Monday, April 09, 2007

ZX Does Some Shopping And Has A Screen Test

No visitors that glide or walk last night, thank God. Made an investment in a certain tool that will hopefully make it inconceivable for them ever to again. The quarter is there for scale.

So I went to ABC to test for a pilot. It's a really arduous and nerve wracking process that most people don't know about. I went in at 6 in the morning for a 'work session'. When I think 'work session, I think of a rehearsal. Spread your wings, try something new and risk the possibility of totally screwing up, but that was exactly what I did the first time when I tested for something different and I did not get to the studio or the network. They said I had embarrassed myself. So this time I vaulted the first hurdle... and got to listen to the two other prospects through the wall. The one girl with really good hair and huge boobs was very quiet so I couldn't judge her, but the other girl was totally over the top and I silently wrote her out as my competition. Also she looked weird and was wearing a glorified men's work shirt and no pants. So it was down to me and Lady Lovely Locks. Right before I tested for studio, this goon comes over with contracts for me to sign away the next five years of my life- if the show goes. Not good timing, but that's how it is. Then my manager calls and says "Good news. If you get this, you'll be making approximately a bajillion dollars a week." So I tell him this is also not good timing and he is gone. The test for the studio went like dynamite. So I had to wait about four hours to test for ABC, laughing at inappropriate times and calling people who make me feel beautiful and special and making sure my lipgloss doesn't get bally. So as Kurt Vonnegut would say, the clock would tick and twelve hours would pass and then the clock would tick again. Or something like that. Oh, and the reason I started using capital letters and punctuation: I used to hold a cigarette in one hand and type like a unipalegic. So I quit smoking which is great except that it sucks so badly. I've gained 41 pounds so far. So finally, they ushered me upstairs to wait outside this big stage where 12 jury members sit to decide my fate. Except that they were scowling executives and there were 20. So I sashay in and do my performance and cry and laugh and I'm in. Out in 2 minutes 12 seconds. Not bad. So I walk out and the next victim goes to her execution. It is over. Lady Lovely Locks and I managed to park our cars in another time zone so we're walking back and she goes, "God, I just hate how they make it so obvious." And I have no idea what she's talking about, but jealous cow, HAHAHAHAH! they picked me, ME, MEEEEEEE!" So I go back to my car and call my manager. He pauses. And in that second I know. That fucking bitch. They picked her. And she was so smug. And he said, no, it wasn't her...... And then it dawned on me. They'd picked No Pants! Oh my GOD!" So I said glumly "Oh." and hung up the phone. And I was just thinking of "The Secret" and that I hadn't conjured it and it was not the right thing in the universe and I don't like TV anyway... Until I got home and started dying. "MWWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaahhhhhhh! Mooooooooooommmmmmm! She wasn't even pretty!"

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

??? 41 lbs???

David said...

heather graham?

Anonymous said...

Jennifer Tilly?

Anonymous said...

LOVING ZX. Keep it up.

Anonymous said...

LOVING ZX. Keep it up.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Ugh. I could never be in Hollywood, I couldn't never handle all the rejection. Mystery Actress, your self-esteem must be made of steel. How do you deal with it?

GossipMama said...

I am enjoying this...(not the rejection--the backstage peek.)

mookie said...

when it comes to this blog, you bring it, and we love you for it. *applause*

lisap515 said...

ok your knife? dagger? Nice blade, but um, you realize using THAT requires pretty close contact with your beastie, should it turn out to NOT be of the paranormal persuasion? Girl buy a damn gun!! Shoot the person from a safe distance should they breach your locked bedroom door. Gee, is my Texas showing?

Anonymous said...

I feel for her, I have put on 30 lbs during the "quit". Good news is we will have more years of life to lose the weight than we would as skinny smokers!

Anonymous said...

Hello,

Great to hear from you again. Great knife -- very intricatellyt decorated -- hope it stays pretty and clean :):) which I am sure it will. Also, thanks for the capital letters and sorry for the audition -- ah! At moments like that you just want to say to yourself that it was not the right thing for you and Faith knows better -- but... ah! I also love "The Secret" -- so just keep on asking and it will be given!

marymary said...

Hey, could "No Pants" be Fergie? She's looks to be wearing some sort of stupid shirt isn't really wearing any pants in the pictures below ZX's entry. I guess we'll know if she's suddenly on some new show on ABC.

lanie said...

Question for ZX:
I've always thought that people who like adrenaline type emotional rushes both up and down are attracted to and succeed in show business and other careers such as broadcasting, sports, etc. Plenty of rejection and competition but when a big win/role happens - the emotional fulfillment makes it all worthwhile.

Is my take close? Why are you attracted to the work you do?

Anonymous said...

jane leeves?

Anonymous said...

kristie alley?

B :) said...

Is that an Aztec or Mayan dagger?

Anonymous said...

ZX, your writing is excellent! Thanks for doing this blog. I think it's turning into something really great!
KD

sb said...

This was really interesting to read. We see so much glamour and partying from the paps, but this is clearly the day to day stuff actors must endure. Brutal. You totally captured the nerves, the angst, the self-doubt in this post.

Good luck, ZX - who needs that pilot, anyway?? Probably won't even get picked up.

mngddess said...

ZX - thank you so much for writing about your life. It's truly fascinating, especially as we out in the "real world" only get to see a two-dimensional, glossy-photo version of Planet Hollywood. And keep channeling "The Secret"..you were probably meant for film stardom anyway. A small part of me will live vicariously through you. Keep writing and good luck!

Signed, Cyn, mother of two and aspiring writer

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the caps and punctuation. My bitching is over.

Someone said that it was someone British and I concur now, not that it helps, I still don't know.

No pants?? That's so typical in this town. You show some skin to get attention - it's tired. Keep your pants on and try again.

GGA

diff ent atty said...

I absolutely love this post. Just this weekend, I was talking to my dh about the fact that the single hardest type of art to pursue is acting because you cannot do it by yourself.

No matter how good or how bad you are or how large or small the role or production, someone else has to pick you.

A musician can sing or play open mic solo or just hang out in her house and record into her own laptop, but an actress can't act by herself.

She can prepare and rehearse, but so much of acting is vibing off of another actor or an audience and becoming someone else.

I have so much respect for my clients who are driven to act, to take enormous risks for which there may be no payoff, just to pursue their craft and exercise (and exorcise) their gift.

Anonymous said...

I think it is Isla Fisher. I know that she is not American originally. She is pregnant (but it is unconfirmed) thus the weight gain and giving up smoking... But Isla does movies typically so reaing for a pilot throws me a little.

Lola said...

I loved this post. Loved it. (And the color of what I am assuming is a duvet.) Keep em coming.

Anonymous said...

This is a nicely thought out piece of fiction. Kudos to the research and "getting and being in character".

Anonymous said...

that is a sweet knife

Kathy said...

I'm still going for Mandy Moore. I know this was "poo-poohed" by someone who said she doesn't do indy films (that was a clue), but that's completely wrong -- she had two indy films screening at Sundance this year, and if you look at her impressive imdb resume, there are several indy films there.

I'm sticking with Mandy until EL says otherwise.

Anonymous said...

Interesting if a bit scary as I have a quit date 4 days away (!!!!)
Pretty certain that this is not an american--Brit, Australian, New Zealand, South African, whatever, but not American...

Anonymous said...

I'm not thinking that this is Mandy, but she did a hilarious indie film - "Saved".

Anonymous said...

"She wasn't even pretty!" ???

God, what a shallow bitch SOMEONE is. Maybe there was some other quality she had, oh, but nothing else matters right? It would have been okay to lose out to a more pretty rival, but losing to someone who may have been chosen because of actual personality/character is unbearable?

This is why I left California. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post ZX! Keep them coming!

bionic bunny! said...

anon 4:57:
golly, we didn't even know you were gone. really nice comment, jerk.

ent, i've been stewing on this. PLEASE, PLEASE tell ZX
that i don't think that knife will save her life! it looks just a little too decorative, my professional belly dancer friend has some things that look similiar. and i don't know the percentages, but i've heard it said that using a knife on another person, even in self-defense is awfully hard. as is a gun. because if you use them against an assailant , you MUST aim to kill.
i think a basic alarm system and a baseball bat (or any thing you can swing from a distance) are not too bad an idea.
for some reason i'm really liking ZX and worrying about her. brilliant idea, ent, darling!

theflock07 said...

I agree with bionic bunny about the security system and baseball bat.

Enjoying the ZX entries. Had a friend who went through a similar experience casting for a tv show.

Anonymous said...

Why is everyone guessing NOT American? At the end, she says Mooooom(mom) not Mum.

Hez said...

ZX, I'd say better luck next time, but your luck seems to have served you fine as far as dodging a bullet goes.

I mean, if they always knew they wanted No Pants, you probably wouldn't have wanted their silly show anyways. They obviously have no taste.

Rejected by a room full of stupids... yeesh! For all your life has its advantages, I'm glad it's yours and not mine. Cheers all the same and keep on blogging!

ambersumiko said...

Booo no pants! I like the way you write ZX, a little bit all over the place, but that's how I think so it's easy to understand. :D

JVangelgirl said...

I love your writing ZX. Its very funny and animated, although, I hate you didn't get the job. Maybe it just wasn't meant. Something better is around the corner.

noel said...

How would you look up a star who has recently being dumped and put on weight??

Doesn't seem to be too harassed by the paps...

or am I wrong?

Like this whole concept- I hope you keep it up...

And hey- see if you can coerce a famous male to do the same thing, or are you famous ENT?

see you all around!!

AllyUK said...

I'm convinced ZX is American, I'm almost certain she's not a Brit (I am) because of her use of americanisms...unless she moved of there ions ago.

Any ZX if you ever get to read this just want to say nice job. Maybe you should consider writing a novel, short stories or articles while you're waiting for the right acting role.

lisap515 said...

you always shoot to "STOP" them (but in reality SHOOT TO KILL). If they're in your house uninvited, all bets are off. Security system and a bat are great...unless the perp can over power you and then what? Shoot from a nice safe distance. If you don't want to kill, take out the knees and that'll stop 'em.

Anonymous said...

Heather Graham is a great guess. She looks like she's gained a little weight lately - nothing major - and her body is still smoking. But she's kind of fallen off the radar in the past few years, so I bet this is her.

Anonymous said...

anne hathaway