Friday, October 09, 2009

Your Turn

Today I thought I would go for something fun. What is the best excuse you have ever given or heard for not having sex with someone. It could be as simple as the famous I have a headache or it could be like the one which is my all-time favorite. A woman was relating a story to me where she said that she was once having sex with a guy and after about five minutes she stopped him and said, "This just isn't going to work. I'm bored and about go to sleep." That has to hurt the ego just a touch. They didn't go out again. Shocker, I know. Oh, and I will enable the anonymous comments since it is about sex.

55 comments:

AphraelDanae said...

I suppose the excuse could be that I was tired when I fell asleep giving my now-husband a handjob...

Yes, he still married me.

pomme said...

my best excuse was i'm gay!!!be friend!

sunnyside1213 said...

Right after I married the Alien, he quit having sex with me. Like the day after the wedding. After 30days, I asked what was going on. He said, "We're married and I don't have to perform anymore." I left and went back to my hot ex boyfriend that day.

Unfortunately, I eventually took him back and we even managed a couple of kids. They call him the gay sperm donor. Is it any wonder I married a hot Italian for my next husband?

Syko said...

I regret to confess to the entire world that I never once made up any excuse to not have sex, I was always ready to do it, and did it anyway. Including the night after I fell down two flights of stairs and was in a cast up to my upper thigh.

Dianne P said...

Okay, I didn't use this excuse, but in the course of my work I found out that there is something called a 'pelvic headache.'

I think that would be the perfect excuse--'Not now, darling, I have a pelvic headache.'

.robert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
.robert said...

Five minutes? No wonder she was bored, he made it last 5 times longer than needed.

/rim shot

Anonymous said...

This is a truer than true excuse: "I just don't want to. You've annoyed me all day, and have done nothing to make me desire you."

Sylvia said...

LOL

My good friend for some reason didn't want to have sex with her husband. So she would tell him it was that time of the month. Her husband would check her just to make sure she was not lying. He wouldn't pull it out just to see that she was using one.

Pookie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nikki said...

'sorry but i just took a sleeping pill like 20 minutes ago and im about to pass out' is a personal favorite

as well as...'ill be right back i have to pee' and then disappearing to sleep in my roommates bed and when i see them in the morning...'gosh i must have been drunk last night i woke up in [my roomies] bed!...'

Anonymous said...

I'm 7 months pregnant, and haven't had sex with my husband since the day our son was conceived. I blamed the morning sickness, now the back pain - he's very understanding, but I can't bear to tell him that I just don't have any sort of sex drive at the moment and don't even think I could fake my way through.

Drcocks said...

My first husband was constantly bugging me for sex so one night I told him no and he asked me why. I said I had to do laundry tomorrow and he said, "well, if we are not done by then we will quit anyway."

brum said...

"I've just realised I am a lesbian, sorry."

Oryx said...

lol all these are funny. im gonna use that i gotta pee and just leave one. super good.

my old stand by is, i cant do this to my boyfriend.
whether or not i have a boyfriend. lol

Ol Cranky said...

@ Drcocks please tell me you put out after that line (it sure as hell would have done the trick for me).

Cheryl said...

"You remind me of my sister."

Majik said...

"I'm still grieving for my last relationship"--actually used, and actually true at the time.

But I did say to one gent "Get off me, I can't feel a thing", then bucked him off me so he landed on the floor. Gawd, he was BAAAAD...and I didn't much care for a relationship after that--it was like opening one of those big Christmas boxes only to find a tiny little joke gift...

Anonymous said...

I once had the worst one-night-stand ever!
We were doing the deed and he just wasn't doing it for me.
I told him in the nicest possible way that it just wasn't working for me and his reply was - 'well, can I come on your tits then?'

Needles to say, we never saw each other again.

Princess Shyness said...

I just took an Ambien

Princess Shyness said...

I just took an Ambien

Anonymous said...

"I'm a virgin". (true at the time).

"I don't want to disappoint you." (Lame, but it just made 'em beg more).

While married...

"The kids will hear."
"I'm too tired"
"Okay, but hurry up."

Anonymous said...

Actually, we had been having sex for about 20 minutes, and man, I was through several times. He made me move to a handjob. I'm thinking, if you haven't come yet, a hand job isn't going to work either buddy. So unbeknowingst to me, I started jerking hard and coaching him to come, but really hard. Finally he said, "You're Hurting Me!" I said, "You're not coming, and I'm bored". He got out of bed!

Anonymous said...

"you're too big"

and he was.
be careful what you wish for ladies.

Lisa (original) said...

OMG Majik, that 2nd one was fabulous :-D

Anonymous said...

Okay this one isn't so much an excuse at the time, gave me one for the attempt the next time. In my area there was a well known Radio DJ who was very cute. One night we went out on "date" and ended up at his house (first clue it would be bad, he lived with his parents), Things get going and the not even a minute later, he is done. I was shocked but covered it up well. A few nights later I was relaying the experience to a guy friend of mine, and we came up with the name Quick Draw McGraw for him. Later that evening, Quick Draw came up to me to see if he could hook up and my guy friend turns to him and says sorry Quick Draw she is busy tonight. He didn't get it, but walked away anyway. To this day if I see him I call him that. He has no idea why. It's wrong I know, but come on!

Anonymous said...

I told a guy that I had VD (I didn't and don't). It was very effective.

Anonymous said...

A friend of mine used exactly this excuse. She's British, it might be relatively common get-off line over there.

Anonymous said...

Can you imagine the person that says, "Doesn't bother me"? or worse, "Me too"? Ha.

Bad Fish said...

OK I have two. One I said in seriousness and the other less so.

"If I take you back to my place to fuck you, fuck you, then drive all the way across back town to drop you off and then turn around and go back home, I'll be exhausted and have no time to play video games before bed. and I have to work tomorrow."

Ah, the priorities of a 19 year old.

Also,

"No, 'cause the cat's on his favorite chair across from the bed which means he's gonna stare at us while we do it and I'm not in the mood to feel really weird about it."

Anonymous said...

I told someone I wasn't getting anything out of the experience so was wasting my time and I was leaving. This was said as I got up and started getting dressed.

Another time I just started laughing hysterically. That was pretty effective :)

Jungle007 said...

Bad fish... you killed it... too funny! I'm trying not to laugh out loud so I don't wake the baby sleeping on my chest, but that cat one is hilarious. One of my cats is a total perv. He loves to watch us from across the room... Creeps the hell outta me!!

I havent turned it down in awhile, although when i was preg HE turned it down all the time during the last few months, scared he'd hurt the baby... (PUH-LEASE!)
But in a past relationship i wasn't feeling the sex, and I would find things to keep me occupied so I wouldn't have to even face him (he went to bed at a certain time). I would start baking an elaborate dessert late at night, or i would call a particularily talkative friend and talk on the phone for hours so he couldn't even ask.... obviously that relationship wasn't going so well!!

Anonymous said...

Why is no one saying the obvious?

I just got my period. And it's quite heavy.

Anonymous said...

1) not interested, sorry
2) you're married. and he was. i gotz scruples.
3) hysterical laughing. you know it's bad when a virgin laughs during sex. this caused a stop.

Anonymous said...

"I can tell you watch a lot of porn because you're not very good."

gay tallywacker said...

This isn't really an excuse, but when I was about 7 or 8, I walked in on my parents doing it. It was missionary and my mom was reading a magazine over my dad's shoulder! They are divorced now btw.

RocketQueen said...

@ Badfish - I just guffawed at your second one at my desk. My bf and I have that problem - our one cat stays on the bed even after we've started and it creeps me the fuck out to suddenly spot him swaying with the bed.

Anonymous said...

My story sort of ties in with last weeks question.

I had a co-worker call out sick once and the following day she told me she couldn't make to work because she and her boyfriend decided to try anal sex for the first time. Apparently it didn't go very well and she had problems.

After that incident she always told him she couldn't miss work whenever he wanted to try it again.

MoodyBlueEyes said...

Even though my ex husband was primarily a two-pump chump, there was a a few times when it lasted longer than it should've (I finished, he hadn't). He kept the TV on in the bedroom 24/7, so I'd watch the tube until he realized I had more interest in the show than what he was trying to achieve, and finally rolled off. It worked!

Anonymous said...

"I was at a crawfish boil this afternoon. I don't think you want my hands down there"

Anonymous said...

LOL @ the cat watching. My husband always kicks the dog out of the room, afraid the dog will correct his form while attempting 'doggy style'.

Domonique said...

"Stop. I'm gagging"

"I'm a lesbian"

"Sorry but your breath stinks and that's a turnoff"

Anonymous said...

I once told my bf (at the time) that if we had a quickie before going out to the party we were headed to, it would ruin my hair and make me sweaty. Really I was just bored of the relationship, but he got pissed and didn't want to have sex after that for a while so it worked out

Anonymous said...

I used to have a big ass parrot and whenever my bf and I did it in the livingroom the bird would sit on his perch staring at us while cracking his sunflower seeds open. I guess it was the avian equivalent of watching a dvd and eating popcorn.

Anonymous said...

"Look .. you suck in bed. I know all your moves, you aren't nearly as good as you think you are at oral sex and I just feel like cutting your dick off at the very thought of you fucking me ever again."

Evil bitch, aren't I.

But on the flip side, with the love of my life, I had to keep a clear head when I was around him and not kiss him because I had a tendency to immediately start taking my clothes off at the touch of his lips to mine.

I would try to convince myself something else was more important than getting him and me naked. "Sweetie .. I need to go get my rental car." 'Sweetie .. I have only been in the house a second and a half." This one made me laugh later because he simply grabbed me a second later, kissed me by his kitchen sink and it was all over .. clothes all over the kitchen .. naked us headed to the bedroom. "Sweetie.. I haven't eaten all day and it is 10 PM - we need to go get dinner." That one I regret because I got the stomach flu the next day and the rest of my time with him .. the last time with him .. was a disaster.

And the very last excuse I gave for not having sex .. whilst naked in the shower with him and his gorgeous erect body .. "Baby .. I don't want to be late and I am worried about security at the airport." That I will regret to my dying day. One more moment with him was well worth missing a stupid flight back to my hellish life and then end of us, which happened in fairly short order afterwards.

dbfreak said...

With one guy I stayed with three years too long: "You're too big - it REALLY hurts me!" I've found out since then that if you like the person you're having sex with, it generally doesn't hurt unless there's a medical problem, which there wasn't in my case. He was big, but I've been with men just as big since then, and since I liked these men, it didn't hurt (that's my theory anyway).

With my ex-husband: "I can't. My neck/back/shoulder/arm/leg/pelvis is really f^cked up. I'm in so much pain I can barely move." Even when I didn't realize he was being abusive, I instinctively avoided sex with him, and other than these two guys, I've been the opposite : )

Anonymous said...

I'm on my period.

I'm sleepy/tired.

My vagina is too swollen from last night.

Anonymous said...

I love my hubby dearly -- but he is just too big -- and I will tell him that when I am tired. And it is the truth. I sometimes think about how much easier it was with the "average sizes" But I love him dearly and we do enjoy our weekly sex. Be careful what you wish for.

Anonymous said...

I was married to my husband for 7 years. Why I put up with it I'll never know. He never wanted to have sex, and did his best to always blame me for the lack of his libido. I've never thought of myself as a sex maniac, but apparently wanting intercourse 2 or 3 times a week with my husband made me so.
He declared that I treated him like a sex object and that there was more to a marriage than sex and affection. ( I know that, but sex and affection is the good bit, right?)
His technique for avoiding sex was to pick a fight and then say for weeks afterwards even when we had made up that he couldn't perform sexually because he "felt bad about me". (???)
I eventually left him, and have not missed his teeny tiny penis since. He's not gay though, so I wish I knew what the issue was (his mother was very creepy, would walk around our house nude when she came to stay, wonder if that had something to so with it?)

Anonymous said...

Gaytallywacker

Thats has to be the funniest yet saddest thing i have read so far.

Once during sex i fell asleep when he was taking me from the back. In my defence he used to take a rather long time before he came.

My current and last boyfriend is ALL the man i need and then some. He does eveything just right, including talking dirty

Anonymous said...

Been with my man for 12 years, through the first 4 years, it was nothing BUT sex, 5-6 times a day! We are compatible in every way possible, and we love each other deeply. But then I got pregnant, and though I was insatiably horny, he just didn't want anything to do with me sexually, used that "It'll hurt the baby" excuse... 'til I got an actual prescription from my midwife that intercourse would HELP me, physically and emotionally...

After the baby was born, my libido went PFTTTTTTT! And all of a sudden, he wanted me again... It's been a struggle ever since. I don't know if it's hormonal or emotional, but I just can't get into it as much as I used to, though I'd love for our sex life to get back to where it was...

I believe I've used pretty much every excuse up there, except for the V.D., and "I'm gay!" ones... For, you know, obvious reasons... LOL! But hey, off topic, I'm open to any suggestions to get myself back in the swing of things... 'cause I'm tired of giving excuses. And I sure as heck wouldn't want him to start looking for it elsewhere... :(

Anonymous said...

I was a virgin, by choice, until I was 25. I lost count of how many times I used the "I'm a virgin" line. Tell you what, it weeded out the jerks right away.

My other favorite trick was laughing. I'd think of something and bust out laughing. The guys always thought I was laughing at them. I didn't want to know just how bad in bed they were if they were bad at foreplay.

Kim said...

To Anonymous I'm 7 months pregnant and Anonymous Been with my man for 12 years - It is not a crime to have sex when you don't want to and sometimes it is just the right thing to do for someone you love. Just like I made French Toast for my husband this AM - even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. He had been craving it and we had fresh homemade bread and he only had a few minutes to shower and eat between the gym and another appointment.

If you have sex with your man anyway and do it with a good attitude, chances are you probably will enjoy it and it will make him happy.

If you can't focus on making your partner happy at least some of the time, your relationship is doomed.

Kimberly said...

The most random excuse I've used?

"I'm just getting over knee surgery, so I can't put any pressure on my knees". Definitely a lie.

Another one:

"I'm sore from getting f*cked 3 times/day for the past 3 days. Put it in your pants, cowboy". Definitely true.

caydian said...

"I've got a really bad case of the wet farts right now."