Monday, August 04, 2008

Katie Holmes Is Going To Turn Into Jeff Conaway


Did you know that being with a shirt Church of Scientology member can lead you down a path of drugs, back pain, various trips to rehab, no career, and getting drunk with Oasis and Marilyn Manson? Apparently it can. Noel Gallagher has been relating a story lately about how one night he and his brother got trashed last year on absinthe with Marilyn Manson and Jeff Conaway.

Turns out that Noel is a huge fan of Celebrity Rehab. Who would have thought he was sitting at home watching reality television. Anyway, Noel and Liam and Jeff are getting drunk and Noel starts making fun of Jeff's cane. He asks Jeff why he is using it, and Jeff said 'My back's f**ked. F**king John Travolta in 'Grease' - he's so f**king short, they made me stoop over and that's when I invented the famous Kenickie walk!'

The stoop led to horrible back pain which led to pain killers which on and on and on until we have him where he is today. I don't know why John Travolta doesn't lay hands on him or maybe he has which probably would take us down an entirely different path. Anyway, Katie Holmes, you need to protect yourself now. What I suggest is that you get yourself a wheelchair or buy Tom some extra large lifts for his shoes. Not just two or three inch things like he uses now, but some big ones. Some kind of built in stilts. Buy him some platform boots or find some in his closet and then just throw some stilts in there.

I can't handle seeing you on Celebrity Rehab in the future or Celebrity Fit Club or I Used To Be A Celebrity or whatever show they have in the future for drug addled, out of work celebrities with back problems.

9 comments:

Rebecca Bridge said...

http://lifehacker.com/399636/how-dr-horribles-felicia-day-gets-things-done

wd?

Kat said...

The one problem with this story is that Jeff Conaway is 6'1 1/2", while John is 6'2". How does that make the Scientologuy short?

Just sayin'...

captivagrl said...

why is anyone listening to him? that is not how he hurt his back. john travolta is the same height as jeff. his brain is mush.

classalpha said...

... "stooping over caused [Jeff Conaway's] back pain"... oh BULLSH!T.


... since I was a preteen I've been RUN OVER and also been in SEVERAL CAR ACCIDENTS. I've fallen off the seat of a motorcycle going 45 mph... not to mention I fell off a ladder trying to "merch" a Fender Deluxe Strat on the tall wall of a *certain chain music store* I worked @ in 1991. AND just before *9/11* I blew out the rear tyres on my Ford Explorer while I was going to work @ LAX.

Even through ALL OF THAT I NEVER HAD PERSISTENT BACK PAIN or NEEDED MEDS BECAUSE OF IT.


... but I can certainly guess *why* Jeff Conaway had to "stoop over" for John Travolta so *often*... -> ((___\((___\>

Ayesha said...

Okay, you all beat me to it. We all agree his story is bullshit. If I had been Noel and Liam, I would have been trying to get him to tell stories about John's homo frolickings.

Although, now that I think about it, I'm not sure John was a practicing homo back then... Was he?

MAC said...

I think he was just trying to be funny. He said on Celeb Rehab that he hurt his back in the Grease Lightning dance sequence and he fell.

MnGddess said...

Ok, Classalpha - you either have the worst luck or the best luck, depending on which way you look at it. Good for you for being a tough one! I would have been curled up in the corner.

Ellen said...

Can I just add how much I love Noel Gallagher as a "regular guest" on BBC2's The Russell Brand Show?

I always thought he was such a dick, but now I think he's actually pretty cool.

Liam's the dick! ;-)

classalpha said...

... to mngddess ... I's juss ain't got no luck at all. And "tough" just means "survival"... *IMO*. I'm not "tough" or belligerent... I only try to be a Good Person and do the RIGHT Thing. BTW... that's "Good" NOT "nice".

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