Thursday, January 24, 2008

Birthday Wishes To Mischa Barton


Dear Mischa,

It has been a pretty eventful year for you. You and your longterm boyfriend and major pot connection broke up. You were spotted smoking pot by the paps a couple of times. Your sister went to rehab a couple of times, and then to round out the year you got arrested for a crazy amount of things. In between you managed to star in a couple movies no one will ever see, and realized you are going to have to strip and do sex scenes to get work. That is a pretty full year. Not a great year, but definitely full. In fact it really even wasn't close to great. It kind of seems like everyone from the OC is doing better than you. I know you thought you were the main reason everyone watched, and that you couldn't wait to leave, but I bet you miss the nice fat weekly paycheck more than you think huh. Network television pays a hell of a lot more than showing your boobs in some indie flick. Rachel Bilson got GQ, and you got Maxim. Next year she will be on the cover of Vanity Fair and you will be on the 976 Directory.

I saw that you turned 22 today. Honestly I had to check the numbers in four different places because I honestly thought you were nearing 30. Yes, you really do look that old, and you have lived a very hard 22 years. At this rate you should look like Dina Lohan in the next two years.

I feel that over the past month we have grown especially close. You might not feel that way, but I do. The Maxim with you on the cover has been staring at me, mocking me would be a better word for the better part of a month. I'm tired of looking at you quite honestly. Then the news that hit me this week made me almost want to start crying. See, you don't know it yet, but sometime in the next month or two I just found out that I will be forced to be with you for a few days. What that means is that I will probably end up getting to know you and be unable to rip into you for awhile. That really makes me sad.

You were going to be my go to girl for the whole year. With everyone tired of Britney and Paris, and Lindsay managing to keep out of the pokey for now, you were my girl. You were the one I was going to turn into my foil, and now it just might not be possible. Guess it will have to be another year of me vs Denise Richards. Eventually though Denise is going to hunt me down and kill me though. I really didn't have that to fear from you because you told the cops you don't normally drive while in the US, and it is pretty tough to stalk someone and hunt them down if you are taking a taxi. I know. I've tried.

Have a great birthday, and watch out for those funny brownies.

EL

15 comments:

captivagrl said...

i wanted the pic with those hottie mom jeans.

jax said...

same. a foot and a half of rise and a 12 inch zipper..hawt.

violet said...

Enty, I love you. You so funny!!

Mooshki said...

Watch "Lost and Delirious" and maybe you'll be able to tolerate her. She was very sweet in that movie.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Looks like you are stuck bagging on Denise Richards, ENT

Mooshki said...

At least he'll have plenty of material if Denise's reality show makes it on the air. It strikes me that it's going to end up a lot like Heather Mills's pr campaign - instead of liking her more, people are going to find new reasons to hate her.

surfer said...

So, the $64,000 question is this: what exactly is it that will require you to "be forced" to spend time with MB? Charity event? Legal representation of someone/company?

That sure was a tease.

Les Suckno For President said...

She should get the chair.

ladyerroneous said...

Oh, come now. I KNOW Mischa can't act OR dress herself, but at least she's not trying to whore out her two young daughters on some shitty new reality show. Denise is so much worse than Mischa!

At any rate, no one -- and I mean NOBODY -- will ever top the egregiousness of Paris Hilton. I don't like Mischa Barton one bit, but she doesn't come CLOSE to being as evil as PH. At least she doesn't leave her fucking pets to perish in closets while she frolics in clubs and fucks people.

Please don't ever, ever, ever stop talking shit about Paris. Don't show pictures of her, though. Just tell us which new STDs she has, and perhaps that will give some of us hope that maybe her death is imminent.

Tracee said...

Ent your a big ole tease...just like that Mischa!

And Ent you got be careful with your stalker language...you might get slapped with a restraining order if any of Mischa's handlers get wind of this. They'll figure out it's you with all the clues about your apperance.

Harriet Hellfire said...

I thought she was a lot older too...I'd like to see a birth certificate, please!

Judi said...

I hear you, Harriet. Only 22? Doll is so beat!
Guess we'll have to watch to see what she does to know about this upcoming thing with Enty. Does she have a court hearing scheduled? Is Enty's firm repping her?

Alpine Summer said...

Nope. She's 22. I remember her little, so I can vouch for her. How she got so beat in that time, I don't know.

Shara said...

Congrats ENT!!! A few days in heaven with...Mischa! Maybe you will find she is really nice and misunderstood?

I'm just dying to know why you are spending time with her- my guess is professional reasons. AHem...I mean legal ones.

Well now I look forward to the story of the 'real' Mischa. :)

Amber said...

Please! No more Denise Richards!! Maybe you could lay into Eva Longoria a bit more.. actually yeah, that sounds like a great idea.