Friday, August 01, 2008

Ted C Blind Item

Toothy Tile, doll-hon, you’ve met your homo match. ‘Cause there’s a new rising, closeted star in town (actually, he’s been rising for, like, ages now, but, whatev) who’s putting your clandestine, closeted—not to mention kinky!—ways to shame. Maybe you know him? Name’s Crotch Uh-Lastic. Ring a bell, babe? Thought so.

Now, keep in mind, Toothy and Crotch have never made a flick together, though they do both go in for the same roles rather often. Similar brooding thing going on. You know, that tough yet tangible, touchable, almost boyish loveliness, a little crusty on the sides, too. Know the type? Oh who cares about actor oeuvre, let’s get to the dirty part and oozing sex outta control, my little horn-hons!

So Crotch, like a lot of his hetero counterparts in this Biz, is all wrapped up in fantasy. Whereas Toothy likes it dangerous and out in the open—Hollywood parking lots, anybody?—Crotch prefers his assignations played out as if they were the plots of one of his artier flicks (he's had plenty). This is how the boy likes it: He chooses a stud, latest one being a straight—wink, wink, right—trainer who’s busy trying to get a modeling/acting/smoldering-look career going and asks him to come over to the Hollywood pad. Mr. U.-L. has an East Coast home, too, but the pool in his Hollywood hang is so much fun for game playing. The man-meat Crotch has selected is told, beforehand, to await his limo ride to the Hell-Ay house and, once he arrives, to head straight to the pool area, adorned with chaise lounges. On these tastefully tufted settees, like little lost Saks Fifth Avenue summer catalog lovelies, lay various box-cut (never Speedo, how Matthew McConaughey!) swim trunks.

Silently, oh so discreetly, the stud-for-hire is then told to take off all his clothes and put on any of the suits he likes, at which point Crotch struts out and the inevitable seduction, complete with end-of-the-show water works, begin. And Crotch can only get the ol’ equipment up and hosing, I’m told, if said scenario is pursued.

How damn exhausting. Whatever happened to a little sweat, not too much intrigue and even fewer props? Is that so old-fashioned? For Crotch, the answer would be yes.

47 comments:

melcon80 said...

Ryan Gosling?

pimosanews said...

Josh Harnett?

Dan said...

RG is who I thought of too, but according to wikipedia, Gosling divides his time between Toronto and Los Angeles, California - no mention of any east coast city so I don't think it is him

crichmond1000 said...

Mmmhuh?

DNfromMN said...

Aint's:
Tobey Maguire
Topher Grace
Matthew McConaughey


Hmm... Hayden Christensen was my first guess.

jlb said...

lol He should have had Jake as one of the 'ain'ts'.

My first thought was Topher - thanks dn for posting those.

equinox said...

Wow I could actually read this one! Amazing.

Nina said...

crusty means dirty..... right?

Ryan doesn't strike me as hygienically challenged. Ryan lives in LA, but NY too?

Josh Hartnett is bicostal, but I can't recall any artsy movies.....

What about Hayden Christensen or Orlando Bloom?

Mooshki said...

"Whatever happened to a little sweat, not too much intrigue and even fewer props? Is that so old-fashioned?"

Is the end of the world coming? Ted C. just said something I both understand and agree with!

too said...

Emile Hirsch. Starred in Speedracer...is an up-and-coming star....has done quite a few arty flicks.

I could imagine him going up for the same roles as Toothy (Jake) as they have a similar look.

Michelle said...

James Franco

captivagrl said...

joaquin pheonix

Hollie said...
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Hollie said...

I think Ryan splits his time between NYC and LA. He probably only lived in Toronto when he was with Rachel Mc. It seems like there were lots of pictures of him in NYC over the past few months. I thought of him immediately, but James Franco could fit also.

There are also pictures from a few days ago of Ryan leaving a gym all buff.

Marnie said...

I never, EVER want to hear a blind item about James Franco being gay. No.

firestorm888 said...

gonna go with James Franco

juicy said...

I like the Emile Hirsch guess. I can totally see it... But he doesn't look asif he hits the gym very often.

ali said...

What about Joseph Gordon-Levitt? He's said to be in the next Spiderman, if Tobey doesn't want to continue the role. He was in Angels in the Outfield with McConaughey and guested in That '70s Show with Topher.

Sara said...

I think Emile Hirsch is a good guess. Don't know if he fits all the clues, though (and too lazy to look.)

sillyme said...

Marnie,
I feel the same way about Ryan Gosling--don't ever want him to be the answer to a gay blind!!! Never!

Big Sur Expedition 2008! said...

JGL didn't do art films and my 'dar never went off when I met him in 2001. Very sweet, but I don't *think* he's gay.

I am going with my love, Emile. I, too, first thought of Topher, but Emile is just as narcissistic if not more so.

Gayla said...

To whomever asked, I took "crusty" to mean "scruffy" for some reason. Like, boyish (i.e. pretty) looks, but with the ever-so-perfectly unshaven yet somehow still well maintained beard/sideburns/possible mustache to add the semblance of testosterone to his look.

And I have no idea who this is. Everyone's gay as far as I'm concerned. Now let's get back to the crazy lady with labeled litter boxes for her cats!

too said...

I still stand by Emile Hirsch, but Joseph Gordon Levitt is a great guess.

He's up-and-coming, has been called that for years, done lots of arty films and the links to the 'and it aints' that ali listed are pretty spot on.

Hollie said...

I say it has to be between Emile Hirsch, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, James Franco & Ryan Gosling. All are good guesses.

Kristine said...

I'm going with Gosling.

april said...

I agree with Michelle: James Franco.

palealebrew10 said...

I'm 98% sure that it's not James Franco. I know that much-he's a good friend of a friend(yeah I know..) but he had/has a girlfriend, last I knew of ~5 months ago. He's a really down-to-earth nice guy, too :)

MrsRhododendronson said...

Yeah, but Jakey-poo has a "girlfriend" too....

MrsRhododendronson said...
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not a famous adrian said...

anyone but James Franco. And he is not rising. He did Freaks & Geeks some time ago.

ea73 said...
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ea73 said...
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MontanaMarriott said...

Jared Leto?

ea73 said...

Ted C. refers to this person as a mega star on the first page of today's column. So I'd eliminate anyone who isn't really a huge star yet...that said, I don't know! I guess I'm leaning toward Josh Hartnett or James Franco.

DNfromMN said...

I think you guys have nailed it. Remember, Ted likes to put these things out there shortly before someone's movie is released. And the Ain'ts usually are clues.

Tobey Maguire = Spiderman.
Topher Grace = Fox sitcom
Matthew McConaughey = Scruffy but hot

James Franco - spiderman's best friend, was on Freaks and Geeks, relatively buff, scruffy, and hot. Pineapple Express comes out next week.

palealebrew - Ted's blinds are not facts. They are rumor and innuendo. This may not be true. But Franco's been rumored to be gay for years. And as cute as I find him, he's never pinged my gaydar.

Janet said...

Maybe James McAvoy? Not a huge star for long, but getting more roles. Kind of fits the type of roles.

ea73 said...

But what if...Ted just outed Matthew M. as Toothy Tile (he was very angry about T.T. last week) and today's blind is about Jake G. Too good to be true??
Didn't they both want the role of Lance Armstrong in a biopic and were even "training" together for a while???

ElsieFire said...

Well, to me, and we used this term alot, crusty=irritated, irked, put out, etc.

James Franco in Spiderman? Kinda fits I think. Although I too hate that idea. Sigh.

Baba Charna said...

Look up James Franco on Gawker.com - a couple readers have mentioned being cruised by him in NYC.

Visman said...

So this guy basically gets some hot str8 guy to come to his house, put on a square cut bathing suit and get pissed on? Because if that's the extent of the inter-action it really could be anybody. I have a lot of str8 friends that are really into this kind of thing.

kitoko said...

ewww!

Lisa said...

Just don't think it's James Franco. I can't see J.F. and Jake going for the same roles - or even being considered for the same roles. I love Ryan Gosling but I would definitely say Ryan Gosling before James. James just don't fit.

redgurl72 said...

I agree with DN, I'm on the James wagon, especially with Pineapple Express being out this week.
He's been a 'rising star' since Freeks and Geeks days and there have been gay rumours. The aint's are telling us it's someone from Spiderman and the icing on the cake is that TT was being talked about as replacement Spiderman for the 2nd movie. My Spidey/smutty senses are tingling.

Melinda said...

First person who popped into my mind was James Franco. That means nothing, because I suck at blinds. Love 'em, though!

Dizzy D said...

Ted C's blind items should remain blind to the public. I have no clue what this guy is saying. It's like he takes words and tries to turn them into puns, but it doesn't work.

He should make his blinds Jumbles or Cryptoquotes. At least that way, you get solid english words in the end. =/

Brandy said...

I heard James Franco was gay a couple yrs ago, but what about Shia Lebuff he has some others movies I see on cable, and I don't know who else it could be maybe Orlando Bloom?

Miss X said...

First guy to pop into my mind was Leo, but he's been a big star for a while.

Can't see this as Franco...though Joseph Gordon Levitt may fit - he did some artsy films (one where he had sex w/ another man)

And I thought water works referred to tears. I'm so innocent! ;)