Monday, April 07, 2008

I Want My $2.00

Dear Crest,

Instead of just calling your toll free comment line and speaking to someone who doesn't understand what I am saying and probably won't even do anything about it, I thought I would instead use the opportunity to address the 100,000 daily readers of this blog and make you sweat a little.

You should know that my blog is a gossip blog so right now they are a bit pissed at me because I threw up a headline that suggests they are going to get a great Better Off Dead reference or that John Cusack is going to turn up naked on FFF. As long as it is not Ricky.

Anyway, this morning I had the opportunity to try your toothpaste Pro Health Mint. I must say that it was quite possibly the worst taste experience I have had in my life. Four hours later and I just cannot get that horrible taste out of my mouth. This by the way is coming from a guy who has and will eat any possible food combination and pronounce it lovely. This coming from a guy who actually thinks Buckley's cough syrup isn't half bad.

As I was rinsing my mouth out with Hershey bars this morning in an attempt to remove the hideous taste of your product from my mouth, I was wondering to myself what kind of people you have working at your research lab who said this product was incredible. I was also wondering where on earth you managed to find consumers who gave you positive feedback on the product. Did you pay them? Were they all relatives of the guy who designed the flavor and thus had a vested interest in keeping Jim Bob on the job in this bad economy. Was it a favor to Mrs. Crest or a payoff to keep the nanny quiet about the sex tape, or did someone lose a bet to Colgate or the boys over at AquaFresh.

Whatever the reason, I implore you to please stop producing this product and to destroy whatever cases you have of the product so no 3rd world child gets sent a tube from some charity. You may if you wish leave out two cases. One to use as paint thinner and the other to send to Denise Richards c/o of E!. They are on Wilshire Boulevard. 5700 block or somewhere close. I'm not sure Denise would love it, but if you sent her a case she would probably use some and I want her to feel the same pain I am feeling now.

You can keep the $2 I spent on your product. That is probably your monthly budget for your entire customer call center.



P.S. Thanks for removing the Satan logo off your products or I would have been too scared to complain to you.

P.P.S. Did you hear that three episodes from now in The Hills, Spencer is going to stop talking to his sister and tell everyone who listens which are only people he pays to listen, that he doesn't have a sister anymore. Oh, and that some of the cast have Whitney dartboards and throw darts at her face.


deity2 said...

EL, I whole heartedly agree w/ your description of this NASTY toothpaste! My dentist was giving out samples along w/ toothbrushes at our 6 month appt's. It was so bad it made my kids cry (bad enough after trying to drag 2 boys to the dentist!)

kris said...

HILARIOUS!!!! This is the best Monday ever!!!!!Thank you.

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

EL, dude, you are totally ON FIRE today! Loving it!

Anonymous said...

I bought the mouthwash, and have to agree it's pretty nasty.

jlb said...

lmao I agree Ent - Buckley's really isn't that horrible.

mooshki said...

Two doooolllllaaaarrrrsssss!

jax said...


I was looking to buy this crap, i'd rather send you my $2 instead.

*note to anyone about to buy Pro White Listerine of whatever- shit is nasty! i thought i was swishing gasoline in my mouth.

pps- wha Whitney?? Is it because she overpronounces her G's? it is annoying...

Lux Luthor said...

LMAO at the P.S. about the "Satan logo"! I forgot all about that. Hilarious!

Amber said...

lol awe Whiteney dartboards?? haha but she's so nice..

Nothing Spencer does can really surprise me anymore.

Anonymous said...

OK this post actually did make me laugh!

Eeyore said...

(whispering very quietly to avoid dartboards with MY face on them...) I like the Pro-Health stuff.

YahMoBThere said...

Cece!!!!!!! We heard that!!!!

Sounds like it would be good for weight loss if it tastes bad and the taste stays with you for a while.

Unknown said...

You should know that my blog is a gossip blog so right now they are a bit pissed at me because I threw up a headline that suggests they are going to get a great Better Off Dead reference

YUP, that's TOTALLY what I thought when I saw the totle LOLOLOL I STILL quote that shit. Almost daily....LOL

Unknown said...

my roommate gets so annoyed by whitney over pronouncing her G's too!

Unknown said...

...I like Crest ProHealth too, Cece. I guess to each his own.
Now what's this about some of the cast throwing darts at Whitney's face???
Do tell. I'd like to hear more about that.

ablake said...

Indeed the Better off Dead ref caught me:)
I'll steer clear of that toothpaste.

Dammit Ent watch more torchwood and talk about it!
I just saw the season 2 finale and I'm on my own here because no one else watches it and I want to talk about it:(

Soleil King said...

I'll get your advice,that toothpaste is never gonna enter my home.

John Cusack on FFF would be very much appreciated. :-)

Tania said...

no, you're not alone!

I think Russell T broke me with that finale.

bionic bunny! said...

i like the original arm and hammer, the one they don't make anymore.
of corse, since i chipped all my bottom teeth, i have to use the sensitive stuff and ITS JUST NOT THE SAME!!

i feel your pain, ent.


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