Friday, June 08, 2007

Paris Update--Only Update Because This Is Ridiculous

So the City of Los Angeles (police/city attorney) and the County of Los Angeles (sheriff/jail) are in a pissing contest right now and Paris is in the middle. I'm not saying she's being Kardashian'd, I'm just saying she is in the middle of this turf war. The sheriff is saying we control the jails and you, the city can't do anything about it. We are the only ones who can provide permission for Paris to go to court and we aren't going to do it.

I guess they decided to all get along because Paris is now handcuffed and in the back of a sheriff's car.


Anonymous said...

Um - how about giving us a comment about all this since you are a lawyer and everything?

Anonymous said...

Fuck Paris Hilton. I hope they throw the scum in jail to rot. The City Attorney is right, and the Sheriff is corrupt.

Anonymous said...

Editor's Note: Despite her family's money, her family's lawyers, and her fellatio skills, Paris Hilton is going back to the slam. Our own Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, Chief of our National Affairs Desk and a veteran of many corruption scandals, reports.

"The scum always rises."

-Richard M. Nixon

Paris Hilton lay on her steel bed, quivering and shivering. She had the shakes, bad. Her herpes had erupted in a bad, pestilent rash all over her thighs. Her withdrawal symptoms were bad and getting worse. She recognized the feeling. Bad flu symptoms and the herpes eruption. She knew that soon the bile would begin to rise. She thought she saw flying wombats coming at her from the window on the door of her cell.

Nice thoughts, nice thoughts. She tried to concentrate. A big, fat turgid penis entering her valtrex vagina. Fat cocaine rails lining the top of the steel toilet in her cell. Paul Allen floating her a thousand dollar bill for a blowjob.

It wasnt't working. Her thighs itched uncontrollably. She'd scratched the herpes eruptions until they bled, and still the damn things itched. She's ducked off everyone from the arresting officer to the guards to the trusty, and nothing had worked. Daddy had to come through this time.

"Behind every great fortune lies crime."


Rick Hilton paced his family room, impatiently. He knew there had to be a way to spring Paris. He just hadn't thought of it yet. Kathy had sucked him off three times that morning, and yet no inspiration. He was stupid, but he knew how money worked. There was always someone to bribe to get what you wanted. It was, he thought, the American way.

He grew angry when he thought of Howard Weitzman. Asshole was supposed to be the best connected lawyer in LA, he thought, and all I got for his 250K fee was a limo ride to court. Bastard didn't even know how to bribe someone in the DMV so that Paris could keep her license after her DUI. It's all his thought, Rick thought. Goddamn Jew lawyer. Maybe the new Jew lawyer will come through, mused Rick.

The phone rang. Rick answered it. Answered prayers. The deal would go down tonight. He had the cash for the Sheriff. Paris knew what she had to do.

"I only get my rocks off when I'm dreaming..."


Lee Baca, LA County Sheriff, slapped some Old Spice on his testicles. He thought he was dreaming. Yesterday, he was a middle aged lump taking bribes to take care of traffic tickets in order to fund his divorce and gambling debts. Tonight, he was going to take in a hundred grand in cash. And Paris Hilton was going to suck his cock. He wanted his testicles to smell nice for her. He slapped some more Old Spice on his balls.

He put on his trousers and started out the door. Suddenly, he stopped. Cunt has herpes, he thought. Better bring a condom. Looking into his wallet, he realized that his wallet condom had been in there so long that it had left a ring on the outside of his wallet. Got to stop at a convenience store to get a rubber, he thought.

"To live like an outlaw, you have to be honest."

-Unknown outlaw biker

Rocky Delgadillo, LA City Attorney, put the phone down, and smacked his lips. Baca was going to spring Paris Hilton, he thought, and the dumbass wasn't going to share the love. He smiled. I'm gonna fuck him up bad, he thought. He picked up the telephone and called Judge Sauer.

"I shot the sheriff..."

Bob Marley

Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer slammed the phone down. Goddamn it, he screamed. He kicked the wall. He was sick of this shit. Everytime some celebrity punk got caught driving drunk, he tried to punish him as if he was Mr. John Q. Public. And every goddamn time he did, that fucking sheriff took a bribe and let the celebrity go. And the asshole never spread the wealth, either.

This time was going to be different, Sauer thought. Delgadillo was a shitty lawyer, but he was fucking ambitious. Since he was a shitty lawyer, Sauer was going to have to write the papers that Deladillo had to file with his court as soon as possible after Paris Hilton was sprung. But Delgadillo is a sneaky shit, thought Sauer. And all he has to do is file them. Sauer smiled. This time, I'm going to fuck Baca up.

"C'mon, Sweet Virginia,
Got to scrape that shit up off your shoes"


Home, sweet, home, thought Paris. She knelt down before Sheriff Leroy Baca, unzipped his polyester pants,and pulled out his turgid, but small, penis. Ugh, Paris thought as she licked the head of Sheriff Leroy Baca's cock. Old Spice. I can't believe this lameo put Old Spice on his cock. I haven't seen that since I was fucking guys in a West Hollywood apartment for one Benjamin Franklin. She giggled.

Paris engulfed the Sheriff's turgid, yet small, cock and he gagged. Damn, he thought. So this is a celebrity blowjob. Feels damn good. Then he blew penis snot all over Paris's tonsils.

Thank God, thought Paris. She gulped the Sheriff's sperm down, and quickly tucked his nasty little penis back in his pants.

"Breaking rocks in the hot sun
I fought the law and the law won"

Eddie Cochran

"Whatdoyamean, she has to go back to court?" Rick Hilton thundered into the telephone receiver. "What about my hundred grand? What about Paris sucking his cock?"

Rick slammed the telephone receiver down and looked down at his wife, Kathy, who was naked and kneeling before him, Rick's cum splattered all over her face. "Goddamn it," he told Kathy. "Fucking Jew lawyer. We paid off the wrong guy!"

"I bet there´s rich folks eating in a fancy dining car
they´re probably drinkin´ coffee and smoking big cigars.
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can´t be free
but those people keep a movin´
and that´s what tortures me..."

Johnny Cash

Judge Sauer was pissed. "Where is that sleazy cunt?" he roared from the bench.

Sheriff Baca timidly said "I told Paris she could phone in. She, you know, has all that press, you know, in front of her mansion. I could barely get out of there last night without being seen - oops."

Judge Sauer turned bright read. "Get that cunt in here NOW or I will send you to jail for so long that your asshole will be as big as a European train tunnel when the homeboys get through with it," he screamed as Sheriff Baca pissed himself.

"Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Poor boy gonna die."

-Traditional folk song

Judge Sauer stared at Paris Hilton as she stood before him in his court. Stupid cunt, he thought. I'm going to mow you down like a rabbit on a freeway during rush hour.

"Order, order," he said, banging his gavel. "I suppose you think I should let you remain free and under under house arrest?" He smiled as Paris erupted in a small cry and started sobbingly. "Trust me, bubelah, that will happen on a cold day in hell," he whispered. Paris started wailing out loud. What a stupid cunt, he thought. Who in earth would want to fuck this bitch? She's got man hands, a wonky eye, and a Valtrex vagina.

He looked directly at Sheriff Baca. "Hope you caught herpes from this slut last night," he leered. "if not, you're going to catch it where you're going. I find you contemptible and in contempt of court, and I order the Los Angeles District Attorney to investigate you for bribery. Something's rotten in Los Angeles, and we're going to pour sunlight on the scum and let it die." A large pool of urine formed at Sheriff Baca's feet.

Anonymous said...

I think Ent made a huge point about this being broadcast on CNN International...Is anyone else as embarassed as I am at the attention the Paris debacle is getting? Don't get me wrong, I think the whole circus of it all is entertaining enough, but hitting CNN International is just an embarassment.

Anonymous said...

That's all I want Ent, is to see photos of her in handcuffs. That's the money shot there. Please put the photo up when you get that.


Anonymous said...

I agree with you. I'm embarassed. As much as I love juicy gossip I don't like with my hard edge news. It's crap like this that makes me wonder where exactly the media's ethics are. It's one thing to see this on E!, it's another to see it the main story on CNN. But then again, no one can touch politics or the war without hitting major "walls" so the next best thing is entertainment. It's pathetic.


Anonymous said...

You all know Paris is detoxing from all her drugs and freaking out in there so they sprang her.

Anonymous said...

I know that it's ever so in vogue to find Paris' suffering delicious, but as much as I don't enjoy her, I feel horrible for her. This thing has gotten way out of hand... And for me it, once again, says "Hey look everyone our legal system is a joke. Pray that you never get caught up in it..."

Anonymous said...

I think what makes it compelling is how different this is from the pervasive view that $ and celebrity talks. From OJ to Mel Gibson (also a Sheriff's Dept. debacle), people here are sick of it. Applause for Rocky. I give Baca lesss than a year.

Anonymous said...

Even Greta van Susteren (sp?) commented that Paris appeared to be going through withdrawals as she was in the courtroom. This is genious! She'll be in the mental ward for a while! I'm ecstatic!
Have a great weekend everyone!


Anonymous said...

I have been watching this on Fox News and I was wondering if anyone heard Geraldo mention something about, "even a prominent LA Atty that blogs secretly has shown little interest in this case," or something along those lines. My first thought was that he was talking about Enty!!

Anonymous said...

The image of Paris sobbing uncontrollably in the back of the police car is pure, unadulterated, for-the-ages gold. I am not a cruel person, but it gives me a happy to see her think she'd got the get-out-of-jail-free card, get her cupcakes delivered, and then be cuffed and dragged back for her 40 days. The rich parents that arranged this shortcut just made it much, much worse for their little baby.

We see now that the whole "I'll serve my time and learn my lesson" thing was complete BS.

Purest gold.

noel said...

yeeeh haaa!!!!!!!


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