Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Does She Boil The Pies?

The local Fox affiliate in Dallas snagged an interview with Jessica Simpson yesterday. Not that they really had to work hard to get the interview. Unless having Joe Simpson call the station every five seconds to see if they wanted to interview the actress from a #1 movie. I know, I know it was in Russia, but that doesn't mean she isn't billed like that anyway.

Anyway, because it is the holidays, Jessica did her aww shucks routine and said she would rather be home with her man Tony than going out to clubs. This is probably also to avoid being laughed at and mocked, but it is what it is. Then she delivered what is perhaps the best quote of the day.

"Believe it or not, I like to bake pies. Tony’s favorite is pumpkin pie and I haven't mastered that yet. Maybe I'm more of a baker; I like to make cakes, more fattening. I make a good carrot cake."

I just can't get over that whole "I'm more of a baker" thing in the middle. She said she likes to bake pies but then kind of indicates that perhaps baking is limited to cakes which would make a person wonder if she is trying to grill her pumpkin pies. Perhaps she is trying to use a real pumpkin left from Halloween. What is there to master about making a pumpkin pie except to not burn it? All you do is open a few damn cans, dump it into a pie crust and bake the thing. How can you not master that? Can you not figure out how to turn on the oven? What the numbers mean?


Goodgrief said...

Tony hasn't dumped her yet??????????? Anyway, I think the only thing Jessica does in the kitchen is eat.

nancer said...

probably the easiest pie in the world to, BAKE. if she can fuck up pumpkin pie, she's even dumber than i thought she was.

Anonymous said...

Ok, pumpkin pie is easy, but I've never mastered carrot cake from scratch. Mine always turns into carrot bread.

I'm more concerned about those uncomfirmed reports that she wants to procreate to compete with baby sister.

Little Baby Jade said...

Good God she is stupid.

TV said...

i make a great carrot cake. needs lotsa fresh shredded carrots. mmmm....and golden raisins.

the onyl thing I can say in her defense is that not all pies get baked...maybe thats what she was thinking? chocolate cream pie or coconut custards arent baked.

hey, its christmas, I'm feeling generous

GladysKravitz said...

The fact that she said she still has to MASTER it implies that she's tried to make it before. Even if it came out burnt, or whatever, unless she's lying about her attempt, there is no way she couldn't know that it goes in an OVEN and is therefore a baked product.

If there is any sort of a higher being, please don't ever let her procreate.

Majik said...

You can screw up a pumpkin pie...with horribly traumatic results!!!

My aunt, best cook in the world, once forgot to put sugar in a pumpkin pie.

No taste, but the texture is what I imagine a mouthful of dog**it feels like.

I haven't had pumpkin pie since...that was almost 20 years ago.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Bimbo is at it again. Does she really know how to bake pies/cake?

bionic bunny! said...

i hate pumpkin pie, but maybe she has problems with crust? if i try to make one from scratch, the family runs screaming in horror.
give me a store bought crust though, and i make the best key lime pie (THAT is the easiest thing in the world, as long as i have key lime juice!) and sweet potato pie. sometimes i make them as a casserole/custard type, that requires a little more effort and a flan pan. so maybe she's just trying too hard.

shakey said...

I just stole that quote to use on my facebook info page. Thanks, Ent!

Jasmine said...

god i loved the snark amount in this post, enty. i agree with what you said and as someone who can manage two things- mac and cheese and pumpkin pie- this has confused me as to her level of stupid( how does she walk and not run into walls?), and made me fall in love with you a little bit more.

Lisa (not original) said...

Open cans?!? OMG!! Please never bake. ;)

FitwithLizzie said...

Haha, Lisa and bionic bunny are right...

If you're making a pumpkin pie from scratch, buying crusts from the store and opening cans of pured pumpkin is not really the way to do it. Why not just buy a Mrs. Smith's pie, open the box and stick it into the oven? You baked it!

Baking pumpkin pie is a pain in the ass. I also screw the crusts up (they get tough really easily if you roll them too much). You also have to cut up and clean fresh pumpkin and simmer or stew it until it reduces, then blend it.

Carrot cake is way easier.

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