Friday, September 26, 2008

Ted C Blind Item

It's really one of Hollywood's best-kept secrets—right up there with what exactly went down between Tom and Nicole. And yes, if you're smelling a pooftah about to be (almost) outted here, then, babycakes, you are correct. Besides, I gave you all a het vice last week about how skank-a-thon you straight married folks can be, 'kay?

For the ribald record, do you all have any idea how hard it is to find surreptitious heterosexual effed-up behavior in this town? It's ridiculous! No one hides that crap in T-town! You straight Neanderthals are so proud of treating women like they so often treat themselves (starvation, mutilation, etc.). It's all the closeted fagolas who are worth writing about.

Take Petered Metered, for ince. He's, like, so famous for screwing everything that's boobalicous, always female, always a very broad-type o' broad, too. Know what I mean? P.M. truly loves the attention all this lady-killin' affords him, the more visible, the better. The more curvaceous, even more better!

A little obvious for my tastes, but in a town where a woman can still keep their kids and have a career comeback less than a year after they go bald-headed wacko, what the ef do I know about subtleties?

Obviously, not nearly as much as does Mr. Metered, who has it expressly written into the contracts with his girlfriends (yes, you read correctly) that they're supposed to go on and on not just about Metered's prowess, but his damn annoying wandering eye, too. It's all for effect. Just so the gullible public doesn't quit buying his product, which affords P.M. mucho purchased playtime with the—you know what's coming here, hons—the boys 'n' the toys. Lots of toys and gadgets and drugs and gels and porn and…jeez, doesn't anybody just have plain ol' sex anymore?

And It Ain't: Sylvester Stallone, Colin Farrell, Matthew McConaughey

67 comments:

notachance said...

These might be a little easier to decipher if Ted would just write in plain 'ol English....

ms snarky said...

how about a little Tommy Lee?

although I do wish Matty wasn't on the "It's Not" list.

Sylvia said...

I agree with you notachance.

I was about to say why can't he write plain simple english for us plain simple folks LOL.

ms snarky said...

and there's always Gene Simmons

ms snarky said...

somehow I'm not getting an actor vibe from this blind.

too said...

Mario Lopez? He's always with diff girls in a really obvious way.

ms snarky said...

but if we're going to talk actors, then Mario Lopez

cate said...

"petered metered" i.e. old "girlfriends"
"playtime"

It's Hugh Hefner!

Quintessential Southerner said...

i believe that mario is a switch hitter and would do anything to keep that star shining. he wouldn't be unfamiliar with the peen.

ms snarky said...

Brett Ratner

curious_cailyn said...

Definitely Hef. He fits the description perfectly, and rumors of his "activities" with (very young) men have been around for a while.

Quintessential Southerner said...

hugh hefner is an interesting guess.

but why does ted assume these guys are gay. men are capable of being bisexual if a woman can be.

captivagrl said...

john mayer

ms snarky said...

James Woods. doesn't he just seem like the creepy type? and if we're going down that kind of road, who's that comic on HBO with the big ladies rep? I can't think.

littleoleme said...

This really isn't too surprising. Hollywood has been setting up these relationships forever now. Just think of Rock Hudson and his "marriage".

ms snarky said...

Bill Maher. I had to wrack my brain.

Quintessential Southerner said...

i really am feeling the hugh hefner guesses. good job you two.

RagDoll said...

Ditto, Quintessential Southerner! Could be Hef, and he could be bi, but if it's an actor, then Mario L. (ditto, too, on M.L.'s predilection for switch hitting...)

Quintessential Southerner said...

HEY RAGDOLL!!

i missed you. **hugs**

it has been said elsewhere that mario stayed broke before all of these opportunities opened up for him. he could have very well have had a male sponsor to open some doors for him. teehee.

ms snarky said...

hugh hefner would be a good guess, with the contracts, and the "playtime" etc. ick. and there's lots of gossip about how the girls are kicked out of the fold for talking the wrong way about him and the activities at the mansion. One of the girls, I think, was the chick who just had David Spade's kid. per an interview with her on Howard Stern, she got in trouble for the things she said on his show, and eventually had to leave the mansion after a second infraction. I think that's how it went down, anyway.

bflogurl said...

I was thinking John Mayer as well.... thus the "metered" musical reference.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

/puts on his Ted C Scholar Cap

I think that Hef is a good, reasonable guess.... but I don't think that's who it is.

These are the vibes I'm getting from Ted here:

(1) Something with music, hence the Britney reference

(2) The subject seems to date these women for the notoriety that dating them brings him. Hef, on the other hand, gets to "date" his women because of his pre-existing notoriety -- he's not seeking notoriety through dating them. The girls come to Hef, not vice-versa.

On the other hand, the contract/buying his product/etc. stuff does fit well with Hefner.

But I still think it's someone more musical and more pursuit-y, which is why I like the John Mayer guess.

charissemia said...

Its Hugh Hefner. "...Just so the gullible public doesn't quit buying his product..." It would also be really one of the best-kept secrets in Hollywierd.

donna said...

kid rock ...

Yellow Rose said...

ms snarky-

I might think there was a chance it was Gene Simmons if I hadn't seen every episode of the first 2 seasons of Family Jewels (haven't had time to catch it lately, gonna have to break down & buy the dvds). Hated the guy before that show-but he seems to be a normal family-man that has an alter ego/public persona that's radically different from his "real" one. My fiance & I watched it b/c of how "lovable" (for lack of a better word) Gene was on the School of Rock show he did w/ the English school kids & were curious how his family would be. BTW-LOVE Nick, Sofie, Shannon, & Turtle but Shannon seriously needs to cool it with the plastic surgery!

It's amazing to watch what a sleaze-ball he'd become when he would go to public events (Shannon NEVER accompanies him-EVER, it would totally kill his rock star-sex god (ick) image), The outing to the industry convention with Nick was esp entertaining b/c of how obviously uncomfortable Nick was with his dad's public side & basically acted like any teenager who was completely embarassed by their parent in public, esp when Gene was telling those girls Nick has a band, they started obviously fawning over Nick b/c of the comments & Nick asked Gene not to do that. Cute how he was just like any other dad who's extremely proud of his son's talents &, in Nick's case, height & shoe size. ;)

Wow-didn't mean to write a novel, sorry guys. I just normally hate reality shows that follow celebrity families around b/c they're so obviously scripted & over-edited, but this one genuinely seems to portray them as they are (freakin' adorable) & I was impressed w/ that...& therefore hooked from the get-go.

Leah said...

About Mario, he is indeed a switch-hitter. I met him when he dated a very handsome young man (also an actor) that worked for me.

Bad Fish said...

Wow

I want to go with Hef because the girls JUST made a red carpet appearance in which they complained about his wandering eye. But it wouldn't fit some of the other clues. Like going on about prowess. I don't think I've heard the GND go on about his "prowess". I'm sure the old timer can barely move.

svd said...

It's Hef.
Trust me.

Gayla said...

I have no idea. Hef is a good guess but The nots are all actors, and Colin Farrell's recent emaciated look aside, are all muscular, dark-haired types. Stallone makes NO sense as an ain't until I consider the muscles and dark hair. I don't consider Sly handsome at all but in his prime he was thought to be...I guess. To each his or her own.

So anyway, who else out there is tall, muscular, and handsome? I will do you all a favor and spare you the two obvious guesses but only because they're not muscular enough.

On the subject of Hef I definitely believe there is some juicy dirt there, but I think it would be kind of hard for Ted to ever do a blind about Hef because there are no other H'wood people who really have anything in common. Except Joe Francis, which ugh.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Here's the thing, though... Hef has been open about his bisexual swinging days in the Seventies. (See, e.g., this Post item: http://www.nypost.com/seven/11182006/gossip/pagesix/pagesix.htm Or this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/5020806.stm )

So would this really be that big a deal for Hef? The magazine, and his cashflow, don't exactly depend on the Playboy Lifestyle anymore... it depends on naked chicks....

I'm still thinking some macho cocksman singer. Maybe a rapper. Usher, perhaps?

Gayla said...

Actually, bad fish, Holly HAS gone on about Hef's prowess before. Especially on the E! True Hollywood Store on Hef and the Playboy franchise, towards the end of the episode she was saying (paraphrasing), "The sex is great. People ask me that all the time so I just tell them...he takes Viagra but he doesn't need it."

Then you have the Kendra-Hank Baskett and Holly-Criss Angel rumors...something is definitely going on with Hef and the girlfriends.

Again, I think Hef is a good guess. I'm just not sold on it being him, particularly based on the nots given.

Nick said...

I'm thinking Hef too.... P.M - Playboy magazine? Hmmm....

Quintessential Southerner said...

but that's from the 70s. playboy's stock has risen through the show GND.
if the masses were to find out that he still carries on like this in a big way, what would happen.

Kraymond19 said...

Jamie Foxx?

Sarah said...

For some reason, the very first name that popped into my head was Jonathan Antin. You know, the total douche who was the subject of "Blow Out" on Bravo...but now I don't know, because all the NOTs are actors.

CarolMR said...

My first thought was Bill Maher.

Idiot Watcher said...

george clooney

Ms Cool said...

Hmmm. Hef is a zillion years old. However, this text made me consider:

A little obvious...what the ef do I know about subtleties?

As in, "what the HEF do I know...?"

Am I reading too much into a blind item?

Molly said...

it can't be clooney...sarah whatserface was as flat as a friggin' board.

Bad Fish said...

Hmm so if Holly HAS gone on about the prowess, given Hef's past in dabbling in gay sex, I am a little more on the Hef side of the argument.

selenakyle said...

This could def be Hef (I rhymed!) due to the quotes from that new book out by the former housemate or whatever she was.

Every Wednesday and Friday night, Hef watches gay porn while the gals service him and each other.

kathryn said...

John Mayer for sure, he hooked up with Perez Hilton and Perez passed a lie detector test about it.

Sis said...

I thought Hef too...and I think the nots are all gay...and that is the consistency with the nots.

Quintessential Southerner said...

colin is not gay. he is a serious male slut with a drug problem and other health issues going on.

sly, loves the hookers when wifey is away.

Nature Girl said...

Mayer - always in the public eye with his conquests, his "product" is singing romantic type shit to swooning women...
Hef - Def bi, doubt full on gay though.

RE: q.s's comment about Colin F
What is up with him? Enty?
Obv. drugs, but a health issue too? Whatever it is, he's lookin' rough!

Melissa said...

I think the "and it ain't"s have all long been rumored to be gay, but aren't necessarily actually gay. That said, Lance Armstrong is coming to mind for me, although he doesn't fit with "buying his product." Judging by the aint's, the "product" must be movies.

But I've never come close to deciphering one of Ted C.'s blinds yet.

Ed said...

Ben Affleck. Ok I know it sounds like a joke but for real hes my guess,

He fits in with the aints as being a movie star and having a string of flops.

There have always been rumors swirling about him and Matt Damon.

John Mayer is a great guess too nand wouldnt be surprised in the least.

What about Justin Timberlake, hence the Britney reference and the "Peter Metered" Metered being a musical reference. And he has tried to break into the movies.

Grace said...

I am MUCH more interested in the comment "... in a town where a woman can still keep their kids and have a career comeback less than a year after they go bald-headed wacko..."

Who is that????

kimmypie1 said...

I am going with Mayer too. There are always stories about how he is the best lover. and the women always seem so drawn to him.

ms snarky said...

Grace - Britney. don't you remember the head shaving incident? and the losing the kids to Kevin? you are clearly not reading online gossip enough.

ms snarky said...

sis - yay! finally someone who also thinks Matty is a sometime batter for the home team! I totally get that vibe from him. Although it's not a popular opinion here!

Katie said...

hefner's exgf iszabella st.james wrote a tell all. she pretty much slammed hef and holly and bridget, but she did say that all of the rumors that they watch gay porn were false and the only people in the bedroom were hef and tons of girls. never guys. she dated him for 2 years. the other girl that wrote a book was never a girlfriend, just a wannabe who never made it.

ms snarky said...

ed - this guy is supposed to be seen all the time with busty babes. Ben's not really ever seen with busty babes, not to mention Jennifer Garner not being that type. Attractive, certainly, but you can't call her bimbo-ish. Ben married a nice girl.

Ann said...

For some reason, Bret "Rock of Love" Michaels came to mind. That guy wears more makeup than Pamela Anderson.

Daaimah said...

Definitely DIDDY!

d said...

my first thought was Jamie Foxx too.

The only thing is, the "ain't"s don't fit with him in any way that I can see.

Jaiden said...

I don't think it's Hef. The "nots" are all buff actor types, otherwise I'd be on the Lance Armstrong train.
So, the guy is buff, has acted and likes his women big. What about The Rock? I also like the Mario Lopez guess.

BinkyM said...

Sorry to rain on the parades, but we're looking for someone who dates "boobalicious" girls, and that sure as hell ain't Mario Lopez (http://www.whosdatedwho.com/celebrities/people/dating/mario-lopez.htm), nor is it John Mayer (http://www.whosdatedwho.com/celebrities/people/dating/john-mayer.htm). Think big jugs! (And Hefner ain't it, as he has nothing in common with the ain'ts.)

I, unfortunately, am coming up dry, but I'm still working on it!

bionic bunny! said...

it's not hef.
he's so overtly sexual, all the time, and it wouldn't surprise anybody that he would be bi. i know he's become quite popular lately with the t.v. show and all (which i haven't seen), but my dad always had playboys and the playboy calendar when i was growing up, back when the nudes were still classy. it wasn't a big deal. my folks even went to the club a couple of times. it would make a WHOLE LOT OF SENSE that my dad would cancel his subscription if hugh went on about same sex stuff at the time (mom says when i was born, my first christmas gift was the mag/calendar sub. this went on until mid-seventies).
anyway, before mr. b and i married, he was very embarrassed to receive his renewal form! silly goose. so we had them for about 11 years, he looked at the pix, i read the articles, we finally decided not to renew when the boy hit 14.
ANYWAY, as i said, nobody would be surprised if it was hef.

MY GUESS?
eddie murphy or diddleydoodoodumpling.

not on my dollar said...

Okay since none of us obviously know what the hell we're talking about I'll throw Ice T's name into the hat (he definitely has a big busty one), or John Mayer or Justin Timberlake.

Stephe96 said...

Just to throw a name out there:

Jack Nicholson?

DetroitRocker said...

girls gone wild Joe Francis but, damn it does sound like Hef.

Beth said...

My first thought was Clooney. (That Sarah chick got implants, don't forget.)

However, I like the Hefner guess a bit more.

ms snarky said...

Det Rock, you made my day. I'd pay gazillions for this to be Joe Francis. with video. heck, even a still photo would be fine.

ms snarky said...

In fact, I'm jumping from the Hef bandwagon right onto the Girls Gone Wild jet. Joe Francis it is. Even if it's not.

Impertinent Vixen said...

I would doubt this is Hef, pansexuality aside. He's elderly and has women falling all over him because of his celebrity, and richer than Croesus, and I think could care less about what people think about him.

This is someone younger, with an image to project.

Also, Colin Farrell is looking rough for a movie role. He may have been a man-slut and a druggie once upon a time, but apparently has cleaned up for his son, who has Angelman's syndrome.

Other than that, I have no guesses, so I guess I'll board the Eddie Murphy tranny, uh, train.

kari B-rum said...

Hugh Hefner hired Al Parker, a very well known gay porn superstar, in the seventies to manage his private film collection that he watches in his bedroom. I'm just saying.

I think it's John Mayer