Friday, June 08, 2007

Morning Links

Notice this is CNN International. So all over the globe people are finding out what Americans think is the most important news story of the day.



Isaiah Washington's option was not renewed for Grey's Anatomy.

Paris ---

Yesterday-
The LA Times version of the story.
The NY Post version.

Today-
Paris thought she could just phone it in.
Speaking of phoning, it seems Ms. Lohan has been calling all her friends to get some sleeping pills. Maybe Lindsay will have the chance to do Richie Sambora. He's in rehab although no one knows where. Seems that MTV Unplugged thing didn't go as smoothly as maybe it should have. The next thing you know, Richie's in rehab. No word on whether Denise will pay him a little visit with her "chapstick" container.
You remember the guy who used to be married to Jennifer Garner? Well he got married again.

7 comments:

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I bet Jon Bon Jovi laid the smackdown on Richie Sambora after that VH1 thing.

Anonymous said...

what even happened anyways?

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Bon Jovi taped "Storytellers" and Richie S. was snockered out of his mind and was screwing up all over the place.

Anonymous said...

Editor's Note: Despite her family's money, her family's lawyers, and her fellatio skills, Paris Hilton is going back to the slam. Our own Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, Chief of our National Affairs Desk and a veteran of many corruption scandals, reports.

"The scum always rises."

-Richard M. Nixon

Paris Hilton lay on her steel bed, quivering and shivering. She had the shakes, bad. Her herpes had erupted in a bad, pestilent rash all over her thighs. Her withdrawal symptoms were bad and getting worse. She recognized the feeling. Bad flu symptoms and the herpes eruption. She knew that soon the bile would begin to rise. She thought she saw flying wombats coming at her from the window on the door of her cell.

Nice thoughts, nice thoughts. She tried to concentrate. A big, fat turgid penis entering her valtrex vagina. Fat cocaine rails lining the top of the steel toilet in her cell. Paul Allen floating her a thousand dollar bill for a blowjob.

It wasnt't working. Her thighs itched uncontrollably. She'd scratched the herpes eruptions until they bled, and still the damn things itched. She's ducked off everyone from the arresting officer to the guards to the trusty, and nothing had worked. Daddy had to come through this time.

"Behind every great fortune lies crime."

-Voltaire

Rick Hilton paced his family room, impatiently. He knew there had to be a way to spring Paris. He just hadn't thought of it yet. Kathy had sucked him off three times that morning, and yet no inspiration. He was stupid, but he knew how money worked. There was always someone to bribe to get what you wanted. It was, he thought, the American way.

He grew angry when he thought of Howard Weitzman. Asshole was supposed to be the best connected lawyer in LA, he thought, and all I got for his 250K fee was a limo ride to court. Bastard didn't even know how to bribe someone in the DMV so that Paris could keep her license after her DUI. It's all his thought, Rick thought. Goddamn Jew lawyer. Maybe the new Jew lawyer will come through, mused Rick.

The phone rang. Rick answered it. Answered prayers. The deal would go down tonight. He had the cash for the Sheriff. Paris knew what she had to do.

"I only get my rocks off when I'm dreaming..."

Jagger/Richards

Lee Baca, LA County Sheriff, slapped some Old Spice on his testicles. He thought he was dreaming. Yesterday, he was a middle aged lump taking bribes to take care of traffic tickets in order to fund his divorce and gambling debts. Tonight, he was going to take in a hundred grand in cash. And Paris Hilton was going to suck his cock. He wanted his testicles to smell nice for her. He slapped some more Old Spice on his balls.

He put on his trousers and started out the door. Suddenly, he stopped. Cunt has herpes, he thought. Better bring a condom. Looking into his wallet, he realized that his wallet condom had been in there so long that it had left a ring on the outside of his wallet. Got to stop at a convenience store to get a rubber, he thought.

"To live like an outlaw, you have to be honest."

-Unknown outlaw biker

Rocky Delgadillo, LA City Attorney, put the phone down, and smacked his lips. Baca was going to spring Paris Hilton, he thought, and the dumbass wasn't going to share the love. He smiled. I'm gonna fuck him up bad, he thought. He picked up the telephone and called Judge Sauer.

"I shot the sheriff..."

Bob Marley

Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer slammed the phone down. Goddamn it, he screamed. He kicked the wall. He was sick of this shit. Everytime some celebrity punk got caught driving drunk, he tried to punish him as if he was Mr. John Q. Public. And every goddamn time he did, that fucking sheriff took a bribe and let the celebrity go. And the asshole never spread the wealth, either.

This time was going to be different, Sauer thought. Delgadillo was a shitty lawyer, but he was fucking ambitious. Since he was a shitty lawyer, Sauer was going to have to write the papers that Deladillo had to file with his court as soon as possible after Paris Hilton was sprung. But Delgadillo is a sneaky shit, thought Sauer. And all he has to do is file them. Sauer smiled. This time, I'm going to fuck Baca up.

"C'mon, Sweet Virginia,
Got to scrape that shit up off your shoes"

Jagger/Richards

Home, sweet, home, thought Paris. She knelt down before Sheriff Leroy Baca, unzipped his polyester pants,and pulled out his turgid, but small, penis. Ugh, Paris thought as she licked the head of Sheriff Leroy Baca's cock. Old Spice. I can't believe this lameo put Old Spice on his cock. I haven't seen that since I was fucking guys in a West Hollywood apartment for one Benjamin Franklin. She giggled.

Paris engulfed the Sheriff's turgid, yet small, cock and he gagged. Damn, he thought. So this is a celebrity blowjob. Feels damn good. Then he blew penis snot all over Paris's tonsils.

Thank God, thought Paris. She gulped the Sheriff's sperm down, and quickly tucked his nasty little penis back in his pants.

"Breaking rocks in the hot sun
I fought the law and the law won"

Eddie Cochran

"Whatdoyamean, she has to go back to court?" Rick Hilton thundered into the telephone receiver. "What about my hundred grand? What about Paris sucking his cock?"

Rick slammed the telephone receiver down and looked down at his wife, Kathy, who was naked and kneeling before him, Rick's cum splattered all over her face. "Goddamn it," he told Kathy. "Fucking Jew lawyer. We paid off the wrong guy!"

"I bet there´s rich folks eating in a fancy dining car
they´re probably drinkin´ coffee and smoking big cigars.
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can´t be free
but those people keep a movin´
and that´s what tortures me..."

Johnny Cash

Judge Sauer was pissed. "Where is that sleazy cunt?" he roared from the bench.

Sheriff Baca timidly said "I told Paris she could phone in. She, you know, has all that press, you know, in front of her mansion. I could barely get out of there last night without being seen - oops."

Judge Sauer turned bright read. "Get that cunt in here NOW or I will send you to jail for so long that your asshole will be as big as a European train tunnel when the homeboys get through with it," he screamed as Sheriff Baca pissed himself.

"Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Poor boy gonna die."

-Traditional folk song

Judge Sauer stared at Paris Hilton as she stood before him in his court. Stupid cunt, he thought. I'm going to mow you down like a rabbit on a freeway during rush hour.

"Order, order," he said, banging his gavel. "I suppose you think I should let you remain free and under under house arrest?" He smiled as Paris erupted in a small cry and started sobbingly. "Trust me, bubelah, that will happen on a cold day in hell," he whispered. Paris started wailing out loud. What a stupid cunt, he thought. Who in earth would want to fuck this bitch? She's got man hands, a wonky eye, and a Valtrex vagina.

He looked directly at Sheriff Baca. "Hope you caught herpes from this slut last night," he leered. "if not, you're going to catch it where you're going. I find you contemptible and in contempt of court, and I order the Los Angeles District Attorney to investigate you for bribery. Something's rotten in Los Angeles, and we're going to pour sunlight on the scum and let it die." A large pool of urine formed at Sheriff Baca's feet.

Anonymous said...

Good for Scott Foley. He's hot and I have loved him since Felicity. I'm glad he was able to move on after she dumped him like that to "trade" up.

Tracee

Robin said...

Only sleeping pills? Really?

Scott Foley's wife is beautiful!!!

Anonymous said...

I am so happy about Paris going back to jail! So happy!

F.