Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Engaged? Not Engaged? It Doesn't Matter - The Jennifer Love Hewitt/Jennifer Garner Conspiracy Theory


There seems to be a battle of tabloids this morning as to whether or not Jamie Kennedy and Jennifer Love Hewitt got engaged last night in Long Beach. At a comedy club. That's right because everyone knows the way to the heart of a woman is to get her to come up on stage after she has been forced to laugh at your stale jokes for two hours for the umpteenth time and then get proposed to with no ring in front of a surly drunk crowd that has just been forced to buy 3 drinks at inflated prices and are just now receiving their bills. Mmmm. That is a Hallmark moment for sure.

The NY Post says the engagement is real. Others have jumped on their bandwagon. Why not? The wagon is big and shiny and filled with good news. Then there are those who say it was all just a ploy from the audience because they were drunk and thought chanting, "marry her," would be better than "show us your t**ts."

What all the tabloids are forgetting is that it doesn't really matter if they are engaged or not. The only thing an engagement does is allow the tabloids to run some covers of Jennifer's dream honeymoon or dress or blah, blah, blah. They love Jennifer though. You know why? Because all they have to do is change the occasional Aniston to Love Hewitt and substitute some pictures and they are good to go.

I haven't been able to figure out what makes Jennifer Love Hewitt dump them. I do have a theory I would like to share with all of you now though. I know how much you enjoyed my last theory about how Four Weddings And A Funeral is essentially the same movie as Notting Hill.

My new theory is that this Is Jennifer Love Hewitt's Jennifer Garner moment. Yep. Let us go back in time shall we. Jennifer Garner was on a hit show and was married to Scott Foley. Jennifer Love is on a hit show and was engaged to Ross McCall.

Jennifer Garner started dating her co-star Michael Vartan. Jennifer Love Hewitt started dating her co-star Jamie Kennedy. Michael Vartan got his heart crushed. Jamie Kennedy will get his heart crushed. Now, Jennifer married Ben who was dating a Jennifer. Jennifer Love is going to marry the next guy she dates who was dating a Jennifer. See how this works? It is like some Kennedy/Lincoln thing. This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night. Well, that and an enlarged prostate.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

If she lands John Mayer (who was dating Jennifer Aniston), I will applaud.

mooshki said...

J.Love and Tony Romo. A match made in heaven.

ItsJustMe said...

DN - she DID date John Mayer!!!!!

ItsJustMe said...

Check it:

http://popdirt.com/john-mayer-ends-relationship-with-jennifer-love-hewitt/6383/

Lisa (not original) said...

Outstanding theory! Here I thought she was an attention whore who uses relationships for publicity. When did I become such a cynic?

empyrios said...

remind me again why either of these 2 are still relevant???

MnGddess said...

This item is soooooooo boring.....

Sinjin said...

I don't care. But I DO wanna know about the theory regarding 4 Weddings + Notting Hill!

Charles said...

I dated a Jennifer about 25 years ago. Does that qualify me?

And do you think we could get the tabloids to agree to not tell my wife? (about the Love bug...she knows about the other Jennifer.)

Andy said...

From what I've heard Hewitt clings to guys like thistle burrs, which eventually drives them off. Ross didn't leave her. He ran.

Miranda said...

All the Jennifers in Hollywood are Grade A BORING.

amanda rae said...

Is it just me, or is Jennifer Garner one of the UGLIEST women on this planet? Every time I see her, I just shudder because she's so unpleasant looking in so many ways. And her poor child looks just like her. Hideous.

As for J-Love, she just needs to GO THE FUCK AWAY. Please.

leeloodallas said...

brilliant theory!

charles, you're a shoe-in for sure!!

Unknown said...

Nah, Vartan's heart was not crushed. He's been quoted as saying they're better off as brother and sister. He's moved on and says he remains in contact with Garner. Dunno why his fans cannot.

Unknown said...

I heard that Vartan thought Garner was his lady until he saw the pictures of her with Affleck. Low Blow. Call a man first, Jen!

whole lotto luv said...

I'm more interested in enty's enlarged prostate. woo, are you taking care of that, enty?

abigail7881 said...

I too, forgot about jlh dating john mayer. Then I remembered that he wrote "your body is a wonderland" about her. at least that's what the rumor was...

Diane said...

Jennifer Garner is NOT ugly -- she's adorable! I wish to God more young starlets in Hollywood would go for "adorable" instead of "looks like she strips on the weekend". Now Jennifer Love Hewitt is Fug with a capital F and has one of the fakiest smiles I've ever seen. I don't think the guys who go out with her see her face as much as they see her overrated boobs. God how I wish Hewitt would go away.

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