Thursday, June 07, 2012

Today Is Make Tom Cruise Seem Sexy Day


I don't know who gave the women from Rock Of Ages their press instructions, but they are all reading from the same page. Make Tom Cruise seem sexy. It kind of makes me think Tom and Katie Holmes might be ending things soon and that Tom needs to look virile for his next ten year wonder. Malin Akerman was promoting the movie and she said the kiss she shared with Tom was the tonguiest tongue kiss of all time and was absolutely amazing. Lets think about that for a second. On second thought, lets not. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. And doing her part for the team is someone who is not stranger to doing her part for the team is Julianne Hough. Earlier in the week she kept telling everyone how Ryan Seacrest could not stop hitting on her even while she was dating another guy. Uh huh. He even did it in front of the other guy. Uh huh. Anyway, she says the director of the movie cut out the lap dance she gave Tom Cruise because the pair just made it too hot for it to be used. Unless she was naked and Tom was using his cowboy on her, a fully clothed lap dance is not going to get cut for being too sexy. But thanks for trying. Tom appreciates it.

95 comments:

anita_mark said...

It's all so damned funny. "Tongueist?" That's so gross.

Anotheramy said...

Bahahaha

Moosefan said...

I hope they either bought something really nice or put that BS check in their rainy day fund. Ladies-we are not buying what you are trying to sell.

cheesegrater15 said...

Barf. I'm going to celebrate National Chocolate Ice Cream Day instead.

luckylass said...

There is nothing they could ever say or do that would make me find Tom Cruise sexy. Good action hero, maybe, but sexy - never. My husband and I can't help but laugh at the trailers. Even he believes all the gossip on Cruise and Travolta - that is saying something.

Cassiopeia said...

Please don't let Malin be the next bot.

Brenda L said...

Oh freaking gag. Why does the whole concept of this movie annoy me so bad? I haven't even seen any trailers and I'm annoyed.

cheesegrater15 said...

Brenda, don't watch the trailers. Every time I've seen one, I've wanted to punch a kitten. It's gonna be complete Andrew Lloyd Webber-esque shit.

Seachica said...

I'd say this is the worst casting ever, but this is the week of lilo as Liz. So I will just say that the scientologists must have some good dirt on the director of this film, because Tom cruise is NEVER going to be believable as a sexy rock god

figgy said...

Seeing the previews, I laughed out loud. I don't care what you do to Tom Cruise, he does NOT have a rock star look. When have you ever seen a rock star whose buffed up and looks like he had steroids for breakfast.

Carolyn said...

I can't believe Tom Cruise used to be on my list of 5. Granted, it was over 20 years ago, but still, I am very ashamed.

Amber said...

Tammy needs a new wig. One that's a little wavy with hints of auburn, perhaps?

AuntJess said...

Its National Chocolate Icecream day? SQUEE! I might steal this from the interwebs just for the hip music in it. Still love Vanilla Sky-Tom can make the fartiest movies on earth and I will still love that film. Most versatility Cammy D has ever shown.

a non a miss said...

My brother looks so much like Tom Cruise (they even have the same name!) That I never have to worry about finding him attractive. Thank you baby jesus.

angie said...

Tom Cruise was unquestionably a hotty back in the day, but he is almost 50 now.

Anotheramy said...

Tom Cruise is a very good actor and knows exactly how to act straight and sexy. :)

timebob said...

They are just trying to sell the movie. If you say Tom Cruise is sexy enough times it will seep into the general publics thinking.

Tom Cruise is no Lizard King.

Steppy said...

I am looking forward to this movie. I grew up with this music and think will movie will be awesome. From the trailers I've seen, Cruise kooks great.

lisap515 said...

@Steppy - Me too! The soundtrack (that word dates me too doesn't it?) alone makes it worth seeing. I take this as a total make fun of big hair 80's bands movie. Rather like an attempt to have another Spinal Tap. Yes, I know nothing will ever compare, but it looks spoofy to me. I can't take it as a serious Rock Opera if that is the goal. I plan to see it, as does everyone else I know from Class of '87! LOL!

Agent**It said...

So now I am wondering about what Enty meant:

"Tom needs to look virile for his next ten year wonder."

They've split. Now who shall we choose for his next contract ?

PunkinElf said...

In Rock of Ages, count how many old guys are with younger women. Hey! We built this city!

cheesegrater15 said...

Tommy Girl has been picking women that were 11 years younger than the previous wife, so who in Hollywood is 11 years younger than Katie?


And here come the $cienotools.

Agent**It said...

OMG, I laughed so hard when I realized it was "Tammy". If emasculation was what they were visually looking for, well, they got it.

selenakyle said...

Well you can TRY, dude, but it ain't happenin' for me.

Cassiopeia said...

Vicki...has he? That's interesting.

Steppy said...

@lisap515 - I'm glad I'm not the only one that "gets it". This movie is poking fun at the era - larger than life lead singers, big hair w/ tons of hair spray (guys & girls), big shoulderpads and all of the other 80's stereotypes, in all of their ridiculous glory! I guess you had to be there to understand :)

Char said...

Thanks Malin. I wish I could un-read that. Those words will haunt me forever. Gross.

cheesegrater15 said...

Mimi Rogers - 1956

Nicole Kidman - 1967

Katie Holmes - 1978

His next wife was born in 1989. I wonder who it will be.

Char said...

@Steppy @lisap see the musical, its awesome. Skip the movie.

lisap515 said...

@Steppy...EXACTLY! :)

Robin the Mad Photographer said...

@Carolyn: That's OK--we've all been infatuated w/completely inappropriate people at times. At least you've wised up and seen the light, so pat yourself on the back, OK?

As for the movie: FWIW, Rolling Stone seemed to think GMD did a pretty good job, and were actually using the O-word (that's "Oscar")...correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the distinct impression that he'd pissed off so many people in Hollywood over the years that his likelihood of ever getting his own little Golden Boy are about the same as my odds of giving birth to the new Messiah (aka RDJ's love child)...It Just Ain't Gonna Happen. (One could also make comments about RS sucking up, but I'll let other people go there.)

lisap515 said...

@Char...I live in small town East Texas. I'd rather see the movie than drive 2 hours in either direction in hopes of finding "culture" LOL! My one musical has been Phantom of the Opera in Vegas. Totally worth it, except the Phantom had a bit of a Liberace vibe, which made it awfully hard to be "Team Phantom" after Gerard's movie version.

Robin the Mad Photographer said...

Vicki: He's my age (50 going on 51, I think he's even a Cancer like me), and his next BotBride would be 23? OK, I'm officially squicked out now... *shudder*

*wanders off to see who was born in 1989*

cheesegrater15 said...

Robin, the list is disturbing. Cross-check with $cientologists and you'll find his next victim. I mean, bride.

lisap515 said...

My oldest is 23. YUCK. I would die. But then, she would be just as grossed out to be hit on by an "old" man, so no worries.

Agent**It said...

Peaches Geldorf

Agent**It said...

... already a Co$ and comes with a baby...

Chilmark said...

Just the photo of him accompanying this makes me both laugh and cringe.

I don't think a split is in the near future because I don't think Katie will ever part with his money. She seems quite happy and content to live separate lives.

I remember it was kind of "common knowledge gossip" back in the Creek days that she was mostly just interested in the fame aspect of the game and was pretty ambivalent about the work, so rising to A list simply be marriage was like her dream come true.

cheesegrater15 said...

I was thinking Riley Keough, but with Lisa Marie leaving, she'll either leave or never talk to her mother again.

pilly said...

Why God WHY??!!!!

lazyday603 said...

Emma Stone was born in 1988. That makes her too old to be his next wife. Good for her. Anyway she should beard for some guy nearer her own age.

AuntJess said...

Don't worry everybody, its not like he'll be having sex with any new young bride.

Sherry said...

VickiCupper..You never cease to make me laugh..Punch a kitten indeed. Yeah, seriously how old is Tom? As I have stated earlier he's a little long in the tooth to be playing a rock anything, unless he's playing a real rock.
Robin: Can you translate your second paragraph please? Too many acronyms I don't understand and it seems like juicy stuff.

cheesegrater15 said...

But he'll lobotomize her and verbally and mentally abuse her, like Katie.

Robin the Mad Photographer said...

@Sherry: GMD=Gay Midget Dwarf, aka Tommy boy. I'm not sure who came up w/the term first; I think it may have been Lainey.

Basically, Rolling Stone was raving about Tom's performance in Rock of Ages, suggesting it was Oscar-caliber, but supposedly he's pissed off so many people over the years that he'll never get an Oscar at this point--hence me joking that his getting an Oscar is about as likely as my having Robert Downey, Jr.'s baby and said baby turning out to be the Messiah...

Not. Happening. :-)

Karen said...

Here's a list of all actors/actresses born in 1989, according to IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/search/name?birth_date=1989-01-01,1989-12-31

He should pick Lucy Hale; he'd actually appear tall in comparison.

Agent**It said...

Vicki, Riley Keoug is "allegedly" engaged.

With Hologram Elvis being developed, there's a huge windfall of money to be had. Hopefully, Lisa will get them all out safely. I hope.

cheesegrater15 said...

Agent, Priscilla is in way too deep to be saved. I just hope LM and her kids get out with the $eaOrg helping them commit suicide.

califblondy said...

I'm focusing more on Mary J. Blige than Tom, so I'll definitely be seeing this movie.

I liked Vanilla Sky too and I also thought his acting in Rain Man was really good. It's too bad that Dustin took the Oscar for that one.

Anyhoo, he's still a weirdo and anyone getting involved with him needs help.

RenoBlondee said...

I used to love him in the 80's and 90's and it was so weird finding out all this stuff about him (and many others!). Hollywood is so disenchanting!

lisap515 said...

agreed...don't look behind the curtain if you want to enjoy "Oz".

Agent**It said...

@Vicki, I wonder if Village Voice will be part of LM's narrative if she tries to get out? It would give her a huge additional level of safety.I mean a gazillion readers following, (not with tweets) but through a real journalistic effort by the Voice to document it. Let's hope:)

Elizabeth said...

Watching Xenu comment here is surreal.

I never found Tom sexy at all, it's like he's asexual. This Rock of Ages movie looks terrible and I like several of the other actors; I even find Russell Brand quite funny, not good looking but great dry wit. I just don't think they can overcome the material. When I watch the trailer I picture people leaving the movie saying..."so that happened".

Elizabeth said...

Vanilla Sky was good until the end when Tom starts yelling "Technical support! Technical Support!" Har.

lazyday603 said...

The problem this movie has is that during the 80's a lot of people hated the dumb arena rock that this play celebrates. Rock split into two when punk & new wave came along. The smart kids followed Talking Heads, The Cure, New Order, Police, U2, The Clash and Elvis Costello. The dumb guys who spent all their time fixing cars listened to the geography bands celebrated in Rock of Ages (Foreigner, Journey, Asia, Kansas, Europe, Boston - see the geography trend in the names?). I see more people not wanting to listen to that crap than being interested in seeing a 50 year old Tom Cruise pretend to be Axl Rose. I think this movie will crash & burn.

AuntJess said...

@Elizabeth Whenever my husband and I are in an incredibly boring situation together our code for GTFO is "How was Aspen?" Our code for I'm so drunk take me home is "I'm so fucked up" well I guess that's not really code but it makes us giggle. Teehee.

Redheat said...

Having been a participant in the real Rock of Ages, have to admit that I am curious. Just listening to those old hair band songs would bring waves of nostalgia. The turn off is Tom, sorry but I can't get past all the weirdness. Do not find him sexy AT ALL, and his attempting to appear so, just is kind of creepy.

I also am completely turned off by an older actor (Tom) giving lots of tongue to a much younger actress (Malin), that also creeps me out.

Lurky Loo said...

I feel so old. I clearly remember when everyone DID think he was sexy. Funny how no one would admit to it now LOL. Can't blame them his creepiness has really taken him to the dark side.

Agent**It said...

@ lazyday603 LOL

Elizabeth said...

Aunt Jess, Ha! What if someone hears and asks about Aspen?

As for Malin, it's weird that she starred with Katie in that movie The Romantics so it makes me think of this weird fake dynamic between the three of them. Gah, tongue kissing Tom Cruise, just...no.

Sherry said...

Thanks Robin..I had no idea he pissed off so many people in H'wd.

@LazyDay..Some of us listened to all of those bands although I had a preference for the former. I wouldn't neccesarily say that made me smarter or listening to latter made me want to fix my car.

lisap515 said...

We ALL listened to Talking Heads,
U2, Police, AND the big Hair bands in our area. Def Leppard (ROCK OF AGES) HYSTERIA, Bon Jovi SLIPPERY WHEN WET...OMG how can you not appreciate?! Poison, Warrant, Ratt some of THOSE we turned our noses up at...but Motley Crue, Guns and Roses, Queen, Journey. Geez. Of course Cyndi Lauper, Duran Duran and the like were prevalent too. I'm sorry but 80's music wins every time for feel good or head bang fun!

cheesegrater15 said...

Lurky, meh. I remember trying to think he was hot back in the day, but he was like Johnny Depp to me. Great movies, but no tingles. Now he's just $cientoloweird.

AuntJess said...

Elizabeth it depends. Sometimes I smile and say Aspen Dental lol. Although I'd like to be cheeky say we were there playing ski football with the Kennedys. #toosoon?

Lurky Loo said...

Interesting post Lazyday,

My husband loved the metal bands when he was in college and I liked the more cerebral bands that you mentioned. But the "smartness" analysis is off here, my husband is a physicist and still is very fond of those hair bands LOL

cyberisis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cyberisis said...

This is interesting. I was in the grocery store yesterday and one of the tabloids had a cover story about shocking pictures of Cruise in bed with another woman and how Katie is going to leave him over it.

Karen said...

@cyberisis, the only shocking thing would be that he was in bed with a woman!

cyberisis said...

@*karen*, true dat...

ForSure said...

I just changed that quote to some guy named Matthew Ackerman claiming that he got a tongue kiss from Tom Cruise, and the world seems right again.

Moosefan said...

Class of '89 here. Loved the music from that era and my hubby and I use it every chance we get to embarrass our children and ourselves (nothing is more fun then doing karaoke to Pour some Sugar on me and people holding up sugar packets).
I cannot get past TC. Ever since the jumping on the couch and glib comments-sorry.

Carolyn said...

Class of '87 and loved the big hair, 80's music and MTV over-saturation. Still don't think I will ever see this movie.

Bit dams said...

ewwww! julianne is on access hollywood now. she has said "tom cruise is ridiculously hot" twice and that just thinking about him onset (when he was singing) gives her chills. (blech!)

The Bitch Next Door said...

So will Malin be the newest beard/protege for Tammy Boy?

crila16 said...

I don't care what Tom says, does...or who he does. I like watching him in movies. He's not a phenominal actor...but he's had some fantastic roles and some classic movies. The Risky Business scene will always be famous. He's never done anything to me, so I'm going to just keep on liking him until he does. What he does in his personal life is none of my business.

figgy said...

...and heeeeeere's Steppy with the $cientologist love right on schedule.

I graduated high school in 1981, and trust me, I lived through those days. I remember when both Tom Cruise and John Travolta were hot. haha. I partied to these rock bands.

...so casting Tom Cruise, NOW, in 2012, in the role of a 1980s hair band rocker? Nnnnno. No. I could cut bangs on myself and tease them up into a frenzy and wear a dress-for-success suit but I'm NOT going to pass for the 20-something version of myself.

The movie's ruined before it began.

Nattery said...

Oh Steppy .... So predictable. We get it, you like Tommy girl.

MISCH said...

Sorry not possible

MISCH said...

Sorry not possible

Texshan said...

Class of '87 here. Loved 80's music, still listen to it. And you could not pay me enough money to see this train wreck of a movie. I cannot sign on to TommyGirl playing a "rock god." No way, no how.

Also, I loathe Catherine Zeta Jones, and she's in the movie, too.

car54 said...

I love the commercials for Rock of Ages---Tom looks so happy he gets to wear all that eyeliner.

poovey-tunt said...

Class of '88. I'll miss eighties music forever, a pox on anyone who says it sucks, but no, you couldn't pay me to watch this one either.

My sister, though (class of '90) still adores TC. She doesn't care a whit about the crazy.

She also takes almost everything People prints as gospel, so....

mooshki said...

"the scientologists must have some good dirt on the director of this film"

I think it's more likely that Adam has a big crush on Tom. He talked about being completely star-struck when they met a few years ago.

libby said...

I think TC is an okay actor, but ONLY when there's no sex in the character. He can't act sexy. Just can't. He is literally the opposite of sex.

He's really only good with good material, though. I really loved "Minority Report", and TC was great in it, but I saw it for the STORY, not the star.
If he didn't keep getting such good material (his Co$ connections help), he would have faded at least a decade ago. He's so blank as an actor. JMO.

CanadianMiss said...

I'd watch this movie, though probably on dvd. It seems like fun, campy entertainment. And I'd definitely be singing along! I had a long bus ride to and from school, and always had hair bands playing in my "sony cassette walkman!" :)

tamarind said...

Malin, Malin, Malin....you went to far this time-to promote your new movie!!! you lost about a hundred coolness points.

sdfghnjm said...

Class of '79 here and I love the 1980's hair bands! Actually I like TC, and think he can be sexy as all get out, Top Gun had a sex scene left to the imagination and in Risky Business it was rumored that he and Arquette actually had sex on the bus.

They're promoting the heck out of it so I'm hoping it will be watchable at least, and not over-hyped.

cheesegrater15 said...

I don't remember David Arquette being in Risky Business.


You ridiculous $cientolognomes need to adjust your E-meters.

astrogirl said...

Did CoS finance this film or what? I don't want to see granpa midget Cruise bopping around the stage like a demented overweight Iggy Pop. Serious miscasting.

Tr├ębuchet said...

Bah ha ha, Tommy Girl and tonguiest.

Oh but I had completely boycotted all TC movies since forever until Ghost Protocol (got bored, and it was the $1 rental at redbox). I just don't think TC is that good; the movie was good, in spite of TC. Kept thinking about his shoe lifts being the unsung gadget in that movie.

Def. going back to my boycotting ways. TC is sooooo creepy.

mooshki said...

You nailed it, Libby. I really liked Knight and Day, and I thought Tom & Cam looked like they were having a great time together, but even though they had really good chemistry, there was nothing even slightly sexual about it.

Steppy said...

So it's true! Nattery, figgy, vicky cupper are lesbians. Not the cool ones that could be your best friend, but the man hating, venom spewing kind. It must suck to be filled with hate.

lunabelle said...

I am excites to see this movie. I loved (still love) both hair bands and The Cure etc.
I think Tom Cruise might be great. Isn't he supposed to be playing an aging rock star? Apparently the film and musical are quite different.
I am more annoyed by Julianne heough or whatever her name is. She was part of the Footloose remake I refuse to watch and puts my teeth on edge.

Agent**It said...

Valkyrie , The Last Samurai , Born on the Fourth of July and Rain Man are my favorite TC movies.

Lelaina Pierce said...

@cyberisis - Ha! I saw that cover at the grocery store this weekend and emailed it to Enty. ;)

I LOVED the musical, so I'm sure I'll see this, just probably not in the theater. I know he's a bit of a freak in real life but I don't think Tom is a terrible actor.

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