Friday, February 08, 2008

Ted C Blind Item

Furrowed Frank is such a mainstay in contemporary entertainment, visible everywhere on screens big and small. ‘Course, many a pop culture aficionado insists what F2 does is definitely not entertainment, but it is. Indeed, the dude’s whole life is as meticulously written as his hair is coiffed. And that ain’t just my big-hair Texas exaggeration shootin’ off, trust.
Here’s how F2’s love life plays out, for ince. Oh, and need you even guess? Yes, bien sûr, F.F. is a closeted gay man, do they not make any other kind in this biz any more? I swear, I really do think we’re regressing since the time of Rock Hudson and that ersatz marriage to his secretary. I mean, get real. Andy Dick and his dubious hangers-on are practically the only friggin’ tier of boy-swingin’ guys to come clean, save a few souls like T.R. Knight, who was forced outta the closet, anyway.

Look, Furrowed had a b-f for a while, all fairly discreet 'n' stuff, never really got out there that much in the gay-sniffing zeitgeist that’s so increasingly prevalent...our apologies if this Vice department’s only expedited that dynamic, but I think it would have happened anyway. Now, F2 and his man have busted up. And since since Frank is under such tremendous pressure to perform before his mouthwatering public, Franky-poo’s needs must not go unmet, correct?

Furrowed’s trainer sure seems to think so. The big ol’ cut and ab-perf hunk has taken it upon himself to procure dates for Furrowed. And the damn guy’s straight! But that doesn’t stop him from interviewing potential exquisitely muscled men on the floor of the gym where he trains F.F., usually beginning with a query such as, “How would you feel if a big celebrity found you attractive and wanted to go out with you?”

Initial response is key here. If the boy’s dark eyes (as they almost always are, as Mr. F loves him some Latino lovin’) light up instantly, that’s usually a signal to go to the next step, which is either making the intro right there on the gym floor, or an almost immediate dinner or coffee setup. See, F ain’t got much time.

We could blame it on his pressing and highly visible work schedule, s'pose, but that wouldn’t really be accurate. More to the nooky-crazed point would be that Frank is much more interested in moving on to the next bulging find his trainer procures for him—rather than getting to know any of the fixed-up fellas, at all.

How long will it be before one of the quickly discarded dudes gets supersteamed and goes to the tabs, we wonder? Not very.

91 comments:

c said...

Ryan Seacrest?

ljvedder said...

David Blaine -

1. "pressure to perform before his mouthwatering public" - he did a drowned alive stunt
2. "big and small screen" -he has been in movies and on the tv
3. he works out constantly for his next stunt
4. "pressing and highly visible work schedule" - he is about to do a sleep deprivation stunt.

Jolara said...

You could be right C, anyone who reads Ted knows he despises Ryan. But it throws me off with the workout trainer (Ryan isn't that cut) and it says big and small screen.

Who's that guy ENT was making fun of not too long ago in random photos with his hair all up & goofy? I'll go back and look...

Jolara said...

oh forget it, I can't find it. Probably not who I was thinking of anyways.

sauvage said...

Jolara, the guy Ent made fun of WAS Ryan Reynolds. Ent said something about his being too big to fit in the picture.

sauvage said...

... about his hair being to big to fit in the picture. Jesus Christ, can't type as fast as I think!

Jolara said...

LOL, I don't think the blind is about him...and thanks sauvage for helping me out.

Les Suckno For President said...

Sounds like Mcconagay to me.

ljvedder said...

perfectly-coiffed hair means well taken care of and cut nicely...it doesn't mean big hair.

debra said...

I'd have a guess if I could decipher a sentence. LOL. I love Ted C but he's so wordy and alliterated.

DNfromMN said...

First guess: Donald Trump - but there's no comment to his marriage or kids.

Second guess: Anderson Cooper - has he done any movie stuff? Andy's rumored to have had a latino boyfriend in the past.

jolara - the "cut and ab-perf hunk" is the trainer, not F2.

My Ted-lation:
"Furrowed Frank" is someone who does movies and TV. He either does something that most people don't like, OR something that isn't traditionally seen as entertainment (I read that as news, directing, writing, something not flashy). His life is practically scripted.

FF recently got/dumped his s.o., and was never pegged as being gay before.

Now FF is using his hunky straight trainer to audition Latino boys at the gym for FF to manhandle and throw away.

FF is always in the public eye, and always working so he doesn't have time to seek out on his own.

Pope-rah said...

Anderson Cooper is known for loving the latinos and had a long term boyfriend for a while. He's definitely been hitting the gym.

MontanaMarriott said...

I like the Andersen Cooper/Ryan Seacrest guess.

As for David Blaine, it's not him, he is into Trannies, don't ask me how I know that, I JUST DO, lol

Twisted Sister said...

EL has done blinds on Seacrest and McConaughey and Furrowed Frank was not the handle he used for either of them, so it can't be them.

I thought of Anderson Cooper, but he's done nothing on big screen.

Twisted Sister said...

AND Anderson Cooper has been rumored to be gay for some time.

Twisted Sister said...

Correction - I meant Ted has done blinds on Seacrest and McConaughey.

No sleep last night - sorry!

c said...

Ryan had a cameo in Knocked Up, so he's been on the big screen.

But y'all are right, he's not exactly ripped.

mngddess said...

My first though was Simon Cowell... but he's not in film.

"he's under tremendous pressure to perform in front of his mouthwatering public"...

do we have any chef's on reality shows with perfectly coiffed hair?

Man, I suck at this stuff...

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Ryan Seacrest, all the way.

Twisted Sister said...

Cyn, I think you could be on to something. Mouthwatering public is a weird phrase. Could be a chef.

NOT SEACREST PEOPLE! You must not read Ted regularly.

ms_wonderland said...

I always seem to be the one to bring the 'and it ain'ts' Alec baldwin, Ty Pennington and Justin Timberlake. Had to Google Ty, he's a makeover show carpenter and presenter. So are we looking for a reality show type, a singer or a lesser Baldwin?

Visman said...

Ryan Reynolds was the guy in the picture that EL said has poofy hair that didn't fit in the frame.

Kaitlin said...

I thought Anderson Cooper was openly gay, not closeted?

Jolara said...

OMG, could it be Chef Ramsey? LOL I realize he's married, but there have been sightings of him and another fella a few times in compromising positions.

lyz said...

I like to cooking guess. What about the Hell's Kitchen guy...Ramsey??? He's definately entertaining, but not an actor. He has a busy schedule. He's got a good body, looks like he goes to the gym. Now, he's married. Ted didn't say if the guy is/isn't married.

lyz said...

Wait, I forgot about the big screen part. I guess Ramsey doesn't fit. My bad.

lyz said...

Ramsey has big hair....

Jolara said...

He's cut and some of the adjectives fit, except if it were him, you would think it would somehow mention his temper. Although, that could be a dead giveaway then.

Twisted Sister said...

According to imdb, Gordon Ramsey is in a documentary filming now:

Tattoos: A Scarred History (2008) (filming)


It sure could be him, I think.

michele said...

i love chef ramsey!

Twisted Sister said...

The ain'ts could be -

Has a temper like Alec Baldwin.
Does reality tv like Ty Pennington.


No clue about the Justin Timberlake connection.

lyz said...

I'm gonna stick with Ramsey until someone convinces me otherwise. He's not a total fit b/c Ted says "visible everywhere on screens big and small" I'm not convinced that the current documentary fits since it's just filming now.

Are there any other hot male chefs on the big screen? I agree that "mouthwatering audience" is a huge clue.

Visman said...

based on the aints I'd go with Evan Farmer.

Twisted Sister said...

Unless mouth watering audience refers to men and women who lust after him - which I would think brings us back to Anderson Cooper - but the big screen thing is the hitch.

jax said...

sorry but explain to me how a tv chef fits this? the man is happily married with kids...does not fit you must aquit.

Twisted Sister said...

We're just throwing names out there, nobody is convinced of anything yet.

Flashy_Shades said...

seacrest does those mouthwash commercials, but i'm with twisted and don't think this is how ted would have described him.

lyz said...

okay, so let's start over.

who's very active in both TV and Film, and is fit?

jax said...

this sounds like an actor that started in tv..then moved on to tv..the Cloon? no wait he's geriatric now..so no working out.
i think this has to be a bigger name than anderson cooper.

i suck at guessing but im not feeling any of the guesses either.
ill just shut it and go back to work now..lol. TGIF!

Alice.W said...

Geriatric, are you kidding?

michele said...

what's throwing me is it says "many a pop culture aficionado (fans) insists what f2 does is definately not entertainment, but it is". i think that's why people were trying to guess something other than an actor.

lyz said...

WAIT!!!!

What about MCDREAMY??? He's on TV and film. He's got the hair thing going on. He's reasonably fit. Lots of women think he's hot.

Not sure what this means though,
"Course, many a pop culture aficionado insists what F2 does is definitely not entertainment, but it is."

Twisted Sister said...

Jax, we all suck, but together....we still suck. No, we suck less!

Flashy_shades, the problem I have with Ryan Seacrest is Ted has done a blind with him giving blowjob's to the late Merv Griffin in order to get his plum jobs. The name Ted used for him wasn't Furrowed Frank, so it can't be Ryan.

George isn't geriatric, but I don't think he's gay, although I know YOU'RE convinced he is, Jax. I don't think it's him though.

Lyz, that's a great thought! Is he thought to be gay?

lyz said...

"mainstay in contemporary entertainment, visible everywhere on screens big and small"

Ryan Seacrest isn't big screen.

Who fits this? Forget the other details...maybe we can start here...

lyz said...

T Sister: Well, since they guy is still in the closet and is "fairly discreet and stuff", I would think that we would be surprised by the answer...maybe he's not one of the usual suspect...

Visman said...

Evan Farmer is the host of While You Were Out, gained fame playing a member of a boy band 2get-her or something like that (opening act for Spears), has done several movies, and is a guest host of TRL. He's got a gym body and is 34 or 35 and never been married. He's got great hair as well. I think he fits some of the clues and relates to some of the 'aints'.

lyz said...

Visman, with the details you gave Evan Farmer does seem to fit. Am I the only person who doesn't know who he is? I just googled him and I still don't remember him.

michele said...

the only thing i know of that "die hard fans" would argue is NOT entertainment is wrestling or something like that. they think that shit is real, you can't convince my husband's 90 year old grandmother that it's fake.

is there something like that or am i way off fucking base?

michele said...

on wiki it says farmer's been married since 2006.

Visman said...

My bad, I didn't realize he'd gotten married.

WriterMommy said...

When I read this my first thought was Clooney. There are people out there who swear he's bi. Plus he's been on TV & in film. Don't know about his temper though...has anyone heard anything about that?

I could be wrong...just a hunch.

michele said...

i keep thinking some kind of chef. ONLY because:
mouthwatering (public)
dinner or coffee setup
super steamed

trashtalker said...

Mario Lopez?

Johnny Knoxville? Crazy hair, though.

John Cena?

jax said...

what about the Rock? big and small screen,gay icon and ladies love him.

geriatric meaning Georgy ain't working out for his next stunt,his back is fooked up.

jax said...

you know what..as i reread Td..it's totally him LOL.

Furrowed brow? check..die hard fans..check. tv check movies check.

Kimmy said...

The "visible everywhere" and "definitely not entertainment" parts automatically made me think of Donald Trump.

michele said...

john cena raps?!

bippy said...

ok, i was inspired by lainey's first post today -- could this be justin timberlake?

-- mainstay in contemporary entertainment
-- visible everywhere
-- perfectly coiffed hair
-- not on the closeted-gay radar
-- funky furrowed forehead when he emotes
-- jessica biel's bf

maybe?

voice of reason said...

Carrot top? If "perfectly coifed" is a bit of a jab? Movie, TV, not really entertaining, buff, rumored to be gay, and his name justifies the "mouth-watering" reference.

michele said...

ms_wonderland said...
I always seem to be the one to bring the 'and it ain'ts' Alec baldwin, Ty Pennington and Justin Timberlake.

bippy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kinsey said...

I immediately thought Seacrest also...

lyz said...

The Rock...now that's not a bad guess.

bippy said...

oops, sorry! (will read more carefully next time)

if it ain't jt, then my money's on clooney -- i'm on the 'he's bi' bandwagon.

white lorelei said...

You know what often gets argued about being "entertainment"? Professional wrestling.

How about Hulk Hogan?

Both names start with same letter ... so does the nickname.

Temper, Reality Show .... daughter's a pop singer (ala Justin Timberlake)?

Just sayin' ....

Rebecca said...

I think the guy is Southern, hence the Texas reference and JT as an ain't.

notvotingforsuckno said...

In support of the Rock: he uses the phrases "Mouth watering" and "steamed". Is this a reference to "Can you smell what the Rock is cookin'"
DON'T ask me how I know that phrase!

notvotingforsuckno said...

Oh, and he does that cocked eyebrow thing, hence the "Furrowed". Jax, you may be right on this one. And I might have watched too much wrestling in college.

jax said...

right on...beers for everyone!

notvoting- that was all the clues i picked up on too. the brow got me. plus did he not have a role where he was all about his hair in it? thinking..

lyz said...

I'm liking The Rock. I too thought of Hulk Hogan, but I'm leaning towards Rocky. That's a shame, b/c I've always thought he's hot.

notvotingforsuckno said...

Haha Jax, you just did not want to mention those clues and "out" yourself as a Rock fan. You let me do your dirty work.

jax said...

LOL!

Twisted Sister said...

Well, good job peeps. I know nothing about the Rock, but based on what you're posting, he sounds like a winner.

mulling said...

Hi, I believe it's Fabio....wiki info supports the tv and movie parts of the blind and given his pop-culture persona no way he'd want his sexual preferences getting back to his swooning female fans. The hair of course, speaks for itself.

Visman said...

The Rock was married for years and has a child. Divorced I think in 2007 or separarted at least.

kathryn said...

What about Zac Effron?

caliente pocket said...

The Rock seems to fit pretty well (although, I don't think of him when I hear meticulously coiffed. Isn't his hair generally closely cropped?). The blind doesn't seem to say much about FF's past relationships... like if he's been married before. There's the little reference to Rock Hudson's marriage of convenience, so I guess it's not entirely out of the question.

Ooh... Rock Hudson.

(I need to get out more often)

white lorelei said...

Ooh ooh ooh .... Rock is a PERFECT wrestler guess .... so much better than Hulk Hogan.

One of the "and it's not" is Justin Timberlake, who had a hit record "ROCK your body".

...Does Ted really apply that much thought to anything?

billy said...

Furrowed indicates obvious wrinkles; coiffed hair, tv & movies, visible everywhere, visible work schedule...sounds like Clooney. His hair is obviously dyed & styled & he obviously works out, has wrinkles, a busy schedule & is visible everywhere.

DNfromMN said...

Y'know, I wasn't on with The Rock guess b/c of the perfectly coiffed. But he keeps his High'n'tight, which is a pretty meticulous haircut. The 'meticulously written' life could also reference the wrestling thing.

The movie he was in where he was all about his hair was "Be Cool". Also, recently starred in Southland Tales w/ JT.

but as I look back on it: The Rock isn't everywhere like he used to be. Where's his "pressing and highly visible work schedule"?

white lorelei said...

Well, Rock's got 3 movies going -- Get Smart is completed so he's got press to do, Witch Mountain is in pre-production, and Shazam has been "announced" .... I suppose that could be a pressing work schedule?

gossipbebeh said...

i'm going on a different tack and say Hulk Hogan.
When Ted say "many a pop culture aficionado insists what F2 does is definitely not entertainment, but it is" it totally makes think of wrestling...

I know he was married & has kids, but so does most of hollywood. Because Tom & Katie are totally for real right?

Lilivonshtupp said...

Why are people guessing George Clooney? Who doesn't think what George Clooney does is entertainment?

erica said...

just a total out there guess... but how about ashton? he's on TV and movies and he's highly visible all the time? they talk about rock hudson and being married and ashton is married. his tv show Punkd could qualify for "not entertainment but it is." he's very fit and definitely has a look going on with his hair. and also, didn't he used to hang around puff daddy who is also...ahem...rumored to be gay????

iknowiknow, it's probably not him, but just a guess

Judi said...

Like Kathryn, myy guess is Zac Efron.
The phrase "the dude's whole life is as meticulously written as his hari is coiffed..." doesn't sound to me like it's The Rock. But as a Disney(-controlled) kid, it fits Zac. And he's had a crazy schedule for a while now... Hairspray, and all the HSMusicals.
Nothing here fits Clooney. No, he doesn't color his hair; he's salt and pepper. No, he can't work out because he has serious back problems that have affected his appetite and he has lost a lot of weight. If he worked out, he'd be buffer.

crichmond1000@yahoo.com said...

JT - "Rock your Body", Alec Baldwin is on "30 Rock"!! I don't have a "rock" reference for Ty P.

arecibo said...

Pierce Brosnan popped into my head..

MadLyb said...

Dear God, please don't let it be Julian McMahon!

michele said...
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michele said...
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corrine said...

i know this is wrong, wrong, wrong, but my first thought was harvey levin from tmz