Friday, August 22, 2008

Ted C Blind Item

Hold on to your hetero panties, ladies, because quite unlike Crotch Uh-Lastic, we've got a far straighter (for real) predator in town. Humpy, quasi-gorgeous reality-star Dexter Lecter likes to lurk around the Hell-Ay club scene looking for his fix or fixes, we should say—for purposes of full-disclosure journalism, as we know that's real important to all you horny hon-pies!—for the night. And let me tell ya, this addict never runs out of willing victims.

See, D.L.'s minifame is rather new, but it's building faster than his body parts, as D.L.'s dating (ha!, doing is more like it) a rather standout character on one of those catty faux reality shows we all can't get enough of. Admit it. Right now. Of course, you live for watching this crap as much as we do.

Despite Dexty's shy game onscreen, he gets quite lucky, big-time when the cameras aren't rolling. His attractiveness is def a help in the female-fishing department, but look—and this is what we've really gotta dish 'bout—his not-so-coy pickup lines scream: SoCal slut of all time. Yum, yum, right?

Uh, not really. Think of it as desultory mix between Porta-Potbelly and Gerard Butler, take a peek: "I can only f--k you in a couple positions, but don't worry, it will be great," he whispered in the ear of one too-too gorgeous T-town hottie who was kind enough to run and tattle right to A.T.! And how lame can you get—only two friggin’ positions? So gay.

What sort of player can get away with such a crass statement? Better yet, what sort of gal goes along with this? Too many, 'cause neighbors see gals galore going in and out of Lecter's hills home 'round the clock. If only D.L.'s reality GF knew. Trust, she doesn't now, but will soon.


Katie said...

Justin Bobby

BlahFrickinBlah said...

Isn't this an old BI? I've seen it before. Agree with katie...that idiot from the hills. Loser. LOL

Murphy Brown 2020 said...

Justin BOBBY? There's a semi-famous human being walking the earth with the name Justin BOBBY who ISN'T a Nascar driver?!

Wow. Really? Justin BOBBY? Does he stick it in the pooper or something? What makes him so special, exactly?

mooshki said...

Someday I want to visit L.A. for anthropological observation of the wannabe-famous desperation. It boggles my mind.

Anonymous said...

LOL I love the "only a couple of positions" part. 1. Women don't care if you can pull out a long string of different "positions" to impress us. Just get the job done, and done right. The only ones who care about positions are guys who are too busy directing a porno in their own minds. 2. What, did he throw out his back? How old is he, exactly? Does he have a crooked peen that can only fuck from certain angles? And how wasted do you have to be to admit this, nay, deliberately tell a girl this, before she's even a sure bet? Is he just clueless or perpetually stoned and drunk?

Sinjin said...

Ted's writing makes me dizzy and gives me a headache. :-(

triunfopark said...

Slade & Jo

Ice Angel said...

This is an old blind and I didn't care the first time I heard it either.

Get a Life said...

Not sure who it is, but Justin Bobby is not at all gorgeous not even quasi-gorgeous (whatever that means). That dude looks like a bum. Plus, Justin Bobby is not 'shy' onscreen, he just has absolutely NO personality.

This is definitely someone else.

Marnie said...

Did anyone post the new Musto BI's yet?

Which local drag star only tops for the hottest guys? (And she gets them, honey.) What designer's ex-boyfriend has a shady habit of trying to sneak the condom off in the middle of sex? Should he be arrested for attempted mass murder? What local oddity, who's exceedingly large of penis, recently kept promising me future bouts of sex while more urgently milking me for tips on what fabulous parties there were to go to that week? Who stopped e-mailing him back? Which Olympics star is rumored—and only by complete crazies, mind you—to have cut off his wee-wee so he can swim faster? Wouldn't it have been a lovely oar? Which candidate's wife, when greeted at an invitational dinner by a designer from her hometown, looked completely stonefaced and couldn't even muster the slightest bit of charm or human connection? Did she forget she regularly shops at the store that designer is featured at? Which late modeling titan once said of a future superstar, "I don't sign midgets," and of another closeted one, "He's too ethnic"?

Which faded action hero once crapped in the shower of a Vegas casino just because he could? (No shit!) Which ex–child star was begged by that woozy actress to take the three-way out of her book, but got to keep it in after she threatened to put in far more damaging things? Which young TV actress turned chick-bonding-type-movie ensemble player is supposedly so dumb she couldn't find her name on her own birth certificate if she had to? Which toupĂ©e-wearing comic has been known to murmur, "Horny, horny, horny" in clubs while pointing at cute boys for his handlers to bring over for seduction?

Which designer is so cheap that once, instead of hiring a fitting model, she used an intern with scoliosis? Does she wonder why that line looked a little off? What teen who was on a soap opera vividly remembers the married male 'throb of the show ringing her for attempted booty calls? Which TV weatherman (no, not that one) broke up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend who used to berate him for being too femmy? Which famous blogger was pitched an item by a New York daily paper's writer and responded: "How about if the [New York daily paper] does a feature on me?"?

What heavy-metal rocker stayed true to his taste by lodging at a glamorous Holiday Inn in Jersey when he had business to do in New York? Which abrasive royalty type from a reality show was unshockingly seen doing copious amounts of blow in a tacky nightclub? Might that explain her annoying energy level? Which ex-discovery of that 50-year-old pop star responded to new photos of another of her ex-discoveries by saying: "He looks beat up"? Which same guy admits to people in clubs, "I could suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick" in between choruses of "I'm high, high, high"? (And probably horny, horny, horny.)

Which '80s sitcom diva once called the show's head writer to say of her most problematic co-star: "We have to stop calling her a cunt. She is now officially megacunt!"? Which manic screen comic regularly has cast members gather 'round to watch his rushes and likes them to scream with laughter over how utterly brilliant he is? Which downtown dealer/personality no longer counts Heath Ledger as one of her clients? Is that why she seems to be in hiding? Which famous twin not only looks homeless, she has a distinct body odor about her too, a scent some feel is based on sheer arrogance? Speaking of which, what Broadway website editor often takes two to three weeks to answer business e-mails and then barely responds with any concrete information anyway? (When you bitch to him about this, he doesn't respond at all.) Which Ben Franklin look-alike on the scene once offered someone $500 if she'd let him touch her penis, but the problem was she didn't have one?

Which smash comedy writer-director has a long history of "borrowing" jokes from anyone else who's gotten a laugh with them? Which image guru changed his own look by losing weight and shaving off his hair, then was horrified to find people were gossiping about whether he had cancer? Which pop tart's dad has had more legal woes than the public knows about, dating back to various forms of fraud and other icky business? Which rock star's wife recently went into a department store and started her purchasing experience by saying to the personal shopper: "Do you know who I am?" (That's obnoxious, but probably not as bad as the more familiar "Don't you know who I am?") Which late tycoon would, with typical suaveness, tell people about his legendary wife: "No one sucks dick like she does!"? Did his penis shoot oil? What romantic lead of a Lindsay Lohan film has such little improvisational skill that in the middle of sex with a guy, he once blurted: "Fuck me, you big, uh, nelly queen!"? Which late comedy legend slipped out an anti-gay joke on the air, but two of his children—a daughter and a son—happen to be totally that way? Which old-time actress (who starred in a Twilight Zone) has gleefully carpet-munched with the daughter?

Shouldn't Anna Wintour be thrilled that Vogue is looking a little slimmer these days? (It was starting to look a little plus-sized, don't you think?) Did Tom Cruise realize when he signed on to appear in Tropic Thunder that the Ben Stiller character is clearly a wicked spoof of Tom Cruise? Did Britney Spears sense any irony when she told OK! magazine that she wants to shield her kids from showbiz, in a cover feature accompanied by shots of her and her kids? And finally: Which singer has been gaining weight thanks to the cocaine regularly blown up her rear—the only functioning membrane left in her body—by a staff member? Yes, I know that one is 15 years old, but I wanted to end with a classic. I can get away with it, honey. Don't you know who I am?

MnGddess said...

First of all -

Bad Fish, well put!

Secondly, did I read correctly? Did Ted use the word "desultory"?


littleoleme said...

Bad Fish I think you're a good fish. A very good fish.

Katja said...

Ok, now I am so dizzy I need to go lay down with a cold cloth on my eyes.

K said...

Jeeze, I heard from a very good friend who has many contacts on Hell-Ay, any male who refuses him, he makes up stories about... and he goes after EVERY MAN! Sad..

And as for his so called 'writing' skills... what sort of sh*t does he have on the people who still pay him to put his name to that column? makes ya wonder..

Anonymous said...

has to be justin bobby. though i'd love it if it were spencer...except he's not shy on screen

jax said...

justin bobby is not shy at all..

wouldnt referring to him as a crossed between Porta Potbelly and Gerard kinda tubby?? maybe thats why he can only do it two ways?

so are we looking for a portly reality star???

jax said...

ok nevermind i had to read that again thanks Ted, you knob.

what about Doug Leinhart? totally hot and coming up,dated LC and went out with Steph Pratt?

guys on the hills:

Brent Bolthouse! lol.

Molly said...

i must be the only one who thought of david cook who is dating kimberly caldwell but i'm probably reading the whole thing wrong.

Anonymous said...

Thanks guys. Read my blog! lol

Oh and on the Michael Musto blinds...

#5 sounds like Tatum O'Neal and Melanie Griffith. The threesome story
being about Tatum, her father Ryan O'Neal, and Melanie. I always had
a funny feeling that maybe there were more shenanigans, of a far
worse nature, than Tatum was letting on.

#6 Any chance of being Blake Lively? I think someone else suggested
that too.

#11 Obviously Perez

#12 I'd say Tommy Lee if not for the "heavy metal" part. Cheap taste!

#16 Mike Myers and his insecure little self

#18 Definately Mary Kate, Ashley is all cleaned up now.

#19 Uh oh, Judd Apatow?

#21 Daddy Spears?

#22 Mrs. Sting? Trudy? I've heard she can "get" like that.

selenakyle said...

BWAHAHAHAAAA, ernestine! I thought the same thing when I heard that Justin Bobby really was some frickin idiot's name.

Marna Palmer said...

And how the hell could Justin Bobby afford a house in the Hills?!

Unknown said...

Hm. Don't care about reality "stars."

What I really want to know is, what does Ted have against Gerard Butler? LOLOL.

>>Jeeze, I heard from a very good friend who has many contacts on Hell-Ay, any male who refuses him, he makes up stories about... and he goes after EVERY MAN! >>

Oh. Maybe THAT's it.

Binky Melnik said...

I don't know who this blind is about, but I looked up this Justin Bobby guy and he's apparently not it. Ted's describing someone chunky (hence he can only do it in two positions -- his stomach's in the way). So who's gorgeous with a beer belly?

Goodgrief said...

I got lost half way through reading it. Now I have a headache.

allthesun said...

12. John Bon Jovi annd 21 Hayden Panyaires daddy
Could the tycoons dicj sucker have been Jackie O?
LL's lead eitehr the kid from that UK boyband or the dad from Freaky Friday (I am too lazy to IMDB)
Joke borrower Carlos Mencia
Def think MK for the drug dealer etc connection.
In regards to What designer's ex-boyfriend has a shady habit of trying to sneak the condom off in the middle of sex? Should he be arrested for attempted mass murder?
Does it mean the ex has a disease or getting people knocked up and thus needing an abortion?

junglekitten said...

Brody Jennar!!

Unknown said...

I would think with all the clues, it's Michael C. Hall from Dexter.

Tea Lady said...

Ted C revealed this as Doug Reinhardt from The Hills in case anyone cares...

Binky Melnik said...

Ha! Jax was the ONLY ONE to come up with this one! Everyone else ran around in circles, forgot what the topic at hand was, or fell off the path altogether. Way to go, Jax! You pwned everyone else!


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