

Selenakyle, is your real name Bijou Phillips? :>

Cooper's Mom said...

ElsieFire... LOL! This was fucking hysterical. Only a English person would spend the time to write something like this (i'm not taking the piss, btw, i'm English myself) it's pure genius! Would LOVE to know what dear Richard did to compensate him???

bionic bunny! said...

selenakyle, said rich dude paid big bucks for that seat, and deserves a meal befitting what he paid. it wasn't a charity flight for god's sake.

lutefisk-- on our cruise, i was very surprised to notice that you could request vegetarian meals, but kosher meals were not available. do not the jews cruise?
i found that unforgivable. another reason not to sail carnival again.

bionic bunny! said...

p.s.
i've had better looking food on delta, united, and even pre-purchased on southwest.

Harriet Hellfire said...

I once got a kosher meal on a flight by mistake. It was eaten with little fanfare.

Ms. said...

@ ElsieFire - good one.

@ selenakyle - like you've never complained about things that weren't life threatening? I doubt it. BTW, stop picking on pit bulls. It's not the breed of dog that's bad, it's the owners.

I loved the letter. Fantastic way to get one's point across and be taken seriously. It had the added bonus of taking his mind off of his rumbling stomach during the flight.

I had a horrible experience trying to get from NYC to Toronto. Took almost 24 hours (a bus would have taken 12 hours with a stopover). It involved several diverted flights and becoming stranded in Phillie as well. Finally I made my way to customer service and said this is the first time I've ever travelled on (now-defunct) US Air. Detailed my misadventure with each diverted flightand concluded with a smile and by saying "I want you to be nice to me." They liked the way I complained and rewarded me a round-trip ticket anywhere in North America.

jax said...

OMG! i want to marry this guy Richard, marry him!

I dont why, but i heard that whole letter in my head as read by Hyacinth Bucket from Keepin up Appearances! lol.

ps-Always fly British Airways, they make the first class food on board!
the economy food is pretty damn good too. i had 3 cheese ravioli and choclate cake for dessert last time.

X said...

I'm crying. I am literally crying. That was just way too good.

Little Blue Pill said...

selenakyle said: Fuck me, this is hilarious and all, but we got killer pit bulls on the fricking loose and child molesters getting sprung from prison early and kids missing everywhere and human trafficking and old people freezing to death cuz they can't pay their electric bill...

Then what are you doing on a gossip blog? Get out there and help people for gawds sake. Btw don't worry about us, we can get along fine without you while you're out saving humanity. See ya!

lutefisk said...

bunny--Jews cruise. You need to pre-order the kosher meals in advance.

cricket said...

That was great. I hope he gets a free flight somewhere. And eats a hearty meal before he boards the plane. I don't think even my dog would eat that slop and she eats cat shit out of the litter pan if I don't grab her fast enough.

ureallyannoyme said...

eh, though I do appreciate he has a life or personality where bad airplane food rates this level of outrage and effort.

I'd bet he's the type of person who just BEGS to be gaslighted, you know, cause it takes so little to get him cranked-up. The kind where you want to go into his office and turn his calendar just a tiny bit askew. Or take one of his perfectly sharpened pencils and scribble until the tip is barely rounded. Or you pick-up his printouts and then watch his confusion and irritation and he goes back and forth from his office. I love those people.

bionic bunny! said...

that's what i'm saying, lutefisk. that WAS the pre-order information. wish i still had the brochure.
i imagine it was due to the kitchen. i think there was only one. i'm fuzzy on kosher rules, but on a ship that size, it probably wasn't possible.
odd, isn't it?

lutefisk said...

bunny--the kosher meals are not prepared on ship. They come premade & sealed,like a TV dinner, so the ship usually would not have them on hand. They would have to be ordered & brought on the ship. Like on airlines--they are only there when requested. People who observe dieatary laws are up on how to get the food. The ships don't have kosher jitchens to cook the meals from scratch.

JA Huber said...

Thank you so much for posting this, I needed a bit of humor in my life today.

CalamityJane said...

For some reason, when I read this letter, Stewie's voice from Family Guy popped in my head. Fucking brilliant.

Flora said...

Oh, this is priceless! Good thing I was at home when I read it, I am dying over here. Someone give that guy a medal - and some REAL FOOD!

PollyPureBred said...

This is terrific...thank GOD that there is not scratch & sniff technology for cell pone pics! Yuck! Curry, mustard, quivering spires of...?

lena said...

magic !

nursekelly said...

OMG! I laughed so hard I cried...what a great way to start the day. The way he kept saying Richard, it reminded me of the nuns I had in school...with the ever present rulers..........

canadachick said...

hi-freaking-larious......and yes i was hearing Ricky Gervais' voice in my head also.....damn i love him

Terri said...

looks like he is getting what he deserves...a job at Virgin:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,484150,00.html

Idiot Watcher said...

brills. and even more brills if he accepts branson's offer and is subjected to even snarkier letters for his choice of food and bevvies.

Grace said...

selenakyle is our new Debbie Downer.

Leah said...

This was ABSOLUTELY the best EVER! As an American (sorry), I don't even know what the heck he (or she) is talking about -- Baaji Mustard Custard??? Despite my ignorance, I was laughing so hard I cried. It's like a hilarious children's picture book. LOVE IT! And I can't WAIT to document my next complaint. The bar has definitely been set!

nesta's_bitch said...

thank you for sharing. it was just an absolutely brilliant letter!!!!

Frauke said...

I laughed tears!