Chris Kattan Arrested For DUI

Former SNL actor and bad movie mainstay Chris Kattan was arrested for DUI very early this morning. Apparently Chris was driving all over the highway and people called the police. The police didn't get him pulled over before he rear ended a Department Of Transportation truck that was parked beyond some cones on a closed off section of the highway. Yeah, you know someone is blitzed when they run through cones and hit something. Chris is always fighting to stay clean and doesn't do a very good job of it. He usually looks like he has been up for days doing drugs and probably has. He is the star of five or six blinds but could be twenty or thirty if I wanted to write about him more. There is one about an assistant he hired just because she could get him the best drugs. That was while he was married. I don't remember if the blind talked about the sex he would have with the assistant.

Chris Kattan On Match.Com?

A friend of mine sent me this screen shot yesterday and I posted it on Twitter and I think people are having a tough time deciding if it is real or not. One thing we have decided is that Chris Kattan is way older than 37 and way shorter than 5'9". If this was someone more famous you would say to yourself no way would it be him, but it is Chris Kattan. He is not exactly at the top of his game any longer and he does not have women throwing himself at him anymore. And yes, he has had sex with women, so I would not dismiss this because you think he is gay.

Jeremy Piven Loves Mango (The Character, Not The Fruit. Well, Maybe The Fruit Also)

Proving once again that Jeremy Piven is a tool who loves Saturday Night Live, he and Chris Kattan got into a fight. No, not like a fight, fight involving fists and actual body contact. Instead it was a verbal joust that had Piven shooting spittle and Chris doing a whole lot of that awkward fake smiling of his.

According to the NY Daily News, Jeremy and Chris were backstage at Alexa Chung's talk show on MTV. Chris made a joke which went a little something like this. "So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?"

Piven then replied, "Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?"

At that point Chris should have known he had won. Piven loves Mango. Maybe he harbors some secret crush of Mango. What happened instead though was that Chris and Jeremy continued to go back and forth with Chris thinking it was all in good fun and Piven starting to sweat and spit and pull out his four remaining real hairs.

At some point Chris realized that Jeremy was actually upset and did the whole, "hey I thought we were joking thing," and Piven said, "I'm getting sued for that s--t! It's not funny!"

Umm, yeah it is actually funny because it is still quite possibly the worst excuse ever given by an adult for missing work. It is the equivalent of the dog eating my homework. However I will say that having seen what puppies do to furniture, walls and shoes it wouldn't surprise me if, over the course of history a dog did actually eat the homework of someone. I doubt however that anyone else in the history of mankind has ever called in sick for eating too much sushi.

When the Daily News called Piven's rep they played some kind of song and dance game and said it was all joking. When they called Kattan's rep they said Jeremy went ballistic.

Random Photos Part One

Willie Nelson - Round Rock, TX
There is a very interesting phenomenon going on with me right now. As my like for Jessica Simpson increases, my dislike for Ashlee Simpson increases. Hell, I feel like Einstein right now.
Catherine Hardwicke looks awfully happy standing next to Billy Burke.
Billy Corgan and his "guest." Much better choice than his last "guest."
I haven't seen Bridget Fonda on a red carpet in a long time.
Hell that is more action than Chris Kattan probably got when he was married. That is Pooja Kumar doing the kissing. On the other side is Neha Dhupia.
Lets see. George Hamilton is about 70 and the woman is what? 30?
Halle Berry got a cake. Is it wrong for me to want her to deliver it to the basement?
Ice-T dreaming of Coco.
Jennifer Aniston with an umbrella holder and a fan.
It must be to protect her valuable acting skills. She looks good though.
"Drew?"
"Has anyone seen Drew?"
"Umm. Drew?"
"Drew!"
"Excuse me. Drew?"
"Where the hell did she go?"
Josh Duhamel doing yard work. Enough said.
James Franco on the set of his new movie.
This is right before Kate Moss got on a yacht. Literally within five seconds of getting on the yacht the dress was off.
You really don't see suits this shiny. Is it plastic?
No it isn't Hailey Glassman going after Jon Gosselin, it is Mariska Hargitay and Stephean Rea on the set of Law & Order.
"Daddy. The ice cream man is over there. Why are we over here?"
Ummm, yeah, Rachel Dratch everyone.
It was Robert Pattinson's turn yesterday to fly to Vancouver.
Seth Meyers is not a bad looking guy.
Probably the best picture I have seen of Taylor Momsen.

Hey, There Was The Engagement

Everyone is making a big deal today out of the fact that Sunshine Tutt was given about $200,000 for the two months she was married to Chris Kattan. Now, granted that is a lot of money for just two months. Especially considering she was just supposed to get $10,000. But, what people forget is they were engaged for a very long time so she had to pretend to like him for a very long time. This wasn't just a meet and then Vegas thing. Nope. This was a be your girlfriend for six months and then get engaged for six months and then get married for two months thing. Kind of like a normal relationship. Well, normal in the sense of time, not normal in the sense that anyone would really believe it.

But, when you think about her spending basically 18 months with him, then the $200,000 figure doesn't sound so ridiculous. Now, if you are a romantic you could say that the renegotiation Chris undertook after the marriage was because he was feeling sympathetic that she had stuck with him through 18 months of good and bad times including those 24 hour marathons of Mango and that movie where he plays a fake FBI agent. If you are a cynic you can say he upped the dough because he was trying to hide something and she was going to spill all. Either way, as her attorney told TMZ, "My client is very relieved that she can leave this two month marriage with some resources that will allow her to rebuild her life."

A Time For Heroes - Pediatric AIDS Benefit

Molly beats Tara because I've known Molly longer. Hmmmm. Where did she get the shirt?

Not quite the top, but she still looks really good.
Before you eat that cupcake Jamie, think about those recent photos of your sister.
Hey. A redneck with a beer belly. Keeping the tradition alive.
All that's missing from LC's outfit is Roy Clark in a cornfield playing a banjo.

"Hey blondie. I said the tribe has spoken. That means no more reading time for you."
They should be close. He's probably wearing her clothes under his.
An autograph Carmen will always treasure.
It has been too long since Taylor Dayne has been around. She looks great.

Melissa Rivers goes to carny school. Hey its good work and good people. She'll fit right in. She and the bearded lady are sharing a double wide.

This is going to be shorter than normal because it is going to be a busy day. However, no matter how busy I am, there is always time for Four For Friday. Yes, that tradition that spans the ages all the way back to about what? Friday after Thanksgiving, something like that. Anyway, look for it at the lunch hour Pacific Time as usual.

One thing I do not normally do is link to photos that are NSFW. Not to say that I do not look at them, but I think we all know where to find them if we want to look so it is not something I need to do. With that being said, I just had to link to this photo of Ashlee Simpson's nipple slip. As much as it looks like her friend is the one who made it all happen, that is for another time, another story, or perhaps a blind item. The reason I am linking is simply to ask the following question. Has Papa Joe looked at the pic, and if so how many times?

Has anyone ever seen a picture of David Letterman taken by the pap? I have never seen one until now which is why I just had to link to this recent one with his son. He does look a little pissed or a little hungover or both. I will always take Dave over Jay. It will be really interesting to see what Conan vs. Dave is like next year though.

Aaaaah, the wonderful time right after the holidays when all the love, romance and affection is thrown out the window for breakup after breakup after breakup. First we had Cameron and Justin, then today we had Marilyn Manson and Dita von Teese split. They had seven years together, but once they got married, it took less than a year to say bye bye. Now comes news that Billy Crudup who left his about to give birth girlfriend for Claire Danes has now given Claire the boot because she decided to utter the word marriage. Hmmmm. Dita wants to be married, Marilyn does not. Claire wants to be married and Billy does not. OK, so the way I have this figured out is that Billy and Marilyn need to move into together. Billy will probably not even notice that Marilyn is a guy. That leaves Claire and Dita. See, this is reality television in the making. The only thing that could make it better is the mystery couple. Who would the mystery couple be? Well I do not think it is accidental that Justin broke up with Cameron right after she confessed to a crush on Pamela Anderson. And at least until the next party or beach vacation, Pam is single. Therefore we throw them into the mix. Pam would do it for sure. The only hit movies Cameron is in lately are those involving animated characters so she might decide to give it a shot.

On a happier note, Chris Kattan got engaged over the weekend. (yes, to a woman. What is wrong with you people?) Of course they are not going to get married until 2008 and her name is Sunshine. But, I know it is going to last. Plus he has some new movies coming out so publicity is always good. In other engagement and wedding news that no one really cares about, Lisa Ling got engaged to a doctor, and Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Espositio got married. So, Bradley was good in Wedding Crashers and I do care that Jennifer Esposito got married. Cross Jennifer off, but put Kate back on.

Now for the really important part of this morning's post. I FINALLY got some photos of the punisherz NYE gig in Australia. I have heard rumors that this is the beginning of the farewell tour for the group so do catch them before they are no more or at least all living in LA with another name. By the way, the guy in this group is the host of Australian Idol. In the photo on the right he seems to be channeling a little Freddie Mercury. I am just glad he is not channeling Ryan Seacrest. There is no way Seacrest could ever have that much fun. EVER.