Friday was the day. Unfortunately, because I had to work late, my mom had to wait 24 hours to see George Clooney's ass. We should have waited forever. I guess I should mention that my mom sees all George Clooney films the day they open. She says it is her way of thanking him for making her life with my dad bearable. I choose to ignore what she means by that statement.
All week leading up to the film, people would ask what are you doing this weekend and I would say, “I'm taking my mom to see that new George Clooney, Brad Pitt film.” They would invariably ask what it was called and for the life of me, all week I could not remember. I would say, “Read After Burning” or “Burning After Reading” or just tell them I couldn't remember and that it was the new Coen Brothers film.
For the record you should probably burn out your eyes before going to see the film. Or your ears. Actually your best bet is just to be deaf and blind and hope that your sight or hearing doesn't come back before the DVD comes out.
Oh, it all started out well enough. Mom and her flask and just humming that Facts Of Life song with a little grin on her face. Me? Straight to the bar. Surprisingly the Arclight bar was only half filled at 330 in the afternoon on a Saturday. Most people were having red wine, like they were kidding themselves it was the middle of the afternoon. I don't kid around, so just ordered whiskey and didn't give a crap. On the way into the film we saw Berta coming out. Sure, I know now her name is Conchata Ferrell, but you see the maid from Two And A Half Men, let me here you come out with her name. She looked miserable and depressed. Not a good sign. It was like she had wasted two hours of her life she would never get back. And this from a woman who works with Charlie Sheen.
Even in the middle of the afternoon, the place was almost full. Oh, sure everyone was excited when it began. Even some clapping. In fact, the previews were great. Milk and The Soloist look great. When the film started though, out of the first say 100 words of dialogue, the first 15 were f bombs. After about the 5th, it was old. The total for the film was somewhere in the 100 range. John Malkovich played the same damn character he always plays, just at a louder volume. Tilda Swinton was awful. She plays John's wife and is supposed to be having an affair with George Clooney. Well, there is no chemistry and her character actually seemed like she would never have sex, so I didn't understand it. George Clooney, was ok. Played a dumb ass, but he alternated between tough guy and moron, and it didn't work. Brad Pitt? He was funny as hell, BUT ONLY because it was Brad Pitt playing him and so you were laughing at that fact rather than the character. The character was stupid. Frances McDormand? Meh. She was ok. Probably the best of the bunch.
The only saving grace of the film were two bit parts that were in the film on two separate occasions. I told someone to rent the DVD, and then changed my mind and said, no because they would just turn it off. Unfortunately I couldn't get up and leave. The movies and George Clooney is like church to my mom. You don't get up until the end. But even mom, the woman who actually liked that Chuck Barris film he did, didn't like him in this. Plus there was no naked ass. Oh you should have seen mom squirming when George was taking a shower at one point, but no luck for her, and I'm sure none for dad that night.
Oh, I'm sure some of you saw it this weekend and will say, it was a combination of elements and there was weave or some kind of garbage like that. It sucked. Even the Coen Brothers are not perfect, and it sucked. All the clapping at the beginning of the film? Not so much at the end. None. Just some mumbling about what the hell they just watched and a lot of confused faces.