Dear Richard

Dear Richard,

I may have been to quick to swear off your airline for good. On Tuesday I found myself flying from Charlotte to Los Angeles on US Airways. I had just started enjoying my complimentary snack pack filled with six bagel looking chips and two pretzels when a man in the back row of the plane suddenly got up. Nothing unusual about this except for the man was wearing no clothes.

Now, this was entertainment. You should take note that a live production on a plane is much more exciting than the drivel you call in flight programming. The man proceeded to walk up and down the aisle displaying his, well, you get the idea. While this was happening, a medical emergency was happening in a different part of the plane. This was exciting. At first I thought they were having one of those mystery games and all the passengers were involved. You do know how I love theatre in the round Richard.

So, with the medical emergency in one part of the plane and our free love passenger bounding back and forth, there was just one flight attendant to deal with our naked passenger/actor. She tried to cover him with a blanket but he would have none of it. Much the same way as I run from your food he ran away from the blanket and the flight attendant didn't seem keen on making a second go.

Then, like a flash two undercover air marshals were on him. I must say Richard that I almost let out a rather undignified yelp. This was good. How come you can't arrange for this kind of show on your planes? It isn't like you are focusing on any other aspect of customer service. After the men wrapped him with a blanket and secured him to a seat, the medical emergency was dealt with and a diversion was necessary.

The flight diverted to Albuquerque which is a lovely city Richard. You really should visit. I hear they have a wonderful hot air balloon festival and we know how much hot air you posses. A perfect match for you I dare say.

Alas, our time was short in the city and soon we were on our way to Los Angeles. I will be there for several days before flying back to London. I see that you have non-stops from Los Angeles to London. I'm not sure my stomach or my mind can handle it, but perhaps I will give you another chance.

Snakes On A Plane

I think a few months ago I wrote about a guy who either got on a plane or tried to get on a plane with snakes and a bunch of other animals that he was trying to smuggle. Well, two days ago in Australia, a plane was loaded with 12 baby pythons in the cargo hold. Sometime during the flight, four of the pythons manged to escape from their packaging. When the plane landed, Qantas staff searched for hours all through the plane but couldn't find them anywhere. So, they fumigated the plane, and yesterday it went back into service.

OK, lets stop there. They looked for a few hours and gave up? Seriously, do they not watch horror movies? The snakes are only about 6 inches long, and so it isn't like they are going to actually eat someone on the plane, or bite them and kill them directly. However, if you saw a damn python dropping from your oxygen mask while you were in the middle of the flight, or reached into your seat back pocket to get the crappy airplane magazine out and you saw a python in there, you may very well have a heart attack and die.

Qantas says they fumigated the plane. Uh huh. Have you seen all of the places in an airplane and in the wires and everywhere else that a six inch python can hide? Come on. Those four snakes are still there and when they get a little larger and pets start disappearing from the cargo hold or the food on the airline actually starts getting eaten, you will know why.

Dear Richard,

I felt compelled to write to tell you, that while your food and amenities are still beneath the standard of a third world country, I must applaud you for your attempt at live theatre. I would never of thought of performing a stage version of Snakes On A Plane.

Don't Sit Next To Elvis Crespo On A Plane

Never heard of Elvis Crespo? Latin Grammy Award winner. He sings merengue. No, not the pie, the music. Merengue. He is a very big star in the Latin singing world. His biggest hit is Suavemente. No, not Rico Suave. This is totally different. Anyway, about two weeks ago, the 37 year old married his manager. I'm guessing things are not going well for Elvis at home with his new bride. Basically she is his boss at home and at work, and so he probably wasn't feeling very masculine. So, he did what any guy would do in his situation. He took an airplane ride and decided to go ahead and just whip out his frank and beans right there in the airplane. Not only did he whip them out, but apparently he was, umm, really working them. Yeah, just like you are imagining.

In his defense, it is a long flight from Houston to Miami. It must be, what two hours? That is a very long time to go without showing the world your baby maker or making yourself happy.

The woman sitting next to him said he barely waited 15 minutes before grabbing a blanket and then doing what he needed to do. She reported him to the flight attendant who reported him to the captain who reported him to the Miami police who reported him to the FBI who finally got around to interviewing the guy when the plane landed. He wasn't arrested. I'm guessing he is probably well endowed and they bought his explanation that it needed to breathe.

As for what the singer had to say in his defense, he replied, "I don't recall doing that." Uh huh. I think that most people would be able to answer that question with a yes or no. I'm just saying if you pull out your winky at 35,000 feet, chances are that is going to stick in your mind.