Thursday, July 26, 2012

Your Turn

If you cheat on your partner, do you admit it, or do you hope they never find out?

78 comments:

Barton Fink said...

I'm not expecting a bunch of personal testimonials on this one!

BigMama said...

How about you just don't freaking do it. Thats always an option.

me said...

I don't cheat, I break up if it's not working. But unfortunately I have been the one to find out later that a couple guys were cheating w/ me on their girlfriend/wives...and I again dumped them!

pilly said...

Ok. Judgement

I've done it

I didn't tell. Why not? I was never asked!! I'm not w him anymore and I still wouldn't tell

(yes I did go to confession!!!)

Karen said...

I've heard before that if it was a one-time thing that will NEVER happen again and there's no chance that you could give your significant other an STD or something that you shouldn't confess. Confessing assuages your guilt so that YOU feel better even though you're hurting the person you love most in the process.

I have zero experience with this myself, thank God.

Issaissi said...

I don't get in relationships simply because I don't want to be tied down with one guy. No drama, no fuss.

RenoBlondee said...

Agree, @*karen* It's a selfish thing if it goes down that way.

Never cheated on my spouse, but did cheat on my boy friend when I was a wee young thang. I did not tell.

rflairfan1 said...

I have never been in a relationhip but I have been with married men.

Caraface said...

I've never cheated, but I've been very, very, tempted. Ultimately, I realized I owed my partner more respect than that, and we mutually decided to part ways.

I see cheating as less of a black and white thing as most people. I'll never think cheating is okay, but I can understand why it happens, sometimes. If I cheated, I'd probably tell, as I'm the type that can't sit on a secret like that. It eats at me.

Amber said...

So I have some kind of funny input on this one.

I've been watching Felicity on Netflix, and at some point in the series she gets assigned to a counselor, because she got in trouble for "fixing" her boyfriend's essay. Later in the series she cheats on him. She asks her counselor if she should tell, and the counselor asks if telling him is for him to know the truth, or for her to release the burden of knowing what she did - Is it going to HELP him to know the truth if it was a one-time deal of bad judgment?

If you're a celebrity and you do it, you may as well fess up because with the way the rags/internet are nowadays you're never getting away with it.

Amber said...

Oh, that being said, I certainly don't condone it. It's not nice.

seaward said...

Pretty much what *karen* said. I've only cheated on one person. I was 18. I made out with my ex-boyfriend, broke up with my current boyfriend the next day but didn't tell him. He was a really nice guy and I felt like it just would have made him even sadder. He didn't deserve that, so I just lived with the guilt.
I got what I deserved anyway by getting back together with my asshole ex-boyfriend.

luckylass said...

I have cheated on boyfriends, but only near the end of the relationships. So, I ended them, but didn't tell them about the cheating. I was a punk then.

I waited over a decade to marry my husband. I am pretty sure I am not ever going to cheat on him.

But if he cheated on me, I would want to know. And I am pretty sure I would know anyway. I have a pretty good instinct that I honed via heartache (and karma!).

Texshan said...

I don't cheat. If I am tempted beyond the idle "that dude's really hot" thought, than obviously something is wrong with the relationship and I either address it or break up.

A few years ago, I had been dating someone for about six months when I found that I was really, really drawn to this other guy I had met (friend of a friend). I thought about it, and realized that I was just bored with my current relationship. That's why guy #2 looked so good to me. So, I broke it off with guy #1 ("it's not you, it's me") and hey presto, all of a sudden guy #2 didn't look so hot. I didn't tell guy #1 I was interested in guy #2, and I never pursued guy #2.

If someone cheats on me, even if it's only once, I would want to know. So I could dump them.

dia papaya said...

But it was an accident. I was naked and he fell. On top of me. And he was naked too.

Totally an accident. I swear!!!!

shauniebear said...

I say hold out and tell them on the Maury show..it's the classy thing to do.

Amber said...

Hahahaha shauniebear! Maury is everything that's right in television.

Texshan said...

Lizjaxe, why have you "been with married men?" Is that a conscious decision on your part?

Anothergrayhare said...

tell them on the Jerry Springer Show. Right after you tell them that you're the opposite sex of whatever they thought you were.....

lolaluvs2snack said...

Take it to the grave, if you aren't caught.

Why ruin someone elses self-esteem because you wanna clear your conscious? Then they are heartbroken wondering what they did wrong.

Keep it to YOURSELF!!!!

If you are caught then full disclosure without resistance.

angie said...

Like a few others have said, been tempted but just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's not that I'm such a goody two shoes or anything, but more because I'd hate for it to happen to me so much that it's kept me in check.

iheartgoss said...

You wait until you get caught then issue a public apology, just to rub it in a little but more...

MISCH said...

It's not worth it, if you feel you want to cheat it's time to move on.

dia papaya said...

I'm not a cheater, but if something happened I'd probably keep it a secret -esp if a one night stand.

My logic is that a one night stand seems less bad then a long term affair - pure lusty sex vs premeditated relationship / feelings.

shag said...

If you are sincere about wanting to improve things for yourself and partner, you should tell.

Lisa (not original) said...

Take it to your grave. Why shit all over someone else to relieve your guilt?

Janet296 said...

If you are cheating, why even bother to be with your partner? There is obviously something missing in you relationship if you need to cheat.

rhinovodka said...

When I was young & didn't know any better, I cheated but only to get back at my then boyfriend. He cheated on me first, so I thought, if he can cheat, why not me? I felt bad though and confessed. He didn't care too much and we parted ways a few months later. Now, that I am older, I would be honest as possible and if the relationship is not working, then we need to go our separate ways.

luckylass said...

@Janet296 - Ive wondered the same. I have lots o brothers who cheat on the their sig others all the time. I have asked them multiple times why they just go on being single, but they even feign innocence with me (I'm their f-ing sister, if you can't be honest with me WTF?).

I think they like the safety net of someone being there for them.

katsm0711 said...

I would never say this out loud, but since I'm (I hope) anonymous here I hope you guys laugh. Sometimes my bf is just a bit too clingy/needy requiring attention and I'm such a loner Capricorn who NEEDS my alone time. Sometimes (and I will never say this out loud) I just want to say to him, just go cheat on me, I can't deal with this right now! And then I realize how upset I would be, how much I love him blah blah blah... I'm totally not a cheater. I feel if you cheat, the relationship is over because you have no communication together which is more important than sex. If I wanted to cheat that would alert me to a problem but we have learned that it's better to get all our feelings out honestly before we do anything behind the others back.

Maddie said...

If it's a one time mistake you really regret, won't do again because you feel so bad, and there's very little chance of anyone finding out. Don't tell. No good can come of it. Channel your energy into being a better partner.

Snapdragon said...

Wouldn't cheat. Haven't cheated. Then again, it's a non-standard thing I'm in anyway. :-)

Lauren said...

If it's a one-time thing that doesn't involve any emotional attachment, don't tell. The guilt is punishment enough without having to hurt the other person by confessing.

If it's a long-term emotional and physical affair, it's time to re-evaluate that relationship.

But then again, take my advice with a grain of salt; I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!

I've cheated in both of my long-term relationships. I confessed to the first boyfriend and instead of dumping me immediately, like he should have, he held it over my head for a year until we were both so miserable we broke up. While we were together he claimed he had "forgiven" me but continued to rehash the situation ad nauseum every single day.

I cheated on my second boyfriend because he treated me so poorly that I felt it was my way of exacting revenge. Even though I never told him, it made me feel better to be as "bad" as he was. That's my most shameful secret and I hope I have grown out of that kind of behavior.

Jamie B said...

Rule #1: If you wouldn't do it in front of your SO, then you shouldn't be doing it. period. No matter what it is.

Buttt, I did cheat on a boyfriend many moons ago. The only time I've ever cheated, and I was so guilt ridden I told him immediately and he forgave me.

I'd much rather be told than find out through some third party later on, that's for sure.

Ms Cool said...

Haven't and wouldn't.

IDoTheRobot said...

I have never and will never. My dad was caught after years of doing it and it tore my family apart.

That being said, if you're not happy just leave! At least have enough respect for the person you are with to do that.

Gtzisshe said...

I have cheated in my younger years. It was a anything you can do I can do better relationship. He cheated, I one upped him. Totally unhealthy.
That being said, my guilt would change my entire persona. My husband would be able to tell. And I would tell him.
Guilt is a mother...

Audrey said...

I never cheated. If I did cheat, I don't think I could ever look into my guy's eyes again, but if I could, I'd take it to the grave.

Frufra said...

Learned my lesson YOUNG on this one - with my best friend's boyfriend at 14! Yeah, she found out, and it wasn't pretty. And I think the whole think might have been a set-up by the both of them all along. Weird but true.

Frufra said...

I used to have nightmares that I'd cheated on Mr. Frufra, though, and those were terrible. I can't imagine dealing with the real guilt of doing something like that to your life partner! Just say no!

Anotheramy said...

I really really wanted to with a guy because he and I talked for hours, he laughed at my jokes, thought I was smart and worldly. Even though there was nothing even resembling sex, I feel like I was more unfaithful that if we had a quick romp and been done with it. I let this guy inside where my deep dark secrets are and he with me. The feeling of intimacy was overwhelming.
The answer is no, I did not tell my husband and don't plan to. I don't ever see or speak to this guy and there is no point in upsetting him over it. Had the relationship turned sexual, I am not sure it would be something I would have been able to keep secret.

Sunny said...

@katsm0711
Oh girl - if I'm remembering your story properly, please listen to my story. Are you the one moving to London? I felt the exact same way about my then-boyfriend from Europe (we met in Bali) that eventually moved here to the U.S to be with me. I started getting the clingy/needy vibe before he came out, but didn't call it off because he sold his apartment and walked away from an amazing career to come. Needless to say, it didn't work out and I am still plagued with guilt that he went back home to nothing. Take it with a grain of salt, and I hope I'm not offending you. You're lovely!

katsm0711 said...

Holy memory Sunny! I hear you and I appreciate your warning! The problem is I need my alone time so badly that I can't even tell him that. Once I tell him, it's cool. He gets clingy when I ignore him because of course it makes him feel insecure. Last night I went to bed without emailing him my goodnight email. I wondered if this was the start of the break but I remembered how we just have a bond. We have broken up a few times and I don't accomplish as much without him. I know it's a bizarre relationship, but I just KNOW. He will be here in 3 weeks!!!!! I see his parents on Skype every day and they are the sweetest, loveliest people and that just reaffirms me I'm right about him. That and my obsession with astrology and numerology which also say we are good for each other! How long were you with yours? So you have a crazy story too! Did you meet on vacation? How long until he moved to you? I have a ton going on right now so when I get stressed I think I need to be alone. My cat has been missing a week, health problems blah blah blah so much stuff and I hate talking about bad things.

Maja With a J said...

I have never cheated, and I'm not sure I could. I know how hurt I'd be if I was cheated on. I would like to say that honesty is the best policy, but in some cases, I think it's better to keep it a secret. But of coyrse, it'd be best if people just stayed faithful.

And I say this as someone who, although again, I've never cheated, has the hots for pretty much any guy that smiles at me right now. I don't know what's going on, but if I were single, I probably would have slept with ALL of you! *L*

0_0 said...

Karen has it right. Cheating is bad enough, don't assuage your conscience by making your SO miserable.

I have had women cheat with me and felt just a little bit bad for the husband; both figured out something was up but neither ended the relationship (the woman did that soon enough). Both had at least 1 child.

I have also been cheated on (yes, karma, hooray). The first time I confronted them, he ran like a chicken, she was disappointed and stopped seeing him. We didn't last, though. The second one time was when she told me she had dinner with a man from her work, I said that's it we're done, she really wanted to stay together and I relented, then she went out with someone else. That was it. Her daughter (my godchild) told me she had been chatting wiht people online, I guess she was ready for a change and was holding auditions.

Don't cheat! Break up if that is what you want

Sunny said...

@katsm0711
I have a FREAKISH memory and the way my mind comes to conclusions - my husband definitely thinks I missed my calling as either a detective or a laywer :) And on that note, I remember your story or how you met!!!!!! I swear I'm not psycho or a stalker. I just have incredible recollection with things I find interesting.

I met my guy in Bali. I won't go into detail about what happened there, but humina humina. We said that was going to be it, but he remembered the name of the company I worked for and called me to say he couldn't stop thinking about me. I used to get free plane tickets to London, so we met up there for a week and decided we wanted to try to see where it went. I went to Denmark for 3 weeks to meet his friends and family, and we had daily phone calls. He moved here to try to make it work, and my idiotic $5,000 immigration lawyer's stellar advice: get married in Vegas, or he's going to have to go home and wait up to a year for an immigration visa. The marriage lasted 6 months :(

I'm like you - I need my alone time. I am crazy outgoing and talkative, but I need at least an hour to goof on my computer and just not make small talk. My other ex-boyfriend totally understood me, and would say Sunny's going to the Ville (meaning, I'm going to Sunnyville where I won't answer phone calls and will read trashy magazines and ignore you)

Best of luck to you. Trust your gut, and all will be bliss :)

Sunny said...

Thou shalt proofread before hitting Publish. Sorry!

Del Riser said...

I've been widowed once and divorced twice, if it's not a good marriage I leave, period.

Now I have the love of my life, would not consider cheating ever.....but if I did, or he did, and it was a one time, no STD thing, take it to your grave.

discoflux said...

I'm not a cheater. If i'm not happy and don't feel the relationship is one I want to work at, I leave.

discoflux said...

BUT - if I DID cheat... I honestly don't know what I'd do. I wouldn't be able to stay with them and keep the secret. I'd probably end up leaving them for their own good.

billybob said...

My hubby is my first and only boyfriend. Reading that makes me feel a bit pathetic! I haven’t ever cheated but that’s probably more to do with the fact that the opportunity has never presented itself. My mother used to tell me that I gave off a vibe to men of not being interested........I was painfully shy until I met my man....and ain’t shy anymore! Hahahahahaha!
Hubby is the only man that knows all my lumps, bumps and saggy things. I couldn’t inflict my saggy things on another human without arranging for counselling for them!

FrenchGirl said...

Recently when my dad is dead,i really didn't bear his death and my mum finally avowed me that my dad wasn't perfect,he had affairs during their marriage (her too)but never they thought to divorce because they were happy together,we were a great familly and the life in a marriage is made of up&down.
i don't care if my boyfriend cheats or cheated me but i want he's honest with me and it's all

Jolene Jolene said...

TECHNICALLY I've never cheated. The one time I suppose I came close was when my ex-boyfriend and I started talking a few months after we broke up. I knew he wanted to get back together but we never had the discussion, so in my mind we weren't technically together. We got in a fight one night and I ended up getting very drunk and kissing a friend of my brother's that I had had a crush on for forever. He wanted to do more, but I couldn't do it. I already felt guilty for (not really) cheating on my (not really) boyfriend. That was a while ago, and every time I see that friend of my brother's I regret not taking him up on his offer! He's a sweetheart but he's dumb as rocks. It would have never turned into anything, but he was SO HOT. Of course I never told the ex.

I'm not a cheater. Never cheated on my husband and don't plan to. It would absolutely tear me apart inside to do that to him and same if he cheated on me. I don't know if I could forgive him if he did.

Besides that, I'm with Maja...I do see hot guys ALL the time, and I definitely get that fleeting "oh you're cute if I were single I'd totally try to make out with you..." But that lasts about 10 seconds and then I usually see another one.

Snapdragon said...

@billybob -- I can relate! 17 years later, first major relationship, still w/ the same person.

"...lumps, bumps and saggy things" and counselling... hahahahahaha!

billybob said...

Hahahaha, Snapdragon I love a good love story. We are probably lucky to have found our men.....but then I also feel that we work at our relationships without really realising the effort we make. Our SOs are worth it though. Me and you should meet up for lunch. My favourite restaurant overlooks the Swansea city football Club in the UK. The view on training days is to die for!

Snapdragon said...

billybob: If I am ever in the UK again I'll take you up on that (west coast of USA, is me)! BTW, SO is not a man, which surprised me more than just anyone else, haha.

Snapdragon said...

just about* -- sheesh

billybob said...

Hahahahaha....Snapdragon. You are awesome! You and any fellow travellers will be very welcome at Chez Billybob!

VeeBee said...

I was cheated on, lied to about it repeatedly, affair would stop and then start up again. It destroyed me. I wish every day I had said "Get the F#@% out of my life!" But I didn't. Eventually I "accepted" the "solution" of polyamory but I am dead inside.

DON'T cheat. If you DO cheat- please have some effing respect and be discreet and be a good liar. Honestly.

El Roy 13 said...

wouldn't cheat

auntliddy said...

Exactly what i think.

Sherry said...

This question was asked of me by my former fiance. I said I wouldn't cheat and he said if you did would you tell me or not. I couldn't win. I was either a liar or a cheat. Dumped his ass.

NOT cheat is still my answer.

Sherry said...

Okay and let me add this is my policy now. When I was younger I was just awful. Finally grew up and realized cheating is painful. And yeah, we BOTH told each other about our indescrtions. We're still friends.

__-__=__ said...

You don't clear your conscience at the expense of theirs. Do no harm.

Snapdragon said...

VeeBee, I'm so sorry you're stuck in a place in which you're 'dead inside', that your experience with polyamory is such a negative one. When everyone's on the same page that arrangement can be wonderful (I know a few extremely successful relationships), but it sounds like you've been bullied into something that you don't really want.

Easier said than done, but it's not too late to kick that jerk to the curb.

Moonmaid said...

I cheated once, many years ago - kissing involved, but no sex, so I guess it was more emotional cheating than anything else, and it had a built in shelf life, since I was away from significant other for a few days. It was unexpected and just happened suddenly - the other party instigated it and he caught me in a weak moment. I knew it was wrong but my SO was also an active addict at the time and I had been going through some emotional abuse for a long time. I guess that's how I justified it - an emotional vaycay. I didn't tell my SO when I returned, but he read my diary and found out anyway. It was a huge mess. One good thing that came out of it was that SO finally cleaned up his act, got sober and healthy, even quit smoking. He also stopped taking me for granted. I certainly didn't plan it and felt horribly guilty for a long time, but to tell you the truth, I still don't think that it was the worse thing in the world. It would have been far worse had I acted on the urge a few years earlier, when I actually fell for someone else who was a great guy.

Moonmaid said...

and p.s. haven't cheated since - although there are always attractions around, you learn to distance yourself and not encourage them - at least I do!

Miguela said...

I'd tell my partner and I'd expect the same courtesy in return, but really I wouldn't mind if my partner did have sex with other people as long as I got to mess around a bit too. Of course I wouldn't want my significant other going around getting fucked by different guys every week, but if he's out of town or I'm out of town and we're lonely and horny........no biggie.

rflairfan1 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bit dams said...

say nothing. would/will only cheat if i wanted out any way and was looking for a way to soften the fall for myself. what was that tv episode where the person tries to break up w/ their partner and they're like "yeah, no. we're not breaking up". (seinfield maybe?). i've had those relationships. when you want out and there seems to be no way to leave, you kind of force the issue, "WE'RE DONE".

rflairfan1 said...

@Texshan I knew going in that they were married yes.

Lauren Vento said...

I have never cheated, and I wont because I've seen what it does to a family first hand, but I say tell. I love and respect my husband enough to tell him, and I would hope for the same courtesy.

Dirty Disher said...

I brag about it and laugh when they cry.

lolaluvs2snack said...

That had me cracking up. Thanks I needed that :-)

uberpooper said...

My now ex-husband cheated on me within weeks of getting married, while I was pregnant, and he told me. (Made me feel physically ill.)Thing is I think he told me because he feared i would find out, as the brother of his side piece had just fired him form a job.

We stayed together a few years, and I didn't cheat on him, even tho he would actually sometimes tell me he wouldn't mind at all if I did. ut you see, I'm not a cheater.

Funny thing, in a subsequent relationship with a very kind yet very jealous/clingy guy, all I could think about was cheating on him.

poovey-tunt said...

Team take it to the grave here. Zero sympathy for cheaters or the people they do their cheating with (assuming they know the cheater is in a relationship,) but confessing is just for the cheater to feel better about being a piece of shit.

Take it to your priest or therapist, if you must, not your spouse.

Henriette said...

Where do you find all these men to cheat with? It was hard enough for me to find one man I wanted to sleep with! I think cheating is just too much work. Leave if you are unhappy!

My hubs and I disagree on the cheating thing. I don't think you should tell if it's a one time thing. If it's just to make yourself feel better, if you have fallen in love etc, then your marriage is doomed anyway.

I believe cheating is a symptom of bigger problems.

Lelaina Pierce said...

I cheated once in my early 20's, not yet married. I've been cheated on as well and it's not fun. My agreement now is if you want to cheat end it with me first. There is obviously something wrong with the relationship if it happens and life is too short to be unhappy, right?

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