Monday, May 25, 2009

Carli Goes To A BBQ - Adam Carolla, Bob Saget, Jay Leno, Jeffrey Ross & Patton Oswalt

Well hello again darling CDAN readers! While Enty spent the weekend in a liquor induced stupor, traveling no farther from the futon than the 5 feet to the BBQ, I found myself, once again, rubbing elbows with the rich and famous. The work of a fabulous ex wife on the hunt for a richer, older husband is just never done.

I was fortunate enough to be invited to the Shakespeare Festival of LA's fundraiser "kegger" at comedian Adam Carolla's Malibu estate. Now, being the woman of class that I am, I haven't attended anything with the word "keg" in the title since I was 19. (oops, sorry mom and dad, I mean 21!) But, given that this event's ticket prices ran from $150 to $2500, it sounded like my type of crowd: old and rich.

It was a beautiful sunny California day that was perfect for beer and hot dogs. I walked into the event and was greeted by the fabulous view, seen below. Who knew talking about herpes and juggies paid so well?
The event started about an hour before the actual stand up performances began. Mr. Carolla has quite a bit of land so before checking out the BBQ I headed down to grab myself a chair so I'd be front and center for the actual comedy. As you can see, before the comedians started they had a band performing by the name of Taxi Wisdom. The only wisdom I can impart to the band is: don't quit your day jobs.

To prevent my ear drums from splitting I headed back upstairs to check out the food and, one of my favorite things, the real estate. (no, that's not a metaphor for the men in attendance, surprisingly.) Apparently Adam Carolla makes a heck of a lot more money than I would've ever guessed because his house is gorgeous.The lovely Lynette Carolla may be my new inspiration. She's gorgeous, gracious, stylish, and, married to a very rich man. Though, let's be honest, Adam would not be the great success that he is without the help of a great woman such as Lynette. See what I mean? And yes, that IS Jay Leno standing behind her. More on him in a minute.

While attempting to find something that I would actually eat (ahem, Carli does NOT eat processed pig parts and ground meat, even if they ARE free!) I ran into Patton Oswalt in the VIP guest house. He, unsuccessfully, tried to talk to me into eating a burger, doing his best Vanna White impression to try to seduce my tastebuds. When that didn't work he appealed to my vain side by telling me that maybe I would get salmonella, which is the best diet anyone could ask for. Oooh that man knows how to talk dirty. Fortunately, I had just spied the mountain of cupcakes and dove into those instead.While stuffing my face with frosting I spied Adam Carolla wandering amongst the crowd.This was my reason for coming. I adored him on Loveline, abhorred the Man Show, and fell in love with him again when I discovered his radio show. (I wonder if CBS Radio is sick of my daily strongly worded letters they have been receiving since February when they made the stupid decision to change the format of their LA station and take Adam off the air.)

I patiently waited while two women accosted Adam and asked him where Dr. Drew was. Not there. I swooped in to rescue him because I had a burning question for him. (and no, not a Paris Hilton when she goes to the bathroom kind of burning) On his radio show Adam had a segment called "What Can't Adam Complain About?" I was never able to get through but I was convinced that I had the answer to that question: an orgasm. I presented my theory to him but of course, Mr. Carolla had an answer ready for me: "it's messy." Curses, foiled again!! No wonder he's the one making the big bucks and I'm hatching theories in my condo.

Finally it was time for the comedy to start. On my way down to my seat I ran into Bob Saget, whom I still refuse to believe is a different person from the "Lean, Mean Cleaning Machine" Danny Tanner that he played on Full House. He quickly shattered that illusion by leaning closer than necessary to get a nice glimpse of my cleavage. Before I realized what he was doing I was able to get a nice shot of him
I love a rich man, but I can't shake the mental image of him immediately jumping out of bed post coitus in order to Lysol the premises so even I was not going to go there. Oh Danny Tanner, your fictional persona has ruined a possible lucrative future for me.

The show began with a brief introduction from Adam where he thanked the sponsors.The crowd was told that Waste Management was one of the companies helping to support the event. Oh the myriad of jokes that could be made here.

First up was Jeffrey Ross, wearing a pair of pants I've seen in a J. Crew catalog but never believed anyone actually bought them.
He joked about his stint on Dancing With the Stars, insulted a few of the members of the crowd, sang a love song to his cat, and thanked Waste Management for making his career possible.

Next up was Bob Saget. I'd never seen him perform but I'd heard he had a filthy mouth. Seems he decided to keep it R rated for the charity event, which I'm sure the Shakespeare Festival was grateful for. He started to tell a story about his daughters but the punch line was about "DJ, Stephanie, and little Michelle." I'm a sucker for a good Full House joke so I found this hilarious. He then sang a song about something peppered with sexual innuendo and then he was off.Next up was a guy I'd never heard of, Jim Norton.
Although he looks like an angry little man, the guy flew himself in from NYC to perform at the event, for which he wasn't paid, which I was impressed by. He also flew in his trashy girlfriend, whom I was not impressed by. In his act he did a bit about her lack of dirty talking skills which was funny. Given her appearance I would've guessed that she currently made a living talking dirty but hey, what do I know?

Up next was Patton Oswalt.He apparently just had a baby a few weeks ago and made some jokes about correcting the doctor's Wolverine reference while in the delivery room. Lovable dorky humor, I like it.

Jay Leno was scheduled to take the stage after Patton but he was running late. Apparently one of his many cars is not the Batmobile and he was stuck in traffic on the PCH like us mere mortals had been in on our way to the event. Adam filled the time with a bit about how he and Queen Latifah were on The Tonight Show together once. He talked about some construction tool with the word "dike" in it and she apparently thought he was referring to her. Hilarity ensues.
Finally the man of the hour arrived, Mr. Jay Leno himself! He did a few jokes but mostly was there to conduct the charity auction. First up? An invitation to sit in studio while Adam recorded one of his podcasts. Jay nailed it when he said, "ooh. Sitting in a dark basement with Adam Carolla. I'll start the bidding at $2!" There were various other items auctioned off including a tour of Adam's garage. Apparently he is a car aficionado. This of course prompted someone in the crowd to yell "Hey Jay, how about a tour of YOUR garage?" which is legendary. He agreed to that on the spot. There was quite the bidding war for that one, with the top bid being $4500. I frantically looked around for the gentleman who could afford to blow that much money on an afternoon and to my dismay, it was a woman!! I mean, more power to her and someday I hope to be able to bid like that, just doesn't help my cause of marrying rich. Anyway, Jay proved to be the definition of charity by accepting her bid, PLUS inviting 2 other people with bids of $3000 and $2500 on the tour in order to raise more money for the Shakespeare Festival. He is a rare class act in Hollywood.

Not quite the class act was the aforementioned girlfriend of Jim Norton.
While waiting to try to get my picture taken with Jay (read: seduce him) I was listening to her conversation with some fans of his. Apparently they met at a show and she is from Jersey City. Wait....I know I have it here somewhere where.....oh there it is: my shocked face. Now my mother's side of the family is from Jersey and I do adore it, but this girl embodied all the awful stereotypes of the place. Her dress was so tight you could see her uterus. (which, much to her dismay, I'm sure, was empty. A fact I'd bet my Louboutins she is furiously working on before Jim meets another groupie)

Jeffrey Ross has done much better in the women department. His girlfriend was cute and classy-ish. (though showing a bit too much cleavage, or lack thereof, for my taste) Much like Jersey City, she clung to him whenever he was around and wouldn't let him out of her sight. Good girl. Looks like someone is on the Carli-husband-getting fast track. I approve.

Performances done, cupcakes eaten, and Bob Saget starting to get a little tipsy and grabby made it a good time for me to call it a day. Thanks again to the Shakespeare Festival for the invite, Adam and Lynette Carolla for opening their home, and the cupcake lady for her addictive frosting. The event truly was the highlight of my weekend, even if all the men in attendance seemed to have been bought the pricey tickets by their parents. Oh well, my search continues! Happy Memorial Day to all!

53 comments:

Beensie said...

Awesome read! Thanks Carli
*and kudos to Enty for posting items on Memorial Day when some of us have to be working instead of grilling...

Maja With a J said...

Ahahahaha! I love Carli's posts. I also love Bob Saget. "You can trust me, I'm Michelle's dad".

Linnea said...

that was hilarious... i just hope nj-girlfriend is not a CDAN reader! :)

Pookie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pookie said...

thx for the fun read, Carli! :)

can't get behind adam carolla on anything, he's been far too xenophobic and racist over the years for me to be a fan (google it), but kudos to him for opening his home for the event.

and will agree 100% that mr. leno is a true class act. i hope the event was a complete success.

ardleighstreet said...

Thanks Carli! That was fun and colorful to read. It was great to experience that vicariously. Except for the cupcakes I'd like to have seen them and Leno in person.

nunaurbiz said...

Thanks, Carli! That was a fun read. (And linnea: I hope she IS a reader! LOL)

K said...

Excellent recap, Carli! Good luck with your manhunt!

Julie said...

thank you Carli!

I looked up Chris Norton, then read further up that it was Jim Norton lol I'm like who is this guy? and why was he there? lol

Himmmm said...

Uhhh Carli, my love?
Did ya happen to get the name and anthropological profile of the classy yet scalding-hot bespectacled blonde on the left-side of the photo of Jeff Ross' girlfriend? The one in the Jaclyn Smith/Kmart knock-off floral print with the Wella-Balsalm hair rocking the Elaine Irwin-Mellencamp look?

She inspires naughty teacher fantasies in me.

I'd gladly marry her without a Pre-Nup. (AND I'm a squillionaire). I'll even pass along 10% for brokering the deal
;-p
LOVED the post.
Carli rocks my manpanties.

mooshki said...

LOL! As usual after reading one of your posts, I am stuck pondering how someone as apparently smart as Enty could be dumb enough to let you go. :)

giraffe said...

I found your comments about the women in attendance sexist. Maybe you should watch that.

Diana said...

Giraffe, that WAS a joke, yes?

I found Carli's post funny funny funny from beginning to end - poking fun at everyone - herself, the situations, the celebs, etc.

It was all good fun, and nicely written. I agree, EL, why did you let her go???

mooshki said...

Uh oh, Giraffe, if you're easily offended by sexist comments, this may not be the blog for you. :) Although it does give you a great opportunity for a big dramatic angry departure - we haven't had one of those for a long while...

littleoleme said...

I don't get it. Leno is in the bg in photos before the event begins but then he's said to be late for appearing and on his way? That doesn't add up.

Himmmm said...

Oh wow! MOOSHKI!
"Angry Departure"...can I watch? I'll sit here quietly if one's going down. But I got SHOTGUN!
lol. I always thought "Angry Departure" could be the title for Enty's guide to marital advice.

I don't know Giraffe..but I too hope that was ironic humor. Because whatever Princess Carli writes is gospel to me. I'm 100% man...but I'd find a way to bear her children if she asked.

I have nipples and she could milk me (Fokker).

ItsJustMe said...

Carli! LOL ... thanks for the laughs. :) I also refuse to believe Bob Saget isn't Danny Tanner.

JJ said...

Super reading. Thanks!

ablake said...

That left me wondering as well littleoleme.
Not a fan of Adam, much as I'm not a fan of someone trying too hard for a laugh.
Agree that it was cool for him to open his home, though.
Lucky folks who get to hang with Leno for a tour.

Julie said...

Carli, I triple doggy dare you to Do Bob Saget and yell "Dirty Danny Dirty Danny" LOL that'd be hot.

only not in actuality. but the humors there.

.robert said...

Yeah, the Leno in a pic and then late for the show comment made me wonder too.

ent lawyer said...

After speaking with Carli, she said that she forgot to take a picture of Lynette until after the show ended, hence Jay Leno was already there.

mooshki said...

Wow, this IS a holiday! How long has it been since Enty commented? How "Enty" is it to be so chivalrous to an ex? Swoon!

Rufus II said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MnGddess said...

Thanks, Carli! I only wish I was there with you.

shakey said...

I know why you and Ent aren't a match - you're a vegetarian!

Loved your commentary. You've got great snark.

Anonymous said...

I love bob saget - his guest spots on entourage put a whole new perspective on mr tanner. And "Rolling with Saget" is hilarious!
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090208201708AAHvub6

Can you picture Michelle's Dad saying this: That's when DMX and 50 Cent walked in
(Bob stood up and said) {"Who are you again?"}
At first all they did was stand around and stare
('Til X pushed Bob and 50 hit him with a chair)
He's in a cardigan, khaki, shoes and no socks
{"You want hardcore motherf*ckers?"} Pulled out a GLOCK~!
{"I got a c*ck like a donkey, hard as a rock"}

figgy said...

Carli, you are hilarious! More posts from Carli, please! :-D

figgy said...

Oh--and I too am looking for an older rich husband. But I'm in Chicago, where the pickins might be a bit slimmer, but the men certainly aren't.

Maja With a J said...

"Dude - did you just get cock blocked by Bob Saget?"

Emma31 said...

I Love the Ace Man....Thanks Carli for a great post :)

slappywhyte said...

I ain't saying Carli is a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke comedians...

Bryan said...

Haha, great read Carli! I googled The Ace Man and ended up here. You have a new fan here.


Btw, didn't you know that Carolla is literally a millionaire? LITERALLY!

Unknown said...

Wow, way to break the stereotype of LA girls being money grubbing whores.

Really classy to attack someone's girlfriend who isn't even the spotlight.

You will probably just delete this comment instead of responding to it, but it at least you and I will both know you are a shallow piece of garbage. When you die, I hope poor and alone.

Unknown said...

"Next up was a guy I'd never heard of, Jim Norton."

He had a staring role on Spiderman!

Unknown said...

Bitter much? These guys take time out their busy schedules to do a fundraiser for which they won't get paid, and all you can do is go out of your way to trash their girlfriends. Go screw.

hhhhhhhhhhhhh said...

Yikes talk about a zinger (NJ GF!)
On point article I
Usually don't have time to check in I
Am always in awe how
Ridiculously smooth you are at these
Extravaganzas of celebs.
Anways i was wondering if you
Could attempt to
Undulate your sassy self into the
Next event, and i would love a a
Time stamped pic of dr drew!!!!!!

Unknown said...

Eat my ass tool. Jimmy Norton owns you.

goat999 said...

Real classy goin after a guys girl just for showing up at an fundraiser. Given as much attention as you did to the food, I willing to bet your not really a looker, ya know. But your a blogger so your opinion counts, right? FRUUNNKKUSSS!!

Unknown said...

You cunt! Who the hell are you to judge someone you've never even met? I'm sure you know absolutely nothing about Jim orton's girlfriend, yet you trash her. Go fuck yourself!

Linnea said...

nunaurbitz - i think you got your wish fulfilled!

shakey said...

Jimmy Norton has some angry friends.

I guess he's never made any jokes that might have bruised an ego or two. I'm not familiar with his work.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Insanely overwritten drivel by a gold digging pompous twat.

I like the part where she talks about how trashy and skanky Lil Jimmy's girl is after repeatedly admitting to being nothing but a shallow, gold digging cunt.

Excuse me while I choke on the irony.

RRRAAMOOONNNEE!

I HOPE CARLI DIES OF ASS CANCER!!!!

Unknown said...

You trash Jimmy Norton even after he does this for his friends and tear his girl up, LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!! I am sure you were there just to Idolize the whores who marry for money. Probably just blew someone to get admission to the event yourself. I am glad you pointed out how small Jeffrey Ross' girlfriends tits are. I know how much they mean to a charity event. I bet you even have fake Louboutins, you cunt.

Balancedchaos said...

Die in a fire, cunt.

Unknown said...

Shakey,
Going after someone in the public eye is to be expected, and if this blogger trashed Jim Norton, so be it. He/She was trashing someone that attended a fundraiser. Not someone that performed, but someone that attended. There was no reason to publish a photo and trash a non-performer from the event, it's a douchey move.

SAIKOTIC said...

I hope you develop late-onset Tourette's Syndrome and then suffer from a severe stroke. I want you to mumble raciar slurs as drool leaks from your lower lip. I hope your uterus develops Parkinson's. Hell, I assume it's been scratched so many times by now that it's barren.

Anonymous said...

Opie and Anthony fans are trying to attack this website and it's owner here is a link to them talking about it -------------------------------- http://www.wackbag.com/showthread.php?t=108122

Don't worry their website is so slow topics hang on their frontpage forever and there is very little traffic there.

J said...

Die you fucking cunts. How dare you.
Lil' Connor

Anonymous said...

your an ugly old gold digger
Jim Nortons girl is hot....you jealous cunt!
booohoooo i don't have a rich husband

Unknown said...

hahaha

C U Next Tuesday you cum guzzling queen!

Unknown said...

How classy to make fun of the girlfriend of one of the comedians at the event.

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