Friday, November 20, 2009

Ted C Blind Item

Darlings, we were going to give you a New Moon Vice update, but for all of you who are so sick of vampires you could cry blood, we'll reward you by bringing back an oldie but yummy goodie.

Remember Crotch Uh-Lastic, the hunky, rising male star who would hire men to come back to his Hills pad, dress up in some swim trunks and get the naughty party started?

We can't believe it's almost been two years, but Crotch has officially risen, like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters! Mr. Uh-Lastic has solidified himself as a respected Hollywood actor, which means it's time to be even more discreet 'bout his homolicious ways...

See, Crotch would love to go out, hit up the gay scene and bring himself back a cutie. But as the fagola Hollywood story goes, he so cannot out himself.

Not because he cares about being famous. No, Toothy Tile Crotch is not. Instead, CUL is more concerned how his sexuality would hinder the roles he gets, 'cause he's now being taken oh so seriously. He loves acting—not the ritzy lifestyle that comes with it. He doesn't even care that much about hurting his beard (if Toothy outted himself, it would be very damning to the both of them, in many, many ways).

So what's a horny, dude-loving guy to do?

Sic his assistant on the unknowing gay population of Los Angles, natch. Only problem is the de-lish men in West Hollywood are totally starting to catch on—and they're blabbin' about it, too! Halle-homo-lujah!

Mr. Lastic's assistant frequents the standard WeHo gay bars, successfully luring back men for his famous master. Too funny: It's also the exact same dude-fishing MO Furrowed Frank uses when he has his trainer lure future conquests for him at the gym!

Only problem is, if said man isn't interested in hooking up with Crotch on the down-low, the guy has no reason not to spread it around to his gossip-lovin' friends. Seems pretty strange to us, as Mr. U.-L. is as hunky doable as they come.

And as sneaky as Crotch would like to be, more and more people 'round town are starting to hear about what goes down, literally, up in his Hollywood home. And it's not just poolside, folks.

Think any of these guys will out dear old Crotchy soon? Doubtful. With his adorable dimples, more men will jump at the chance to jump CUH and then shut up about it after than won't. But remember, it only takes one.

And It Ain't: Alexander SkarsgÄrd, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe

47 comments:

Ms Cool said...

Huh? He lost me at "like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters!"

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Bradley Cooper maybe? I'm drawing a blank here.

Quintessential Southerner said...

**rolls eyes**

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Ms Cool, that could actually be a clue, knowing Ted!

shazzzba said...

I THINK IT'S BRADLEY COOPER ALSO, I'VE SEEN HIM ON THE STREET....THERE IS NO WAY THAT MAN IS STRAIGHT.

Quintessential Southerner said...

^^^lol@shazzzba.

Bubulle said...

Crotch Uh-Lastic = James franco

Mrs.M5 said...

i thought Bradley Cooper, too. isn't he 'with' Renee Z.? it would probably be harmful to her reputation to be caught with another suspected gay man, after the whole Kenny Chesney ordeal...but i'm terrible at BI's, so who knows

Ms Cool said...

I can't get through his blinds. Plus, the gay blinds are so stupid and boring.

empyrios said...

hmmmm someone with dimples....

Cooper and Franco are both possibilities

sunnyside1213 said...

It's Franco. This blind has been around forever; before Cooper was a household name.

Bubulle said...

Can't be Bradley Cooper the BI says the guy is seen as a serious actor.

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Not disputing the Franco guess, I like it and consider him to be a much more serious actor than Cooper, which gels with the item, but who is Franco's beard? I think of him as perpetually single. I also thought he lived in N.Y. It could just be my ignorance about him speaking, does he have a GF and does he live in L.A.?

empyrios said...

Ahna O'Reilly is his gf.

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Thanks, empyrios

empyrios said...

np :)

not sure if he lives in LA though. isn't he doing General Hospital right now? they shoot in hollywood...

Jesse D said...

I love blinds as much as the next person, but I DON'T like blinds involving the "outing" of actors and actresses. Ted's Toothy Tile business has felt like a witch hunt for a long time now. Give it up!

figgy said...

maybe I'm just evil, but I love the "outing" blinds.

Once many, many celebrities are out of the closet (by choice or not), it will go a long way toward homosexuality not being a stigma.

I was thinking Cooper, but could be Franco too.

figgy said...

naming Ryan Phillippe is a BIG hint at Toothy Tile's beard being Reese Witherspoon--and Toothy therefore being Jake Gyllenhaal.

Which we all knew anyway.

kris said...

What about the dude that played SMith in Sex in the city...didn't he get a new show? Of course, I don't know if that would mean people take him as a serious actor...

Stardust said...

How about Joseph Gordon Levitt?

Stardust said...

Oh wait, he lives in NY.

Ice Angel said...

Question for all my fellow Toothy Freaks-is Ted saying that Crotch is concerned about his roles and that all Toothy cares about is fame and money? I'm sorry, but I never really got that vibe from Jake at all. If anything, he seems to live life pretty much on the DL. I don't see him hitting the hottest clubs, the red carpet premiers, etc...He seems so...well...normal!

linoge1 said...

Lately I find most BI apply to Gerard Butler.
Although I never seen him with any lady on his arm.So I have no idea on the beard thing.

RocketQueen said...

Ah, ok then, thanks to the person who mentioned Franco has a girlfriend. Definitely Franco for this one.

Amit! said...

Ew? This made my head hurt.

Quintessential Southerner said...

jake g. may not be much into socializing, but that doesn't mean he can't be ambitious. many biz dealings happen in back rooms and over private lunches.

Ice Angel said...

I'll say Bradley Cooper. Isn't he dating Renee Zellwegger? Isn't she known for being a beard for people like George Clooney and Kenny Chesney?

jean said...

CUH has to have dimples "With his adorable dimples, more men will jump at the chance..." which makes me think Franco is out for this one...and Bradley Cooper..

Jake Gyllenhall is my guess because he's been around for awhile and he's taken seriously. James Franco is kind of a "funny guy" who can sorta take on serious roles...he's not necessarily taken seriously and his girlfriend isn't important enough to warrent this blind. I say Gyllenhall most likely...

Whoever it is has to have dimples.

Isabel said...

James Franco.

RocketQueen said...

Franco has mad dimples.

Sophie said...

The original blind is commonly accepted to be Franco, and this one (unfortunately) confirms it for me. It wouldn't ruin his current gf's career (Ahna whatever) because she is a nobody. Lainey mentions her pedigree today - she once did a movie called 'Herpes' something or other!

DJ said...

zac efron? i don't remember the previous Crotch Uh-Lastic blinds - maybe efron was eliminated already?

Danielle said...

Am I the only one who thinks this SCREAMS Zac Efron?

Sylvia said...

Zac Efron looks too girly.

Gin said...

I've thought this was Franco foreeeever. Everything fits, and it's so annoying to me that for the last couple of years he's been living in NY going to to school hasn't he?!?! I don't doubt that he has a pad in Hollywood, but I feel this blind makes it seem like Crotch has been stationed in Hollywood for a while now. Or is that just me?

selenakyle said...

I'm with Ms. Cool...

For f*ck's sake, Ted! I can't read his drivel. On Fridays my mind is blown from work and life enough already without trying to decipher his stupid-ass, lame homo-speak.

I am sick of caring who is gay and who isn't. How 'bout we just assume...

WE ARE ALL HALF-GAY and be done with it.

Mooshki said...

Speaking of Jakey-Poo, I just saw a trailer for Prince of Persia, and man does that ever look like a crappy movie. And that's a genre that I love.

lutefisk said...

James Franco has had steady work since 1999, I don't think that would be up-and-coming.

looserdude said...

I'm going to have to jump on the who cares bandwagon. I think the only people who really care about this sort of thing are gay guys who like fantasizing about hunky actors. Nothing wrong with that, but otherwise, who cares?

Cheryl said...

There are whole websites devoted to people keeping track of Ted blinds and nicknames. The girls at blind items exposed comes to mind. As others have said, CUH is supposed to be James Franco.

Now, whether or not Ted is truthful is another issue.

Ice Angel said...

Ted has stated quite recently that Zac has never been the subject of a blind.

LottaColada said...

Def James Franco. He's taken serious now with his Milk role and all

Anonymous said...

Josh Holloway from Lost (which has many hills) has dimples (his character calls the woman who plays his "love" interest on the show "dimples"). Don't know who his significant other though. Or, maybe it's just someone from The Hills with dimples. The question is: where exactly are those dimples!

UrbanRube said...

Josh Holloway is married, so it's probably not him or his being married would have been mentioned.

Sarah-Catherine said...

I really think that this is Chris Pine.

The Goon said...

They should have tortured the Guantanamo Bay prisoners by forcing them to read Ted C blind items out loud for hours. It would’ve been way worse then water boarding.