Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Another Dating Site Catch!

As everyone who reads the site knows, one of my greatest pleasures is reading e-mails and profiles of guys from dating sites. A long time reader found this one on okcupid and just had to share. I don't want to say what reader because the guy contacted her. Don't want to give him any encouragement. Here it is. 


This is a very detailed write up.. FOR A REASON!! Read it ALL BEFORE
writing to me.. ;)

I only see submissive women and you don't need to write to me if
you're offended. I understand that many women in the states believe
that submission is a terrible thing. Some of the toughest best
educated, beautiful, accomplished and desirable females in the world
enjoy being submissive. It doesn't mean that I am abusive, a bad
person, etc. I am a leader and NOT a dictator. A leader cares more for
his people for himself while a dictator rapes and pillages everyone to
death. Further, I have often yielded to a female when I've been wrong.

If you appreciate a good spanking (discipline and/or erotic) and
you're tired of sleazy abusive morons who joke about bodily functions
while playing video games all day long and saying all kinds of stupid
**** that makes you cringe at the utter idiocy of it.. I am a breath
of fresh air for you. I don't use stupid lines, chase women, or try to
say "what they want to hear".

Real women appreciate my honesty and lack of bull****. A complete lack
of bull**** is so rare of a quality in a male that you'd have better
odds of winning a lottery than you would finding one of me. Not only
that but a man who is naturally dominant and yet a caring sweetheart
is just as rare.

I'm exceedingly talented when it comes (no pun intended :) to making
women comfortable. Most women love the fact that I can make them smile
and *** and relax. I solve problems and I'm a positive influence
everywhere I go. Many people I've known have have better lives today,
because of me. I'm a wonderful genuine honest person who won't put up
with any of your ****.

I am not one to lead anyone on and so please understand that I am not
looking for love right now. I've only been "in love" three times. It's
a sacred thing to a man like myself and you really would have to prove
the h*ll out of your intentions before I'd so much as consider it.

NO: Games, silly ****, trouble makers, drug addicts, men, non single
women, crazy women, etc. If you want to meet me you need to be a
submissive intelligent woman who is single and none of the
aforementioned things. The **** some women try to get away with won't
work with me as I've seen and done it ALL. - GOLD DIGGERS- PUT YOUR
PITCHFORKS AWAY because I'm not some square who buys things for women.

When I said I was free of bull**** I meant it and so here are my faults:

I'm short (5'5"). I have small arms. (Not alien small or anything- I
just ain't muscle bound). I don't make a lot of money. (I'm capable. I
just don't care right now.)I'm not in great shape right now. The last
few years have been long. I can be somewhat boring because I don't go
"clubbing" or any of that silly ****. I left school when I was twelve
(not really a fault and I was far ahead of the normal children) I have
a very short level of tolerance for stupid ****. I don't know who
almost any celebrity is and haven't seen most movies (fault?).

Good things you could have(not all are required):

Intelligence - A sweet face - Be from the east or west coast or the
south - *Be good at and ENJOY giving b******s, able to sw***ow - Big
butt (it can NOT - EVER - be too big) - A bubble butt (ain't huge and
is very round) - Accents - they murder me - I love most of them -
Being Italian or Asian wouldn't hurt AT ALL - Well made breasts - *Be
OPEN - I can't stand liars or hiding things - *Be free of guilt based
on man made religion - Knowing how to cook .. nothing like a home
cooked meal - Well made nipples - Be free of excessive baggage - for
the love of God!! - *Don't be a thief - Being BI wouldn't hurt AT ALL
- Have long hair

*=Required

There's no guarantee that I will decide to see ANYONE in the Wichita
area. I'm just curious to see if there are any women who don't do
drugs or break balls or talk like they're still in preschool or ****
five men every week.. you know? I'm NOT from here, I just live here.

I LIVE IN WICHITA- BUT ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE TO. I'm open to a some
travel, maybe a mini vacation here and there. I don't want to MOVE
anywhere because my little grandmother lives an hour away from where I
am. She means the world to me, and I won't MOVE until she's dead.


What I'm doing with my life:
I'm in the middle of nowhere.. mostly avoiding the locals and watching
television..
.
I'm really good at:
Playing poker, eating like a rabid wolf, spanking women and making
them smile, solving problems, etc.
.
The first things people usually notice about me:
I'm handsome as hell, short, I look italian, I'm exceedingly direct
and open, I am not an idiot, I have a refreshingly bullshit free way
of looking at things.


.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
In order. The king of torts, the blues brothers, taxi, blues, steak.

.
The six things I could never do without:
Cadillacs, blowjobs, my sister, food.

.
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Cars, guns, food, naked women, politics, business, travel

On a typical Friday night I am:
Watching programs at home or sitting at the coffee house playing Words
With Friends.

.
The most private thing I'm willing to admit:
I don't make a lot of money.. I can, but I don't.

I'm looking for:
Girls who like guys
Ages 21-99
Near me
Who are single
For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity
partners, casual sex

You should message me if
If you're not a scandalous whore, a feminist or an idiot. Basic
guidelines if you ever want to get anywhere with me is you don't cause
problems, you're not a trouble maker, you like being spanked and/or
need it and you truly really enjoy giving head. Intelligence and being
foxy helps too ;)


Now ladies, don't all line up at once for this winner. Thanks Ellen!

144 comments:

Beth said...

Interesting order:

The six things I could never do without:
Cadillacs, blowjobs, my sister, food.

He sounds like a gem.

At least, he was upfront about his likes and dislikes.

EmEyeKay said...

Know why he's so good at making women smile? His idiocy. The bonehead is amusing.

Holy cow.

warmislandsun said...

Holy cow! What a piece of work. Gross, grosser and yuck all rolled into one. This reminds me of the stalker emails they used to post on Gawker.

Where has all this psychosis come from?

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

The six things I could never do without:
Cadillacs, blowjobs, my sister, food.


Warning, ladies, he can't count to six.

Cathy said...

With him being 5'5, it sounds like a classic napoleon complex to me!

RealityBytes said...

Let me just say as a guy from the Wichita area, this guy is not representative.

1. Most of us don't have real tiny arms. (hilarious)

2. I've never spanked a woman for disciplinary reasons.

3. "Long years" don't generally make people fat.

farmgirl said...

My favorite part of this whole post is the label at the bottom:

Who the Boys of Jersey Shore Would Be Without the Show

Lolz Enty!

SkittleKitty said...

Makes me that much happier to be married and not have to think about dating. Oy vey.

Pookie said...

i hope the receiver of this eloquent and oh-so-steaming pile of poo isn't frightened off by his aforementioned teeny extremities, or his magnificent intellectual capacity that only required a grade school education (being so advanced and all) ...b/c imagine that...good lovin' in wichita an hour away from granny (who's apparently still kickin'). #winning!

WastedTime said...

I am disturbed that he mentioned his sister and blowjobs in the same breath. Can't believe this guy isn't taken yet!
As an aside, I can't help but read between the lines and assume this guy is a 40 year old virgin who lives in his mother's basement.

chopchop said...

I love how he says he *could* make a lot of money, but he chooses not to. LMFAO!!

Lurky Loo said...

And yet, as obnoxious and crazy as this guy's profile is, he will still manage to get some women interested in him...

B. Profane said...

Let me guess...this guy is the graveyard-shift busboy at the sleaziest Dunkin' Donuts in Wichita.

He got one thing right, even with his 6th-grade education: a lot of women actually do like to be spanked.

Anonymous said...

I love that he spends a lot of time thinking about business. Surely a man that thinks about business is a good problem solver, can make me smile and is an elementary school drop-out. Sigh, if only I weren't a scandalous whore.

I find it so cringe-inducing to read people bragging about themselves.

Theresa said...

I find a broke, chubby t-rex looking petite man with a 6th grade education, who loves blowjobs and his sister, can't count to 6 and thinks he's handsome as hell immensely appealing. Whoops, that should have read appalling. And what exactly is a well made nipple?

He sure doesn't offer much but wants a whole lot!

Anonymous said...

@Chopchop, IT'S BECAUSE HE'S REAL, OK!!!!!! DON'T BE A HATER. He's too real to sell-out to the corporate beast (despite all that thinking about business that he does).

Vicki Cupper said...

Does Rick Santorum have a sister?

Anonymous said...

This is disturbing and a prime example of why I keep my doors locked... Although, he probably couldn't reach the doorknob with his tiny arms...

yawnathon said...

The lesson on BDSM is insulting. If a woman's into that sort of thing, she doesn't need help "justifying" it. And dude, look into your aversion to commas. It's a total turn-off.

nolachickee said...

I liked that he clarified that his arms, while small, are "not alien small or anything".

Also, that he's really good at eating like a rabid wolf. Because, let's face it ladies, men who eat like animals are so awesome.

You know, if he were an alien, most of this rant would make more sense.

Fijigrrl said...

I am at work and snarffled (think stifled giggle snort) when I read this.

@RealityBytes -- he only WISHES he were as charming as most Wichita men.

Oh so many parts to enjoy... lack of education due to his genius, his belief that 4 is 6... lol I am going back to reread this.

B. Profane said...

Has Harlan Ellison moved to Wichita?

SusanB said...

I've been involved in this lifestyle before (not as a submissive). But most of the male Doms I've met aren't what they think are dominant - they're using the lifestyle as a way to get BJs on demand. And they usually call themselves Doms because they have a deep need to boss women around. In fact, I met quite a few male "Doms" who would tell me they were really submissive but couldn't meet the right Domme for them. There a few real Doms, but mostly they're just inadequate jerks.

Katie said...

The King of Torts???? By John Grisham???? That's his favorite book?????? i mean, i get reading that on an airplane or something, but to count that as your all-time favorite "novel"?

donner said...

He wants girls from ages 21-99....what do you think he'd look like w/ a 98 yr old woman? the mind boggles...

Vicki Cupper said...

Fijigrrl, I'm going to have to add "snarffled" to my list of favorite new words, along with "adorifying".

hunter said...

First couple paragraphs weren't that bad... but then he tanked pretty hard.

I like the "snarfled" comment above. :)

feraltart said...

I needed the laugh. I had an unpleasant incident yesterday with a co-worker (male) who is a bully and a coward. I absolutely adore my male boss and another male co-worker - they are fantastic. I can actually see bully boy writing something like this, particularly how he is so much smarter than you and women need to shut-up and listen. Needless to say, bully boy is as single as this poster is. The only good thing is the dating guy's honesty allows women the world over to run screaming from him. Thank goodness I have a wonderful husband.

FSP said...

Hey! That's my post!

lzahart said...

OMG I think I have never been happier to be a married woman... simply because I feel sorry for my friends who are on OKCupid and have to look at this nonsense.

So I assume you are DQ'd if you are a scandalous whore who is also a feminist and an idiot (it seems all 3 are synonomous to this guy)? Well that should cut the pool down even further!

The Angry Observer said...

perhaps he should just take his tiny arms and fly over to nana's (its only an hour away!). then he can meet her friends and get all the on-demand toothless BJs an uneducated (and most certainly NOT dominate) sister and steak lover needs.

also, he's poor b/c he's obvs paying for sexy times.

Silvermist said...

I'm pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little reading that.

AbderianLaughter said...

there are so many gems in this I can't pick a favorite.

I think I am just going to start telling people I COULD make a lot of money, I just don't WANT to right now.

@Theresa "I find a broke, chubby t-rex looking petite man with a 6th grade education, who loves blowjobs and his sister, can't count to 6 and thinks he's handsome as hell immensely appealing. Whoops, that should have read appalling. And what exactly is a well made nipple?" My favorite quote for today, lol!

Marna P. said...

ROFL! I don't know what's funnier, the ad or you commenters commenting on it.

@the Infertile Housewife: I actually snorted food onto my computer screen with your comment about the tiny arms. Classy, I know.

@Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors: HAHAHAHAHAHA, GOOD catch, I missed that one because I was too busy being repulsed by the fact that he listed blowjobs and his sister right next to each other.

I'm single, can someone introduce me to this gem?

RenoBlondee said...

^^OMG, you guys are making me laugh harder then the post did! LOL

The Angry Observer said...

also, thanks Enty and Ellen for... well, just, thanks.

B23 said...

Can someone attempt to define what exactly "well made" body parts are? Does he mean fake?

Magsey said...

Oh good Lord.
I have been a widow for 7 years and will not use dating sites because THIS.
Is this what is in store for me?
Spankers with tiny arms and poor taste in novels?

yawnathon said...

Amen, sister.

MadLyb said...

He sounds like my dream man...

The Angry Observer said...

@magsey right?! what does someone with admittedly small arms doing talking about spaning ladies?

has he no love for his craft? you cannot correct, much less administer a firm spank, with no reach.

Jolene Jolene said...

Well, the motherfucker's concise.

RJ said...

Hilarious!! I, too, wonder about the well-made nipple. He also wants a well-made breast. And putting the words "my sister" and "blowjobs" together is beyond creepy. However, I will be borrowing this guy's philosophy of "I could, but I don't". This swimsuit season, I'm telling everyone that "I could have a rocking body, but I chose not to. It's been a long year."

To think I am missing out on this guy because I'm married and have short hair. I have to wonder how bad he really is. People always present themselves on these sites as better than they really are. Can you imagine what he's holding back?

selectivesoul said...

OMG-I can't stop laughing at this...everyone around me is giving me the side-eye.
Theresa: nailed it.
That is all.

Tara Green said...

@Theresa lol, fantastic comment. Great letter, poor guy. Interesting how he asks for so much, but he offers absolutely nothing of himself (oh yeah, the spanking and blowjobs), even going as far as saying that's he's not open to love, sheesh.

eljaybee said...

Love it. Can't believe he hasn't been snapped up before now!

Seachica said...

You just know this guy is the turd in the corner complaining about how stuck up women are, because they don't respond to his emails.

Reader who received this - count your blessings that he sent this before you met him. Imagine what that first date could have been like!

Thank god I'm out of the dating pool. I did several of the online sites -- I finally met a gem on JDate, but we only got serious after 3 years of being Facebook friends. I think it's because I was so jaded that I didn't trust anyone until I could see first hand that he wasn't psycho.

When I was bored or drunk, I'd post a profile (always normal sounding) onto Craig's List just to get the weird responses. And then share them with my girlfriends for a good laugh.

AKM said...

I'm on OKCupid and yep, this is some of the glorious stuff we get on there. It's a jungle out there, people. Being single sucks. (Well, it sucks if you don't WANT to be single. If you enjoy it, more power to you.)

Also, he wants the gold diggers to put their pitchforks away? One lifts and pitches with a pitchfork, correct? He/she doesn't DIG with one. WTF?!

califblondy said...

What? No astrological sign?

Who says "foxy" anymore?

I know a drunk and crazy woman in Winchita and I'd pay her to get in touch with this nut. I would love to see a picture of loverboy.

Danielle said...

A) My head just exploded. B) This HAS to be a joke!

La Pachuquita said...

There are the lines that made me squirt my coffee out of my nose:

"Many people I've known have have better lives today, because of me."

"The six things I could never do without:Cadillacs, blowjobs, my sister, food."
(Ok, the fact that he thought of his sister right after blowjobs is disturbing)

(Under wants)
Well made nipples
(What the hell does that mean?????)

"On a typical Friday night I am:
Watching programs at home or sitting at the coffee house playing Words With Friends"
(Yeah buddy, you definitely sound like a debonaire man about the world)

Noetje said...

"Many people I've known have have better lives today,
because of me.” Probably because they escaped... What an idiot.

DixieTheNoble82 said...

@Seachicha - I just let out my own snarffle (absolutely the word of the day) at your Craiglist adventures, especially the bit in parentheses.

This guy..the alien arms part made me laugh & the sister/blowjob combo made me say 'huh?'.

Anonymous said...

GOLD DIGGERS- PUT YOUR
PITCHFORKS AWAY because I'm not some square who buys things for women.


What does that even mean? He confuses a metaphor and then says he's not "some square." What??? What decade is he from? And believe me, if any golddiggers were reading this (God speed, sisters), they stopped at the mention of a 6th grade education and he could make more money but doesn't want to.

OMG, you know who he is? He's the future Bart Simpspon from the episode where Lisa becomes president.

DixieTheNoble82 said...

@Califblondy - please do & have your friend send frequent updates!

crila16 said...

LOL...I'm sorry. What a loser. He sounds like a little troll, yet he's making all these ridiculous demands. His game is not having a game, and I was exhausted from reading about it. I can only imagine what he's like in person.

Maybe he should just buy a sports car to make up for his lack of peen size, instead of trying to find a girl out of his league to dominate.

Anonymous said...

I LIVE IN WICHITA- BUT ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE TO

This means he lives with his parents, right?

On a typical Friday night I am:
Watching programs at home or sitting at the coffee house playing Words With Friends.


He means World of Warcraft.

Lizz said...

Oh Theresa. Your comment made me laugh until I cried. Still crying and laughing actually. You win at life.

DixieTheNoble82 said...

@Seachica - I'm a dumb ass & took what you wrote as something completely different but thanks for the snarffle regardless! (And @Figigrrl for the awesome word.)

wenx said...

Omg.....should not be reading this @ work b/c it took a LOT of lip biting & self control not to cackle like a mad fiend when I read this ;) will try to respond more later, but for now: thank GOD I'm content being on my own if this is what is out there!

fordellcastle said...

Why does he list 'The Six Things I Could never Live Without' yet only name 4 of them?

Anonymous said...

I'm speechless ... is there any woman out there desperate enough to take this loser on?

Magsey said...

@fordellcastle
#5 is Blowjobs from my sister while eating in a cadillac.

#6 un-employment checks.

Mamaroni said...

If that's not an ad for okcupid I don't know what is

Erica said...

And I thought I got weird entries for my Correspondence Hall of Shame. I too am speechless.

AngusParvo said...

The six things he cares most about are only four things. So he can't count. More disturbing is seeing "my sister" right next to beejies.

Anonymous said...

OMG, these are the funniest comments ever. My first outburst of insane laughter came with the part about not being able to reach the doorknob with his tiny arms, and now I can't stop laughing. Thankfully I am at home where it is only my computer I am spraying with my iced tea, and only my cat is being annoyed by wild laughter. I love all you guys!

Maja. With a J. said...

I BET THIS IS ROBERT DOWNEY JR YOU GUYS!!!

Sue (in MO) said...

OMG, I literally have tears running down my face from laughing at these comments!! The post itself was funny but you all are killing me!!

Sherry said...

And somehow he wonders why he is single...Genius I tell ya with his short stature and little T-Rex arms.
Oh please oh please...Tell me where this is on OK Cupid..The things I would have to say but LSAM, touche sister!

Spike Ghost said...

"You should message me if
If you're not a scandalous whore, a FEMINIST or an idiot"

Because wanting equal rights for everyone is fucking ludicrous. A gem this guy!

Unknown said...

"Fifty Shades of no f*cking way"

Chris said...

Thank you so much for posting this Enty!! And I can't get the image of his tiny arms reeeaacching for the doorknob out of my mind!

T. Rex indeed!!

DueDiligence said...

Somewhere on the campus of Wichita St. there is a group of College kids just laughing their asses off, hoping someone actually responds to their gag dating profile.

Zak said...

The only thing more entertaining than this Prince Charming's profile is the comment thread. I needed a good laugh today, thanks guys(and Enty!)

jax said...

and not ONE Mcconaughey joke about his widdle bitty arms.

Danielle said...

LMAO @ ALL OF THESE COMMENTS! I too am at work and did alot of "lip biting" to get through all the comments without actually laughing out loud. I agree, the post was funny/ rediculous but the comment are so much better lol!

Fijigrrl said...

@Theresa -- trex arms ... now I am snarffling again

@Unknown "50 Shades..." CLASSIC.

jetfuelgenius said...

aaaaaaaand this is exactly why I abandoned OKCupid after TWENTY FOUR HOURS...

kpist said...

Too bad I'm a scandalous whore!!! LOL

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Glenn Danzig.

Green Wave Gal said...

Bitches, get out of my way...I'm moving to Wichita! ;)

OMAMA is BROKO said...

wow

Anonymous said...

He forgot to mention that he's full of shit, has an incredibly small penis to go with the rest of his body, is full of shit, is not actually a dom, is full of shit, is really weak and insecure, is full of shit, is too close to his sister and grandmother, is full of shit, hates the control his sister and grandmother hold over him so he seeks to take it out on other women, is full of shit, prefers women outside of the midwest b/c he's already been rejected by all of them, is full of shit, needs to widen his victim base b/c the police are starting to get real close.

Comma Chaser said...

Sounds like one of the guys at The Onion had some free time on his hands.

Does he like all four of these things at once? Kinda like Costanza in that episode of Seinfeld? A blowjob from his sister, in a cadillac, while he's chowin' down on a Hot Pocket?

Cousin said...

Funny. While reading this I kept picturing some character from the Sopranos or other mob related scenario that had been placed in the government's witness relocation program and was forced to live in Wichita and was now seeking a companion.

surfer said...

He had me at a well-made nipple, lol.

The comments are funnier than the ad.

Actually, I bet this is a joke - nobody can be that idiotic. Can they?

mspacman said...

Wow, this is exactly why I quit okcupid... Right before I deactivated my account, I went out with one guy who admitted to being a 32 yr old virgin, and another that thought a disturbingly violent story was good first date conversation. Okstupid is free but you get what you pay for.

Seachica said...

Crap, if I weren't at work, I'd post a profile on CL and share the funny responses. These guys really do exist, and there are lots of them out there. *shudder*. My weirdest OKCupid story was the guy who chatted with me, and wanted to know if I kept my feet well manicured.

*girl said...

These comments have me laughing so hard I am actually crying in an airport lounge. I can't even try to surpass....

bits of moxy said...

@ Vicki - you're soo funny! There is no way this guy is Republican, since he isn't making any money.

:| raven |: said...

i am hoping that this guy is a normal guy, handsome, intelligent and he just posted this to see if there was an honest woman who ...

wait wait .. who the hell am i kidding.

plus, i'm a huge troublemaker, so i'm out.

Jenn719 said...

Is this loser one of the weirdos who tries to pick me up when I'm playing Words with Friends?

Seachica said...

Omg, Jenn -- that really happens?! Lol. Do these guys think you're going to spell out "take me"?

crila16 said...

21 - 99 yrs old. Well...that's definitely broadening his options. Most 80 - 90 yr old age brackets can remove their teeth, which would definitely fulfill a very important "Could never do without" on his list.

Seachica said...

At work waiting for a model to finish running.... Had to browse the CL listings. Stopped at the "looking for a mom/son relationship" profile complete with body shot.

Jason Blue Eyes said...

So he watches television all day long yet rails against losers who play video games? Either way you're still staring at a screen, No?

"Many people I've known have have better lives today,
because of me." Okay, This guy is Donald Trump!

Leaving school at 12? Um - FAULT!

If he watches as much television as he claims wouldn't he have a general idea about celebrities? Unless he watches "Hillbilly Handfishing" or something. Even CNN does celebrity stories. And nobody has seen "Most movies."

"Have long hair." George Costanza liked long hair too.

"She means the world to me, and I won't MOVE until she's dead." I love the way he phrased that about someone who meant the world to him. LoL.


He watches a lot of TV but his favorite show is "Taxi?" A show from 30 years ago?

Geez buddy what's your problem with feminism? You claim you want an intelligent woman - aren't feminists intelligent?

"Sitting at the coffee house playing Words With Friends." Okay, this guy is Alec Baldwin!

mngddess said...

Well, I am a scandalous whore.

PHEW!!!!

littlemanwhatnow said...

i like "Well made nipples " HAHAHAHA

Monty said...

Anita Mark you slay me!

I honestly kept seeing flashes of the Joker when he mentions making women smile. Oh, he'll MAKE you smile even if he has to carve one for you.

Majik said...

Could never do without blowjobs, huh?

Methinks he's doing without them right now...and perhaps, for some time to come.

I'm a single gal on Plenty of Fish...no choice since the good lord did not see fit to make me a lesbian or give me friends with normal, single male acquaintances they could introduce me to....

Sherry said...

Ooh Monty..that was creepy!

Dani said...

I give a fantastic blowjob & love to receive a good ass spanking, but I'm one crazy effing bitch. I am an exceptional cook, but I consider myself a feminist & have actually been called a scandalous whore. Sorry buddy, we'll never know what could have been.

A friend of mine was on Match.com & couldn't figure out why she couldn't find a good man. Didn't have the heart to tell her that crazy attracts crazy.

Sian said...

If he was a bit taller than me rather than the same height I wouldn't say no.

Star80 said...

Ladies...look at him....now look at your man....now back at him...now back at your man....

Henriette said...

He sounds like a guy who I dated once, but that guy was a professor. On our first and only date he said he was a Dom and only dated submissives. I looked around to see who he was talking to!

This guy is a prize and that's why he is on a free dating website. I mean he is so smart he didn't need to finish grammar school! I like how he says he "looks Italian." What is that? Is that like fake cheese looks like real cheese? If he is not Italian, what is his ethnic group?

I got tears rolling down my face!

Magnus 21 Gunz said...

all I can say is WTF....

shopgirl said...

I can barely read the comments I'm laughing so hard. Too perfect!

Jason Blue Eyes said...

Damn Dani, you sound awesome. ;)

ooopsitsme said...

Very funny post, yes he lost me at well made nipple, Oh, is it essential to have two?

I love the comments, and if I'm ever fool enough to try dating again (which I'm not), I'm going to remember this little horney T-Rex gem.

"crazy attracts crazy" aint that the truth

Beth310 said...

Maybe he requires and needs blow jobs so badly cause his tiny arms prevent him from reaching down to pleasure himself?

Anonymous said...

Oh sigh... Thank you for that! I really needed that laugh!

Anonymous said...

Lol! I almost peed myself when I read this!

Jenn719 said...

@seachica, yes I get hit on all the time when playing Words with Friends. They have no idea what I look like. 2 guys have given me their phone number. No, I didn't ask them for their number.

@Theresa, your comment was my favorite. I almost peed my pants.

Anonymous said...

For some reason all I can picture is Corey Feldman tying furiously on a keyboard.

"could be making lots of money, but choose not to"
"many people's lives are better because of me"

Anyone else see it?

Mango said...

He loves blow jobs because his short T-Rex arms can't reach his junk.

I know, I just *know* that he has a hairy back.

Priscilla said...

Whoever made the harlan ellison comment, high five! (i got lost in the fred.) and i suspect a real dom doesnt have to tell you, kind of like an alpha, but i'm an ols married biddy so what do i know.

Donna said...

i kept thinking pesci he narrated the whole thing in my head.

Centaurea said...

"spankers with tiny arms" lololol

Centaurea said...

I dunno what you guys are ragging on, because he TOTALLY made me smile and I didn't even get spanked first, except by his horrifying writing ;P

LynGBH said...

That one's a charmer.

Dani said...

I had to come back & read this again. The comments are just as entertaining! I haven't decided if I agree more with Maja (its RDJ), This is my life (Feldman), or Mango (can't reach his junk). Either way, good luck to him! Then again, considering the couples I see in my line of work, there are some pretty low standards out there. There may be some petite woman with no self esteem or gag reflex out there wondering how she can get t-rex's digits.

@JasonBE - I am pretty amazing. Or so I've been told...

KittensRUs said...

OMG this just made me appreciate MY fiance SO MUCH! Men everywhere owe this douche a debt of gratitude...all the female readers' men are getting bj's tonight because we appreciate anew that they are nothing like this loser.

KSam said...

Or maybe his grandmother's basement...ha!

KSam said...

Love it...great visual!

Anonymous said...

I can get on that Feldman train. I met him when he came to town for a "rock show" one year. What a fucking joke! Everyone lined up for hours to meet this asshole and someone mentioned the Goonies and he LOST HIS SHIT. He went into his trailer with two bar whores that fucked every band that came through (including Leif Garret and his band, ewwww) and they said he was snorting mountains of cocaine before one of them gave him a hummer. His dick is as tiny in stature as he is apparently. And I mean TINY. He couldn't have been more than 5'3 a buck 10. I mean, he is TEEENY. And super, amazing fucking jerk. HUGE. Thinks he's MicK Jagger or something.

So anyway he comes out on stage FINALLY after making the crowd wait for nearly 4 hours. He's wearing this huge purple furry hat, which look like something Linda Perry rejected circa 1992 and before the end of the FIRST song, all but about 20 people walked. We sold over a thousand tickets. You do the math. He was really that bad. And did I mention the thimble dick. Wow, what a fucking mess that little cocksucker is. So, yeah, I'm down with picturing this as him. Ha!

Lelaina Pierce said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who was puzzled by the need for well made nipples AND breasts. Well made by...? God? Plastic surgeon?

"She means the world to me, and I won't move until she's dead."

That could be part of Grandma's eulogy!

jaariel said...

I was about to ask for his contact info, but then I remembered I'm a 100 yr old scandalous whore.

Dammit, so close to true love!

When will my prince come???

dia papaya said...

Please do it! I want to see what Mr. Tiny Arms (and tinier penis) looks like!!! Puh-leeease!!!!

Not the penis just his face...

dia papaya said...

Yes! I thought the same thing. WoW is for winners!

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

I laughed and cringed all at the same time.

The best parts:

1. Obviously, "alien small" is the best line. An instant classic.

2. One of this required "good things you could have" is not a thief.

3. The second thing he thinks about a lot is guns.

4. And he's interested in women as old as his grandmother.

This is a gem.

dia papaya said...

Hahaha!!!!

DocP said...

That cracked me the hell up! Never posted, but had to thank you for that one!

Kid Sis said...

T-Rex must be good, he's already got half of you biting your lips and he hasn't even touched you yet!

EmEyeKay said...

@Surfer - "he had me at well-made nipple" - THAT'S what I'm going to remember from this, your comment!

vega said...

Well, this is my interpretation of the ad:

- short
- fat
- unambitious
- boring
- uneducated
- uninformed
- egotistical (without much cause)
- tactless
- couch potato
- has low-brow tastes
- cheap

New Life and Attitude said...

OMG I love all of these comments. This one is going down in history. Didn't anyone else picture Danny Devito as this guy given that Taxi (so random) is his favorite TV show? OK gotta go re-read for more laughs.

Yuffie said...

I'd be interested in knowing if anyone seriously responded to him...there are some seriously messed up people out there on both sides.

Anonymous said...

I think this gem is writing from prison. Or possibly the day room from the residential treatment center he's assigned to until two doctors say he can be safely released back into society.

Crystal Jones said...

This guy creeps me out to my core. Reminds me of "american psycho"

p.s. FOXY? Hello 70's!

Crystal Jones said...

@mango- LMAO at TRex arms! Thank you!

Crystal Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kory said...

I am very late to post, but I still have to give props to The Infertile Housewife, that was a great retort. You made me laugh at such a sad situation.

Principessa said...

That's EXACTLY who I'm picturing. In a not good way.

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