Fifty Shades Of Grey To Be Ruined For All Time

If you are one of the millions of fans of Fifty Shades Of Grey and don't want your series to be ruined by some crass movie adaptation that ruins all your built in fantasies, then you might want to look away. Seriously. You won't get the names I am about to say out of your head and then everytime you read the books and see these people pop in your head you will blame me. I don't want that misery on my shoulders. It is bad enough you see Michael Lohan in mesh and Verne Troyer's tongue in your mind while you are trying to fall asleep or have sex with your partner. I can't put this burden on your shoulders too. Have you looked away?

Kristen Stewart thinks she and Robert Pattinson would be perfect to star in the movie version of the books. I know, I know. You are crying now. You didn't look away and read it and the only thing you could imagine that was worse is the casting of Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. Well, let me tell you about the stage version.

Just A 20% Discount?

Apparel manufacturer, Ecko has decided that if you get the logo of their company tattooed on your body they will give you a lifetime 20% discount when you buy their products. Huh? This is the worst idea ever. Not a bad idea for free publicity, but if you get one of these tattoos you are an idiot. Most of their stuff costs like $20, so you are going to save, what $4 an item and that is if they stay in business. Yeah, that Enron tattoo sounded like a good idea at the time huh? How is that Friendster leg tattoo working out for you? Thought so.

I think my going rate to be a human billboard would be $100K for a 2X2 tattoo on my body. I would do that. If Kat von D had done that she would be a billionaire and could stop pretending to like Jesse James. Yeah, Kat, we all know about the other guy. Wait, did I say that? Here I was talking about the worst things you can do to yourself and that comes up. Well, dating Jesse James or Kat von D is on that list so I guess it fits.

Battleship The Movie

Someone somewhere is going to get fired for this idea. I just hope whoever that man or woman is, oh, lets face it. An idea this stupid has got to come from a guy and approved by guys. So, I hope this guy is single, because if he is married and maybe has kids at home and says to his wife why he got fired, she is going to call him an idiot for the rest of his life. And rightfully so I may add.

Did you ever play the game Battleship as a child? Do you play it now on your cell phone? Great, I'm proud of you. Now, imagine you are in a movie theatre and have paid $15 for the IMAX version of the movie and when you look up at the screen you see two people sitting there for 90 minutes calling out, "E-9." "Miss." Yeah, sounds like good times doesn't it? The only time that was ever entertaining to watch was in some James Bond movie where if you missed you got some kind of electrical shock. That was kind of cool.

Apparently they are going to make a movie based on the game. So, yeah, it probably won't be two people playing a best two out of three in front of movie cameras, but I can still tell you this is the dumbest idea in a very long time. Why? Because some idiot decided that they were going to make a movie about a naval battle and told someone else it was going to be based on the game Battleship. So, instead of just having a really expensive movie about a naval battle, they are now going to have a REALLY expensive movie because they are going to have to pay money to Hasbro for permission to use the name. Idiots. Just make a damn movie about two ships fighting. Why does it have to be based on something? Did someone try and sell the idea and it was rejected so they said, "ooh, lets base it on the game." Next thing you know someone shouted genius and opened their wallet and paid twice as much money as necessary just because they probably ate paint chips as a kid and have no original ideas in their brain.

Whitney Port - Film Critic & Idiot

As I have said several times on the site, I have read all the Twilight books. I didn't think they were the greatest things ever, but I did think as the series went on and the author had better editors, the books were decent. I have yet to see the movie due to an ongoing bet which is neither here nor there, but does involve whether or not $240 makes a certain amount of pudding. It is long and complicated unlike Whitney Port.

Whitney decided to go ahead and just drive a stake(nice pun huh) through her career as a reality star by trashing the movie Twilight. I don't care if it is the worst thing she has ever seen, you don't tell an MTV reporter that it was bad or that the acting was bad. Has she seen her own show? Note to Whitney. Besides thinking you are too good for yourself, you might want to take a look at the demographics of your show. The people who watch your show are the ones who love Twilight, whether it be the books or the movies. And, when it comes to them choosing who they would rather watch, I'm pretty sure they are going to stick with Twilight.

You don't tick off the fans who gave you just enough ratings to earn another paycheck for a year. What you do is you tell them how much you love Robert Pattinson and leave it at that. Instead she called the acting horrible, the chemistry between the two stars awful and that doesn't see what all the fuss is about. Hear those crickets? They are the only ones who will be watching your show next season.

Michael Jackson Wants Another Baby

I understand that Michael Jackson has three biological children or as close to biological as he can get. I also understand there is not much I, or anyone can do to keep him from having another biological child. However, when I saw a report over in the Express that he has been in touch with a British adoption agency about adopting a baby, I have to say that I hope someone puts a stop to it. I can't imagine actually voluntarily choosing to give a child to him. All you are doing is saying, "hmmm. I really want this child to be messed up for the rest of his life."

You can't honestly believe that Prince Michael the I and II and Paris are going to be normal adults. They are going to be as messed up as daddy. My guess is he keeps moving from country to country and state to state so no child protective services ever has the chance to get organized and arrange for a visit or ever receives a complaint.

If some adoption agency ever says he is the best choice for a parent, I think their license should be revoked. There is no way they can honestly look at other parents waiting in line and say, "yeah, we think he is going to be a better parent."

Maybe Owen Wilson Was Having A BBQ

I know there are a lot of people out there who just can't let go of the one person that drove them to allegedly attempt suicide. I mean what about the good times? There must have been some before their life came crashing down. Well, if you believe what People Magazine says, then Owen Wilson is one of those people. For some reason which defies any kind of logic other than the fact that Kate Hudson has no career and will do anything for a shot of publicity to sustain whatever inflated paychecks she has been receiving for essentially the same role in a string of box office bombs, Kate and Owen are back together.

Now, I hesitate to use the word couple because all they did was hang out at Owen's house for one day on Sunday and Kate's son was in tow. Hardly the romantic, lets get naked kind of ex sex thing you might expect. Of course if Kate Hudson is your ex and you have seen all the photos of every man she has dated since she dumped you like yesterday's fish in the trash, then ex sex might not be the first thing on your mind.

Maybe they just came over to borrow some sugar and they ended up staying all day and playing Scrabble. It rained most of the day Sunday so the beach probably didn't happen. Maybe Kate came over to read lines or do lines. Who knows. It is all speculation. But let me speculate that if they are getting back together, then it is going to end very badly for Owen. How could it not? Do you honestly see Kate marrying the guy? Hell no. So, she is going to dump him, and he is going to be right back where he was before. Maybe worse. Kick her to the curb Owen. Make her walk home.

Lots Of Screaming At That Party

I'm sure that Christina Aguilera and her husband have thrown lots of parties where the screaming and crying got out of hand. Of course most of those probably involved Christina and her friends and were more of an adult nature.

Over the weekend Christina and Jordan had a birthday party for their son Max who turned one last week. Wow, time really does fly by. Anyway, this is not a dig at Christina or Jordan as parents in any way, shape, or form. It is just an observation. With six ex-wives comes a lot of in-laws and with those in-laws comes children. I have probably been to about 20 birthday parties for one year olds. 95% of the time the parents make a huge elaborate production over the party and do whatever they can to make it memorable for their child. The problem is their kid doesn't even know what the heck is going on and sure won't remember it except from the thousands of photos and hundreds of hours of home movies used to document the event.

Christina and Jordan threw Max a party using the theme Where The Wild Things Are. Great theme. Great idea. If the kid was like 4. Apparently Christina invited a bunch of other parents all with their one and two year old kids including Joel and Nicole and their daughter Harlow. That is all well and good, and if you want to spend the money to make yourself feel like you are good parents, then do so.

The thing that killed me about the party though is that also attending the party were people dressed up as all the characters from the book who went around talking to the kids. Umm, imagine people dressed as scary monsters interacting with a bunch of one and two year old kids. Do you think there was a lot of laughter and high fiving?

No. I think there was a bunch of screaming and crying and kids scared out of their mind and a group of actors sent home really early.

Strangest Gossip Ever

This has got to be some of the strangest gossip of all time. In the new book Marlon And Me, Marlon Brando's former assistant says that Marlon was so desperate for money in the last year of his life that he met with the shopping channel QVC about selling some kind of product on their network. He really didn't care what the product was, he just wanted to sell something and make some money. OK. So far just slightly wacky. It gets better. What he wanted to sell was either earthquake proof houses which no doubt would have been a huge hit on the channel. "Hey, guess what we have on easy pay today."

His other choices were imported silk or a DVD on acting called Lying For A Living. OK, I could see him selling the last two, so that would not be that wacky, until you consider this kicker.

He was not actually going to sell them as Marlon Brando. Nope. When he had a meeting with the QVC people he told them he wanted to go on air disguised in women's clothing with a grey wig. I don't know if the story is real, but it sure as hell makes you smile thinking about it.