Monday, November 19, 2007

American Music Awards Report

A little something different this time for a report. Our spy told me all week she wasn't going to go to the AMA show and so when I started getting texts during my Sunday afternoon nap, I wasn't quite prepared. The only thing I have done is to convert her texting into the English language, and to take out her constant references to what she estimates the c**k size of various male celebrities, and I also added the full name of celebrities. For example, our spy now refers to Carrie Underwood as CU**, with a little n and little t where I put the asterisks. I went ahead and just wrote out her real name, although CU** was the subject of 18 separate text messages. There are also times where she will say something to the effect of "that dude from Heroes." Sometimes I can deduce, and other times, not at all.

I also noticed that I have always posted photos separately from the commentary. What I did manage to do was to find photos for most, but not all of her musings. If this is your first time visiting, or you forget what our spy with no initials does for a living, this is the second time we have done this with her knowing about the blog, and she is a very solid B lister and everyone would know who she is as long as you have a television. She does movies but is more known for television. I probably should give her initials, but this makes it kind of different.

Enty, I know you love Amanda Bynes, so it will pain you to know that she has some pretty good cottage cheese going on around the backside.
What a f**kin bitch. I went up to Carrie Underwood and just said congratulations on your success and your awards. She then turned to me and said, "And, who are you again?" I told her what I did and what show I am on, and she said, "Is that one of those reality shows?" At this point our spy told her it was a scripted show. Our spy then went on to say other identifying information about some people she knows they have in common, just trying to make conversation. Now back to our commentary. This chick is so far gone into her little world inside her head. What the hell is she famous for? Being pretty enough to get picked at an audition and then singing Karaoke better than 15 other people? All she does now is more Karaoke. The only reason she wins awards is because she was on that show. She acts like she is the best performer to walk the earth. Quite possibly the biggest bitch to walk the earth. On a par with any diva you have ever met, but at least most divas have something to be diva about.
I kept calling out Alexis, Alexis (Arquette) and she wasn't turning around. Then when Christina Applegate turned around, I was like whoops. I don't think she heard me, or at least I hope she didn't. Honestly, she really didn't look that good. Lots of bones, not much meat.
Beyonce gave me a hug and some part of her body scratched me so now I have a thin line of blood down the back of my arm.
You know the chick from HSM? Not the naked one but the other one? Hooker in five years. She looks like one now, but she'll be charging someone for it in about 5 years. Those guys who are just jerking off to her now will have money then and she will make a really nice living.
I just talked to Avril Lavigne for a couple of minutes. Don't tell anyone that I have her CD in my car. Whoops.
I gave your phone number to Kellie Pickler. She says that you owe her, and not the other way around. Wait until you see her pictures later tonight. It will take your damn breath away. I really thought she was going to look made up and Aguilera-iy but she looked flawless. And unlike CU** she was really sweet, asked me to take a picture with her, and told me to kick you in the balls when I see you for thinking she owed you. You have to love that. You also have competition because every guy here, have all come up with some reason to talk to her.
I told (the woman she went with) to take Jennie Garth somewhere. Anywhere. Just let me have about five minutes with her husband Peter Facinelli and then she can have him back. I need to do that Dancing show. With my luck I would get some gay guy who wouldn't make a move on me. Have you noticed that here and in the UK all those couples who got together from that show. You might as well call it , "Go on the show and get a divorce while dancing"
I saw James Blunt last night and he was wearing the same damn outfit. I know because he has a hole in the jeans on the back of his left thigh. I wonder if he ever changes clothes. I have seen him like five or six times in the past year and I swear he always wear the same damn ratty clothes with the food sticking out of the beard. He also always uses the same pickup line with every single woman. "Hi. I just want you to know I am a really big fan of your work." He doesn't know what they do, he just wants them to ask about him so he can brag on himself."
Last time I saw Fergie I thought she needed some Botox. Guess she thought so too.
I'd still do two guys in Duran Duran. (She didn't know who was who, so I can only guess). The other two can watch. Maybe they could even do some background vocals while the other two are doing me.
Rick James came back to life and he is squeezing Omarosa's ass.
Mary J Blige hugged me and then asked where the hell you were. She kept looking over my shoulder and also spinning around like you were going to sneak up on her. Her breath smelled like cinnamon Altoids.
I think Matt Dallas is really cute. Mainly because I know he would let me do what I want, but he is cute in that aww shucks kind of way.
Miley Cyrus is too young for plastic surgery right? Isn't there some kind of age you have to be before you get work done?
Everytime Kid Rock tries to talk to someone they say hi and them move away as quickly as possible. He's like the male Britney Spears, but people just don't realize it yet.
I asked the naked HSM (Vanessa Hudgens) girl if she was really having sex with the guy from the movie (Zac Efron). She said yes, but I thought she was lying to me. Then I realized that I think she has a nipple pierced and I said awww. She's a little freak. Maybe she is doing that guy.
I used to want Taye Diggs everyday. Now, I just want to bank with him. He used to be so much fun, and now he just is so moody and depressing.
I took my picture with Sean Kingston. Incredibly funny and cool, but I think maybe a little on the gay side if you know what I mean.
The Emcee of the karaoke show was acting like a diva too.
I think Rihanna and Jennifer Hudson got their outfits confused. Anyone within 10 feet of Rihanna could see everything she has out in the open. She may want to think about a lift in the future.

38 comments:

GammaGirl said...

Carrie Underwood seems like an ungrateful brat! Did she forget that 3 years ago NO ONE knew her name?

Ashely Tisdale could fuck a duck and I still wouldn't care. That hooker prediction was conservative.

LOVE LOVE LOVE the snarky commentary!

Twisted Sister said...

Holy Crap! Rick James looks like Chris Rock doing an imitation of Rick James.

Irishstayc said...

WOW! WOW! Loved this .. the snark the pictures ... It was awesome. Thanks enty and thanks to "SPY".

I had heard that CU** was becoming a major beeotch! Hoped it wasn't true but... seriously - her, jenn hudson, clay aiken - where do they get off thinking they can be diva's? It's not saving lives people it's simply singing... LOL

Hez said...

Rick James died in 2004, so that would have to be quite an impression.

Chris said...

OMG LOVE the snark!!, and love the goss - wow, I had heard rumors about Carrie Underwood acting the DIVA - I'm surprised considering her smalltown roots - mebbe that's why her QB BF dumped her - and you're right - Kelli Pickler looks great, and I'm changing my opinion about her - keep the posts coming, love em!

Jolara said...

I love the comments. LOL, they sound like my husband and I at any event we go to. Gosh, we are awful and certainly have no room to talk but it keeps us entertained. Great reporting from your "007" ENT.

jax said...

hilarious..im guessing its someone from The Game like Brittany Daniel or Tia Mowry from the CUnt reference. Famous enough to get a hug from Beyonce and Mary J but Carrie was clueless..sounds like a CW show to me.

A. Warped, knitter said...

ENT, in the future please leave in the c**k size estimates. Thanks

Rare Avis said...

Wow that was a fun ride. She seems like a scream. Good times...

budford said...

cheno?

kellysirkus said...

Wow! That is like the 20th story I've read about CU**
No wonder Faith Hill wanted to kick her a$$.

Good to hear Kelli Pickler didn't get too big for her britches.

Rhianna's dress is FUG

I thought Matt Dallas was gay.

So, Ent., if all these celebs know who you are, and know that you are friends with the spy, isn't this getting a little detrimental to your real job?

Twisted Sister said...

Kelly, you mean this ISN'T EL's real job????????????? Because I know no lawyer who goes online during the day to play....and I know a lot of lawyers.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Snark factor scores a perfect "10" today. I love my gossip with a bit of sass.

Nic said...

The spy is hysterical! LOVE it!
Jolara, sounds like me and my friends at every show i work, too!
Nothin to do at merch but people watch :-)
Can't wait for the next big event so we get some more lol

some said...

i'm glad to the spy is dealing so well with being over thirty in hollywood. meow, hiss, meow.

Trix said...

Hmmm our spy is on a show that CUnt mistook for a reality show...possibly The Office? Famous enough to get hugged by Beyonce and Mary J...maybe our spy really is Rashida Jones? Daughter of Quincy, and I'm sure someone like B or Mary J would know that :) Hmmm...

jax said...

trix that's why i said The Game on CW..sounds like a reality show to me too.

Twisted Sister said...

I really want to believe it's Rashida Jones, because I love her, and if she's this funny, I'll love her even more.

Twisted Sister said...

I think I discounted Rashida Jones, though, because didn't EL's description say she grew up someplace that wan't CA??

Cho said...

i love this chick, please please have her do more of these events!

Reese said...

Big thank you Mystery Correspondent; I could care less about these awards shows but your commentary is priceless!

califblondy said...

What's up with Carrie Underwood? I just hate reading that she's such a bitch when I thought she was so sweet. Note to Carrie, take a page from the Whitney Houston or Diana Ross book and stop treating people like crap. Karma is real.

I love Sugarland and Beyonce, but whose lame brain idea was that duet? That was embarassing.

I used to work for a lawyer who brought paperback novels and a little TV to the office, so I'm completely believing that Ent has time to go online. Most lawyers don't start writing a brief until the day before it's due anyways.

simone said...

I really like Miss Mystery writer, keep her Ent! :-)

And I heard quite a while ago what a bitch that CU** is. It's sad... I didn't know country bumpkins could be so rude!

Brenda22 said...

Loved the commentary. Thanks!

You can tell CU** is a bitch. Just look at the smug way she smiles at the camera.

And Christina Applegate looks pretty healthy to me, not boney looking at all.

Jürgen Nation said...

I read a gossip blind a while back and I believe the general consensus was that CU** was dipping into the blow. More like diving, rather.

jax said...

she needs to eat,skinny bitches are always c*nts.

When will celebs learn that it looks gross when your thighs taper IN from your knee up. that's not healthy.

Victoria said...

carrie has always been and still remains incredibly shy and socially awkward despite being in the biz for awhile. it may come off rude or abrasive at times because she doesn't feel comfortable partaking in small talk and now she is forced to plus shes also kind of scared to smile.

jax said...

sorry Victoria..that may be the case for Nicole Kidman but Carrie has been surrounded by the "she is a complete bitch" for awhile now...not jus this post.

I saw her on Ellen not long ago and she was even giving Ellen attitude.

curious_cailyn said...

#1: _L_'s comments were HONEST, funny, and only a SMIDGE bitchy. In other words: PERFECT! ...Come back soon, dear!! :)

#2: "SOME" needs to take his/her own advice and shut the * up. In one sentence, you managed to be "cattier" than than _L_ was in her entire (most-likely-intoxicated) post! ..And your "insult" was misplaced, too. (I.e., She looks GREAT, her career is just fine, and she has an adorable/eclectic list of "exes" that could make ANYONE envious.) Hmmmm......

3# Miss Twist: I think u might be mixing up "WD" with our spy-who-shall-remain-initial-free...

Twisted Sister said...

Ohhh...you're right, Cailyn. I can't keep all these mystery people straight. Thanks for your help!

C said...

Loved the snarky comments, but I've just gotta know; do we know who EL's spy is? Has it ever been revealed or are there any clues?

C said...

Loved the snarky comments, but I've just gotta know; do we know who EL's spy is? Has it ever been revealed or are there any clues?

diage860 said...

She isn't acting in her show she is that stupid.

If not just plain retarded

Allie said...

Julia Louis Dreyfuss? I don't know anyone else you are guaranteed to know about if you own a tv--that is saying a lot.

Miss X said...

I normally would scan this post, but I love SPY's comments.

As for her identity, what about Lauren Graham? I know her show is done, but Ent doesn't say she is currently on tv, just "more known for television" than movies.

Calla said...

I'm guessing she wants to do the two taller guys in Duran Duran. ;)

lisap515 said...

if she's smart she'll be doing John and Simon, in that order. Seeing these guys NOW makes me feel so darn old. I loved them, even though Nick STILL strikes me as GAY. Did he ever come out and I missed it? I know he was married to some model 2 feet taller than him at one point. still reeling over the horrific Sugarland/Beyonce pairing. OMG.

JimmyJoeJackson said...

How old do you have to be, to be this bitter? Bury your ängst and get a job...