Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A Letter To A Spammer

One day I just finally got tired of the spammers and I want to see what happens if anything if I write back. Well, I used my e-mail, but as you can see below, provided some unusual contact information for myself.

First, the letter to me

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullah Wabaratuh

Mrs Gift Clement
From Solomon Island
Near Australia
Avenue 12
Private Email; gift_clement2000@yahoo.co.jp

Hello my dear ,

Good day and how are you doing with your family? Hope fine. Please let this message do not be a surprise to you because i got your contact information and lay all the trust in you before i decided to disclose this confidential and successful transaction to you. I am Mrs Gift Clement from Solomon Islands near Australia. I am married to Mr.William Clement from Kuwait who worked with Kuwait Embassy in GUINEE for nine years before he died in the year 2001.

We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian.

Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $4.5 Million in a bank recently, my DOCTOR told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church,organization or good person that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a Muslim or church,organization or good person that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of Allah/God is maintained.

l took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians not even good at all because they are the one that killed my husband in other to have all my late husband prperties and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way.

This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace". I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund.

I want you and the Musilem or church or the organization to always pray for me because the ALLAH is my shephard. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.Please never disclose this convenant to anyone ok

When your respond to this mail kindly send to me all this informations below as to proof that you will not betroy me:

A,Your complete names
b.Your house address
ca.Company name if any
d.Private telephone number
e.Private fax number
f.Private email address
g.Your brief profile
h.Your Photograph
I. Your bank account.

and any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church,organization or good person for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein.

NB: Please do keep the confidental of this transaction for my funds security reason otherwise i will look for another perosn right? Once again, remember to always been in your computer because delay is not good for my health i can die any day so you should get back to me as to forward your information to my bank so that they will transfer these funds before i die.

Thanks and Remain blessed in the Lord.

Mrs Gift Clement

My reply

Hello Gift,

Thanks for writing. My family is doing well although I guess life isn't going so well for you right now. Tough break about you and your terminal cancer. Well maybe it will be like Joe vs The Volcano thing. I can't believe you found my contact information and managed to write. How did I get so lucky as to have you contact me and no one else in the world. I guess walking away from the craps table the other night is being rewarded. I'm so lucky you found me, and I promise I won't tell a soul about you and your approaching death.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband died after a brief illness caused by the rest of his family attempting to kill him. It must suck to have to spend 24 hours a day with them now. Do they try and kill you? What's their favorite way to try and kill you? Do they party? They are obviously not Christians/Muslims and don't believe in God/Allah, but I'm glad to see you are so politically correct when it comes to that.

What if I'm Jewish, are you okay with that? You don't have anything against Yarmulkes do you? What about if I'm gay? Can gays get married in the Solomon Islands?

It sucks that your husband died in 2001 and you haven't been able to blow through all that money. Good for me though huh? I sure could use that $4.5M. Because you and I are so close Gift, I don't mind letting you know that I live in a basement and could use some plastic surgery. I know, I know, and I promise I won't go all Ellen Barkin on you and just waste it trying to regain what I used to be which really wasn't all that much to begin with.

I also have some debts. Well, lets be honest, some big debts. I lost a great deal of money betting on the first season of Project Runway and tried to get it all back that year on Survivor. Damn Jeff Probst. I know he rigs that game.

Anyway, after I catch up with alimony and child support payments, I should have some of the $4.5M left and will throw up a little plaque next to the place they keep your cremated ashes.

You don't really talk about it, but since you don't have any friends or family, why don't you come stay with me. It's just a basement but sometimes there's air conditioning, and with your dough if you want we could go get a hotel room or something until you die. I promise to get you the best urn money can buy when you do die.

Below is my contact information and hope to hear from you soon. (Hopefully Ted won't be too pissed)

Ted Casablanca
5750 Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA 90036
E! Online
323-692-4880
tedc@eonline.com

I am a multimedia talent, I dish up a heap of Hollywood hijinks on E! News every Thursday and again on the show's weekend edition. And come awards season, I can often be found reporting live from the red carpets of the Golden Globes, Oscars and Emmys.

Prior to joining E! Online, I spent nine years at Premiere, the monthly film magazine, where I conceived the Awful Truth. At Premiere, my celebrity coverage included features and stories on Jim Carrey, Val Kilmer, Robin Williams, Sophia Loren, Madonna and Elizabeth Taylor. Before that, I worked for Rolling Stone and Esquire magazines.

I've served as E! Online's correspondent on E! Entertainment Television's The Gossip Show, along with Liz Smith, Army Archerd and Marilyn Beck, among others. I'm a regular contributor to E!'s flagship series The E! True Hollywood Story and numerous E! Specials.




Write me back for my bank account information.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

ROFL

jlb said...

LMAO. Ent. LMAO.

Just like Jerry when he asked for the home number of the phone solicitor.

JH said...

You are so funny!!!

gillian said...

yeah yeah a 419. These guys do it soooo much better:
http://www.scamorama.com

Meanwhile.
Timmy? Are you there Timmy?

princessj1987 said...

LMFAO!

YahMoBThere said...

Tsk, tsk. I was laughing until I saw that you screwed Ted. Why Ted? Why not Perez Hilton?

This reminds me of what I do whenever I get email from AOL sent to my AOL address. I click on the button that says, "Report Spam".

captivagrl said...

that's focking funny..i luv it!!!

captivagrl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Great Dane said...

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Classic, Ent, just classic.

Wondering if you'll answer the door to a flaming bag in the morning?

Shelly said...

LMAO!!! Hilarious!

YahMoBThere said...

Great dane wrote:
"Wondering if you'll answer the door to a flaming bag in the morning?"


More like a flaming hag. Ted has a lot of fans here.

Unknown said...

You're right, twisted. Perez would have been funnier -

"Send me your picture c/o The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on the corner of Fairfax and Sunset Blvd in Hollywood, and I promise I'll put it up on my website! (So you'll know me, I'm the one with the pink hair.)"

Pinky said...

Come on Twisty, lighten up - it's a joke. And a damn funny one at that. I'll bet Ted would think so too, he's got a terrific sense of humor.

YahMoBThere said...

Ohhh Pinky, don't try to get between me and my Ted love. You know I heart you, but Ted is my man. My gay man, but my man nonetheless.

You don't think it would have been funnier directing it toward Perez? Come on....I know you do!!!

Mother Campfire said...

I agree - At least Ted is a good queen...Perez is just a hack trying to skeeze his way up the gossip ladder.

Hez said...

Oh, come on... that was hilarious.

He might be cute, but Ted can be pretty damn irritating. Of all people, he deserves to have ILLEGIBLE, ILLOGICAL, NONSENSICAL spam clogging up his mailbox.

YahMoBThere said...

Melissa - AMEN! Heart Ted, hate Perez.

d said...

This is one of my favorite scammer pranks. It's long, but worth the read:

http://www.zug.com/pranks/powerbook/index.html

Tracee said...

LOVES IT ENT! LMAO!!!!! Thx for the giggles.

YahMoBThere said...

Does anyone have any obnoxious way to handle recorded marketing calls that come into an office? Those drive me battier than spam.

Pinky said...

LOL - Twisty, okay I'll back off because it's you. And Perez would be funny, but Ted was probably one of the first ones to play the Blind Game, so Enty's just playing with his competition.

But ten to one, the next time Ted Googles his own name - and you know he will (who doesn't!) - he'll see this and have a good laugh. Maybe they'll have blind wars! This could be a very good thing for all of us!!

Pinky said...

P.S. @ Twisty - good job on keeping things organized on the Timmy front. All of you guys are ROCKIN'!!

Anonymous poster said...

Next time report it to ucc@ftc.gov & run it through spamcop.com

littleoleme said...

I'm now even more convinced that this is written by The Gilded Moose. And c'mon, Ted sort of deserves this for all the bloody alliteration he forces us to try and read through.
We should start a facebook for Gift.

Tracee said...

Sister! I'm with ya those annoying marketing calls at work makes me want to shoot my brains off. I hate how they're eerily quiet, making you think no ones on the phone and then the loud booming voice comes on:

THIS NOT A JOKE. REAL ESTATE MORTGAGES ARE DOUBLING..BLAH..BLAH

I mean don't scare me like that! Anything followed after this is not a joke, usually is a death threat or a bomb scare.

Sorry for my rant! But they piss me the fuck off!

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Ted's gonna kick your ass! ;-)

adore said...

LOL! That's too much.

YahMoBThere said...

d - thanks for the link to that scam - it's one of the funniest things I've read in a long time!!!

Pinky, we can always agree to disagree. As for the organization of Timmy facts, I didn't do much, but thanks. I still wish EL would post a pic of Timmy. It would be fun to add makeup in photoshop to see how close we got, or see if we could figure out who it is.

Tracee, I swear I'd like to kill anyone who has one of those recorded messages. They're not only annoying but they tie up the line! Maybe we could get EL to go after them...lol.

Maja With a J said...

Hilarious! I get a lot of messages on MySpace from "I am very nice looking man from Uganda, I wish to make know you better and perhaps achieve relationship as I very interested in Canada move". I reply to them all. Let's just say they never get back to me again.

Maja With a J said...

Oh and by the way, hi, I'm new, been reading this blog for a long time but never posted anything before!

syd said...

That was great. I wish everyone would reply in a way that would just drive them batty maybe then these jerks would stop. You did get a great one though, weird how they couldn't even keep the story straight.

Why am I the only person in America who hasn't gotten one of those e-mails?

YahMoBThere said...

Syd, what's your email address? EL and the rest of us will take of that for you.

Harriet, welcome and when you get a chance please bust one of those Canada moves for us. We're all dying to see what they look like. ;-)

littleoleme said...

So I went to the Powerbook story link. That was hilarious!!!!

noel said...

hee hee hee...

Very funny ENT

Perhaps Ted may turn you out after all!! (re- blind items, not the other way but then again... just kidding!!)

I was too lazy to read all the comments on Timmy so can you just let us know if one of the major guesses were right, or even better, just post five names and we will figure it out from there...

(being a real lazy ass here)

overall, I am more convinced that you are some legal dude, just the way you are able to see the many holes and rip the hell outta it. Man I wished you could of done that Paris rant to a judge

I'll stop now

see you all around...

Unknown said...

Ent--You are a delight.

GammaGirl said...

I LOVE IT! Can you do this to Perez? PLEEEEEASE!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!! Was actually doubled up with laughter when I got to Ted's address...

Pinky said...

I just read the PowerBook story, and I'm concerned about Jeff. He disappeared after perpetrating the scam on the scammer. You guys are so good, can you find him??

Kelsey said...

hahaha! watch ted c. make a blind item outta this... which buoyantly beautiful blogger was harassed, smashed and trashed by some super-annoying spam?

MnGddess said...

Major computer spew.....

Ent, you rock!

Cyn

Abbie said...

My Tax professor was saying in class today that he had a client who actually fell for one of these Nigerian scams. Put a lot of money into it and even made two trips to Africa. When it was all said and done the IRS tried to tell him he couldn't deduct the expenses. They ended up settling on a dedcution of 75% of the expenses, but only after a lot of squabbling.

Kathryn said...

When my brother was trying to sell his computer and some people at a message board he visits did that to a Nigerian scammer too. Wasn't nearly as involved as a the p-p-p-powerbook one, but it did involve my brother giving his address for Fed-Ex pickup as 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, where the scammer apparently tried to schedule pickup. I think somebody eventually sent the guy a box of crap--literally.

Though, it's crazy how many folks still fall for those scams. On the one board where my brother posted trying to sell the computer, someone else had posted asking how to send a computer to an address that was really just a bus stop in Lagos, Nigeria.

d said...

Pinky, I think that powerbook post is several years old, so the trail would be pretty cold. Not to mention cold in the UK.

Plus, I always thought it was possible that although Jeff was finally reached it makes a more interesting ending if that part was omitted from the site.

Pinky said...

Aw D - thanks for the update. I'll sleep tonight ;)

kellygirl said...

Oh, no you di'nt. Teddygrrrl is goin' piss his thong

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