Friday, August 21, 2009

Ted C. Blind Items

OMG, two heterosexual Blind Vices in a row! What's the world coming to? And guess what? This installment, just like last week's horror, is also about a supposed lady-killer who just somehow finds himself not really able to follow through—in every sense of the word. Here's what went down, or rather, didn't:

Horace Hum-Brow likes to play up his slightly nebbish, dork-dude appeal. It's certainly worked for the sorta good-lookin' horndog in the past, as Horry bags babes (entirely of the female variety, no Toothy Tile-type here, for sure) all the time. So much so, these femmes don't really have time to compare notes; they're all so busy getting pissed about his all-too-often abrupt departures and then his requisite brush-offs thereafter. He's a real skank, this one.

But guess what? Horace's questionable bedroom MO is finally catching up with him! Some of his castoff gals have now convened, and guess what sexual failing Hum-Brow's exhibited for each babe in question? Well, it turns out...

Horace must still be oh-so excited about all the tail his boob-tube fame gets him because once he's entered his partners, that's where it all stops. Uh, what do you mean, exactly?

"He just goes in and parks," complained one pretty sweetheart who'd had the misfortune of having a brief affair with Mr. Hum-Brow, whose famous name is probably what reels in half his conquests. "I thought maybe it was just a one time thing," added our between-the-sheets source. "So I tried it again in the morning, and then bam! He parked again! Just goes in and doesn't do a damn thing. It's awful!"

Regardless of the circumstances of coitus frozenitis, this much is clear: HHB doesn't try to please his partner in any other fashion, either. He just sort of nonperforms and then gets outta there! Über-douche!

Jeez, bro, what's your prob? Premature ejaculation? Not really into girls after all but keep trying to convince yourself otherwise? Or are ya just doin' the typical male thing and not caring about your partner at all? In any case, don't think you're gonna have so many babes to disappoint pretty soon, 'cause they're all stating to blab...about time, too.

And It Ain't: Jeremy Piven, Jerry Ferrara, Kevin Connolly

35 comments:

lesliet said...

Hmmm...all the "ain'ts" are from Entourage...!

Princess Shyness said...

The clues sound like it's Steve Carrell, but I thought he was married . . .

Princess Shyness said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MontanaMarriott said...

Adrien Grenier?

writeaway-22 said...

Zach Braff?

Dijea said...

lesliet I noticed the all Entourage Ain'ts too.

Maybe its Kevin Dillon -the syllables fit.

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

I think writeaway-22 is on to something. Zach Braff fits "his slightly nebbish, dork-dude appeal. It's certainly worked for the sorta good-lookin' horndog" PERFECTLY.

The NOTS make me think Entourage, but Grenier doesn't fit the above description at all.

Pookie said...

alex balwin.

ashley said...

adrien grenier

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Who's a slightly nebbish sorta good-lookin' dork-dude who is on Entourage?

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

How about Seth Green?

Jamie's Girl said...

He has a famous name. If he causes any friction, he might get an STD!

chopchop said...

John Krasinski

bflogurl said...

I thought Zack Braff as well.

Ms Cool said...

David Spade?

figgy said...

Kevin Dillon--the "name" reference is cuz of his brother...maybe?

Sis said...

I thought David Spade as well.

.robert said...

Zach Braff

Sarah said...

Were any of these women at all vocal about it at the time? I know men who don't know the first thing about pleasing a woman (despite having had sex with a lot of people). Did any of these women suggest that *they* be on top and get a little movement going?

A woman who just lies there and doesn't say anything and then bitches about it behind the guy's back is a total cooz.

figgy said...

@Sarah, that's funny but so true!

Maybe it's because these women are so young. With Hollywood's youth fetish, what these guys gain in tautness, they might well be giving up in sexual confidence and skill. I mighta laid there too when I was 20. Now? No way! ;-P

lana said...

seth green for sure

Ror said...

I'm sure I'm wrong, but Colin Hanks (Tom's son), is what first came to me.

It's the "Hum-brow, dork-dude" and famous name remarks.

Sarah said...

@figgy...you are so right about the takeover of youth and their lack of confidence which is masked by bravado and attitude!

Also, I was just thinking that some of these women were probably faking it very loudly at the time, right? God, no wonder this guy has no skills, if all he has to go on are the porno-style fake orgasms of his partners. This poor guy probably thinks he's a huge stud who *can* make a woman come just by his mere presence.

maisydayz said...

BDT

cdanluva said...

either Hugh Grant or the "mac" guy - (that guy who was dating Drew Barrymore)

BlindSammy said...

it's GOT to be justin long, the mac guy

littlemanwhatnow said...

what about michael cera from arrested development? he is pretty new to the scene and a totall cheezy douche. i love the show too!

EDB said...

Didn't Michael Cera just recently break up with his girlfriend though? I originally thought him but this guy sounds like he's been single for a long while and Cera hasn't.

Caroline said...

Gross.

Impertinent Vixen said...

Well, if it IS Justin Long, how ironic, because he's "just in" pretty short, sounds like.

Judi said...

Michael Cera does NOT bag a lot of babes. Ew.
As much as I'd looove this to be about Grenier, Braff is known for having been with a lot girls. The others, not so much.

femconsult said...

andy samberg

Laura said...

seth green is a good guess because of his recurring role on entourage.

libby said...

Guys, he says the dude's fame was 'boob-tube' = television.

Not Michael Cera and not Justin Long. (He is NOT just the Mac dude, he gets a lot of movies.)

Mrs George Glass said...

I third the Kevin Dillon guess! The 'sorta good looking' and 'famous name' bits fit him to a t - he's always been thought of as the lesser Dillon, so I can imagine his groupies having a 'you'll do' approach. And, of course, all the 'ain'ts' are the rest of the supporting cast of Entourage. I think Fruzzy is Grenier, so it would make a certain sense Ted is getting a few stories at once from Entourage groupies.