I'm A Little Confused

I know I confuse easily. I'm getting old, and so things take awhile for me to process. The thing I was most curious about reading last night and today was what Jeremy Piven had to say about his mercury issues. I wanted to see how he was going to spin it, and if everyone would bite. Well, with the tabloids you know they will bite. Do you realize that most of the weekly tabloids will not run a story if the publicist denies it for fear of alienating someone later and not getting an exclusive. They could literally see Mary Kate Olsen tasering people on the street screaming, "I love In-N-Out" and if her publicist said no, it didn't happen, they wouldn't run the story because the tabloid might need a favor from the publicist down the road.

Anyway, the tabloids seemed to buy into Piven's story. But I don't. Here is what Piven had to say to People.

"The reality is, I was brought to my knees by this illness. It feels like the heaviest bout of mono you've ever had in your life. It was completely overwhelming to the point where you get vertigo and it's not healthy. This was the dream of my career, to do Broadway. The last thing I wanted to do was leave the show. I'm so proud of the work that was done there."

Umm, yeah. OK, so Jeremy left the show the week before Christmas and the doctors led us to believe they had just diagnosed this thing and that was why Jeremy was so sick. Is everyone on board with that version of the story? That if Jeremy didn't stop ingesting mercury and get some rest he was going to do some serious damage to himself. That is the impression I got in everything I read.

So, then, if that is the case, explain this statement from Jeremy he also said last night. "I haven't had a piece of fish in five months."

Forgive me if I can't add, but that would mean that he would not have had any mercury entering his body from about August at least through fish anyway. I thought his doctor said that Jeremy was eating fish all the time. Up to five times a day. That he went to Thailand to get treatment. It sounds to me like he was getting treatment, or at least was aware of the problem a long time ago. So, I would think in August it would have been much worse then in December and surely his doctors would not have waited four months to suggest Jeremy get treatment if his mercury levels were the highest they had ever seen.

The crap story was working until Jeremy added that part. Then it all just kind of fell away into the bull it really is. So close Jeremy. Can't wait to see what story you come up with for the next time.

Is This True?

This can't be true can it? Miley Cyrus was on Tyra and said that when she was 11 she had a job cleaning homes. Where the hell was she living? Central America? "I had one normal job and I actually liked it. I worked at this place called Sparkles Cleaning Service and I cleaned houses, I was like 11. I can clean toilet bowls."

So, what? Her parents were already sending her out in the world to make them a few extra bucks? Daddy needed a longer mullet and couldn't afford the extensions so he sent out his kid to clean houses? WTF? Or, are you telling me that this cleaning agency is hiring 11 year old kids? You can't get a work permit to clean houses when you are 11. This has to be some kind of joke. I didn't see Tyra and so don't know if she said this in jest or what. It is tough to tell sometimes with just words.

I wouldn't put it past Billy Ray to make her work when she was 11 for the abovementioned reasons but would you send your 11 year old kid out to the homes of strangers to clean their homes? Was she part of a crew? Was the owner of the company a friend of the family? I think it is all crap but if someone saw the show, let me know.

That's A Shocker

Mariah Carey told Now Magazine that she has only ever read one book. What is the book you ask? If you guessed the Bible, then you win the I will believe anything ever written award. I have no trouble believing that Mariah Carey doesn't read. I do have a hard time wading through the crap that we are supposed to buy that the only time she has ever read a book is when she reads the Bible. Yes, I said reads. Apparently Mariah always makes time for the Bible in her life.

I'm sure churches around the globe are now panting at the thought of Mariah coming to their church to spread the Gospel according to Mimi. No doubt she will wear something suitable for the occasion.

I don't understand why she just couldn't say that she doesn't read anything and had to go ahead and make herself appear to look like this God fearing woman. Just tell the truth. I also noticed that the interviewer didn't ask a great followup question which would be something like which passage do you enjoy the most, or what book in the Bible did you especially enjoy or come back to. The reason the interviewer probably didn't ask the followup question is that he was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe and probably had to stop the interview right there.

Shania Twain Makes Me Ill

Most of the time when a woman gets cheated on by a guy the whole world immediately feels for the woman and the guy is the scum of the earth. Shania Twain must be wondering what in her publicity hatched scheme is going wrong with her version of the wife betrayed. No one seems to care, and everyone seems to think that if is true, that Mutt should have probably done it years ago.

So, with the world not joining her misery and certainly seeing no spike in album sales, Shania speaks. Surprisingly she didn't speak to Kneepads, although they did quote everything she said on her website like it was engraved on stone tablets. As far as I know, Kneepads is the only magazine that printed it.

The long and short of it is that Shania knows that you know that she has been going through a rough time and that she would not be able to get through it without the e-mails and letters and words of encouragement from all her fans. I would guess that she hasn't read a damn thing from anyone except her manager, agent and publicist. It is such a crock.

She says that she is only going to speak in the future through her music which she wants to share with all of us. You can translate that to mean she wants you to pony up $20 to hear her warble about her pain and agony. Lucky for us. If you want to see the full extent of her words, and see the magic of airbrushing on her site, then click here.

Will Smith Morphs Into Tom Cruise

If the headline said that Will Smith had saved the lives of people in a car accident, I wouldn't have been surprised. As it is though, since Will is probably new to the whole Scientology thing and if he has joined the church is presumably at a lower level than Tom, you kind of have to start out smaller. In Will's case there was no car accident or pulling people from a burning vehicle before it exploded.

Nope, Will instead gets the whole saving the life of a dog thing. According to reports, Will Smith was out jogging when he heard three young boys screaming for help. Unbuttoning his shirt and furling his cape, Will searched for the boys until he found them. What he found was a cocker spaniel trapped in the weeds after jumping into a canal to chase a stick one of the boys had thrown. The actor using all of his super powers waded into the canal and pulled the dog free.

After the boys stopped crying and thanking Will, he had this lesson to offer. "Next time you play fetch, play it on the grass."

I'll be back in a second. I have to go throw up now.

This Is Getting To Be Such Crap

This month Elisabeth Hasselback is on the cover of Fitness magazine in a bikini. She did this despite having a baby just six months ago. This was her second child. When you look at the photo there does not appear to be any difference between her and an 18 year old girl with no kids. This is incredibly misleading to the public. Oh, I have no doubts that Elisabeth looks something close to this. She does after all sell herself for a living basically and so needs to look good. Further she makes well over a million bucks a year and has access to trainers 24/7. For this shoot she worked out at least twice a day every day for six weeks.

What? You can't find the time in your schedule to work out twice a day for several hours each time. Well why don't you hire some people to look after your kids, feed your significant other and run all your errands while you just work out and get ready for your cover shoot. Oh, and according to Elisabeth she didn't diet at all, so you don't need to worry about that at all.

In the article, the editors and Elisabeth make it seem like it is all manageable for everyone to do and that you to will have the perfect body after just six weeks of hard work. That is all crap of course and it can rarely be done. They want you to believe it can be done so that way you will but the magazine and buy the products that are advertised in the magazine. If they have to stretch the truth to get it done so be it. In fact, it really might even be lying if you take into account the fact they airbrushed and photoshopped the hell out of this photo. No imperfections anywhere on her body? Wow, how did she manage to do that? Does she have a product to sell for that?

You would think Elisabeth would be the type of person who would be sensitive to this and try and be more real, but the closest she comes in the article is this quote. "I finally told myself ... 'I've got some curves, I've got a bubble butt, but I don't mind, because it's what powers me forward when I run.'

Oh, gee, that's great. I guess she preferred the flat ass she had before and that everyone who has a bubble butt or any curves should be ashamed unless of course you are a runner and then it is fine. Elisabeth and every person they throw up on Shape or Fitness always makes it seem as if you can be just like them if you would only do what the article says and if you buy the products in the magazine. What they are selling is false and misleading and just wrong. It is designed to make you feel inadequate and miserable and that is what work is for. It shouldn't also have to bombard you from the checkout stands.

Johnny Depp Has An 8 Foot Wingspan

I know that you love Johnny Depp and you know that I know you love Johnny Depp, and it is by far the only reason I am posting this. According to News Of The World, Johnny Depp singlehandedly saved the live of six extras on the set of his new film.

A stunt driver lost control of a 1933 Ford after hitting a patch of ice while filming Michael Mann's Public Enemies. Depp jumped into the vehicle's path when he spotted it skidding towards the extras, who were standing with their backs turned.

A witness told the News of the World: "Johnny slammed into the group with arms outspread, shoving them all back."

At that point, the witness (publicist) had nothing more to say. However, if the witness had gone on, or been "interviewed" by People Magazine, I think this is how it would have gone.

There are not many men on earth, let alone a 44 year old actor who could physically do that. I'm guessing that as he approached the group of six, his wingspan increased from its usual six feet to about 8 or 9. In the background, theme music from the Six Million Dollar Man began playing. Amazingly everything turned to slow motion, and Johnny flew through the air, placing his arms around the entire group, while at the same time, lighting a cigarette and bursting into a song from Sweeney Todd.

Immediately after he saved the group of six, Johnny's co-stars Christian Bale and Billy Crudup broke down in tears and claimed they were not men enough to do what Johnny had done.

Johnny checked on the group and then called his long time love Vanessa Paradis because he calls her every hour on the hour and because of the adventure had missed their call by 30 seconds. He also checked on their child, and told Vanessa that he would be late getting home because he was going to give blood and then go stand on a street corner until he sold 100 of her albums.

This Is Why I Stick To Pictures

Stuck in a checkout line over the weekend I sat there staring at the unnaturally thin face of Jennifer Lopez on the cover of Kneepads magazine. I had only previously seen the cover shot, and really was hesitant about opening the magazine to see at home photos of Marc Anthony. I expected to see him in some kind of Bing Crosby/Desi Arnaz mish mash, but hopefully without the beatings or the bad accent. Instead as I quickly glanced to make sure no one was actually looking at me, I read a few pages of the article and started laughing. Good old Kneepads.

It seems that Jennifer Lopez has taken a page from the Scientology notebook. Do an athletic event and everyone will think you are cool. I think that actual credit for this premise needs to go to Oprah Winfrey who participated in the Chicago marathon. Since then, stars with image problems or who want to make average mothers look even more shitty have started participating in these events to show that training for a marathon is not hard when you have someone to do the cooking, cleaning, caring of your children, and having sex with your husband for you.

Marathons are becoming blase, so Kneepads invented a new one for Jennifer Lopez. She is going to be running a triathlon in September or October. She doesn't know exactly when yet, or where, but she is going to do it. Why is she going to do it? To make her babies proud of her of course. That's right. Babies who will just about be sleeping throughout the night then will be lined up at the start finish line giving their mom a pep talk as she gets ready to jump in a lake and swim for a mile. If she doesn't succeed, their 6 months old psyches will crumble up and a trip to rehab is all but assured. I think the fact that they will actually get to see their mom for a minute or two that day will be something that would probably stick in their mind more than laughing their asses off at the thought of their diva mom actually jumping into water that didn't come out of a bottle.

If you can imagine in your mind Jennifer Lopez attempting this feat, then you need to go hang out with SpongeBob because I can't. I think it is a great story and Kneepads really did a good job of coming up with this one out of their ass, but I just don't think she will do it. Who will remember? And if pressed, she will just say she will do it soon but she had other commitments that kept her away.