Friday, May 02, 2008

Ted C Blind Item

As I’m off to get hitched, thought it would be terribly appropriate to give you a little salacious het-on-het action. I mean, why not, more straights than fruits get married, right? Oh, but could that just be because it’s only legal for you guys? Never mind. This isn’t a political soap bitch; it’s a Blind Vice, and as intent as I was to bring on the hetero horniness, Vadge Fly-Trap interfered. Or at least her gal-hungry paws did.

Vadge, really, is just as ballsy as most of the guys she’s simply clobbered in the Biz. More so, I’d say. She’s sorta like that Spitzer dude in fact—so obviously gunnin’ for the girls, while (stupidly) thinking nobody’ll notice. Hardly!

While Ms. VFT rakes in the major dough for her TV and movie appearances, much of the world may indeed have fallen in love with her, but I’m tellin’ ya, those worshippers certainly don’t include some rich-ass Bev Hills babes.

“She was sitting next to me, and her hand kept brushing up against my leg!” revealed one 30ish, single, Chanel-suited gal (who doesn’t like gals, at least, not in that way), regarding a luncheon party she attended with Ms. Fly-Trap. “She was actually squeezing my thigh at one point,” continued the guy-lovin’ lady, “and I, very directly, just had to ask her to stop it.”

How very polite. What’s the matter with a good ol’ bitch-slap to the overly painted puss, huh? I mean, if a guy had done that to some broad who didn’t want it, it’s safe to assume his pucker would be sucker-punched, essentially.

Oh, completely forgot. People dare not cross Vadge Fly-Trap, that’s why. She is, in T-town, what Tom Cruise used to be: megapowered and poop-proof. But not for very much longer.

34 comments:

Trix said...

Hey EL Michael Musto put up a list of fifteen blind items, you should post them!!

FreeThinker said...

Ted C gives me migraines trying to read his blinds.. :(

KS said...

oprah

Kristen S. said...

And it ain't:

Paris, Scarlett, Martha Stewart

shegundala said...

Who is powerful, makes tons of money for TV & movie appearances, has crushed her male competition, and has an "overly-painted puss?"

Oprah sounds right; the only other I thought of was Scarlett and she's an "aint."

Jodie Foster? (Can't see her doing that.)

Angelina? Not while knocked up.

Must be Oprah.

captivagrl said...

courtney cox

ms_wonderland said...

Yeah, Oprah was my first thought. Someone high-powered, highly paid for both film and TV, had lots of boyfriends, loved all over the world, lots of make-up. Can't be many who fit. Cameron or Reece? The TV bit does not fit.

captivagrl said...

"sorta like that spitzer" , i think she's a married lady and hubby knows what she's up to.

jax said...

julia roberts

captivagrl said...

jax - i thought of her too. the paid tv appearances lost me....

jagerlilly said...

Which recently dead, supposedly straight movie actor did it with that then-handsome Broadway restaurant owner years ago?

What hyper-quirky stage actor (who's also known for movies and TV) does lots of coke and has sex in club bathrooms when the boyfriend's at home?
What gay doesn't?

What fashion-magazine editor—no, not the obvious one—still has no idea how to use the Internet? (She has to have e-mails read aloud to her and then dictates the reply.)

What current anchor is said to have been lesbian lovers with that unhinged late anchor, according to ancient legend?

Which drag queen claims to be rehabilitated, but she ain't in any way, shape, or form, honey?

Which female rocker best known from the '70s and '80s recently got so plowed she blew chunks all over a nightclub? Want to buy the puke on eBay?

Which star who went from Hollywood hotshot to joke to rebounding talent has an impressively large member to go with his award? (Glad it's not four and a half inches—I am the type who suffers from some tiny little prick.)

What longtime r&b singer was spotted in Harlem, where she told a fan who accosted her: "If you ain't the crack man, don't come near me!"? Why did he keep coming near her?

What writer is known to creepily stare a little too fascinatedly at the racks of his stepchildren?

Which gay weekly is planning a cover story on Marc Jacobs's new boyfriend, and it hopefully won't propel him into nightmarehood like the last one?

Which legendary actor's bisexual father is murmured to have died of AIDS, not of "cancer," as the family officially reported?

Which scandal-ridden ex–TV personality would have gotten a gay record deal, but he wouldn't come out of the closet? Shouldn't someone say, "Who do you think you are?"

Which star who denies being gay used to give so-so head and has a penis that's even less than four and a half inches?

What famous grandson is so delightfully kinky he recently lodged M&Ms up his butt, turning his hole into a veritable McFlurry of sexual delight? (Alas, they melted before they could be of any use.)

About which talk-show host's supposed girlfriend was Rosie O'Donnell heard to say: "Look at her nails! She could never be a lesbian with those nails!"?

Sweater said...

So she's untouchable (like Cruise was before everyone figured out he's a glib batshit crazy freak) crushes the competition,likes the women but has had many boyfriends?
Madonna is too obvious I guess, not too mention I think she's come out about being bi in the past.
Oprah fits, but hasn't Stedman been her main guy for like....ever. Plus the rumors about her and Gayle make it a bit less shocking.
Could be a talk show person, could be a recording artist or some other sort of mogul. He wasn't really specific.
Ha I type that as if he's known for being specific;)


Hey if he's off to get hitched then whomever called his blind a while back (about a guy getting hitched while his supposed best friend blew off the wedding for her kid) nailed it, so it seems. Wonder if Melissa Rivers was the one blowing him off after all. Good job.

sheetrock said...

What about Barbara Walters?!

sheetrock said...

Nicole Kidman? Drew Barrymore?

IndigoBiatch said...

I hope the guy he's getting hitched with has had extensive training sessions in "Tedspeak".

IndigoBiatch said...

I think Michael Musto's first blind has to be Heath Ledger. I dunno who the restaurant owner is though.

p m said...

This sounds a lot like Missy Elliot - if people still liked her.

I also thought of Madonna - aka Madge. Maybe he is getting cocky before his big day.

Joy said...

It's totally Oprah... so many hints:

mentions Tom Cruise: he's on for the next two episodes

mentions poop, which Oprah loves to say

mentions Spitzer, who was a huge moralist and super-high and mighty. I like Oprah, but all of her shows now are about her leading the general masses to a better life.

mentions overly-painted... Oprah even states that she wears a crapload of makeup

RagDoll said...

Drew Barrymore, Sheetrock, I'm taking that guess to the bank.

Drew's a producer, her family name gives her roots and clout, she's "so A-list it isn't funny" to quote Ent directly, and she just signed on as a spokesmodel for CoverGirl cosmetics.

The only thing I'm having a hard time with is "TV appearances" I mean, unless we're counting SNL, I can't really tie her into that...

ladyerroneous said...

Dear fucking GOD, Ted Casablancas is UUUUUSEEELESSS!

Grace said...

The hints lead to someone who is powerful in Hollywood -- "rich-ass Bev-Hills babes" -- and Oprah lives and works in Chicago...

From Sept 2007: Jolie, Aniston share title of "most powerful actress"

Sylvia said...

Doesn't Opa have a church now (worshippers)???

Marnie said...

Miley Cyrus.

Ed said...

I thought Jennifer Aniston but shes not thar powerful, Rachel ray maybe

captivagrl said...

JLo? actress/lots of businesses and money(megapowered), and she's used a lot of men.(and she has that new reality show)

Judi said...

Tv and movie appearances... when was the last time Oprah was in a film? Still, it has to be someone huge like her or Madonna; someone with tons of $ and power. The 3 ain'ts are blond so maybe it is Madonna.

HautieTx said...

I am confused by this one... there are only a few women I would think that holds this kind of "power" in LA. Plus isn't this VFT someone Ted had consider his close friend till recently?

Katie said...

oooh yeah hautietx. i remember the blind about how ted would always listen to his good friend talk about herself and her children but then when he called her to tell her he got engaged she didnt even congratulate him. Are you sure it was Vadge Fly Trap? if so, oprah and aniston are out, no kids

Rebecca said...

Wild guess... Katie Couric. She has been rumored to date many men before being married and after marriage.

Urban Myths said...

Nicole Kidman. Chanel reference alludes to her highly paid commercials on TV.

cricket said...

I think it's Nicole Kidman

Divalicious said...

How about Julia Roberts? She definitely comes to mind, when I think T-town power female.

Divalicious said...

How about Julia Roberts? She definitely comes to mind, when I think T-town power female.

TheGoldenSockPuppet said...

Michael Musto's last BI = Star Jones