And So Continues The Cycle
And will you look at the happy couple? In what can only be described as the afterglow from an alleged beating to the face, happy couple Alan Panettiere and Lesley Vogel took the time yesterday to reconnect, walk the dog and hide the alleged bruises on Lesley.
So, what kind of message is this showing the world? Is it saying, there was some drinking and some arguing that got out of hand and her face accidentally swung down into his fist?
It could be saying, our daughter is famous and we want some of that fame and so what better way to get it than to show up outside together the day after the arrest.
Or, it could just be saying, I'm a wife who is stupid enough to stick with a guy even if he beats me and I hope all of you ladies do the same thing as well. If the allegations are true, I would have a hard time believing that at his age, this is the first time that Alan had hit a woman. It is possible of course, but something tells me, it has happened previously and probably to Lesley. If it has, then she is basically telling Hayden it is fine to be in a relationship with a guy who beats you. She is showing their son it is okay to beat women in a relationship because they will stick with you.
I don't care if you are a man or a woman, if you get hit by your partner, then leave. If you don't, the next time will be worse, and the episodes will become more frequent.
21 comments:
verbal abuse is sign number one, which the abused will endure for way too long.
Don't wait for that first punch, or slap, or shove. Just Love yourself enough to leave.
Didn't Milo Ventimiglia hit Alexis Bledel when they were dating?
That would continue the cycle in Hayden's world.
Ugh, dnfrommn, I was thinking the same thing.
its easy enough to say just leave its a lot harder to do when your acctually in that situation
agreed amydylan .. especially when you have small children and no where to go ..we dont all live celebrity lives with celebrity dollars .. and certainly wouldnt want this kind of behavior fodder for our neighbors, let alone the tabloids
Although I agree with your advice - leave before you get hit - it is not necessarily true that if you don't leave after getting hit the next beating is worse.
I hit my wife - once - during a fight in a circumstance where I thought my wife was hurting one of my children. Dealing with that experience was so utterly horrific (not only for her, but for me) that I curse the day I was born and would never, ever touch her in anger again.
People make mistakes, and this is one mistake that should never be forgiven or forgotten, but redemption, however rare, is possible.
And now for my afternoon vodka IV...
I thought the Alexis/Milo rumor was confirmed to be false.
I know abusive relationships are complicated, but one hit is one too many. As hard as anyone's situation may be, it's never going to get any easier to leave. I'd rather be homeless, even with kids, than allow someone to hit me. (And without getting too personal, I was hit once, so I'm not just saying that.)
I am sure if she WANTED to leave she has the funds to do so--isn't she the manager of her 2 kids?
wow, this whole thing is hitting (pardon the pun) way close to home for me .. I too have been hit (one time, but one time too many) in a situation not unlike dead kennedy's .. it was a bad situation made worse by alchohol and pills (not on my part) .. but it was also an epiphany for my husband who would not normally behave this way .. and since that ugly night, he has stopped the pill and stopped the booze .. I am not a stupid woman and know the difference between an abuser and someone who is acting out due to an illness .. so dead kennedy I feel for you, and I felt for my husband .. I did forgive him, but I will never forget it.
Now I would always say leave, but each situation is diffrent say hypothetically you were young, pregnant and not working due to health problems, not speaking to your family and had promised his dying Grandma(who knew what was going to happen) you would stay with him untill he had had some time to come to terms with her death it can be exremly difficult to leave especially if it is coupled with long term verbal and emotional abuse.
OK, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I am now going to say mine, and restrain my self while doing so. It is never OK. NEVER. One time is not OK. I want to say more but will bite my tongue.
The kind of message this is showing the world, is this is how battered women's syndrome looks.
It is not going to result in charges being dropped, or a jury finding him not guilty if she perjures herself or refuses to appear at trial. Prosecutors are too experienced in these types of cases.
Actually bmini I agree with you theres never an excuse I just understand that sometimes its a lot easier to say it than do it
True, amydylan.
i co-sign with bmini. it's never OK. the relationship or marriage would FOREVER change at that point.
bmini .. i agree it is not okay and there is no excuse in the world that can make it okay. You can forgive the person but not the action and neither can you forget it. but as amydylan has said, when it comes to leaving, easier said then done.
No, it's NEVER EVER OK.
YES, people (men too! Damn! I have fiends whose wives have given them black eyes!) should leave if it happens...
That said, this fucking society offers absolutely no support to those interested in leaving.
Quick show of hands: if your significant other beat the living hell out of you after dinner tonight, where would you go? No, really...where? Knowing that if you walk out on someone who has access to the finances, can drain the bank account or sell the house in your absence, could fight you in court and say YOU abandoned them, what would you do?
I get really angry at all these "Victim's Rights" groups who put there money into glossy little mailers and posters on the subway with "inspiring" little catch phrases about leaving the abuser, and all that.....yet when you need a safe clean place to stay with your kids and your pets and your stuff, all of a sudden these "advocacy" groups fall silent and scatter like roaches when you turn on the lights!!
So, I would actually like to amend the statement that "You should always leave if there is abuse" to rad "You should always be able to leave when there is abuse"
Damn, this government can afford to put little roving cameras all over Mars and shit, but they cant buy ONE high-rise in a clean, safe neighborhood and FUND IT, and USE IT solely for the purpose of housing families displaced due to abuse? That's, like, basic disaster relief if you ask me. And these "Victim's Rights" people sure as hell talk the talk, but I don't see them offering any abuse victims their spare bedrooms....
"That said, this fucking society offers absolutely no support to those interested in leaving."
AMEN, Ragdoll!!!!!
A friend who is a counselor gave me a few good insights into spotting abusers before they get physical:
*At the beginning of the relationship, they may go way overboard to make up for a small transgression (e.g., flowers, chocolates, and profuse apologies for being 20 minutes late).
*It's all about control. He might blow up bc you ordered lunch with the gang instead of having him buy it.
*They convince you no one else would want you, and make you feel inept.
*They seem angry, but their eyes are flat. They're using violence/"rage" to control you, then the fake tears and remorse to control you even more.
It's hard to see the early signs when the abusers are so good at isolating you from friends/family who can give you perspective. Especially if you take the abuser back, others in your life will be less and less willing to help.
I once helped an abused friend move out at dawn while her bf was taking someone to the airport, only to be asked to bring everything back later that day because he was "so sorry and he cried and begged." It jaded me. Then I helped her get a PFA, which her whole family saw, and then she got back with him again, isolating her even more.
And cops can be totally callous, too, acting like the victim deserves it.
Yes, we definitely need more funding for housing the abused and displaced, but the victims will need counseling, too, to prevent the pattern from repeating.
It's a tough issue. If you see the early signs, though, I say "RUN!" (Easier said than done, I know...)
I was out yesterday dealing with divorce stuff from the guy who abused me, so my comment is a little late.
I have NEVER hit anyone in anger, spit on someone, broke things in the house, etc., in anger (I am a klutz, though, so accidents do happen, but not in anger) or called my significant other vulgar names in anger.
My friend and I went to a concert (Carrie Underwood if you're curious) on a Sunday night and when I didn't get home when my husband thought I should be, he called the police on me when I did arrive home. No, nothing happened. No, there was no fight. The only reason I knew the police were coming was because I overheard him whispering on the phone. I waited for them calmly and a male and female showed up. I noticed while waiting that all my pictures were gone from the walls in the house. I told her that he had removed all the decorations and was lying about us fighting and she told me, "Well, in my experience, things like this blow over in the morning's light when you come back to the house." I told her that she was the reason women in America die every day at the hands of abusers b/c cops like her tell them it will all be better in the morning.
So in a couple months when I did have to call the police on him because he DID become physically and verbally abusive towards me, guess who shows up. Her. And she literally laughs in my face and says, "I knew you'd come back." And I told her, "Yeah, weren't you the one that told me everything would be fine in the morning?" That was the last time my ex has been in our house. That was over a year and a half ago.
There were signs early on after we married and I should have laid tracks then. But I believed in my vows and believed that I was supposed to try to work things out, but things with an abuser don't get better, they only get worse and escalate. Never again. At the first sign of that crap, I'm OUT. Vows or no.
I am also late in posting and I will do it anyway, because I have to speak out on this.
I have been married for not even 3 years and I have known my husband for almost 20 years. For the last 6 months, his depression has gotten so bad that he has slowly become very verbally abusive towards me. This is not something that I ever saw coming. On Sunday night, I did leave, and I stayed at a hotel until this morning (Wednesday). I had to because I was dying inside and about to have a full on nervous breakdown. This has seemed to serve as a wake up call to my husband and one of the reasons I came home. We're going to counseling this week and he's going into individual counseling as well. I'm fully aware that this may not work, in which case I'm prepared to split for good. But, I love my husband and I'm not willing to just divorce him after less than two years without trying to put our marriage back together. That being said, he hits me, I'm gone.
Having spilled out my whole sorry and embarrassing current personal situation, I have to wholeheartedly agree with RagDoll - there is NO support for abused women whose situations are much more dire than mine. I'm going through hell, but at the same time I know I'm LUCKY, because:
1) I had the resources to go to a hotel when I left.
2) I have family support and have other places I can stay longer term for free if I need to.
3) I don't have any children.
4) I have my own resources (not independently wealthy by ANY means, just have a good paying job). It bears repeating because if I didn't, I don't even know what I would have done and I'm not even being physically abused.
Oh yeah, and being smack in the middle of what seems like an abusive situation, I can tell you that it is a HELL of a lot easier to say you will leave and never come back than to actually do it. However, I am an intelligent woman and if counseling doesn't alleviate the situation, I will leave for good. Still, it's gut wrenching and hard. I feel sick all the time vs simply feeling dead inside from putting up the screaming and the yelling.
Ok, I'm done now. Sorry.
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