The BAFTA Report - British Snark

**Update** I somehow forgot to copy and paste the first three lines of the report and so they are there now, in italics. The spy caught it, and then let me have it. I apologize profusely.

The spy is female and married, and may or may not have children. She also reads the comments sections.That is all I am saying. Oh, and the pics are not from our spy. A little issue with identification in most of her photos is precluding us from using them.



I just have two quick message for the readers-

1- If you don't know who someone is, just google them- don't spend time in the comments section going 'who the hell is this person?'

2- Apologies for changes in tense, misspellings and other grammatical errors- I wrote all this stuff on a blackberry.

Bonus:

The night before the BAFTAs I was at Claridge's having dinner. Harvey Weinstein was staying there, holding court and conducting business in his own inimitable manner. Having not really been around anyone who could buy and sell my arse I decided to mind my Ps and Qs. His FOUR (yes, four) assistants were buzzing around him like flies, messaging like mad on their blackberries and carrying around scripts. He buggered off in the late evening- out for dinner I am guessing. He went with a group of people including Georgina Chapman- wearing a stunnThe night before the BAFTAs I was at Claridge's having dinner. Harvey Weinstein was staying there, holding court and conducting business in his own inimitable manner. Having not really been around anyone who could buy and sell my arse I decided to mind my Ps and Qs. His FOUR (yes, four) assisstants were buzzing around him like flies, messaging like mad on theiring black chiffon dress. She has got to be one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. A few minutes later Cuba Gooding Jr. sauntered into the lobby unsuccesfully looking for someone- I can only assume Weinstein. However, judging from that dodgy 'tash, he could have been looking for the annual get-together for the official rich-arse trans-Atlantic S+M Bear Lovers. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, we laughed, because who is late for a meeting with Weinstein? That's some balls.

And I am certain either Gena Rowlands or Julie Christie was there as well, with a man who I recognised but maddeningly could not place. She was lovely and super-friendly to everyone. Whichever one it was, she was DRUNK by the end of the night- so drunk that when she staggered toward the lift she knocked a few things out of her coat pockets or purse. He picked them up and helped her away. She is remarkably beautiful.

The BAFTAs-

Before proceeding with the red carpet stuff, I thought I would mention that Keira Knightly left Claridge's with her entourage at the same time as us, walking very slowly. Her dress is absolutely STUNNING.
Okay, here are my impressions whilst going up the red carpet-

6:30pm- Aw, Jamie and Jools Oliver get out of their car and saunter by like they are A-listers. Cute. Unfortunately so does the nearby crowd, who immediately deafen me with screams for them. Bloody hell, people- he's only a tv chef, and hardly Gordon Ramsay at that. Real A listers are everywhere- have some perspective!
Damn, I didn't realise Daniel Day-Lewis was so thin! His people are waiting patiently while he briefly chatted with someone on the side- couldn't tell if it was an interviewer or just a fan. Meanwhile the crowds on the left side of the carpet are SCREAMING his name waving autograph books. I love him but his hair is a mess- I can't tell whether he showered 20 minutes ago or 20 days ago. I'll try and smell him to see.
Uh oh, burly security guard suspicious of my attempts to smell. We get ushered along.

Okay, fuck yeah, Izzard is here. I am standing within 15 feet of him. I can die now.

James McAvoy is getting interviewed and his fab wife Anne-Marie Duff (a brilliant actress in her own right) is radiant. I have always loved those two and ponder why it has taken so long for the rest of the world to catch up. I hope he wins.

My god, what is Tilda Swinton wearing? I love her but she looks like Grim Death. When Grim Death is really, really ill.
Daniel Radcliffe is very short and much less good looking in real life (which is not saying much). He rolled his eyes when I said to my husband, 'oh, look it's Harry Potter'. This of course made me do it again. And louder. Don't worry, I think I could take him if things throw down. Quidditch this, bitch.

Uh oh, they are hurrying us along again.

Viggo Mortensen is on the left. Jesus wept, you can smell the testosterone from here. He's far too twisted-steel-and-sex-appeal for my liking. He fancies himself, no diggety.

When did Sienna Miller grow all that hair? Never mind, it is a fairly unconvincing weave which would be rejected as too ugly by a Jerry Springer guest. She is just setting up an interview with Ryan Seacrest, who seems to be having a harder time than you'd expect with trying to get celebs to stop. Seacrest is out- out of his mind if he thinks he looks straight. I resisted the urge to pat him on the head while he interviewed Sienna. He's just so weeny!

Thandie Newton has gained some weight- finally out of that extermination-camp chic (which Day Lewis has obviously taken over). She looks gorgeous.

Gervais is strutting cock of the walk but i don't care how successful he is- he looks out of place amongst the beautiful people.

Kevin Spacey looks happy. But then he's talking to a cute guy, so no surprises there.
Catherine Berger is looking gorgeous. So glad she is here- she's the next big thing as far as screenwriters in Europe go, so look out for her.

Whoops getting rushed along now, to inside. We get ushered to the upstairs party (for the industry plebs) although Emily Blunt is running around with what could be her sister. Why does she always have that visceral high-school bully smirk on her face? Damn, just dump his useless arse already and enjoy life hon!
---
The Awards themselves- (comments on the Awards ceremony are arbitrary and thin on the ground because I couldn't whip out the blackberry and type through the whole thing)

Gervais telling hilarious fat jokes (that were probably cut from the transmission) and Chris Langham (google him) jokes.

Day Lewis gets award and it becomes clear it was 20 days. Come on, Daniel, shampoo is our friend. Damn, McAvoy didn't win. Meh.

Fuck me Sly is here and obvs had elocution lessons because I can understand half of what he's saying.

Wait a sec- they just said Clooney isn't here. Collective gasp from all the women around me.

Rosamund Pike is presenting an award. Oh my god, kill me now. She speaks at the speed of a very slow-moving thing.

What the hell- Jessica Biel with inexplicably hideous newly dyed straw-coloured hair? *Sigh*. If she only had a brain.

Tilda's outfit really is a disaster. My husband disagrees. I am confused.

Marion Cotillard looked like an angel in couture. She is in shock that she won, but I am not surprised at all. She was sublime in La Vie En Rose. If you don't see that film, slash your wrists because life ain't worth living without it.
And Dougie from Travis with his girl- so cute together!

Jeff Goldblum wearing sunglasses while presenting an award? You can tell he's fresh off the boat. His mates at the Old Vic will take the piss when he returns this week.

Anthony Hopkins? I have nothing to say except I am lucky to have breathed in the same air as he.---

Just after the Awards (9:45pm)-


FYI- When the BAFTA Awards finish all 3,000 attendees are shipped from the theatre over to the Grosvenor Hotel for dinner. Most people (ie the plebs and the minor celebs) get stuck in huge queues for buses. However, the celebs have their own queue out of a separate part of the building, where an endless line of BAFTA-sponsored cars and drivers take whoever is in the queue. It is hilarious to see A listers in queues when they are used to not waiting for anything. Here's what I observed besides all of them being antsy in one way or another:

Eddie Izzard is surprisingly quiet and short but his eyes are gorge. He and his companions were eyeing up a possible sneaky route out of the area. Despite the cold he was funny, but he could have dressed up a bit more.
Daniel Day-Lewis sneaky his way to the front of the queue, happily chatting with well-wishers. I see what you are doing and I've got your number, mate.

Orlando Bloom does not look happy about waiting in line. I am sorry, but he looks weedy. At one point he was resting his chin on the top of his companion's head. Just waiting and bored.

Cuba was in good spirits (although he didn't take my advice about the 'tash) as well but short too. (I promise I am not a giant!)

Harvey Weinstein took his jacket off for Georgina Chapman. She is so tiny- I could span her waist with my hands. His shirt was discombobulated but who cares after this display of loveliness?

Kate Hudson breezing by the car queue with an entourage.

Some of the Atonement lot cutting the line as well. Famous gits! It is freezing out here, and you have smug self-satisfaction to keep you warm! Stop cutting in line!
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The dinner- I don't have a lot from this bit because my vantage point was limited and it was hard to get around for a better view. However, here goes-

Before dinner Keira Knightly storming toward her table looking beautiful but PISSED OFF at not winning.

Rhys Ifans was chatting with a large group of people, checking out everyone who walked by. Friendly but definitely attitudey.


The preacher kid from There will be Blood was lording it before dinner with a smirk on his face. Easy, tiger.

Kelly Macdonald was struggling to get around- there was barely any space between tables and her preggers belly made it really hard. Poor thing- I love her too.

Rachel Weitz happily chatting with people but not as cute as she looks on screen.
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After the dinner-

The A listers left fairly quickly to get to Weinstein's party- it was nearly like a footrace at some points. However, in the cloakroom area (which lay between the main dining room and the exits/afterparty room) lots of people were pouncing on the celebs before they left. You could choke on the desperation in that area. It was hilarious.

Anyone who tried to have a ciggie in the designated outside area was surrounded by paps, autograph hounds and wingnuts (some of them with their life's belongings stored securely in their plastic bags).

Andy Sirkus (with unreasonably hippie-ish beard) was running around near the coat check smiling to himself.

Harvey Keitel running around, buggering off as quickly as possible. My husband chatted with him just after dinner but I missed it. I missed Mr. White! Tragedy!

Xavier checking out women while someone in his group mentioned going to Weinstein's party. He is much better looking in real life, but there is still a distinct Gerard Depardieu flavour about him. Very friendly though.

Izzard and the Juno group heading toward the door (but not necessarily leaving together) with izzard clearly intrigued by Diabolo Cody. She was adorable and not a hint of nerves to be seen. Very gracious when we congratulated her.

Nick Rhodes happy and gorgeous as always. Fucking Nick Rhodes! What an awesome surprise!
Christopher Gunning and his adorable family looking completely starstruck with an 'I can't believe my luck' expression written all over his face.

The dude who wrote This is England, hugging his BAFTA and graciously accepting compliments from all around. He is a big old teddy bear.

Matt Willis from Busted leaving gents' toilets with a smile on his face. I am guessing he is happy he had the red carpet gig for the Brit media. It was defo a 'yay the rent will be paid this month' kind of smile.

Rosamund Pike looking lovely but walking around radiating as much charisma as a particularly introverted wet haddock that's gone off in a sulk.

David Baddiel looking like his insomniac scruffy self (we're both insomniacs so we know only too well how to recognise one) with a dark cloud over him. This could be because no one cared he was there.

Victoria Silverstet holding court at the after party hilariously unaware that every other single famous person had buggered off to Weinstein's party.
Then I was off as well. The in-house afterparty at the Grosvenor was crap, the dj sucked (if you are reading, learn how to play more that 10 seconds of a song and for God's sake, step away from the copy of Hips Don't Lie).