Friday, October 02, 2009

Ted C. Blind Items

This one's full of sex 'n' love and secondhand embarrassment for Stinky Carrot-Crotch, a boob-tube dude used to rolling around in piles of money, but typically all by his lonesome.

Man's not exactly a lady-killer, though his bank account and undeniable talent certainly get women to give him second, third and fourth glances, shockingly. He's not exactly tragic-looking, either—so we're kinda stunned to hear SCC's got trouble with the female sort.

Well, not always—Stink got kissed by lady luck (and then some) one special evening, but maybe he should've been careful what he wished for...

Stinky, who just loves to hear the sound of his own voice, slunk into a karaoke joint for a night of dorky fun, but ended up with a whole lot more in his hand than a microphone. Like two babes looking for a good time and a famous guy to do it with. The punch-drunk gal-pals recognized the dude from his work on the small screen and were more than willing to hightail it back to his place for a night of supersloshed after-hours antics.

Was Carrot-Crotch into it? Totally! This was his first ménage à trois ever, and he was sick of being a prude by default. Unfortunately for him (and even sadder for the two girls) he didn't know what the hell he was doing the whole time, since he barely knows how to handle one broad in the bedroom, let alone two.

The next morning, C.C. woke up with a sparkle in his eyes for one of the honeys—'course, she had endured enough of the star's inexperience in bed the night before and ran out of there, prioritizing her libido over a life of riches and jewels and other high-class crap. Her other friend, however, totally had the hots for Carrot-Crotch, but his mind was too focused on what he couldn't have: the other girl who wanted nothing to do with him.

Take heed to the moral of Stinky Carrot-Crotch: This proves that money sure can't buy you everything—including how to please a woman. 'Course, he could always pick up one of these at his local sex shop; they do the trick just fine, we hear! Unlike Stinky. Poor rich, funny baby.

And It Ain't: Jon Hamm, Sam Trammell, Matt Stone


empyrios said...

David Caruso!


Chrissy Buns said...

i thought David Caruso, to, because i'm assuming 'he' must be a red head, but it kind of sound like he is younger...i don't know...i'm so confuuuuuuuused!

Ms Cool said...

Seth Green.

Unknown said...

I also thought first of Seth Green.

Unknown said...

"Poor rich, funny baby." reminds me of Stewie from A Family Guy. I'm thinking either Seth Green or Seth MacFarlane.

CDAN Mod said...

one of the seths. the south park guys are married. although that does not mean they aren't adulterers.

Anonymous said...

I thought Seth because of these clues:
- carrot-crotch = red head
- sound of his own voice - Family Guy and Robot Chicken
- work on small screen - Buffy
but Seth has been around for a while, has been in the photos recently with a vgl woman and also has been in some big movies, I can't believe this would have been his first opportunity for a threesome or more.

libby said...

I was thinking MacFarlane. He was a revealed Blind Vice before that he was the guy who didn't even know how to put on a condom.

the 'sound of his own voice'? Seth M. is the most talented young voice actor out there, by far!
And he has money-money-money.

Seth Green gets laid. He has a really tall girlfriend. I'm thinking the carrot-crotch is a red herring.

Nichole Fisher said...

I thought seth green too because the AIAs all have double letters in their names - hamm, trammell, matt. green fits in with that.

Unknown said...

This is totally MacFarlane. Also,

Why am I not surprised.


ah hahahahahahaha

That is all.


Lolita Breckenridge said...

Oooh Nichole, good point.

MacFarlane isn't a red head, and I definitely thought that was a big clue. Maybe it's a red herring. Heh.

I was thinking Danny Bonaduce. But I just learned who the Seths were, so what do I know.

chopchop said...

Seth Green. I took Carrot-Crotch to reference what a carrot's "hair" might look like, i.e. the GREEN leafy stuff on the top. And therefore also on the crotch.

Anonymous said...

But Seth MacFarlane is Mooney Tuna, right? I don't think Ted C usually gives people more than one nickname.

That said, I can't think of anyone who fits :(

sunnyside1213 said...

Ted never gives people more that one nickname.

littlemanwhatnow said...

Seth MacFarlane is Mooney Tuna? where i can't find it lol! i had such a crush on him too! he lives in my neighborhood!

Unknown said...

i have no idea why, but steve martin popped into my head.

littlemanwhatnow said...

i can almost say it's a fact ....but i met an ex of steve martins and he is a class A pervert!!! he will only be with women that will have three ways and orgies...he's all about pleasure....big time. it can't be him.

Lionors said...

Kevin Connolly from Entourage?

CarolMR said...

It has to be a red-head. I can only think of Caruso, but it doesn't sound like him.

Anonymous said...

@littlemanwhatnow - the reveal is here. Hopefully that link will work but I'm in the UK so it changes the URL!

But I just found this when I went looking for it.

"* Remember: according to Ted, he gives each celeb only one nickname.... EXCEPT: Update 9/2/09 - The Awful Truth team now admits that they have given a NEW nickname to someone who has already been revealed as a blind vice in the past. So yes, they could have more than one nickname IF they are one of those revealed as one already. "

So who knows. Although, I'm still not convinced that it's him!

mooshki said...

I find it beyond belief that Seth Green wouldn't have had a few threesomes by now.

Judi said...

I first thought of Carrot Top but he isn't rolling in dough and he is tragic looking.
Then I thought of Bonaduce but he's not rolling in dough either and was married.
Not Seth Green. He looks like an ignorant goof but isn't and has a lovely girlfriend.
Not Caruso. He was or is married and has probably had at least one three-some.
So I'll go with Seth M, too. Not sure if it means anything but the 'And It Ain't's have a lot of Ms in their names.

Katy said...

I was wondering if the "punch drunk" thing had to do with the movie Punch Drunk Love?

Any guys known for their small screen efforts in that?


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