Thursday, January 03, 2008

An Open Letter To Lindsay Lohan


Dear Lindsay,

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are running out of money. All those big roles kind of blew by the wayside after all of your troubles huh? It's hard to believe you went through all of the money you were paid the last two years. Most of your movies might have bombed, and of course your last two films were voted as the two most awful of 2007, but you did get paid well for those films. If it is any consolation about the awful film award, it is my understanding that no one actually volunteered to go see Blonde Ambition, or you might have just had the #2 and #3 worst films of the year. I bet you never though things would turn out this way when you were doing Freaky Friday, Mean Girls, and that Herbie movie. Well actually when you did that Herbie movie you should have had a pretty good idea that this is where you were headed. Next time you should know, that those Disney folks will make you do a million films before you can get out of one of their contracts, and that some version of Herbie is offered to everyone. The difference is everyone else always gets out of it.

I know it's tough to have to financially support both your parents and your siblings. It's not like your parents want to buy their clothes from Target, although your dad looks like he busy his clothes there. If he is going to look so cheap when he dresses, maybe you should send him over to a Target. I saw Kate Beckinsale at the Target over at La Brea and Santa Monica so you could send him over there and have him try and mooch off her for awhile. She has a kid. Maybe he could babysit with those world class parenting skills of his.

I don't have enough space to really get into your mother. That was probably a bad choice of words. I don't want to imply that other people have got into your mother or even want to. Not that they wouldn't want to, so don't take that wrong. I noticed that she called Riley's mom yesterday to complain about the Daily Mail article. Of course Riley got $120,000 for that article so she could have been calling Riley's mom looking for a cut, or a loan, or a little something for you since it was your photos that Riley was selling. If your mom got a cut, do you think she would share it with you? I think that is a question you need to ask yourself.

I think what you need to do is lower your expectations for your next film. I think you need to do something a little lower on the pay scale. It's not like you can't still get $500,000 for a film, because you can. What you need to do though is stop thinking you are going to get $3 or $4 million because it just isn't going to happen. I heard porn stars make a decent living. You may want to give that a shot. Making out and groping three guys in one day and sleeping with one isn't too far from just having sex with all three and making a quick $20,000. What the hell. If you are going to do it anyway, might as well get paid. Hell, if you brought Dina along as a fluffer, they might boost that up to $20,500.

You know your dad would love hanging out on the set, and your sister Ali could come watch since she is already dressing exactly like you and seems to want to follow in your every footstep. Look, you are what 35, 36 now. Oh, wait. 21, but look 35. Sorry. My bad. You have made your decisions in life and I actually think you will turn out all right. This letter might not seem like I do, but I do. But, don't let Ali make the same choices as you. She doesn't have a few million to burn through to learn about life's little lessons and so I think it would turn out much worse for her.

Anyway, if you need a couple of bucks, you know how to reach me, and I'll even throw in some In-N-Out.

Stay Classy,(whoops)

EL

29 comments:

Merlin D. Bear said...

I love you Ent!
(and you owe me another keyboard)

Trix said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trix said...

Oh give it up EL :( I think we may as well start calling Ali "Jamie Lynn" instead for awhile since we all know its gonna happen. I'm guessing Lindsay is as good a big sister as Britney is....

Still though, pretty funny.

Harriet Hellfire said...

Ha!

Mooshki said...

Ha!

That was my first thought when I read she was hitting friends up for money; why not just make all those guys pay for it?

Rare Avis said...

I don't really think she is hitting her friends up for money. Really?
As a 30ish year old woman, I resent that. I look much better than that!!

kellysirkus said...

well, apparently she's off the wagon now. video of her swigging champers outta the bottle like the class-act she is. So if she's not completely broke already, the next $50,000 trip to rehab should take care of that.

Twisted Sister said...

Someone should put together a reality show with Lohan, Kimberly Stewart, Paris Hilton, the Spears girls, Kim Kardashian and all the other celebutard skanky-ho's. They should isolate them all on an island, like they once did with the lepers. "Who will be next on the list of those catching sexually transmitted diseases? Find out on Tramp-Sure Island tonight at 9:00 central".

GammaGirl said...

HAHHAHAHA!

@Kellysirkus: I was just about to mention the pics making their way around the interweb! There's no way she can spin this because she is SLAMMING that champagne bottle.

I don't understand how three stints in rehab STILL haven't taught her that the only way to be "sober" is to abstain completely from mind altering substances.

Brit Brit said...

Well i wonder if lindsay lohan is selling her self for money i mean if it gets that bad im sure she would right?

captivagrl said...

lindsay - go away. go to school. do something positive. stay away from your family and the media and new york and la. stop having sex. don't drink. don't drive. keep your privates private. study your craft.get healthy. don't sing............then maybe at this time next year you'll have a chance. you can have a good life and career. people have used and abused you since you were a young child. get some real help and stop abusing yourself. so lindsay, go away. see you next year.

Tracee said...

Ent, porn isn't the next step for her. No,no. She should get all granola and start wearing hemp clothes, stop shaving her pits (the kitty cat too), use crystal deodorant and beg someone to put her in a indie film.

That way she can claim she's getting back to her "acting roots." Then if the movie tanks she could say it was part of her "art" and that mainstream critics never understand. Then MAYBE she could avoid a razzie this year.

kellysirkus said...

Ent, any lawyer in LA willing to sign up for the next round of Britneymania?
SPF and JJ will have no inheritance soon.
But Marc V Kaplan's kids are set for life.

captivagrl said...

p.s.- lindsay, because you're always a follower never a leader, DO NOT GET PREGNANT. trust me, not a good idea.

Janele said...

You know what kills me? That these skanky ass bitches in Hollywood can spread their herpes and drug-addled crappiness all over the place, yet people like Mike Huckabee say we should be quarrantining gays and AIDS patients on an island somewhere so they don't infect others. It really makes me sick that a guy like THAT can run for president, and yet it's okay for this nasty crack whore to be stinking up the universe!

jax said...

She's all kinds of fucked up..one day at a time LL.
That's all you can do.

DNfromMN said...

She needs help, she needs daily therapy to deal with all of her issues. Unfortunately, the paparazzi only feed her behaviors (see Britney). Being 21 and supporting 5 people is rough, and I understand that is a lot of responsibility to be heaped upon a kid who probably has been supporting that since she was 13.

Ent, your letter was funny, but it just shows how sad it is for her. With a good script, and staying sober, she could do great (everyone agrees she was awesome in Mean Girls).

Kory said...

Can someone please tell me this because I'm too lazy to look it up: Does she have herpes and can it spread by making out with someone, even when it's not flaring up? Because if it is, then she's the new patient zero spreading it across continents now and that deserves a death sentence for irresponsibility.

kellysirkus said...

SHE NEEDS TO GET THE HELL OUTTA BARS AND CLUBS

Kara said...

She's sad.

In a handful of years, I'll watch Lilo - all sorts of washed up - on an episode of E! True Hollywood Stories.

Her story just can't end well.

jax said...

In a handful of years, I'll watch Lilo - all sorts of washed up - on an episode of E! True Hollywood Stories.

...or in March.

Beth said...

Hahahaha Jax!! So true.

She already started off 2008 in grand style. Messing around with 3 strangers in 3 days and screwing at least one of them. And ringing in the New Year with a big 'ol slam of champagne. Sober my ass. No way did she realize her lapse and call her sponsor. She went upstairs and screwed a guy instead (and probably raided the mini-bar all night). She doesn't WANT to quit her bad habits. I stopped feeling any sympathy for her after her second DUI. You can only blame family problems for so much.
She just doesn't learn.

Boozing and fucking strangers. And it's only 3 days into '08. I'm willing to bet this year she will either a) get another DUI and kill/injure someone, b) contract HIV, c) end up in jail for something or d) leak a homemade sex tape for money.

Either way, she's a mess and it's just getting worse.

kellysirkus said...

I'm raising funds to pay off Italy to keep her.

anyone have connections at Imigracion?

kellysirkus said...

p.s. if it works, we'll see if Poland will take the Spears clan

Beth said...

kelly I like Italy too much to wish her on them permanently. :)

But I am glad she's over there and not riding around LA causing chaos. We already have the mangled accident waiting to happen that is Britney Spears still driving around here.

Lindsay should just give it up and join the Peace Corps and build mud huts in some far away land for a couple of years. It would keep her clean, sober, out of the headlines and make people think she's not the piece of trash she really is.

Mia said...

Janele. I am in no way a fan of either of the 2, but your post ends in a total non sequitor.

"It really makes me sick that a guy like THAT can run for president, and yet it's okay for this nasty crack whore to be stinking up the universe!"

wtf?

Kim_Bot08 said...

Holy schiznit! That letter was so bomb!

:]

bluegirl said...

I love Ent's open letters! Hee Hee

christy said...

Will someone please explain to me how these celebs can make so millions of dollars only to end up broke? I just don't get it. Are they really that stupid? Don't they have a mattress or a cookie jar somewhere that they put let's say, a couple of hundred thousand away for a rainy day or hard times? Unbelievable. How stupid can you be?