Thursday, May 02, 2013

Lindsay Lohan In California - Not Rehab - Do Not Pass Go Or A Sugar Daddy - First Excerpt Of Her Blog

Today is May 2nd. The next time we should see Lindsay Lohan will be August. By August, you will be getting tired of summer and ready to have your kids go back to school. If you are a college student, you will be ready to say goodbye to your parents so you can get your party on properly and if you are me, you will be wondering once again, why I don't have some kind of air conditioning device that could attach to my body to keep me from developing such large pit stains under my arms. Today Lindsay is supposed to go to rehab. Well, supposed to anyway. They don't allow smoking at the original place she was scheduled to go and she can't go 90 days without smoking. What she should do is pack 600 pieces of Nicorette in one of those suitcases. 90 days and 270 looks she says. You know, because you need to change clothes three times a day everyday and never wear the same thing twice. The fact she didn't pay for any of it kind of sucks. Don't ask me how, but I got a copy of Lindsay's blog in advance. Here is what she is wrote yesterday BEFORE she decided to bail on Seafield.

"I'm headed to Seafield tomorrow. Is it on a sea or a field? Is it on both? How can it be on both? Wouldn't a field on the sea sink into the sea? Is it at the bottom of the sea? Do I need to take a submarine to get there? How long does it take? What happens if there is a leak? Do people come visit the same way? I wonder if I will have any visitors besides my mother? I know she will be coming because she doesn't know where I hid the cash I made last week. I'm still sore. I don't know why she won't just go out and earn her own. I'm sure there must be someone who wants her. Maybe. It has been a long time. My dad called eight times today. Wants to know how I'm feeling so he can sell a quote to somewhere. Want to know how I'm feeling? Call my new phone line and for just $4.99 a minute I will tell you."

Her new blog entry AFTER she decided not to go to Seafield.

"I don't do well in seas or fields. Have you seen how pale my skin is? Yeah, outside in bright sunshine is not my thing. What is my thing is smoking. I have smoked more than Denis Leary I think. I also love flying in private jets and I got to fly in one to California. Sure, I had to make a few promises of what I would do in return, but don't forget Ali is able and willing to assist. Call my new phone line to find out how. Do you think people will take my photo in court tomorrow? What should I wear? I only have 270 different outfits to choose from. Do you think I should go steal something? Do I have the time? It has to be long sleeve. Definitely long sleeve. Rope burns. Shhh, don't tell anyone."


70 comments:

LottaColada said...

Damn, where's @LohansLiver when ya need him?

VIPblonde said...

She's showing off her haul from her last round of ass to ass

Pip said...

She didn't go to the rehab yet? Is the smoking thing a joke? What the fuck is wrong with California?!

ethorne said...

She put that slag to work answering phones.

LottaColada said...

@Pug- EVERYTHING!

ethorne said...

OK I just zoomed in on the pic & I'm pretty sure she's possessed. Those are demon eyes!

auntliddy said...

She wont get clean or learn anything until shes either in jail or dead. Shes soooo mixed up. Shes choosing cigs over jail. Who does that? Oh, and the nicorette gum wlda been tossed too by staff.

LottaColada said...

@ethorne- it's just the empty reflection of her soul you're seeing.

Meanie Rhysie said...

Did she really write that?! LMAO

Calling Lohan's Liver...yooohoooo!!

ethorne said...

Gingers don't have souls.

Meanie Rhysie said...

@ethorne LOL ;)

LottaColada said...

NOOO you didn't girlfriend!

Rafi said...

That really made me lol.

CDANighters I'm taking my GMAT exam today, wish me luckkkkkk. I really need to get into a good grad school.

Pip said...

Ugh, Lotta! She can only bring a weeks worth of clothes (I resorted to googling), she didn't need to steal all of that shit. Rehab is to treat addiction. Among other things, she is addicted to nicotine. What a joke.

surfer said...

You guys (and you know who I mean, lol) are on a roll.

Meanie Rhysie said...

@Rafi...good luck!!!

Pip said...

@Reese,she didn't write that. She did take that picture with the caption "90 days, 270 looks". I doubt the people actually getting clean will care what she is wearing.

Barton Fink said...

Did I misread that or did she just offer her younger sister doing unprotected anal to pay for her private jet trips?

ethorne said...

;)

All about Eve said...

Good luck @Rafi

I just enlarged that picture and her eyes are freaking me out, she does look like a demon lol

LottaColada said...

@Pug, this bitch thinks rehab is code for Abu Dhabi.

Cathy said...

Good luck, @Rafi! After I finish up the masters i'm working on now, I'm planning to get my mba too!

Anonymous said...

She needs a rehab that allows video taping ass to ass in their free time.

ethorne said...

And group therapy is code for group sex.

Unknown said...

"Do I need to take a submarine to get there?"
LMFAO!!! You are HILARIOUS, Enty!!!

Karen said...

Good luck, Rafi!

discoflux said...

Good luck, Rafi!!

270 outfits that she paid zero dollars for. Good job, trick! I look forward to not seeing your face for 90 days!

We watched Mean Girls last night. Mr. Disco had never seen it. That was such a great movie, but she was definitely the weakest acting link. It did make me sad that she's become such a trainwreck. I really hope that this stint does her some good. She's never even done a full 30 days in a facility before, has she?

discoflux said...

Barton - I'm pretty sure that was a parody blog entry.

Amy in MI said...

At least she has math skillz

audrey said...

And here comes the excuses as to why she can't find a decent rehab in 10...9...

Unknown said...

good luck @Rafi

Anonymous said...

Good Luck Rafi!!! Thank heavens today is the first day of... well us being rid of her ass for 90 days!! Hallefuckinlulah!!!!! Woohoo!!! time to celebrate! This is a special day ladies and gentlemen. It sure will be interesting to see what she looks like when she comes out. I expect the same crack shenanigans, but I'm interested to see if she looks any healthier.

Robert said...

It would make my day if the judge throws her skanky a$$ into the slammer for not having reported to a pre-approved facility. Won't happen, though. It's a California judge, after all. LiLo's going to skate again.

Meli said...

Good luck!!!

whocaresnow12 said...

I think she realized that if she was sentenced to jail for 90 days she would be released within 5 hours, so she decided to violate the rehab sentence and take door #2.

Lelaina Pierce said...

270 "looks."

Sigh. Glad to see her priorities are in the right place, as per usual.

timebob said...

I can't believe people are falling for the I won't go to NY Rehab because I can't smoke. This trick is just using that as a smokescreen because it is a convenient legal excuse since smoking is lega.

The real issue is she wants to keep taking adderal and Seafield won't let her or want her to take a non-speed version of it.

If the judge doesn't hall her ass back into court and violate her probation. Like he said he would if she did anything not in line with the court. Then we should all go out and steal and pillage, since laws and rules are clearly a joke.

Also, for Lindsay to treat this as an extended vacation with outfit changes. Also snubs her nose in the face of the court. Rehab isn't supposed to be fun and easy. It is supposed to be hard and you are supposed to learn and grow from it.

UGH!

Marion Silver said...

They may have repilacted the concept, but they can't duplicate the funny.
_______________________________________


No booze and no speed is going to be great. Fresh water will be such a delight. The closest I get to that is the occasional vodka-less cranberry juice when a UTI is rolling around down there. No matter how high you are or what he's paying, ladies, PLEASE, don't let your trick go back and forth from stink to pink.

I heard through the grapevine that Lohans Pooper is looking forward to being an exit again, even if it is only for 90 days. Poor little girl needs a break.

ethorne said...

Where ya been Liver? Don't be a stranger!

LottaColada said...

Yay, that batcall worked!!

timebob said...

I have a feeling the judge is going to let her stay in CA. So she can pop pills and pretend she is at a resort. Regular people never get these kinds of passes.

The prosecutor should be screaming high holly hell and he isn't eiher.

katydid said...

I thought the liver had all but died. Hang in there buddy, you've earned this vacation, enjoy it!

Me said...

i thought you were issued clothes for rehab. like a pair of sweats and an oversized t-shirt. the thinkng being; you are working on the inside, the outside is not importan right now.

PugsterMom said...

Good luck to you!!!!!

Sherry R. said...

This photo is the definition of squalor.

Mari said...

Lots of luck! Keep calm & you'll be just fine. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Ms Cool said...

Sounds like the judge is going to let her skate on this one. Surprise!

Oopsy_Daisy said...

She's pretty self-aware and obviously knows what's written about her and her family. I'm finding these blog posts entertaining. What's her site?

Sherry said...

I thought these were real at first..Off to get more tea.

85134943 said...
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Count Jerkula said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Count Jerkula said...

I'm going to be sad when LiLo eventually goes to rehab.

Call me weird, but there was something very erotic when Amber Smith was on the floor, in a sun dress, jamming her fingers down her throat, on Dr. Death's show. I think LiLo's withdrawals will produce similar greatness. I wish it would be televised also. Or at least orderly cell phone video.

kelgela2 said...

so wait...is she going to court today about the not finding a rehab facility?

I hope the judge can get her some kind of special treatment Jail where she won't be let go after 2 minutes.

Colleen said...

Good luck, Rafi!

And YES, Lohan's Liver & Court Jerkula both deliver some commenting gold. My afternoon is getting off to a great start.

Barton Fink said...

omg, i read this post this morning at 6 am before coffee and was all kinds of confused -- how embarrassing

Susan said...

This is the greatest thread of comments on Lilo ever.

Good luck, Rafi!

That photo is MINDBOGGLING. Is that for real? Where did it come from? Who lives like that?

Susan said...

Barton - Don't feel bad. I got halfway through the first paragraph and said to self, "Wait. Is this fake?" Hee.

Is she really going to do a blog? I hate this trick.

Amy Poehler was my fave in Mean Girls. I'm a Clueless girl, myself. Didn't think Mean Girls lived up to the hype.

Colleen said...

This:

http://www.tmz.com/2013/05/02/lindsay-lohan-morningside-recovery-license-suspension-revoked

__-__=__ said...

Does that pic remind anyone else of pcs of Marilyn Monroe's home when she died? I could NOT live like that. I'm sure LL is buzzed up on Adderal chain smoking right now. Someone at the facility is ordering cases of Gray Goose.

Hazeldazel said...

Yeah, there was NO WAY she was going to that place on the east coast once she found out she couldn't have her Adderall. NO effing WAY.

But, the DA has already found Morningside has had its license revoked as a residential program, doesn't search the people doing the program for drugs and alcohol, and doesn't really have any security (i.e. they live in sober houses and are bused to the program facility for counseling when they aren't going to Disneyland or some such). So he's saying a big F.U. to them.

Oh gawd, DH and I were laughing SO HARD this morning as we were watching the stream of the court proceedings. LiLo's lawyer is so My Cousin Vinny just with extra skeeze! "I'm sure if the prosecutor takes 5 minutes to look at this letter, he's gonna be MORE than satisfied at this facility." LOL! Even did the duck lips! HAHahahahahahaaaa!

feraltart said...

Good luck Rafi.

Lilo is a cockroach who will keep living. My brother is an alcoholic & my dad & I thought he would be dead at 30, then 40. He is 42. Some people's constitutions are a marvellous thing.

Hazeldazel said...

And The Cracken has already left the facility. That was quick.

Hazeldazel said...

Cracken currently hopping a plane to NY. Oh never change, Cracken, never change. You crack me up!

Colleen said...

Hazel, one may even say she's Crack-en you up...

Colleen said...

Hazel, one may even say she's Crack-en you up...

Gayeld said...

Over at Tony Ortega's blog they're starting to wonder if Morningside isn't a Narconon (Scientology) front. Sure reads like one. We're residential, but without the license, or the residence, but totally residential. And we have a 60%, uh 70%, 80! 80% success rate.

Uh huh. 80% of the people who have survived our process and didn't become one of our councilors or join our church have never returned to ... this facility.

Hazeldazel said...

wouldn't that be shitballs weird? Lilo joins C0$ and gets cleaned up but cultified? I can't even imagine a world with a normal Lilo (well, I guess she'd have to jump on a couch now and again so she wouldn't be NORMAL normal).

Jason Blue Eyes said...

So is she or is she actually in some sort of treatment facility this afternoon? Or is she 3/4 of the way to Canada?

Margaux said...

Ohhh ok I must have a chip on my shoulder today because celebrities skating justice or being rewarded and celebrated even when they're up on pedo charges is really getting under my skin. Normally I just roll my eyes, shake my head and move the fuck on but today this is all really pissing me off. I knew she would blow off rehab, and I knew there would be little to no consequences for her doing so I don't know why I'm so cranky about it, but I just am. I want her to go away.

lazyday603 said...

DListed had this to say about Lohan skipping her rehab check-in & flying home to New York:

"LiLo should make her way to New York, car jack a blue Thunderbird convertible, pick up Amanda Bynes and head for Mexico like a cracked out version of Thelma & Louise."

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