Friday, May 23, 2008

Ted C. Blind Item

Traceless Turncoat, our ol' backstabbing TV babe, who's made quite the career outta selling out her boob-tube amigos (for cash and prizes, mind you) has been—horrors!—behaving herself, as of late. Too boring for words. But, wouldn't ya know it: Word got back to T.T. that her network's higher-ups were perfectly aware she'd turned herself into a Jackie Collins version of Benedict Arnold, and that she'd better cool it. That, she did.

That is until her glitzy place of employment began hiring much younger, prettier, more shapely things who just happened to have far more impressive cleavages than does our babe, Trace. Yikes! What's an averagely endowed, amoral, conniving, man-munching, nominally talented bitch to do? Surgery? Amazingly engineered push-up bras? Suicide?

Nope. But duct tape certainly seemed to be a viable option. So to the hardware store went Ms. T's horrified stylist, who didn't know whether to laugh, cry or get some spackle, too (T2's not quite as flawless as she used to be). See, Ms. T had a plan, and this is indeed what that poor stylin' worker bee has to put up with every day Traceless is glammed up for her TV show: They both go into T.T.'s private dressing room, and before the latest ta-tas-showing outfit is practically painted onto the girl's increasingly diminishing figure, the dresser wraps an entirely nude Turncoat's midsection in industrial-strength tape, winding up just underneath Ms. T's breasts, thereby turning her natural-born babies into Pam Anderson-style bazookas.

Get it? Duct tape, babes. Directly onto—and then off of, 'course—the vain honey's skin. Every damn day. Oh, and Trace is hardly subtle about the pain during the taking off process. Swears like...well, me.

24 comments:

kris said...

OUCH!!! wouldn't surgery be easier?

Kate said...

I'm picturing Nicolette Sheridan -- but that's probably just because I'm thinking of her character.

califblondy said...

Hell, I hate ripping off a band aid. What kind of idiot wraps themselves in duct tape?

I guess men are right that duct tape works wonders.

janine said...

I don't know why (and I don't feel like doing the research to back this up), but I'm going to guess Vanna White. Whatever the case, I don't get the vibe that he's talking about scripted television.

janine said...

I don't know why (and I don't feel like doing the research to back this up), but I'm going to guess Vanna White. Whatever the case, I don't get the vibe that he's talking about scripted television.

BeachGirl said...

This has to be E's own Giuliana Rancic, who has been looking much bustier lately. The younger, prettier and more shapely thing with better cleavage is Ashlan Gorse who has been making more appearances on E of late. In my opinion, Giuliana is not traditionally attractive nor very talented and I could see her doing this to stay on top of her game.

sara said...

See, I was thinking daytime TV, myself. Maybe a soap? There aren't that many "glitzy" current dramas that hire a lot of women who show off the chest.

Gossip Girls? Women's Murder Club? The Hills? One Tree Hill? This cannot be another Desperate Housewives blind.

sara said...

Ooh! I like the Giuliana guess! But I'm always skeptical that Ted would blatantly blind fellow E! employees. (Like that blind that everyone thought was Ryan Seacrest)

DNfromMN said...

Giuliana is probably the best guess. One of the ain'ts is an E! correspondent.

I was thinking Nancy O'Dell. The previous Traceless Turncoat was about her trashing her 'not-so-pretty' male cohost. (Which, I know I'm going to catch crap for this, Ryan Seacrest is kinda cute. kinda.)

Moosefan said...

that is someone who is toooo dedicated to their crap-i mean craft

ms_wonderland said...

Yes, I remember from the last time this back-stabber appeared in a Ted BI that it was a newsreader/presenter type, not an actress.

KS said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
captivagrl said...

debbie matenopoulis?

Marisa said...

Tucker Carlson?

Cali Girl said...

wasn't maria menounas (sp?) a popular guess for TT the last time around? I don't watch their shows, so don't know if it's a valid guess or not.

captivagrl said...

cali - check the with ted, i think she's a NOT.

DNfromMN said...

Actually.. I just noticed this. This is perhaps the most easily read Ted entry in forever.

sheetrock said...

Wouldn't duct tape start pulling your skin off, day after day after day? Hhhmmm...No need to exfoliate!

svd said...

what about Janice Dickinson? Just throwing it out there....doesn't she have a show?

Judi said...

Another guess from previous TT blinds was Katie Couric, and one indicated that she had her boobs done. Giuliana is a great guess but I always thought it was someone much bigger.

toronto gal said...

i think it's star jones... she's in cannes this week. lainey gossip mentioned that she's been all over the red carpets and that she's really lost a lot more weight... this blind indicates an increasingly diminishing figure...

Judi said...

This is someone who's working with a tv network now. Does Star have a job?

sillyme said...

No, I definitely think that it's Guiliana (I look like shit) DePandi Rancic!

Amanda said...

Um, hasn't she heard of high-waisted spanx? They do the exact same thing.

Dumbarse.