"But His Teeth Were Really Shiny"

So a couple of my friends were at the Maritime Hotel in New York over the weekend and were accosted by a couple of frat boys who got out of the fraternity about ten years ago, but hadn't quite left the frat behind if you know what I mean. Anyway, they went up to these two women and were making some moves that basically were the equivalent of "hey baby, you want to touch these muscles?"

Well it turns out that instead of being the main course they were just the appetizer because just as the women were reaching for their pepper spray, the guys pulled out their hole card. No, it isn't a euphemism for their peen. They instead said that Andy Baldwin the winner of the last Bachelor or the one before it or who the hell knows was in the back and the women should come say hi. Well, one of the two women is a sucker for reality television so just had to say hi. The other one just decided to judge. She's good like that. Makes you feel inadequate actually, but when directed at someone else it's gold.

You could almost see the guys rubbing their hands together as the women went to the area where Andy was holding court. Well the reality television fan said hi, and the two got to talking. Our judge while fighting off the glare from Andy's teeth did manage to catch this lovely nugget come out of Andy's mouth.

"There were a lot of really deep conversations the viewers didn't get to see."

Yeah, I can imagine they went something like this.

Andy - If I keep you around for another week, you have to have sex with me.

Woman - OK, but this time could you take your socks off.

Ahh, the life of the Bachelor. Andy kept puffing out his chest and beating it, but alas it just wasn't going to happen so he sent forth new minions to reel in someone who would truly appreciate a guy who has served his country and "dated" Marla Maples.

Asked about her impressions of Andy, my very judgmental friend said, "He's incredibly cheesy and a big player, but his teeth were really shiny."

Well I know marriages that have been based on less. I mean he'll probably be great for you during a blackout, or at night if you need to see to go to the bathroom at a strange house or hotel. It will be like having your very own lighthouse. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

He Can't Even Keep A Fake Relationship Together

The thing about fake relationships is they are supposed to be able to go on for an almost indefinite period because, well they are fake. There are no stresses about how you look or if the other person has a job or if they bathe frequently. It is just about being friends and as long as that continues then the fake relationship should also continue.

So, quite honestly it came as a bit of a shock when that dude who used to be on The Bachelor split up with Marla Maples. I thought that one had the potential to go on for years. I don't actually watch The Bachelor mind you. He might not have been on it at all. Someone could have just said he was on The Bachelor and I would say OK. Apparently the woman he chose on the show practically laughed at him and the ridiculousness of their relationship and so "the engagement" didn't last very long.

So when Andy Baldwin (I know, I know, it is why I called him dude. Too many Baldwins) suddenly showed up on the beach in Hawaii posing and air kissing Marla Maples I laughed and laughed and posted their photos and laughed some more. I mean come on. I thought it was good for Marla because she has been out of the public eye, but the only people who believed it were probably the people who paid them to pose on the beach like that.

Never saw them together again except for one more high publicity event. Then whoosh. Gone. When Andy who is now living in Washington DC was asked about Marla the other night he said, "The big move coupled with the long distance relationship wasn't working for us so I decided we were better off as friends."

So, just in case you were curious he is saying that he dumped Marla. Please. Isn't this guy gay? Is someone actually believing what he is saying?

You know what Marla said about Andy at the height of their two week relationship? "He's a good soul." Yeah that screams hot monkey love.

Details Magazine Implies The Bachelor May Be Gay

I'm not a big fan of The Bachelor. I don't think I've ever watched more than five minutes, but it would definitely be an interesting twist if The Bachelor were gay. I do know there were tons of rumors about Alex Michel being gay after he was rejected from Survivor for being too effeminate. The new bachelor, Andy Baldwin has said that he found an amazing woman on the show and that he's totally in love. They all say that though. Only three couples actually are still together from the Bachelor/Bachelorette series so you never know.


1) HIGHLIGHTED HAIR: A little trim is never enough.
2) BOYISH FACE: The camera hates a beard.
3) LONG-STEMMED ROSE: Sometimes, getting pricked is a pleasure.
4) DARK SUIT: The second he steps out of the closet, it's all business.
5) MANICURED HANDS: To hide any nail-biting over whom he prefers.
6) RING: By slipping this on, you agree to work through the hard times to come.
7) BUFFED SHOES: He learned the spit shine in the Navy.