Friday, October 09, 2009

Katie Holmes' Publicist Ghostwrites For OK!


Excuse me for a second. I realize now that I'm typing and so you have no idea that I can't stop coughing from laughing so hard. I could write this blog for the next 20 years and I don't think that I will ever find an article so clearly written or dictated by a publicist than this one from OK! Magazine. Actually it could have been written by a Tom Cruise publicist so I guess I shouldn't put the blame entirely on Katie's people or person.

The headline says, "Katie Tells Tom To Slim Down With Sex"

My first reaction when I read it was to ask who is Kate telling Tom to have sex with. Seriously because I have never imagined them having sex and I would actually be shocked if you told me they did.

With a headline like that how could I resist the article where I found out that “Katie is in incredible shape,” says a source. “She is constantly watching what she eats and she works out every day. But Tom had been complaining about how hard it is at 47 to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out.”

Honestly, that part is believable and if they had kept it there I would have called bullshit that they talked to anyone who knew, but at least it was believable crap.

“Katie loves to cook – and she especially enjoys baking sweet treats,” reveals the insider. “And Tom’s favorite things are her homemade chocolate chip cookies, fudge brownies, and her famous chocolate covered popcorn. Those are the things Tom can’t resist, so he’s pleaded with Katie not to make them until he has time to lose a little weight. Katie wants to help him out, so she agreed."

See, this shows Katie as the perfect little homemaker who cooks for her man and bakes and is willing to help him out when he needs it. Who knew that Katie was famous for her chocolate covered popcorn. I bet it's amazing.

“She also has him eating fewer carbs and more lean protein. So instead of filling his plate with lots of pasta and red meat, she’s ordered him to load up on autumn vegetables like squash and sweet potatoes, as well as chicken and fish.”

How remarkable that autumn has been with us for just two weeks and already Katie has him loading up on autumn vegetables. That is a timely coincidence. What if they had spoken to this source three weeks ago? Would they have said that Katie was ordering Tom to enjoy the last remnants of summer's goodness? No, of course not because Tom just started this diet now because he overloaded on her brownies at Labor Day.

Here is the part to make you hurl and laugh at the same time. It is a complicated procedure so if you don't think you can comfortably manage the feat, then please do not read any further.

“Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week,” the source reveals. “So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule!

“Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town… just for the sake of his diet!” dishes the insider.

So not only does Katie cook and take care of her man she is the one who initiates sex and wants it all the time. And to think people will actually pay to read this. Well, not many people because lets face it, OK! is really in the tank and it is probably because of absolute crap like this. I would rather read true stories about D listers than to have to see made up crap like this.

33 comments:

Pookie said...

teehee! i wonder how much of a bonus the pr peep is getting at the end of the year?

*slight curiousity about autumn vegetables*

jax said...

"sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town… just for the sake of his diet"

yes, because god knows he wound't touch her otherwise.
just for the sake of his diet!

GladysKravitz said...

I'd rather eat autumn vegetables, including bitter greens, kale and chard (all of which I hate) than be in the same room with Tom Cruise.

Nosey Parker said...

I think they got Jada Pinkett-Smith to write this for them.

Cheryl said...

Mmmmm, nothing says sexy like squash.

GladysKravitz said...

But this article did inspire me to find this recipe!

From ehow:

CHOCOLATE COVERED POPCORN
TWO VERSIONS, baked and unbaked

Things You'll Need:
Popped popcorn
Butter
Chocolate chips
Corn syrup
Cocoa powder
Milk
Roasting pan
Bowl
Plastic bags
Baked Version
Step
1
Spray a large roasting pan with non-stick spray. Pour 12 cups of popped popcorn into the pan. Air-popped popcorn is the best to use because there is no residue from oil. Preheat your oven to 300 degrees.

Step
2
Combine 1/4 cup butter, 2 cups chocolate chips and 1 cup corn syrup in a medium-sized, heavy pan. Heat over medium heat, stirring constantly until the mixture boils.

Step
3
Pour the chocolate mixture over popcorn. Stir and toss to thoroughly cover the popcorn. Bake in the oven for 45 minutes, stirring often. Allow the popcorn to cool completely, break into pieces and store in plastic bags or other airtight containers.

No-Bake Version
Step
1
Spray a large bowl with non-stick cooking spray. Pour 12 cups of popped popcorn into the bowl. If you don't have a bowl large enough to hold 12 cups, you can split the recipe or use multiple bowls for preparation.

Step
2
Melt 1/4 cup butter over medium heat. Mix in 1/4 cup corn syrup, 2 tbsp. cocoa powder and 3 tbsp. milk. Add a dash of salt. Stir constantly until the mixture boils.

Step
3
Pour the chocolate mixture over popcorn and toss well to coat all of the pieces. Cool for 5 minutes, then spread out the popcorn on cookie sheets sprayed with non-stick cooking spray. Leave the popcorn until it is completely cooled, then package it in air-tight containers.

pomme said...

ZZZZzzzzzzz! OK!+ TC story =boring gossip

Ms Cool said...

Gladys -you beat me to the punch. I couldn't get past chocolate covered popcorn. Yum.

JJ said...

Thanks for that recipe Gladys. Yum!

sunnyside1213 said...

Yes, hurling and laughing hysterically is only for the multitaskers.

If I were Katie, I would fire the publicist - who wants everyone laughing about your sex life, or lack thereof.

Christine said...

Does anyone actually think they are a real couple? I mean, really? He's never looked less into women than since he's been with "Kate." Poor Suri. Freaks for folks.

Goodgrief said...

It is cold and rainy where I am. Nothing like curling with some chocolate covered popcorn(thanks Gladys) and some good fiction to read(the tom and katie article)I am all set.

Tom may be having a lot of sex, doubt it is with Katie.
I think they have someone on staff whose only job is to take care of Tom and Katies needs.

Courtney said...

There is no PR suckjob term I hate more than "bedroom romps." Even more than "over the moon."

Lioness70 said...

I just went on a diet today, so I can eat the popcorn and the squash. There is nothing better than butternut squash soup.

Hey, at least I took something from reading this crap!

mngddess said...

Enty - I don't want to hear another BORING word about Tommy-boy and Katie until something really juicy comes up. Like - she OUTS him. Or reveals that the baby isn't his. Otherwise, what a SNOREFEST. Ooh, look! They're JOGGING!!!!!!

Who gives a shit.

(Man, I am PMSing out the wa-zoo!)

lilbitsolo said...

Blech. (the sex, not the popcorn)

RocketQueen said...

@ Courtney - ugh - it's "canoodling" I hate!

shakey said...

This is just a snow job before he reveals his surgically-enhanced Brazilian six pack.

Alice D Millionaire said...

This article sounds like a spoof it is so ridiculous. Someone so needs to do a youtube skit of a Katie Holmes interview. It could be set up as though the interviewer is doing a magazine piece and we are just flies on the wall.

What annoys me is that there actually ARE people who will read this and say awww...they have such a cute relationship. UGH!

Alice D Millionaire said...

and honestly..."she’s ordered him to load up on autumn vegetables like squash and sweet potatoes, as well as chicken and fish." I don't think she orders Tom to do anything...that would require independent thought.

Sylvia said...

LOL@brazilian six pack.

People they just wanted to make us laugh at their little joke LOL.

West End Girl said...

Haha what a pile of crap, get real.

AnnMarie said...

@Gladys...Thank you! MMmmmm....

AnnMarie said...

@Gladys...Thank you! MMmmmm....

Nikki said...

ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZ...

does anyone in the world actually believe they are a couple?

he is gay, gay, gay and from an aunt who used to work at sony and knew a lot of juicy gossip about some celebs - "he's not only gay, he is into some totally freaky stuff"

amanda rae said...

Nikki-

More info, please!

ardleigh said...

It could be worse. Katie could have ordered him to have sex with the summer squash.

ardleigh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gay tallywacker said...

Laughed so hard that coffee came out of my nose.

ea73 said...

Sorry, I wasn't able to read the article because my eyes were stuck on TC's moobs.
Seriously, can't Xenu get a brother a man-bra??

Domonique said...

These comments are hilarious!

"it's "canoodling" I hate!"

You took the words outta my mouth...That and "preggo/preggers"...ummm YUCK!

This story is so filled with lies, I don't know where to begin

Katie DOES NOT eat, cook or sleep with Tom

And perhaps it were true, what married folks have to "up their sessions" as these freaks put it? This blurb implies that they don't screw everyday or barely. Normal couples have sex and don't have to add it as part of their diet regime. And my favorite is "if they're in the same city", how much more proof do we need that this is a sham?

Poor little Suri...

Enty, I love your take on bullshit PR stories, you kill!

Domonique said...

LOL @ Tom's "mitties"

If she wants to help him, she should loan him one of her bras for jogging

The Sh*t Magnet said...

Wow, I just laughed my ass off at the autumn vegetable paragraph. This article was ridiculous.