What A Pain In The Ass

Chace Crawford has put his foot down. Not hard, but more like a shuffle step, shuffle with a side of jazz hands. In an interview with OK! Magazine, Chace said that he wants to be taken seriously as an actor and doesn't want to only be known for his body and good looks. Therefore he has made it clear to the writers and producers of Gossip Girl that he will only appear topless when it is necessary to the script.

Ummm. Chace. You are on a show about teenagers, for teenagers on a network that is about to go out of business. This might be your only shot at fame and you should milk it for all its worth. You will have plenty of time to prove you are an actor when the show gets canceled and you are auditioning with 100 other better looking actors for that Hallmark Channel film of the month.

Don't think it will happen? Think you are too huge? Yeah, why don't you go to IMDB and type in Beverly Hills 90210 and see what all those guys are up to now. Oh, and they were way more popular than you.

One scene in particular that Chace found particularly offensive was this:

"There was an episode where we were crashed out on the sofa after a big night out and they wanted me to wake up in my boxers, so I argued with them about it," he said.

"I mean, first of all, who gets wasted with their buddy, and smokes weed and then strips down to their boxers before they pass out on the couch?

"No one does that. Why am I naked on my buddy's couch? It was weird so I fought it."

No one said anything about being naked Chace. It was boxers. Are you trying to tell us that maybe it happened in some other way in your real life? It's ok. No one is going to judge.

In the meantime, take your whiny, pale, chest waxing, non face shaving, can't tell if you are a girl or a guy, inflated sense of worth and shut the hell up. And while you are at it, take off your shirt and give the guys and girls what they want.

Olivia Thirlby Who?

Have you heard of Olivia Thirlby? Yes, she was in Juno and played Leah. Other than that? Nothing. Well guess what? She's in a new film called The Wackness with Mary Kate Olsen and Ben Kingsley. Still haven't heard of her? Well she got hired to co-star with Seth Rogen in his new film Pineapple Express. Then she must have pissed someone off or been the worst actress in the world because they fired her. Do you know how bad you have to suck to get fired after they hire you? She must have pissed off someone or, as I said she could have been the worst actress in the world. I tend to think it is a little bit of both. She got replaced by Amber Heard. You remember Amber don't you? I had some of her photos on the site recently and all of you said she looked like death. How bad do you have to suck in this world to be replaced by death? The producers were so desperate to get rid of you they chose a woman who made those recent Courtney Love photos look like a f**king Hawaiian Tropic ad.

Anyway, the reason this has me all worked up is because of all of you. See, in an attempt to give you more snark with more access, I arranged for someone to go screen The Wackness and then on Thursday is doing these little roundtables with the stars of the film that are made available. Richard, who has written a couple of things for the site is doing the interviews. So you know there will be snark. Well Mary Kate and Ben Kingsley aren't doing any press for this film. That leaves the second rung of actors in the film. Method Man definitely on board with CDAN. Josh Peck? Absolutely wants to do it.

Olivia Thirlby? Her reps decided that CDAN wasn't an appropriate site for her. An appropriate site? This b*tch can't get arrested. She should be sucking up to AARP magazine and Highlights for interviews. Not appropriate? You have got to f**king kidding me. See, the thing is, everyone who gets interviewed would probably get some love at least for a week or so. It isn't like you are going to be interviewed and then get a free pass forever. It doesn't work that way. But, at least you know you are going to get mentioned more frequently than you otherwise would and lets face it, I'm not going to be a complete ass to you.

HOWEVER, if your name is Olivia Thirlby you better never take a bad photo because it will be on the site constantly. You better never do something stupid like getting fired from an A list film like Pineapple Express. Whoops. Like Chutes and Ladders baby and you got that long ass chute that goes from like 99 back to 6. Olivia better never smoke or drink in public. She better never do anything anytime because frankly, she isn't good enough to tell you or me or any of us to f**k off. If she thinks she's good enough now, what happens when she finally does sleep with the right person and gets a movie? Then what? She will be an even bigger b*tch.

Now with that being said, enjoy the interviews Richard. Make sure you ask Method Man and Josh Peck if she was a b*tch to them also.

Kind Of Like That Lynne Spears Parenting Book

As you all know I am a fan of Alec Baldwin and his acting. His personal life? Not so much. His ego? Not so much. Alec Baldwin is penning a book. I think this is quite possibly the first time I have used the word penning in this blog. Almost 4,000 posts and my first penning. You would have thought I would have had some sex and sheep story and needed to use the word penning, but it hasn't come up. Oh, I'm sure there has been a sex and sheep story, but it hasn't come up here.

Anyway, back to the big egos and how they think they can help. Alec has decided that he can share his valuable insights into the world of divorce and talk about the best way families can handle divorce. Ummm. Yeah. The book is entitled A Promise To Ourselves. He doesn't explicitly slam Kim Basinger in it, because hey it is a book about advice on custody rights and co-parenting strategies.

Hopefully at some point he offers the tip that it might be wise from referring to your daughter as a thoughtless little pig. Alec compares being divorced to "being tied to the back of a pick-up truck and dragged down a gravel road". I'm sure Kim Basinger felt like her marriage was like that every day.

I also on a personal level find the analogy that Alec chose to be a bit disturbing because when I conjure up that image, I don't see Alec being dragged, I see that James Byrd Jr. case in my mind. I know what Alec was trying to say, just wish he would have spent an extra two minutes and thought of something different.

This Is Why Pimpa Should Stop Managing Jessica

I'm sure that somewhere deep inside Jessica's contract for Blonde Ambition Ambition, is some type of provision which guarantees Jessica a theatrical release of her film. To me that is an unnecessary clause. If the film is good, it will get distribution and that language is just not needed. If the film is for crap, then just run away from it quickly. Instead of being happy with the fee for BlondePimpa Joe probably told the studios that he wanted his theatrical release. He probably told them that with Jessica being the darling of Texas and Cowboys fans all over the world that they would line up for hours to see his daughter up on the big screen. "Don't forget fellas Luke Wilson is also from Texas and so you know he must have someone who will see it also."

Luke's family is smart and he probably told them during filming to stay the hell away from the film. The only good thing for Luke was that during the filming he got to see Jessica changing clothes in the trailer sometimes and her screaming when John Mayer was around.

Anyway, instead of just walking away, Pimpa plays the ass. He gets his 8 Texas theatres, makes Jessica show up at a Cowboys game, and has her shop all around Dallas for a week before the release of the film. $1200 later, the ugly fat guy who went around buying tickets at all the theaters is out his cash, and even more humiliated. Instead of just letting the story fade to oblivion which it would have done several weeks ago, Joe has made it worse. Now, Jessica suffered the humiliation of no one going to see the film and thus being hammered about it for another week. She will be eligible for a Razzie so will be humiliated in the future. Plus she has Pimpa for a father and who only cares about how much money he makes and not about his daughter. If he cared, he could have shut this whole process down weeks ago. Instead he talked her into going to a Cowboys game, pimping herself around Dallas and selling photos of her there to the paps, and finally allowing her to have the worst opening ever for a film release.

When he got done watching her sleep Christmas Eve or Pete and Ashlee doing it and went in and wished Jessica "Merry Christmas," she should have kicked him in the balls and then fired him.

The Drug Abuse Has Damaged Fergie's Brain

I really like the headline Fergie must be back on drugs, but unfortunately after considering the monthly alimony checks, and my gambling habit, I decided I couldn't afford to take any chances and so toned it down a little bit. But, really the only other possible alternative is that Fergie did so many drugs in her youth that they have addled her brain, and not in a Keith Richards, goofy kind of smoking his dad's ashes way.

In her Woman Of The Year interview with Blender Magazine, Fergie compared herself to Princess Diana because she feels she appeals to the public in the exact same way. She says that because she can relate to everyone whether they be rich or poor, or black or white is exactly the same way that Princess Diana related to everyone in the world. She says, "People put celebrities on a pedestal and act like they're perfect. But I'm more like the people's artist - the same way Diana was 'the people's princess.' "I'm a little more human than other artists. I'm not afraid to show my flaws." Well, I will give her this. Fergie is definitely not afraid to show her flaws. She probably doesn't think she has any, but then again judging by the way she usually looks, she probably hasn't looked in a mirror since the last one she used to organize her meth.