Friday, March 13, 2009

Ted C Blind Item

Schlong Fenn is a real schmuck—everybody knows he treats women worse than his liver, everybody. And yes, more than a few folks are aware Schlong, who's infinitely talented in his many different creative endeavors, likes to reserve the right to Charlie Sheen it up and pay for his booty.

And as if this is going to surprise anybody, Schlong isn't just paying the ladies to distract him from his many other (nonpaid) gal interests, he's going for porn stars, too. That's what happens, right? I mean, it's like drugs, I guess—one minute you're tokin' on a little Black Gold, then—wham!—-you're shootin' up with Fake à la Ferocity, right? Right: So much so…

That a chick who was just filming a porn movie—high-budget stuff, no joke—right across the street from Schlong's fancyass pad just happened to end up doing Schlong, too. Hmm…wonder what S.P. was doing over there anyway, borrowing a cup of lube?

'Cause the nasty freak surely doesn't use condoms, that we know. But get this: In the course of diddling the pretty hung dude (damn shame Schlong's usually so wasted he really doesn't know what to do with his gift of an organ), she discovered that Mr. Fenn is currently having a longstanding affair with another porn actress!

Crazy, I just love this! While everybody is so frantic wondering why Schlong and his gal broke up (and then got back together and broke up and then, well, you know the boring story), no one's put it together that that other babe's a triple-X kinda gal! Oh, and that's not even the best part.

In some states (maybe all of them?), I don't believe Madame X is old enough to be having sex, much less making a living photographing it.

It Ain't: Diddy, Nick Lachey, Rob Pattinson

67 comments:

canadachick said...

i say Tommy Lee.....suppose it could be John Mayer though

ohmysweetjeebus said...

sean penn!

JJ said...

Sean Penn and Fake à la Ferocity is Lindsay Lohan

cate said...

Sean Penn and Black Gold is the female rapper - that I'm too lazy to look up - jail/car accident...I don't remember the incident...it was just odd.

Goodgrief said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cate said...

Hmmm maybe black gold isn't a person if he was tokin' it. It's a foreign language for me. ;)

Ernestine said...

I say Sean Peen as well, but just to let you know, JJ, Fake a la Ferocity is SUPPOSEDLY Angelina.

In Ted Speak (which is bumbling and nonsensical, always, but please don't get me started), Morgan Mayhem is Lindsay. Pixie Mixie is Nicole. Paris is Slurpa Pop-Off, though she DOES have other nicknames that are variations of her being a big ol' slut.

And can we ALL just finally agree that Jakey is Toothy Tile so maybe Ted will stop fucking writing about his ass every couple of weeks? Pretty much EVERYBODY ELSE has been eliminated during the past few years or so (and infinite kudos to the brave souls who've wandered through Ted's words to find incidents wherein TT is mentioned and have catalogued those bigass lists of eliminated dudes).

Yeah, it's totally Sean. Douchenozzle. I hope Robin never lets this asshole touch her ladygarden! What's the APPEAL, anyway? Ew.

Goodgrief said...

Lindsey is Morgan Maynem not Fake,Schlong has to be Sean Penn, the names are just too similar for it not to be.

-amanda- said...

did anyone else notice that he used the initials "S.P." instead of "S.F."?

this one is pretty obvious with just that slip up plus the name alone!

j74 said...

Sean Penn rhymes with Schlong Fenn. lol

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Did he actually put "S.P." instead of "S.F."????

Boy, Ted isn't even TRYING to hide this one...

Goodgrief said...

I also think fake is Angie(Fake à la Ferocity knows how to have it all. She’s got the fans, the perfect relationship, the career, the love, the adoration)

jax said...

Aloha Mr. Hand.
Spicolli for the win.

JJ said...

Ah! Thanks for the Angelina-Fake connection. When did Sean and Angie hook up?

Ice Angel said...

I don't know, guys...I'm thinking Sean Penn is almost TOO easy for this. The thing that bothers me about it is that he refers to his on and off again partner as his "gal" and not his "wife." It seems as though this guy is not married.

Also-he talks about his multiple artistic endeavors. What does SP do other than act? I know he directs, etc...but it seems like the person would be actor/musician, etc...

The other thing is that the AIAs do not relate to him, do they? Unless something with Diddy and Eve (was that who it was?) and NL was married to a beautiful blonde, but RP??? Did SP ever play a vampire?

canadachick said...

fake-ala ferocity is married....Angelina isn't.

Ice Angel said...

Also, the person in this blind sounds like an alckie and not a druggie. I always thought of Sean as a druggie.

Remember too that Schlong Fenn sounds a lot like Shenn Fein, the Irish terrorist group.

West End Girl said...

I can almost accept it's Penn (yuck) but I'm not sure how the "it's not" work.

Ice Angel said...

So also, is the last part of the blind saying that Schlong's lady is also into XXX? Can any of you see RWP being into that? I really don't know.

Also-it says we know he doesn't use condoms. How do we know this? Is there someone with lots of illigitimate kids running around?

Ice Angel said...

Canada,

Where did you see Fake was married? I thought it just said the "father of her children."

ohmysweetjeebus said...

i always thought F Ala F was gwyneth?

Rebecca said...

Sean "Diddy" Combs

Lachey married a pop star

Pattinson supposedly plays gay in Sherlock Holmes.

Sean Penn for the win.

Ice Angel said...

Sean Penn did not marry a pop star.

canadachick said...

"She needed to get off her substantial habit so she could not only save her home life and marriage but make a movie, too."

doubles doctors for drugs from TEd.

kariodi said...

I'm not sure if this is Sean Penn or not but he was married to a pop star, Madonna.

Goodgrief said...

Well if FAF is married, Gwynnie is a good guess, but does she even have a homelife with Chris? Seems like he has been "touring" pretty much their entire marriage. Everything else would fit tho.

Khemenu said...

"Sean Penn did not marry a pop star."


He did: Sean Penn was married to madonna

Ms Cool said...

I'm terrible at these blinds but I have to respond

Ice Angel - I'm not sure if you are being sarcastic but Sean Penn did marry Madonna. If anyone were considered to be a pop star, it would be her. I'm not sure I would consider Jessica Simpson to be one though...

Also, I don't know how Ted's blinds work because I usually can't get through them but Robert Pattinson's initials are the same as Sean Pean's current wife.

figgy said...

Ice Angel, maybe you're too young to remember, ;-), but Sean Penn was married to Madonna, the ultimate pop star.

stiffkittens said...

Fake is known to be false blinds to get back at the Brange for not letting Ted go to A Mighty Heart(?) premiere (they actually banned him from attending).

I think Ted talks out of his ass more times than he actually gets a true blind (the old ones about Hohan, Paris and Nicole are believable - but gossip is running dry in HW, it seems).

Obviously Penn, and it'll be funny if the semi-illiterate fool gets sued for this.

svd said...

huh,....i was thinking John Mayer.

Rebecca said...

The thing about Fake ala Ferocity is that everyone calls Angie Brad's wife. Even news outlets and newspapers. They're technically not married, but everyone assumes they are.

I once thought it was Gwyneth also, but Chris Martin is not much of a hunk as it says in the blind. He's not bad looking, but a hunk?

Rebecca said...

Correction about Robert Pattinson. He'll play a gay character in Little Ashes, not Sherlock Holmes.

kanonymous said...

"fake-ala ferocity is married....Angelina isn't"

Ted has said before that Angelina and Brad ARE married to each other.

califblondy said...

Colin Farrell was another popular guess in the comments section of E!, but I gotta go with Sean.

Margaret said...

Gotta be Penn. Robin filed for divorce sometime recently, end of last year? Then they got back together. Totally fits.

(The other babe is the triple-x kind, not the "gal")

Great job all!

MontanaMarriott said...

Rumor has it that Brad and Angie have been secretly married like Janet Jackson and Rene were years ago. You can prove it by the fact that all the kids have his last name, something that cannot be done unless both were married/domestic partners.

I first thought sleaze old PIVEN, but Sean Penn matches hands down.

kimi said...

I think he just mentioned Fake Ferocity - AKA Angelina Jolie, as a reference that she is still on the hard stuff. For 34 her veins are pretty rough. Def talking about Sean Penn and his young, underage porn star girlfriend and all the hookers in between. No condoms. Gross.

kimi said...

Oh, and I also felt Penn was such a jerk at the oscars because there was some girlfriend watching that he didn't want to piss off.

Katie said...

Remember too that Schlong Fenn sounds a lot like Shenn Fein, the Irish terrorist group.

A dhaiune uaisle:

Sinn Fein (pronounced shin-FAYne) is a political party. It was the political wing of the IRA, but it is a legitimate party, not a self-contained terrorist group. Just sayin'.

My money's on Schlong Penn. I mean Sean Penn. Carry on.

grá,
Katie

Jeannies Bottle said...

I think Brad and Angie ARE married

Princess said...

You can prove it by the fact that all the kids have his last name, something that cannot be done unless both were married/domestic partners.

===========================

I don't know about in California, but where I live, two people do not have to be married for a child to have the father's last name. Remember, when BP adopted Maddox and he became Maddox Jolie-Pitt. I don't think they were married at that point. Also, all of the children have the last name Jolie-Pitt.

Please, if someone knows the answer, do tell: In California, do you have to be married in order for a child to have the father's last name?

As for the blind, I thought Sean Penn as soon as I read the name. When Teddy put S.P. that just sealed the deal for me.

Harriet Hellfire said...

I saw the "S.P" too - didn't make the connection at all ( I am really terrible at guessing blinds...*L*)but I thought that must have meant something...

I agree that Sean Penn is a good guess though. Although I have a hard time seeing anything negative about him at the moment because I just watched "Milk" the other night...and he was amazing in it. Totally deserving of that Oscar.

Lisa said...

No, you do NOT have to be married in order for a child to have the father's last name in California.

Jillian S. said...

How much more obvious could this be? Ted even f'ed up and refered to "Schlong Fenn" as SP!

cate said...

this is in reference to FF -

http://evilbeetgossip.film.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/angelina.jpg

Those are seemingly well-placed tattoos, right?

AnnMarie said...

I agree with the majority here. It's Sean Penn.
And while I saw the "SP," too, I'm inclined to think that it was not a mistake. I don't know the motivation, but it seems TOO clumsy, paired with the sound-alike fake name.

stiffkittens said...

cate - Those tattoos were done during/before her marriage to BBT. Even if they are heroin related, it's not proof that her issue is current (and it would be more believable if they were stars ;)).

Terrance said...

Angelina has always had bulging veins. They show up more when she is really thin. Sarah Jessica Parker has the same kind of veins. The thinner she gets, the more her veins show.

Terrance said...
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john said...

Wasn't Sean Penn in a BI about someone who was beating up their wife? This guy is a prince.

Anonymous said...

when did they start filming porn in marin? Lol!

kimi said...

I just thought of something! Maybe that is why Angie ignores Ryan Seaquest is because he is from E News and so is Ted Casablanca. Maybe they quietly complained so E donated that money to their charity yet she still is frosty cause she doesn't want anyone to think she is less then perfect.

Katie said...

sean penn. sometimes ted will just pretty much throw us a bone.

littlemanwhatnow said...

rumor has it sean pen had an affair with eve the rapper

angelina said...

John Mayer

J said...

Robin Penn has the patience of Joab...

This is without a doubt Sean Penn..The toke of Black Gold was Eve, whom he was screwing and getting high with and bailed out of jail when she caught a DUI

He has a history of hookers and porn stars, this isnt surprising

It seems he and Madge were made for each other..You couldn't find two more selfish bastards

I thought the epitome was when he didn't thank Robin when he won...It undermined his win, IMO..Most people know how he treats her and he didn't even acknowledge her, what an asshole!

His other creative endeavors would probably be his philosphies, he's very opinionated although rarely interviewed

I don't get the attraction(besides the wood, I hear he's hung) but he's a pee wee and he is not attractive..And the arrogance is just sickening...Why are women still having sex with this man(besides money)? I hope his wife wakes up...

Fake a la is Angelina...Ted hates her, wishes he were her and drops ancient info about her heroin use from Angie's one time lesbian lover...Although I'm not sure if she uses now, it would be kind of hard with all those kids..but who knows? It would be really odd b/c wasn't Jen's cocaine use a source of contention in their split? Guess he has bigger problems now, if true...

Bad Fish said...

Major actor is sleeping with underage porn star. Let's all just turn our heads and write a blind item about it. Fuck you, Ted.

dragonlady said...

Hey Kimi - just to let you know I also have ugly bulging veins and does my mother - its just a gross thing about some people's bodies (oh and when it is hot they really bulge) - it doesn't mean that someone is a heroin addict (unless mum is hiding something from me - haha!!)

oh yeah - and sean penn - who exactly is the underage porn star though - that is revolting - and how is that allowed?

Judi said...

Read the name and the first sentence and knew it was Penn. Now I'll read the rest.

Charlene said...

Please, if someone knows the answer, do tell: In California, do you have to be married in order for a child to have the father's last name?

--

In every state but one, the parents can give the child any damn last name they want.

Judi said...

Lisa at 11:48 answered that no, in California, parents do not have to be married for the child to have both names. Want to add that the dad only needs to recognize the child, i.e., his name appears on the birth certificate as the dad, for the child to be able to have both names. When Brad adopted the kids, he legally became their dad. Included in adoption proceedings, if the parents want, a child's name can be changed to whatever they choose. A new birth certificate or "delayed registration of birth" is then issued by that state's registrar.

Anonymous said...

Sean Penn never married a pop star.

We'll remember that next time Miss Know-It-All tries to teach the class.

Anonymous said...

There was a previous Ted Blind Item that Enty posted once. The post also contained initials that were different than the BI's full name. When I checked Ted's original post vs. Enty's, I found that Enty typed the initials wrong.

However, in this case, the initials match what was in Ted's post.

Jillian S. said...

I checked on Ted's site to make sure and the SP is authentic.

Starburst said...

Sean Penn and Madonna were married.

Christ almighty.

Uncle Binty said...

Sean Penn lives in a small town in Marin Country, where they would never film a porn flick. (I've driven by his house; he has no neighbors.) Almost all U.S. porn is filmed in the San Fernando Valley. Therefore, it most definitely cannot be Penn.