Monday, March 24, 2008

This Is Why I Stick To Pictures


Stuck in a checkout line over the weekend I sat there staring at the unnaturally thin face of Jennifer Lopez on the cover of Kneepads magazine. I had only previously seen the cover shot, and really was hesitant about opening the magazine to see at home photos of Marc Anthony. I expected to see him in some kind of Bing Crosby/Desi Arnaz mish mash, but hopefully without the beatings or the bad accent. Instead as I quickly glanced to make sure no one was actually looking at me, I read a few pages of the article and started laughing. Good old Kneepads.

It seems that Jennifer Lopez has taken a page from the Scientology notebook. Do an athletic event and everyone will think you are cool. I think that actual credit for this premise needs to go to Oprah Winfrey who participated in the Chicago marathon. Since then, stars with image problems or who want to make average mothers look even more shitty have started participating in these events to show that training for a marathon is not hard when you have someone to do the cooking, cleaning, caring of your children, and having sex with your husband for you.

Marathons are becoming blase, so Kneepads invented a new one for Jennifer Lopez. She is going to be running a triathlon in September or October. She doesn't know exactly when yet, or where, but she is going to do it. Why is she going to do it? To make her babies proud of her of course. That's right. Babies who will just about be sleeping throughout the night then will be lined up at the start finish line giving their mom a pep talk as she gets ready to jump in a lake and swim for a mile. If she doesn't succeed, their 6 months old psyches will crumble up and a trip to rehab is all but assured. I think the fact that they will actually get to see their mom for a minute or two that day will be something that would probably stick in their mind more than laughing their asses off at the thought of their diva mom actually jumping into water that didn't come out of a bottle.

If you can imagine in your mind Jennifer Lopez attempting this feat, then you need to go hang out with SpongeBob because I can't. I think it is a great story and Kneepads really did a good job of coming up with this one out of their ass, but I just don't think she will do it. Who will remember? And if pressed, she will just say she will do it soon but she had other commitments that kept her away.

24 comments:

kris_r said...

"...diva mom actually jumping into water that didn't come out of a bottle."

LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog...

SisterMaryHotPantz said...

I didnt read the article but I saw the pics....HOMY! chandeliers in a baby room? WTF is that all about??

Sweater said...

Ahahahaha a triathlon?
Holy shit I hope it's on tv. One of my closest friends just did that and there is absolutely NO WAY I have faith that J-lo can pull it off. None. Zero. Zip.
Unless she can detach her ass and have it take a number as well, then try to combine scores.
That is the hardest event to do in track and field (and swimming, since that is involved as well)

Also, that picture. Maybe I've been watching too much Buffy over the weekend, but it looks like Marc Anthony sucks a little bit of her soul each night to stay alive.

mmmmmm,speaking of Buffy....Spike. Come to me Spike.

Alpine Summer said...

Or, she can fake it like Mrs. Scientology.

Jac said...

Oh that picture is so bad its good...:D

Bxrlvr said...

Why do I keep thinking that JLo thinks that the triathlon will be a good way to show off her post-baby body in a wetsuit???

Kristen S. said...

Ppsssst Ent...it was the Marine Corps Marathon for Oprah! Give DC some props, mang!

Kristen S. said...

P.S. If you think Katie ran the NYC Marathon, I got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell, complete with Katie footprints!

Elle said...

kristen s. is right on. Oprah didn't run the Chicago marathon, she ran the Marine Corp marathon. Still, a helluva lot more than I could muster, but the Marine Corp is supposed to be one of the "easier" marathons...

I think Katie/NYC is a big scam too! No way Katie could run that with no running bra and then wear heels later that night.

No. Freaking. Way.

jax said...

i'd pay TOP dollar to see that ass in a wetsuit. fuck it- i'd pay top dollar to see that ass AND weave come out of that water.

Jac said...

wonder who she'll hire as a body double for it?
Or will she have a major crisis the day before and be heartbroken she can't take part?

RagDoll said...

jac---bingo. I vote for "heartbreaking crisis" like MAC discontinuing her shade of Lipglass or something equally tragic.

shiny_special_one said...

Holy cow. I just can't get over that picture.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

He has got to be on some kind of drugs. Eyes just don't look like that.

Brenda22 said...

Oh my gosh, Marc Anthony looks horrid. He seriously looks like a corpse. Imagine waking up to that every moring.

notvotingforsuckno said...

That whole article was such crap. She said she chose not to breast feed because she did research and found that it was not the best thing for the babies. Oh...since when? Just be honest and say it was not the best thing for your breasts. She also has TWO baby nurses on hand, but they don't do anything because she and her husband, "the Burp Whisperer" are so hands-on that her baby nurse have nthing to do. The interview was sickening and I usually am not bothered by Kneepads.

takeme2espana said...

You know, he looks that way from all the "hands on baby care"....snort! Who the hell needs 2 full-time nannies if they're both pitching in "around the clock" themselves? Gimme a freaking break! I'd like to see her give that tri a shot alright...and LOTS of paps there to get her from EVERY angle ;p

april said...

Great photo and great piece, Ent. I can't wait to see her finish the triathlon! I wonder if she'll bring her nipple pincher for when she gets out of the water.

someone said...

Breast feeding is bad when your implants are silicone, I think, because silicone actually migrates out of the implant.

lainiekazan said...

She's lazy; no way she'd even cross the street without help, much less do a triathlon. I actually think she's bored at no longer being the center of attention (remember when she kept getting married?)

selenakyle said...

OK. Skeletor has got to get rid of the Tyrone Biggums look.

Looks like he scratches his neck all day long, would pay Joe Rogan to sleep in a bed of worms, and shows up for the free crack giveaway!

White lips 'n all.

abigail7881 said...

I think in some of the pics Marc looks like a flaming homosexual, such as when both are the living room and giving the feeding the babies (probably the only time they'll do it), and the one where they are outside with the $3000 prams (how uppity). What's with the pink sweater??

cinnarose said...

Oooh! Perhaps she is coming to Madison, WI to do the Iron Man in September! Our lakes are Grade A disgusting with all the weeds, so that would be fun to watch. Can everyone say Swamp Thing?

Jessy Jane said...

No one would keep on baby weight if we all could afford a crew of personal trainers and chefs and life coaches while the kids are being taken care of by a group of nannies. which i hope she has alot of cause mark looks like he's wasting away due to some kind of caner.

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