Tuesday, May 08, 2007

ZX--Cookie Monster, Eckhart Tolle, And The Swedish Gymnastics Team

Filming was fun. I went to the set at 12:30 and arranged to have my friend meet me there for lunch. He's gay and when he saw my wardrobe he said, "No, Honey," and I trust him implicitly. So we went to the wardrobe trailer and played dress up in crack whore outfits for a few hours, adding more and more cleavage with each change. Gay men know all the secrets of 'chicken cutlets,' and double sided tape and things I don't even want to think about, but I looked ready to feed an infant orphan nation all by myself.


In the scene we filmed, I was watching a girl get raped and trying to intervene. Apparently I was doing too good a job because the other actor couldn't fend me off and finally asked if he could slap me in the face. Of course I said yes, and he was not kidding. I couldn't see out of my eye for about an hour so I waited for my vision to come back, stuffed my pie hole with Craft Service, and talked to an actress with a heavy Russian accent. She said, "I have been driving for just a short time and already this year, I have accident with three cars. And all three very brand new, expensive. And all named 'Mike." I thought my ears had deceived me, but no. She continued, "They should have a sign to warn me that their name is Mike."


It would be the only decent thing to do, really. She said, "I just start to cry and they forgive me." Her eyelashes were so long and she looked so innocent, I don't see how anyone could resist. I caught myself staring at her tiny body trying to figure out how a person's elbows could be bigger than their shoulders, but she didn't join me for quesadillas and sandwiches, so that was probably it.


Fried at the beach with my new friend and were in paroxysms of laughter as we watched a handstand-off between two men in banana hammocks. She thought one of the guys was imitating the other one and making fun of him but I think it was the Swedish gymnastics team taking in a little sun.


A pod of dolphins were nice enough to perform for us as we read Eckhart Tolle and used-car shopped in The Recycler. "I want an '07 Beemer with power windows, power doors, and Power of Now!" Eckhart told me that my stalking tendencies were from clingy neediness and I say phooey. Someone should decide if their intentions are pure BEFORE they kiss you. That goes for Dad's Bags as well, who has suddenly disappeared without a trace.


Had a lunch meeting with a producer a couple of days ago for the flight attendant comedy and as I was leaving, this lady who looked like a beige Cookie Monster, told me she had just spoken to the angels Gabriel and Michael and they wanted her to give me my messages. Piqued, I walked with her "wherever God guided us," which was uncannily to the ATM and had my crystals read. I had to make wishes out loud, and it was kind of like making a life plan with my accountant, only about spiritual matters. Funnily enough, both my finances and my soul are in shambles. Apparently someone cursed me at birth, and she eradicated it, so I've got that going for me. The thing about people who are a few shy is that they so totally believe every word they utter, you start to get swept up in it.


I have another friend who's schizophrenic. He told me he's the Chosen One and has been stalked by different incarnations of Mary Magdalene through seven lifetimes and to save the human race, he had to marry a girl and live in Hawaii so he could survive the Los Angeles Tsunami which was scheduled for last September. I only wonder who his bride is because I egged him on for three hours, but a lifetime is just a whole other kind of commitment.

34 comments:

ukgrrl said...

Lmao ZX! Yr getting so good at this stuff....keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Ooh, fun stuff. Thanks for the fun read today ZX...always entertaining.

-spressogrl

mookie said...

aww, zx! that was a fun read. thank you! deffo keep it up!

Anonymous said...

the picture of the guys and your remarks cracked me up! thanks :D

Anonymous said...

LOVE IT .... ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ANY CUTE FAGS TO HAG FOR ? IF SO CALL ME !

Anonymous said...

ZX, can I hang out with you sometime? So amusing...

Pinky said...

Oh look a little butt cleavage. Thanks, ZX.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

"Gay men know all the secrets of 'chicken cutlets,' and double sided tape and things I don't even want to think about, but I looked ready to feed an infant orphan nation all by myself."

That would totally out-do Angelina!

Anonymous said...

ZX,
(SIGH) I want to be at the beach looking at oiled speedo guys doing handstands...instead I have to watch oiled hairy guys in dockers drooling over sammiches in my dreary office.

Be careful of the schizos! They talk like they have a purpose, like they are someone great, but they will cut yo ass in a minute. Be relieved he moved to Hawaii.

Okay back to the dooling.

TB

Jo said...

XZ, funniest post yet. Thanks!!

Anonymous said...

You're right. A lifetime IS a whole other kind of commitment... lol

but wait - how much did you give the 'psychic'?? I mean, if you're heading to the ATM for just any schmuck, I will kindly take a 40-spot.

Melissa

Anonymous said...

LOVE IT! Keep them coming.

bionic bunny! said...

can you align you chkras with double sided tape?

just wondering.

Anonymous said...

You know as I read that I sooooo wanted that Russian actress to mean all the guys she's hit with her car were named Mike..but I think I'm trying too hard.

Great stuff Zx

Anonymous said...

"egging on" schizophrenics and pretending to be mentally handicapped.

Geez, you sound so NICE.

Can't wait to find out who you are so I can BOYCOTT YOUR MOVIES.

Perhaps this is the reason you were "cursed at birth".

Good on the Universe for that, you horrid little troll.

Anonymous said...

anon 2:09- that's how I read it.

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:28 though you don't deserve a response I'm bored..

A)If you don't like it don't read it

B)Spend your life looking for ways to be offended and you won't be let down

C)Pretty sure her movies or television shows would conflict with your "I'm better than everyone else on the planet" seminars

Couldn't decide on the response I wanted to give you, so there they are. Like I said I'm bored.
Oh and get over yourself.

Anonymous said...

anon328, I am sorry to have to report that your 'universe curse' is lameness. Chill out on the Judgemental pills. It's just jokes, kid. Try 'em some time. They're magically delicious!

Lucky C.

Anonymous said...

... and peace to my brutha from anotha mutha, anon755 in da lockdown.

Lucky C.

LC said...

Great post..very funny. Keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone see Piper on House? She was a Vegan! I seem to recall something about this!!!hmmmmmm Oh yeah, Is anyone even trying to guess anymore, or are we just going with DS? I thought we were going to find out near the beginning of May--or am I imagining things?

Anonymous said...

ZX, I hope this isn't too forward, but any chance I could convince you to kiss me blarney stone? T'will bring you good luck, after all!

Lucky C.

Anonymous said...

It's May, we were supposed to know who ZX is!
Well?
Don't tell. Keep it up for as long as the anonymity of the poster holds. This is to much fun.

Anonymous said...

methinks the swedish gymnastic team had friends - did you notice that there were a lot of speedo clad men on that particular beach? i once spend an entire day at a stretch of beach in sm that turned out to be designated as gay.

i'm not ready for a reveal
lexi

Jem said...

I had this tour bus driver in LA when I was 16 (thats right, I was a tourist, sniff) and he was saying how one day he drove by this lady who looked like she needed a ride, so he gave her a lift. She seemed perfectly normal until they drove past a spot and she pointed and said "That was where I died." Heh.

Anonymous said...

Anon 10:09 - I was thinking the same thing when I was watching House last night. I don't remember all the criteria for who ZX is but for some reason I just thought Piper seemed like a good fit. I don't know though - I'm sure all the reasons it can't be her will be pointed out shortly. : )

amy said...

anon--3:28--your righteousness is so profound, i bow humbly as i concede that you're a far better person than i am. feels good to know more and better than everybody, doesn't it?

drcocks said...

Anon 3:28. Hon, if you are that easily offended maybe you shouldn't ever leave the house.

bionic bunny! said...

i don't think he/she does.
and all the kids run REALLY fast when they have to walk by her house.
my son used to get a kick out of telling people he was certifiably crazy (bi-polarism). i'm still telling ZX's wheelchair story... cracks everybody up!! but then, i don't hang with a**holes.

Anonymous said...

anon 328 here.

Your various responses to my original post are what I expected. And that is also, my friends, the reason why the world is going to hell. It's just that kind of eagerness to make fun of the differently abled, mentally challenged, etc.

I stand by my original post. If that makes me "holier than thou", well, then...

BOW DOWN BITCHES.

Anonymous said...

wow- i like this little fight! i'm on the side of anon 3:28! Sassy!

Anonymous said...

Oh Anon328 you ol' dizzy rascal - maybe Zx's medical evaluation of her friend as a schizo wasn't all that literal to begin with. Now since I'm a wee leprechaun, it ain't too far for me to bow. But, I swear on me four-leaf clover, 'twill only be for you to better kiss me Irish arse. Oh wait - in order to honor the recent peace-sharing accord of my homeland, I have a better idea. Let us shower together. I bring the Irish Spring.

Your pal,
Lucky "no one make fun of me for being short!" C.

amy said...

lol!! lucky c! it looks like you'll need a lot of irish spring to shower that oaf.

brian said...

My aunt has the schizofrenia sounds exactly the same stuff. Always saying that she's mary magdaline and that jesus is stalking her thru her exboyfriend's and stuff. Has lots of end of the world ideas with various important deadlines, dates, or whatever. Also lived in Hawaii for a time. wierd. Did your buddy ever get meds or anything thing that helped?

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